Death Cafes
It was a throwaway line in an Anthony Horowitz book, but I jumped onto Google to see if it was a real thing. Do people really host Death Cafes?
The idea is that you get together with other people for a social event where you discuss your thoughts on death, wishes for your remains, your fears. There is a format, recommended questions, and always cake. (The cake thing came up in every piece of literature I found about Death Cafes. Apparently cake is part of the process.) The goal is to treat the end of life in the same way we treat the beginning of life, with great thought given to the process instead of sticking our heads in the sand.
It made me think about a part in Tig Notaro’s book I’m Just a Person. Her mother is dying, and her friend Maxine comes to sit with Tig in the hospital. She writes on page 103.
A year later, Maxine would reveal that she had wanted to take a photo of my mother that day, because she felt like even that moment was a part of my mother’s story, and she wanted me to have a picture of it because every moment of my mother’s life was important. And I would have loved to have that photo, but I know my mother wouldn’t have wanted a picture of herself taken when she was in that condition — no matter how good her skin looked.
A long time ago, people only took pictures after death because photographs were so expensive, so certainly, there was precedence. Why do we take so many photos at a birth, but we don’t take any photos to mark a death, another moment in a life?
I dread specific deaths, and admit that I don’t like to think too deeply about people I love not being here anymore. But I do think it’s important to think and speak hypothetically about death. To treat it as part of a life in the same way that we talk about other milestones.
I scanned the offerings in my area on the Death Cafe site, and there were a few popping up in the next few weeks. But I felt reluctant to go talk about this with strangers. With friends and family, absolutely. But I’m not great about speaking to strangers about books I like or menus at restaurants. It felt like a big jump to go into a room of strangers and talk about what I want to have happen after death while eating cake.
We (you and I) talk a lot about creating and sustaining life when we talk about family building. But what do you think of this set-up? Would you feel comfortable participating in a discussion about another stage of life?
9 comments
I did not know this was a thing either, but that is such a cool idea. For years now, about every six months, I’ll tell my husband the stuff I want/don’t want if my death should come sooner rather than much later and he always sort of sighs and I’ll go “If you are ever standing in an ICU next to my bed and the doctors are telling you that you have to make these decisions you will know what I want – that’s why I tell you often! Because I want you to remember if it ever comes to that.” Possibly it’s the line of work I’m in, but I think it’s truly important to consider those things – I want my loved ones to be able to make those decisions and not have to second-guess themselves or wonder.
I think it would be…a little weird to do this with strangers, but I’d be fairly game, honestly. The thing I like the most is the idea that death should be treated as a milestone. And cake. I am *always* a fan of cake.
I guess I don’t see the appeal of having these conversations with total strangers rather than your own family and friends (who may actually be in a position to make decisions, like Katherine notes above). I’m with you, in that I don’t particularly enjoy conversations with strangers in general, so can’t imagine “Hi, nice to meet you! I’d prefer to be cremated one day, and you?” I do think discussing death should be socially acceptable but I wouldn’t necessarily go to a “retirement cafe” or a even “taxes cafe” to discuss these topics…
I had never heard of “death cafes” either. I’m not sure how I would feel about this. I definitely think that we are too reluctant in our culture to talk about death. It’s a part of life, and it’s something that is going to happen to every one of us eventually.
I was recently invited to one of these by a friend (I haven’t been yet – it’s scheduled). It’s a group who all know the host, and of course some of them also know each other (I will only know the host) so not total strangers. Apparently there’s a book out recently about how to host these things so it’s obviously off the back of this (my friend has the book).
I found the idea fascinating and I’m curious to find out how it feels in the moment. I discuss these things daily at work with strangers and have grown up having these conversations with my Grandma (who is totally going to drop off the perch any moment now so she has always told us cheerfully – we have all been assigned to remember one of her death wishes like a big jigsaw puzzle that we have to put together when the time comes) but none of these discussions have been about MY death so it will be odd to become the subject.
Have you read Caitlin Doughty’s books (When Smoke Gets In Your Eyes and From Here to Eternity)? I think it’s safe to say I started embracing my mortality a few years ago, so I’ve had conversations with the spouse about what we both want in terms of organ donation, memorial, burial, ending life support, etc. I’ve also tried to gently start some conversations with my mom, because from what I understand, their will still lists my uncle as my guardian in case they both die (it’s been a while since they updated it, obviously.) I would be totally down with talking about other people about what we are planning, but the closest Death Cafe to me is an hour and a half away. Also, our family DID take photographs of all of us at the last funeral when we were all together.
I seem to have talked about nothing but end-of-life and death the last year or so! I didn’t know there were Death Cafes, but I actually like the idea. If its purpose is to inform, and to get us thinking about our own deaths, or our parents/partners deaths etc. In fact, talking about it with strangers might expose us to other traditions, ideas, and approaches that help us formulate our own thoughts and preferences. That would then make it easier to start talking about it with family and friends.
Far too many people don’t ever talk about it, and then it becomes too late. Too late for them to make their wishes known. Or too late for them to ask their families and find out their wishes. We experienced this last year when my MIL became seriously ill then died. Even though my in-laws had not been shy about talking about dying, they never talked about the process. I looked up some links, and particularly liked the list of suggested topics for a Death Cafe, including considering what is a good death, and what is a bad death. We should all think about this.
I don’t think I would be comfortable going to a Death Cafe, but I do think it is important to discuss. Even more important is actually making sure your wishes are executed by creating a living will, trust and medical directives! Talk is just talk if there aren’t legal documents to support it.
New to me, too. And I think I would be curious and interested. Clicking over.
Actually, I HAVE heard of death cafes… I think a friend posted an article on Facebook a while back? And yes, given the opportunity, I think I might be interested in going to one. We are such a death-averse culture… but after dealing with my daughter’s stillbirth, and then volunteering as a pregnancy loss group facilitator for 10 years, I am far less shy about this subject than I would have been 20 years ago. I’m glad you would feel comfortable talking about this with your family, but I think a lot of people would find it very difficult. Depending on what kind of a family you grew up in and how death was talked about and dealt with (or not), it might actually be easier in some ways to talk about this with strangers… Kind of a dress rehearsal for bringing up the subject with the people closer to you.