The Opposite of Don’t You Forget About Me
I was fascinated by an article written by a 14-year-old for why she’s not on social media. She finally got on Facebook and Twitter and realized that even though she hadn’t been on those sites before that point, she had an online presence because her mother and sister had posted about her. Moments that most people would find sweet and non-offensive — such as a letter to the tooth fairy — were upsetting to this girl precisely because it was her story and someone else told it.
I had just turned 13, and I thought I was just beginning my public online life, when in fact there were hundreds of pictures and stories of me that, would live on the internet forever, whether I wanted it to be or not, and I didn’t have control over it. I was furious; I felt betrayed and lied to.
The girl acknowledges that no one did this to be cruel, and her family stopped the moment she asked them to stop. But it made her think long and hard about the stories she was intending to tell online and the unknown consequences of posting. Plus what her generation has lost:
For my generation, being anonymous is no longer an option. For many of us, the decisions about our online presence are made before we can even speak.
It made me think about a piece I recently read about Apple Martin, and how she approves every time her mother posts about her, no matter how innocuous the post. The article referred to an incident where Gwyneth Paltrow posted a picture of her where you can’t see her face, Apple called out her mother for posting without permission, and Gwyneth tried to justify it rather than apologize and admit wrongdoing.
It made me think about that end scene of The Breakfast Club where David Bowie is playing as Judd Nelson walks across the field. My generation is so strongly defined by that “Don’t You Forget About Me” mentality; not wanting to fade from someone else’s memory. I think we were drawn to the internet like moth to flame because it promised to thrust us in front of each other in 30-second spotlights. Whereas our kids never got a chance to think about how they felt about being remembered and forgotten by the people in their lives. They are remembered whether then like it or not.
What are your thoughts?
7 comments
This is interesting.
I have a lot of thoughts on social media at the moment but am struggling to herd them into a pithy response for this here.
I really think social media doesn’t operate the way we think it does, or do for us what we think it is doing. The effects are often insidious and unintuitive.
I think what I’m mostly doing is storing this away as a perspective to dwell on and put together later.
I think some of the problem is that social media is so ubiquitous these days. I do try to be careful – hopefully filtering out and not posting publicly things that might be embarrassing or upsetting – and not posting much about the small people (and, even when I do, framing it more around my own experiences rather than theirs). The essay you point to, though, is a really interesting and important perspective that I’m going to keep in my mind as a caution.
I do wonder if some of this is a little bit of a generation gap, though I’m seeing a slightly different one than the one you pointed out. I’ve noticed a lot more emphasis culturally on learning to respect boundaries, consent, and healthy relationships – which I think is an excellent thing. I see this teenager forming boundaries and taking ownership of her own stories, something I didn’t fully do until I was much, much older.
One of the reasons I left Facebook was because of the line between what are my stories and what belongs solely to my children.
My older daughter had started school and I was faced with friend requests from parents of her preschool friends – seemingly lovely people who didn’t know anything about our family.
My younger daughter was adopted at birth but looks just like the rest of our family so, unless we tell people, they don’t know. It’s not in any way a secret. We talk about it any time it naturally comes up.
But my concerns were about these new “friends” who might scroll back through my page and find out that way. It just felt… wrong. That’s my daughter’s birth story and history and should be shared by her, or by us in the right, personal situation.
But could I politely continue to reject friend requests from new people? That felt awkward too, and also the opposite of what Facebook is for in a lot of ways.
I ended up deleting my account entirely rather than try to make the decision. It wasn’t the only factor in the choice to delete, but it was a big one.
Interesting subject. This weekend was my high school class’s 40-year (!!) reunion. I wasn’t there, but I did think, as I looked at the photos on Facebook, about how different times were then. There’s still a large chunk of my classmates who aren’t on social media (we have a Facebook group and about half the class is on it), and I know most of us who are, are very thankful it wasn’t around when we were teenagers…!! Pre-reunion, they put out a call asking us to share our old photos, but there weren’t many shared, simply because, unlike today, nobody carried around cameras all the time, and even when did have cameras (a) film & developing was expensive, so we generally didn’t take a lot of photos, and (b) the cameras weren’t that great, and you didn’t get to see what you took until you got the photos back, so a lot of them just weren’t that great & aren’t worth sharing.
My sister is not on any kind of social media & is adamant that she does not want me posting any photos of her. I have snuck in one or two over the years 😉 but I generally try to respect her wishes.
P.S. I think that song at the end of “The Breakfast Club” was by Simple Minds, not David Bowie. Although the singer does sound Bowie-esque. 😉
Not being on Fb myself makes it easy to stay away. But since Fb bought Whatsapp it is a lot harder to convince people not to communicate or share pictures through that app anymore.
Wow, this definitely makes me pause. I have been sharing some pictures of my daughter on social media – I definitely try not to post too much and I’m careful about privacy settings but when I think of it from her perspective like that, I’m already giving her an online presence whether she wants it or not.
My kid generally approves pictures I post of her (not always, but mostly I ask first). She has her own Instagram and Snapchat, which is common for kids now, I guess. I’m still more of a commenter than a poster, so I don’t share that much about anything.