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The Privilege of Avoidance

Until this week, I avoided the book When Breath Becomes Air.  Not because it sounded terrible; just the opposite.  I heard it was amazing — moving and well-written, a Pulitzer finalist and on everyone’s year-end “best of” list.  It’s a surgeon’s first-hand account of being diagnosed with cancer and all that came before and after.

I avoided the story because I could avoid it.  Meaning, I had the choice to not face his difficult story and accept the gift of his words by not picking up the book.  This is something that his loved ones couldn’t do.  It’s something millions upon millions of people don’t get to do: Avoid the story.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the posts I wrote a while back about diversity and reading lists and this privilege fits in that discussion, too.  As a reader, I get to choose what I read, therefore, I can avoid all the stories I don’t want to hear.  That I’m scared to contemplate.

This is different from deciding not to read something because the subject matter doesn’t interest me (example: me + historical romances… except Outlander… I’m strange interested in reading Outlander) or because I don’t know about the book.  This is more akin to turning my head and pretending not to see something.

But what if someone said to me: “I’m not going to read your story because infertility is sad, and I just don’t want to feel sad.  So I’m going to accept that I may go through life knowing nothing about infertility, but I’m fine with that because not being able to build a family is depressing.”

Okay, by not reading When Breath Becomes Air, I’m not saying those hurtful words to his family’s face.  (A writer — or their descendants — has no clue who is reading and who is not reading or why unless told.)  But making the conscious choice to avoid his book just because I believe it will make me sad accomplishes the same thing on my end.  There are so many stories that I’ll never encounter because there are too many people and not enough time.  I accept that.  But not encountering, again, is very different from avoiding.

The book went on sale, and I bought it because the writing was amazing.  While it was sad, I didn’t feel sad reading most of it.  Instead, I found my finger (it’s an e-book) underlining interesting thoughts or phrasing that I wanted to be able to find in the future.  Up until the end, it was much more about living than it was about dying in the same way that infertility can be more about yearning than it is about losing.

I’m glad I abided with his story, not just because it made me understand death better.  As his wife writes in the end on page 151, “Paul’s decision not to avert his eyes from death epitomizes a fortitude we don’t celebrate enough in our death-avoidant culture.”

Are there any books you’ve avoided reading because you’re concerned how you’ll feel as you move through the pages?

8 comments

1 Kathy { 12.12.18 at 8:33 am }

I’ve avoided books that highlight good reasons to be vegetarian and vegan, as I think they’d move me to be one or both and I’m not ready.

Looking forward to reading this one. It’s in my cue.

2 rose { 12.12.18 at 9:30 am }

I read the book when it came out. I found it to be powerful message about LIVING, and being honest about the future but not without hope. I read about infertility because of hope and because I walked that road for a long time back when there was much less to be done medically. Seeing hope as the message, even when what is hoped for must change is important in living. Thank you for all you do and the difference you have made in so very many lives.

3 loribeth { 12.12.18 at 10:39 am }

Well, I have been told that people still ttc/in infertility treatment avoid reading my blog, & other childless-not-by-choice blogs, because they can’t face the possibility of a future without children… at least not yet. Kind of an “ouch” moment, although I understand.

But I have to admit, I am guilty of not picking up certain books because I think they’ll be too depressing. On the one hand, my TBR pile is big enough as it is 😉 but yes, it’s good to get out of our comfort zones now & then and challenge ourselves… and sometimes, we find we’re pleasantly surprised, don’t we??

One book in my TBR pile that I picked up and then put down was “Feeding my Mother” by Jann Arden, about her mother’s decline into dementia/Alzheimer’s… I love Jann, and I loved her previous memoir (“Falling Backwards”)… but I was heading home to visit my OWN aging parents for Christmas (cant’ remember offhand if it was a year ago or two years ago??). It just didn’t seem like the right choice at the time. 😉 Probably not a good choice for right now either 😉 but I do want to get back to it soon!

4 Charlotte { 12.12.18 at 11:51 am }

I am an avoider. I don’t read or watch anything I feel like I won’t be able to handle. For example, soooo many people have told me how good This is Us is, but that it’s definitely a show where you cry at each episode. Well, I have no desire to spend my precious free time watching something that is going to make me feel that way. Same goes for reading, anything that might be too heavy of material in any way, I am not interested in. Real life is full of enough sad and depressing and difficult, terrible things. I am only interested in spending my free time on things that are going to uplift me or provide me with some type of escapism.

5 Sharon { 12.12.18 at 1:04 pm }

I *loved* When Breathe Becomes Air! I actually have a casual friend from law school who grew up with the author, so it was of particular interest to me for that reason, as well as all the accolades I read about it. Yes, it was sad that the author died, but there was so much more to the book than his terminal diagnosis and death.

I sometimes avoid things that are overly depressing to me, or have to be in a certain mood to read them. But in the main, the only books I completely avoid are those that are not well-written or likely to hold my interest.

6 Meenakshi { 12.12.18 at 1:09 pm }

I loved the book as well! Lucy Kalanithi has written an essay in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Loss-Conversation-Beginners-Welcome/dp/0062499181, which makes for some powerful reading and provides a satisfying closure to Paul’s book.

7 torthuil { 12.12.18 at 1:36 pm }

Interesting question. Yes I’ve avoids things. I started Being Mortal shortly after my dad’s death. It’s about aging and end of life care. It is very interesting and I was doing fine till I came to graphic descriptions of dying. It was too much like what I’d seen happen to my dad, so I stopped. But I probably can (and should) try again now. I think in general I may avoid books that are too close to immediate experience. I sometimes have to approach thungs more obliquely. And right now I am avoiding to some extent anything too much to do with reproduction and infertility, because I am working on developing some emotional distance. I need to make a space for other stories in my life. So I think avoidance can be ok at times, as long as it’s strategic.

8 Working mom of 2 { 12.13.18 at 1:04 am }

I suspect people who avoid reading about infertility who haven’t experienced it avoid it because they just don’t care since it doesn’t affect them versus it’s too heartbreaking for them to read about. I don’t feel like the world in general has a lot of sympathy for people going through infertility. There’s a lot of judging: oh you waited too long, why don’t you adopt, etc.

I personally am trying not to look away at things like starving children in Yemen, etc. even though they’re really hard to deal with.

(Plug for going vegan: easy and awesome; plug for watching this is us: yes you cry but it’s a cathartic cry not a depressing cry. LOVE that show and SPOILER: There’s a miscarriage/infertility/IVF storyline.)

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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