Everything at the Table Stopped
We were having dinner in a favourite restaurant; one that we go to about six times per year, whenever we’re in this certain town. The owner knows us by now because Josh and I have been going for 17 years, and we’ve been bringing the twins for at least 10 of those years. She usually swings by to catch up with us at some point in the meal.
This time, she started asking all sorts of questions about the twins. Their age. Whether they got along. Really, all of the questions were fine, and they were politely answering them, making conversation. And then she looked at me and said, “These two are your only kids? A girl and a boy. Good for you. You don’t need any more than that.”
And then everything at the table stopped.
It’s as if we all turned into stone people; like someone had stepped on a land mine and we had heard the telltale click and now we were panicked into stillness. She left the table, flitting over to help someone else. We stared at each other.
Sometimes you say something. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you say something back to make them feel what you are feeling. Sometimes you say nothing at all and carry the feelings with you into the night.
15 comments
(No words. Literally, my mouth is hanging open.)
I am so sorry. It’s really hard when people step on those landmines.
*cringe*
ouch.
Awww, Mel, I am so sorry that happened to your family, to you. We all know that people say such stupid, misguided things. It doesn’t make it better or right, it just is.
And I know what it feels like to be in that moment and just stay stoned still and not say anything. It happened to me recently during this latest miscarriage.
Sending you a lot of love. To all four of you.
Oh my gosh. If only we could go back in time and have that lady say something different like “you must be proud of these two, they seem like wonderful young adults.” Because I don’t know if I could ever go back and painful experiences change my ability to enjoy a past memory (in this case 17y of enjoying that town / restaurant.) hugs to you!
Oh. I’m sorry. Hugs to you.
We were eating breakfast at a hotel this summer and a woman stopped at our table – “2 girls? Is that all? Well, don’t worry. There’s still a chance to have a boy. My daughter in law had 2 girls and finally had a boy. There’s still a chance.”
My stomach dropped and twisted and I wanted to scream. First – NEVER suggest that my two girls who I worked so hard for are anything less than enough. Second – wth, lady? Go. Away.
Fortunately she didn’t go away and I got the chance to say “We don’t need a boy. We have these two amazing ladies.” And my 4 year old spoke up to say “We have our daddy! He’s our boy.” And I hugged her until that awful woman walked away.
And sometimes I say, “Actually D was a miracle of science and A was adopted, so…” and wait for the other person to get uncomfortable enough to walk away. But I don’t actually ever feel good after those encounters. It’s not really a win to make someone else feel bad but sometimes I can’t help myself.
I get this all the time too. It always floors me that people feel the need to comment on family size, not for a second considering what a landmine they have triggered in the process.
Sending you lots of hugs today. I’m so sorry this happened.
Wtf, really?
Completely inappropriate, plus, this is not the 60s. It’s not exactly unusual to have “only” two kids.
Floored. I’m so sorry.
I wonder if she has her own story going on on the background. It’s odd the way she pressed this time.
Which wouldn’t make it any less insensitive.
That’s just awful. I’m so sorry Mel. It sure reminds me of growing up. As an only child, and a girl, I heard so many thing like that. For the record, it took my mom years to get pregnant with me and once she had her little girl she was happy- that was all she ever wanted. My dad is a total narcissist and never has had any interest in anyone who isn’t him so kids of any gender? not an issue. But, the worst was hearing it over and over from his abusive, awful mother who told me from birth that I was wrong because I was a girl. So really, it never bothered me hearing it from everyone else because I got it at home all the time.
It really is crazy what comes out of people’s mouths sometimes. Having boy/girl twins, I understand. I’m sorry that happened to you.
oh wow. I’m so sorry that happened. People just speak without thinking, and never even realize the hurt they’ve caused.
It’s a terrible bummer on what sounds like an otherwise nice evening. When everyone froze in solidarity, did the kids get why? How open are you with them on the subject?
When I get a terrible comment I also resort to silence. Anything I say won’t make them understand and can’t undo the harm done. So unless I know I can prevent them from saying it to someone else, why embarrass them too with a snarky comeback.
I am so sorry, that is such a hard moment. I hate when a landmine happens and you are frozen, just sitting there in disbelief, but then it replays for long after and had aftershocks. I don’t know why she couldn’t have just said that you have a beautiful family and left it at that.
I thought of you this morning Mel. I went to my local hospital for blood work, and I also had to drop off a urine sample from my daughter. The lab person who drew my blood was the same person who checked me in, so she saw the paperwork for my daughter and entered information.
So when she drew my blood she did the usual asking me to confirm my name and birthdate (1968). Then she asked me how old my daughter was. I answered 7, thinking she must’ve seen my daughter’s birthday when she entered the information and this was a sort of subtle commenting on my age since I had just given her my birthdate. Or, maybe she hadn’t noticed my daughter’s birthday and she was figuring I must have a teenager since I’m so freaking old. Then – – she asks “oh, is she your only one?”. And I said no I have a younger one too, daring her to comment on my age which she did not. She was probably late 20s.
But really – – what if I did have just one child and I desperately had wanted a second one? She was probably too young to realize what she was asking might be hurtful. Then again, why would she assume I only had one? Because I was so old when I had her? It’s not like we had been having some long discussion about my child and I had somehow given the impression that I just had the one.