Posting About Death
Another post about Normal People that is not about Normal People. There was a post on Longreads in which a woman wrote about posting on social media after her mother died. Her mother died at 4 am. By 8:30 am, she had posted her news. She writes,
Now she was gone, and it seemed appropriate, even convenient, to let people know through these broad, digital strokes … Relatively speaking, I took to social media quite soon after Mom breathed her last, and when I consider this, it feels — at least immediately — both crass and bizarre.
Is it crass? Is it bizarre? Isn’t it where we’re going to go to mourn if it’s also where we go to celebrate? Those who don’t spend a lot of time online, it would be bizarre. For people who spend a considerable amount of time online, it makes sense.
It ties into a part in Normal People. There is a death, and a character goes on the Facebook wall of the person who died. They write,
Lots of people from school had left comments on his wall, saying they missed him. What were these people doing … writing on the Facebook wall of a dead person? What did these messages, these advertisements of loss, actually mean to anyone? What was the appropriate etiquette when they appeared on the timeline: to “like” them supportively? To scroll past is search of something better? … Thinking about it now, she can’t understand why it bothered her. None of those people had done anything wrong. They were just grieving. Of course it didn’t make sense to write on his Facebook wall, but nothing else made sense either. If people appeared to behave pointlessly in grief, it was only because human life was pointless, and this was the truth that grief revealed.
Is there really any right way to mourn? And just because you mourn one way for one person, do you have to keep mourning that way for others?
I’ve never gone on someone’s Facebook page after death and written them a message (that I can remember), though I have read other people’s messages. I once spent a whole night, scrolling back through messages that people left an old friend after he was gone. It made me feel connected to something. Less alone with that grief that had nowhere to go. Isn’t that a small good thing?
9 comments
It always feels a bit wrong to me to be writing condolences on social media. Too glib or something. But then these days I get the impression that few people send handwritten cards anymore so maybe this is how we show support for the bereaved.
After my Mum died my aunt wanted her to be burried with her mobile phone so that my aunt could text her messages but we found the idea a bit strange. Though as you say people mourn in different ways
Every grief is unique and we all cope the best way we can. I hate when people judge others as they struggle with a devastating loss. Grief is messy and complicated. I, for one, think it is fine to process loss on social media. I lost my mother and sister within 9 months of each other. One had a social media account and one did not. I can say that I was greatly comforted by all the sweet message posted for my mother on her account, many by people I did not know. There is no way many of these people could have reached out to grieve alongside me otherwise. Every year on her birthday, there are a smattering of sweet postings that let me know others still miss her as I do. Its not perfect and may be weird to some, but I see it as another way of connecting and comforting one another.
I don’t use social media but when I did, I found comfort in reading memories from friends of those who had passed away.
However – there’s something to be said for telling people personally. My cousin passed away and within moments, before any other family members had been notified, her sisters posted on fb. As someone who was prepared for the death but also assumed I would receive a phone call (from my own parents or a sibling, a phone tree type situation) I happened to be scrolling fb and was caught off guard to see the news.
I think sharing in social media is acceptable and even convenient but there are still times to make the personal call or text.
With acquaintance-Friends (why do I have so many of them??) I tend to lurk a lot and read what others say.
With friend-Friends, I often do leave a message. I want the other lurkers to know how special this person was to me.
Nowadays, unless someone is a close friend, I probably won’t know about a loss in their lives unless I read about it on social media. I think I would rather know, than not know, so that I can reach out in whatever way feels right to express my condolences.
Social Media can make death weird, in that at face value it’s an odd forum for posting messages. Back when I had fb there were a few people who had died and people would come back and leave messages…but each year it got less and less people writing things on their walls and it was depressing and sad to see the decline, as natural as that is.
I guess to get word out to the masses, a post makes sense. But then it also seems weird because wouldn’t people close enough to be affected already know??
It’s just such a weird space that I’m not really comfortable with…just in general it seems so much “look at me, pay attention to me, feel sorry for me” that even if I was on there I wouldn’t be posting personal stuff like that anyway.
Like Davilyn said, it is comforting to see others miss her (my mom) still. I will still sometimes tag my mom in a post, soon to be 8 years, especially when I’m really missing her.
Grief and social media is strange. It’s sort of the only “physical” place I have with my mom anymore.
A few years ago an acquaintance died and I witnessed the process on social media. She posted that she was in hospice care then there were many messages of caring and memories shared by others. Less and less posted by her as the days went on but her best friend and caregiver would post updates, including one where she was actively dying.
I don’t remember it as weird or uncomfortable. People we’re sharing memories and connections. It went on after her death. Her brother sent me a friend request after I posted about my memories teaching a class with her. I have never met him and likely never will. But if this helps him feel connected to the small piece of his sister that I carry in my memories, what’s the harm?
I think we die as we live…..if social media was a big part of someone’s life it makes sense for it to be part of their death.
My mother’s cousin’s son died suddenly, tragically and at a far too young age, more than 15 years ago now… not long after she called me for the news, I went looking online for his obituary & I sent the link in an email to her as well as several other relatives. One of her cousins hadn’t heard the news & was totally shocked… she had written to him when he was in the service & gotten to know him better than most of us. I got the feeling she was rather annoyed to find out in this way, that nobody had called to let her know. Oops. 🙁 Ever since then, I’ve tried to be more careful in when & how I spread news like this. I didn’t post anything on Facebook about my FIL’s death until all the closest relatives had been notified first.