Kiasu
I am on the final book in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. Reading the first page was like getting into my pyjamas at the end of the day. (Who am I kidding? I’m always in my pyjamas. If I have a day with zero video calls, you can bet that I am in a hoodie and clashing sweatpants. But pretend that I spend my whole day dressed up and finally get to undo my bra at 8 pm.)
It’s just delicious, mindless fun. I missed all the characters.
Anyway, I was moved to start it because there was an article about Singapore in the LA Times, which made me think about how I never finished the trilogy… I guess that thought-route wasn’t that interesting.
But the article is about the idea of kiasu, or the fear of losing out. My only issue with the article is that the writer references FOMO, which immediately made me confused because none of the examples given had anything to do with FOMO. The only thing similar (that I could see) between kiasu and FOMO is the word “fear.” But while FOMO is a sense of not being included, kiasu is about not doing enough and therefore missing out. Sort of like this. But more the sense that you should have spoken up, and now it’s too late, or you should have grabbed something, and now it’s gone. It’s a fear that you’ll have regrets because you didn’t do something you should have done in the moment. It’s being able to say you did everything in your power to make something happen, leaving nothing to chance.
And the book, of course, is about kiasu, though the word has yet to come up in the text. The grandmother is dying; the mother wants Nick to return to Singapore to say goodbye on the off-chance that seeing him puts him back into her will. So kiasu about possibly losing out on an inheritance. For her son, there is a sense of kiasu that if he doesn’t return to connect with his grandmother, she’ll die with them estranged and he loves her deeply. The article made me remember that I needed to complete the series, but then article gave me deeper insights about what’s motivating all the characters.
I connect deeply with this idea of kiasu. I am someone who worries a lot about having regrets and therefore probably goes overboard trying to control a situation so I don’t have regrets. I guess I’m curious to see how the end of the book unfolds, and how everyone deals with their fears. Maybe I’ll learn a little lesson about life in this totally wonderful (and only pretend vapid) series.
5 comments
I totally have that (kiasu) for my daughter. I see her presented with opportunities that she passes up, and I know that she’ll regret it later. But I can’t interfere (too much), because it’s not my life. She got into a spat with her father this fall and decided she wasn’t going Trick-or-Treating. I told her that it was close to the end of when she would be able to participate (she’s 12), so she should really rethink her position. She did eventually go, but she was holding a pretty stubborn stance.
For me – I’m fairly good at recognizing the benefits of my action or inaction, so this isn’t a concept I can identify with for myself.
I’ve just started book two (it had a way shorter hold list at the library than book 1!). The series really is a send-up against the super-rich. It’s hard to not think about Kavanaugh and Trump while reading it and the culture that created them and allows them to flourish. And I love the informative footnotes in the series so much and the lengthy descriptions of food, and I wonder if book 3 ends with characters arguing about where to eat… I hope it does.
(And boy do I think Astrid’s story is dumb. What a waste of a great character and a terrible situation. Coulda done better there without the farce.)
So… none of that is about kiasu, but… I’ve only just started book 2.
I knew about kiasu (I have two Malaysian Chinese sisters-in-law, one of whom has also lived in Singapore), but also thought it had more of the “keeping-up-with-the-Wongs” attitude as well. You have to be seen to be keeping up and not missing out, as much as the fear of not missing out. It’s not an attitude I particularly share or want to share. My life has become so much easier when I realised that I didn’t have to take every chance. It makes it easier to take the chances that I truly want to take.
I haven’t read the books, but I lived in Singapore for a decade. I think, like Mali, that kiasu has different connotations in the context. So it’s interesting that FOLO was your takeaway on it. My take was that it is a bit like Mali’s description of “keeping-up-with-the-Wongs” layered with a “Tiger Mom” attitude of kids/families have to take more classes, study harder, practice more, train longer, sleep less, etc. so they can be smarter, more accomplished, get better grades, get better jobs, achieve the “5 Cs” (condo, car, cash, credit card, country club). There is a hard/competitive edge to it that I don’t think FOLO conveys.
But now I have to read the series to see if any of that comes across! I loved the visuals in the movie … and desperately miss eating in Singapore/Malaysia.
This is me exactly: “I am someone who worries a lot about having regrets and therefore probably goes overboard trying to control a situation so I don’t have regrets.”
I agree with you. Fear of missing out is different to me from fear of wishing you’d done something different.