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Maybe You’re Just Awful

Another great Carolyn Hax column recently. A woman writes in to say that her daughter-in-law and son refuse to socialize with the rest of the family. They’ll visit when it’s just the parents, but they won’t visit when the siblings and their children are in tow. And… of course… wouldn’t you know that she’s infertile and her unwillingness to be around kids is attributed to her inability to have a child. And that harpy is ruining the ability for everyone to get together.

I suspect the real reason for this is my granddaughter and now a coming baby. My oldest son’s wife learned she cannot have children after great medical trials, after which she was devastated. In the past she has complained about us through my son, so this sounds like a rerun.

And Carolyn Hax does such a great job reframing the situation in her answer:

From where I sit, I don’t just see a brokenhearted family matriarch; I also see judgy language in your letter, both overt and subtle … You don’t like her. I get it. Maybe she has earned every fine grain of your loathing. But if your opinion of her works its way into every line here, how much of it do you think you’re keeping from her?

In other words, this isn’t about infertility. This is about a daughter-in-law feeling like her mother-in-law doesn’t create an emotional safe space and responding by not entering the space.

There have always been babies I’m willing to hang out with and babies I dread seeing (replace the word “babies” also with “pregnant women” and “mothers” and the same holds). It all comes down to emotional safe spaces. Can I be my infertile self around them? Or, in other words, can I be myself around them? If yes, the baby/pregnant woman/new mother not only doesn’t bother me but makes me feel like being part of their happiness. If no, well, it gets a lot more difficult.

I love Carolyn for pointing out that this isn’t about infertility. This is about relationships.

What is your reaction?

4 comments

1 a { 08.20.19 at 5:45 pm }

Just goes to show…you can set a boundary and the people you’re setting the boundaries for will try to find any way to smash it down and will never admit they’re the problem.

I can’t read because I’ve run out of free WaPo stories this month (I remember the good old days when I could read old Carolyn Hax columns for hours!).

2 Mali { 08.21.19 at 2:29 am }

I totally agree. It is never really solely about the babies, but about their mothers/fathers/grandparents or the pregnant women/expectant fathers, and how they behave.

A friend was pregnant when I was in hospital for my second ectopic. She joked that she thought that sirens would go off when she walked in – but she was great. Her giant pregnant belly didn’t bother me at all. Unlike another friend, who told me I hadn’t lost anything, because I had never actually had anything to lose … as her children climbed over my hospital bed.

3 Lori Lavender Luz { 08.22.19 at 11:37 am }

Carolyn Hax nailed it with that discernment, and so did you.

The title of your post has had me snickering every time I look at my Feedly Inbox this week.

4 KatherineA { 08.22.19 at 11:54 am }

Yep, you (and Hax) have the situation pegged. The dislike and contempt really just dripped from that letter. As I was reading the situation that brought most of it to a head, I was thinking that even in a vacuum – if this had been the first misfire in the relationship – I would be wincing as someone who has struggled with infertility. I mean…inviting a woman who just learned she can’t have children “after great medical trials” and is devastated…to a *Father’s Day* event…with a young child and a very pregnant woman? OUCH. Definitely not a safe space, especially since MIL can’t seem to understand that (plus all the stuff that’s gone down prior).

But yeah, there are people in my real life that fall into these divides. I got a pregnancy announcement a couple weeks ago that I’m genuinely excited about and looking forward to meeting the little person next year. I’ve got another person who I’m anticipating an announcement from and….well…yeah. Sigh. I don’t wish the second person ill whatsoever (I hope things happen and work out with no complications), but I also know that it’s going to be inescapable baby talk for months and then an insistence that I be visibly *delighted* every time they mention it and listen at length to any excitement/complaint. It’s actually a bit helpful to be reminded that I’m not just a terrible person who can’t celebrate with people – that the relationship matters and I can (and do!) celebrate at times.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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