No More Middle Children
I’m a middle child, and I’ve been lovingly teased my whole life about being a middle child. But it didn’t occur to me until I read this article this summer that we don’t have a middle child in our family. We have twins — two — and one is the oldest and one is the youngest. The position I hold in my childhood family has been eliminated in our immediate one.
I don’t know many people with three children. Most of our friends have somewhere between zero and two.
The article states: “The American Middle Child is now an endangered species. As the ideal number of children per family has shrunk to two — that’s not me speaking, it’s demographics — the middle child, in a very real sense, is disappearing.” Today, two-thirds of women with children have one or two. Not three or more. Which means: “Middle children, the most populous birth-order demographic throughout most of human history, will soon be the tiniest.”
I don’t think birth order is the end-all-and-be-all, but I do think that where people fall in the family influences their personality a bit. How can it not? And if a position is eliminated, how does that affect the greater world? I don’t think people should have more children just to keep middles around, but it is an interesting thing to think about.
Once you have a child, an oldest child exists. Once you have a second, a youngest child exists. But you have to keep going to create a middle. We weren’t successful, maybe that’s why I’m drawn to thought-provoking articles like this.
Are you a middle child? Do you think birth order means anything?
11 comments
My mom is the 4th of 8 (living) siblings; the large-family dynamic is also so very different from my experience as the oldest of two, or what I see in how my two kids interact with each other.
I am the youngest of 4 married to the oldest of 6. All of the stereotypes about oldest children fit very well for my husband, but I am not a typical youngest child (I prefer NOT to be the center of attention and nobody caters to my needs. And the only reason I got away with everything and never got in trouble was because I learned what not to do from watching my older sisters). We only have 1 child, although I would have preferred to have at least 1 more.
My experience of middle children (and no offense to you!) has been that they are hypersensitive to criticism and are always striving to keep up with older siblings while keeping younger ones in the position of being younger (and therefore less experienced and less wise). It makes for some uncomfortable family dynamics in both my and my husband’s family. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to tread lightly around my sisters and I certainly don’t bother with my husband’s siblings. And so, I didn’t speak to one middle sister for about 6 months and the other for several years at various times in my life. I know that the striving thing is deemed vital to innovation, so I can see why it’s worrisome to no longer have that. One of my SILs has 4 kids. My oldest sister and another SIL each have 3 kids…but for them, the middle child is the only girl. So, I doubt the middle child dynamic will be at play there.
Well, that all just reminded my that I needed to annoy my nephew with a job opportunity, so thanks for that!
We have a similar set up within our immediate family. But with twins, the lines between oldest and youngest get blurred a lot, so it’s been interesting.
I’m the oldest child and the oldest grandchild (both sides). The pressure to blaze the trail was certainly there and because of it I expected a lot out of my siblings and my cousins. I’m pretty typical for this role. My brother and sister play out their roles fairly stereotypically too.
Grey is interesting because even though he’s technically a middle child, there’s also a 4 year gap between him and his older sister (6 years between his oldest brother) and only a 2 year gap between him and Lucas. So he’s what I call an “oldest middle” child as he looked out for Lucas a lot and they have a strong bond. That said, he also is hyper aware that he’a often been lost in the mix as middle children tend to be overlooked.
It’s interesting to think that as family size shrinks, so too do these dynamics. But also what changes is how parents view their children. My viewpoint has always been to invest in them so they can move beyond us. Honestly, I don’t believe my parents or Grey’s parents really gave that any thought, having children more out of habit and what was expected. It’s made for some interesting conversations as both sets of parents age and realize that the care they gave to their aging parents won’t be there as we are investing in our kids.
This is very interesting. It got me thinking.
So, for me, I am from a blended family with siblings much older than me, so I didn’t necessarily grow up with them all in the house. So while I am number 6 of 7 total, I am the oldest of the 2 of us who were totally raised together, and also the youngest girl. So I was maybe spoiled and baby-ed more as the “baby girl” but also very bossy and older child-like as the “oldest”. And I definitely got a rap and picked on as the “baby girl” by the other siblings.
In my own family, within my oldest 3, there is definitely the older, middle, younger dynamic and they all very definitely fit those definitions. The middle one, especially, is my easy-going peacemaker, always trying to bridge the gap between the others when squabbles happen. She’s probably the most calm and even keeled one I have. And the oldest definitely is bossy and resents being the oldest of so many having to be “the example” to the younger ones. My youngest of the older 3 definitely felt lost when the dynamic shifted when the next baby came around when he was 8…and he wasn’t the baby anymore. I think because of the age gap, I don’t see as much of an oldest/youngest in the youngest 2, except that number 4 finds himself drug around by the older 3 and finds it hard to want to take orders from them, but he definitely has finally shown some older-sibling tendencies toward the youngest.
Both DH and I were the youngest of 2, and we have 2 (which is all we wanted). So neither of us is familiar with the dynamic.
Honestly, I don’t see how working parents can handle more than 2. As it is there is so much hurt and jealousy with one of ours when the other gets praise or attention. (And it’s not like we are cold people who don’t give their kids affection). My oldest reminisces about how great it was “when it was just us” even though she was under two and can’t actually remember her sister not being there. I can’t imagine them “competing” with one or more additional kids.
I do think birth order means something, although I think that twins are a different and unique situation that’s not really the same as having two kids of different ages.
Like you, we only have our twins, no other kids. I am the older of two children (born 25 months apart), and my husband is an only child. So there are no middle children in our family.
“the position … has been eliminated” sounds very different from “the position … has not been fulfilled”.. Pondering your choice of words.
When it comes to birth order I am thinking that a lot of new situations are being created in society these days, with people divorcing and then combining half- or part time families. Certain weekends we have 3 children in the house, but during school weeks the middle is away being an oldest child in his other family. (until the other children from that other family move halfway the week and he is an only child for a few days again)
It probably sounds as confusing as it is.
This is so interesting. I’ll call it the Jan Factor.
I adore my middle sister, and I think about all her (and your) wonderful traits, some of which probably came from birth order. It does make me sad to think that some of this flavor may not be around as much in the future.
I also think it’s heartbreaking for people who want a middle to not be able to fulfill that. xoxo
I am the oldest of two children, as is dh. And I would say we are both classic oldest children, and our siblings both fit the general profile of the youngest child. 😉 Interesting to think about middle children disappearing, as families get smaller. Most people I know have just one or two kids these days — although a few have three, and one of dh’s cousins’ daughters, who is still in her early 30s, has FOUR. I think some people would like to have more children than they do, but — even if you’re someone who doesn’t need expensive fertility treatments to get & stay pregnant! — the cost & logistics of raising more than one or two children, in an age of stagnant incomes (and the need for two of them, in most cases) makes it very hard to do.
Hmm, I’m the oldest of two, and like Cristy the oldest grandchild, too. Most of my friends growing up were one of two, but I have a lot of friends who had 3 or 4 kids (and a lot who had none, and a few who had one). Bryce is an only child, and had we been successful we would have likely had an only child. I think there’s definitely stereotypes that ring true with birth order. It’s weird to think on a while category slowly disappearing. And it sucks when your kids’ birth order is cut short of what you wanted it to be.
I do think birth order means something. But it is a bit more complicated than that. For example, I would think oldest/youngest is pretty irrelevant when it comes to twins. They have a unique twinness that singles, whether oldest or youngest or middle, never have.
I’m a middle child, and quite classically a mediator. Yet there is an age gap between my elder sister and me, and so I’m also a lot like an older child, as I was the eldest of the two youngest. If that makes sense. (I’ve just gone back and read Cristy’s comment. Yes, I’m just like her husband.)
I’m sad to think that middle children are disappearing. We bring something special to the world.