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“This Is What I Do”

My fears are well-documented on this blog. Crickets. Mayonnaise. Airplanes. And airplanes. And airplanes. And like… life… in general. I’m scared of life. Let’s just sum it up with that because it’s probably the most accurate assessment of my world. I am just scared all the freakin’ time.

So… yeah… I’m in awe of people who aren’t scared. Not people who are scared of other things but happen to not be scared of the things that scare me. Those people don’t fill me with awe. It’s people like Alex Honnold who can spend 12 hours literally on the edge of death and walk away and have a beer. Because while he claims to be scared of things — and I’m sure he is in actuality — his actions all point towards someone who doesn’t move through the world as I do, seeing danger lurking behind every emaciated tree. I’m not sure he really knows fear even though he thinks he knows fear. Or maybe he does. I’m not in his brain.

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I’ve been trying the visualization technique from the article. I need to fly a few times per year, and it fills me with dread for weeks beforehand. I’ll wake up every morning thinking about it, and go to bed every night thinking about it.

I’m focusing on the most realistic and common fear that I have about flying: turbulence. I’m trying to convince myself that it is like hitting bumps in the road. I don’t freak out when the car bounces around, and I shouldn’t freak out when the plane hits air bumps. But unlike Honnold, I can’t find that inner calm where my rational mind plays big sister to my fear response. I am not a thrill seeker. I am a thrill avoider. Or… I am a thrill seeker only when we’re talking about reading horror novels. I like my thrills to come in book form.

But I am counting on this to be achievable in a smaller form:

“I definitely thought about how I process fear,” Honnold says. What he realized was that, in this case at least, he didn’t. He had been in similar situations so many times that it had become normal. There was nothing to process; there was only who he had become. “This is not scary,” he said to himself, “because this is what I do.”

That’s what I’ll repeat to myself the next time I am afraid but I’ve thought through the fear beforehand: “This is what I do.”

5 comments

1 Charlotte { 06.19.19 at 9:52 am }

This is so interesting. I am not afraid of flying, I actually enjoy it a lot. However, for some reason my anxiety kicks in just before, like at boarding, or when I’m already in my seat waiting for takeoff. The same thing happens when I travel alone. Not during the travels but just beforehand. Maybe because I’m leaving all the important people in my family behind?? Because it’s not the being alone part. I guess more that we would be separated if anything happened?? I don’t know. I just know that in those situations I always tell myself “Relax. This is what I do. I’ve done this before. I will be fine and will be back with them soon”

2 Sharon { 06.19.19 at 6:23 pm }

Reading that you are scared all the time made me feel sad for you. It must be hard going through life like that.

I share your fear of crickets, and I will include grasshoppers as well. Actually I am maybe more repulsed by them than afraid of them, but the idea of their jumping on me and touching me with their scritchy-scratchy legs really freaks me out. Ick.

I’ve read that the five most common fears are (1) public speaking; (2) heights; (3) bugs/snakes/other animals; (4) drowning; and (5) blood/needles. I am now a trial attorney and was a registered nurse before that, so I’m obviously not afraid of #1 or #5. Apart from my revulsion over crickets & grasshoppers, I’m not afraid of any other animals, I’m fine with heights, and the thought of drowning has never crossed my mind.

I’m weird. LOL

3 Working mom of 2 { 06.19.19 at 11:50 pm }

I think this kind of trait can only be changed to a certain extent. I think Some people are born fearless, some people are born gladhanders who can sell anything, etc. Are used to get really nervous for the sport I would compete in and I worked for so many years on this reading positive thinking books, doing mental exercises, etc. and while I did improve it never came easy to me. Whereas I knew people that just would roll out of bed and be mentally on for a competition without putting any effort into it whatsoever. Recently my boss forwarded me an article on grit and how it’s very important to children being successful. And reading it, it seemed to me like something that you’re pretty much born with.

4 Mali { 06.22.19 at 11:01 pm }

I’m not in awe of people who don’t feel fear. I might envy them some of their bravado, but I don’t admire it when it’s something innate in them. They don’t have to face fear on a regular basis, and yet do it anyway. That’s true courage. I also feel sorry for them a little – that they have to go to such extremes to get a thrill when we might get the same buzz doing something really minor.

5 dubliner in deutschland { 06.28.19 at 5:05 am }

I have a lot of fears and anxieties too. Not of flying but more or less everything on Sharon’s list! Plus the dentist. I feel panic just walking into the dentist’s building when confronted with the smells and noises. And I have to face that fear for every appointment. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older and can try to remind myself that it’s fine. Like Mali says I wouldn’t want to be the other extreme though needed to do potentially dangerous extreme sports and the like just to get a thrill.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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