Advice of the Day: Read Blogs
We are horrible at predicting how another person thinks or feels.
That’s science.
No, I mean, that’s actually science. Israeli and American scientists conducted 25 experiments to see how well we could walk a mile in another person’s shoes, and it turns out that we suck, hardcore. We’re not really imagining the world as that person experiences the world. We’re imagining how WE would experience the world if we were that person.
We’re not even good at this when we’re married to the person:
The researchers wanted to see if people who had some meaningful information about each other—like spouses—could make accurate judgments about the other’s reactions to jokes, opinions, videos, and more. It turned out that neither spouses nor strangers nor friends tended to make accurate judgments when “taking another’s perspective.”
It turns out that the number one way to understand another person is not to imagine their life but to ask them their thoughts or feelings. You need to hear their words to understand.
The final experiment confirmed that getting another person’s perspective directly, through conversation, increased the accuracy of subjects’ predictions, while simply “taking” another’s perspective did not. This was true for partners, friends, and strangers alike.
Luckily, people volunteer their perspective all the time on blog posts. And if you do have a question, there is always the comment section or an email.
Of course, what this also means is that you can’t use a single experience to stand in place for everyone else’s experience. I can’t read one parenting blog and understand all parents or read one blog from someone living in New York and think that I know all New Yorkers. One person can’t stand in place for the whole. But they’re a door into a world, and if you listen hard enough, you don’t have to assume. You just need to keep practicing “perspective getting.”
Maybe that is the definitive answer to yesterday’s post: “In order to understand what your spouse prefers—don’t try to guess, ask.” Maybe that should be the case all around.
4 comments
I was just thinking about your post from yesterday while reading this. There’s this assumption that we can understand someone based on shared experiences and yet no two people experience an event or situation the same way. It really is why stories are so powerful because it gives the readers insight into the author’s world.
Thank you for this reminder (I’m currently in the thick of drama with all the changes that are happening at work with the goal of getting this material out to teachers in less than 3 weeks) and needed this to force myself to shut-up and listen a lot more. That and read
This is so true! “We’re not really imagining the world as that person experiences the world. We’re imagining how WE would experience the world if we were that person.”
I love how you titled this post.
It really irks me when people assume what my thoughts or feelings would be when they could just ask. I’ve been taking a page from my social worker friend and asking “how do you feel about that?”
I have seen many women complain that, when they have gone through devastating pregnancy loss or struggled with infertility, their husbands don’t feel the same. What they have failed to realise is that they might not feel the same, or they might not react the same. They are different people. Once they were able to accept this, it is so much easier for both sides to open up. It’s made me better able to understand others too – or to realise that maybe I don’t understand them as well as I think I do.
And like Lori LL, I love the title. You’ve nailed it in one!