Why It’s Hard to Make Friends
While we were out Saturday night, we encountered a zombie walk. All the kids rushed to the window of the party space to observe the adults dressed in costume. (There was also a dinosaur. I’m not sure how dinosaurs fit in with the whole zombie theme.) It was a moment that reminded me of college or my early 20s; a time period where I would have dressed up as a zombie and moaned down the street. Now I’m more likely to crawl into bed and read a book about zombies.
It made me think about a recently re-run New York Times article about making friends past 30, because that’s the real thing that caught my attention with the zombie walk. The people with their arms flung around each other’s shoulders, walking in twos or threes. There were no single zombies, no lone undead dragging themselves through the street. Marching in makeup is clearly an activity that requires friends; the more the better.
The article states:
In your 30s and 40s, plenty of new people enter your life, through work, children’s play dates and, of course, Facebook. But actual close friends — the kind you make in college, the kind you call in a crisis — those are in shorter supply.
As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.
So acquaintances keep coming — and maybe you only need an acquaintance to join a zombie walk — but the friends are few and far between. We spend the vast majority of our social time with people we’ve known since high school or college. We’ve added a few close friends in the last few years because our kids are all friends. But even that has slowed down.
The article does a great job outlining why it’s hard to make friends, and what has changed from the college years until now. It’s not just the low-hanging fruit you’re thinking about like difficult schedules. It’s about you job or how much you earn coming into play. Or whether your colleagues are also your competitors. It’s an interesting article.
Definitely worth reading before the next zombie walk.
12 comments
And this is why I have found myself increasingly friendless. I do not think I have a single “close” friend at the moment. Acquaintances I have plenty. Friends? TRUE friends? Nope. Not a one to be found. I’m finding that I’m both alone, and lonely lately and tears flow frequently. 🙁
This is so true. I’ve thought about this a lot lately. How I used to be so outgoing, meet new people, make new friends. Now I feel like I’m not very good at it and I’ve found myself wondering what happened. I feel broken. Like I don’t have the courage to let myself trust others to really be there.
Gil from above. I totally feel the same way.
I think I’m just pickier. Like…I could have a bunch more friends if I wanted to be the one to do all the contacting and arranging. But I let people drift away, because after a few efforts with no reciprocation, it’s not worth my time any more. Geography has something to do with it too – I live in a place where everyone knows each other from high school, or even elementary school. So, I already don’t fit.
On the other hand, I’ve never been especially outgoing, so I don’t get upset to find myself mostly by myself.
I find this interesting. My friends from high school aren’t really my friends anymore. While some of us still text every now and then, we wouldn’t be calling each other in a crisis. I think something happens when you start having kids, where you at some point just kind of hunker down to raise your kids and it becomes all about your family. I have seen a great divide happen especially between people we knew before kids, who never had their own.
And quite frankly, going through the loss of some at one point key friendships has sort or made me not really look for or seek out new friendships. It is too exhausting to try and maintain them, either I do all the work feeling like I am chasing someone down to hang out with me, or they expect more than I can reasonably contribute at this point in my life. The last major lasting friend I met about 10 years ago at this point. But even her and I don’t go out socially very often, but we definitely call each other during a crisis.
Weirdly enough, I feel like after having my last 2 kids after a gap that I am really socially awkward now, especially around other parents (like kids friends parents or parents we chat with at the pool.) I am much more of an introvert now in situations like that. But at wrk at I am totally social and very extroverted. It’s so odd.
I found that there have been occasions in my life that helped me make friends … having a kid, not-having kids, joining a faith community, moving. It’s slower, and I don’t know that these are my soul mates, but I do feel like every one of those zombie walks have helped me to grow a little, and bolstered me while I was on the road. In fact, I talk less with the folks that I’ve known since high school and college … my adult friends, few though they may be, are people who understand me better.
I’ve found that my closest friends are some combination of those from college and those from adulthood. But that’s not quite accurate – most from adulthood have some roots in college friendships whether mine or my husband’s. I think what I’ve found so far is my adulthood-friends tend to come and go depending on phase/geography in life but my close college friendships are more enduring.
I find this too. It is hard to reach out to people and not get the same stuff in return. While I am trying to make friends with my daughter’s parents the age difference comes into play–a lot.
And, as usual, I’m the unusual one- I went through my 20’s and 30’s with scarcely a friend around. Shorly before turning 40 we moved back to where my lifelong BFF was- we’ve been friends since 2nd grade. Suddenly, I have my people! Most importantly her, but the people I’ve me through her and friends of hers? Now I have friends- friends who rallied when we went through medical things this summer, friends who wanted to be included in my birthday friends to hang out wtih. The friends I’ve wanted my whole life- it just took a while.
Ha, so true. I think about all the things I did in my 20s and early 30s that made me someone other people considered fun and interesting, and made me consider myself the same, and I just don’t do many of them anymore. I never did a zombie walk but would have been totally up for it. In fact, one of the pitches on my dating profile was basically “I will make your life more interesting.” My husband still thinks I do but honestly I don’t think I’d try to sell myself that way as a friend. More like, I will try hard to do some things with you occasionally. “Old friends” are valuable because I don’t feel like we have to convince each other we are compatible: we just accept each other. That’s reassuring. Having said that, I’m feeling more optimistic about making new parent friends since I actually hosted a birthday party for my daughter and invited people. I had anxiety over this event for about a year. Maybe since she was born. But I did it!
Wait… we were supposed to make close friends in college?
I wish we lied closer. I would totally crawl in bed and read about zombies next to you.
I don’t have a single close friend from university (college) days … though I do have a husband! My close friends have been collected from various workplaces – dating back to the 80s. Being self-employed has made it much much harder to make new friendships, and being childless does too, as a number of my friends established new, close friendships with their kids’ friends’ parents.
I think too it is easy to take old friendships for granted, and this risks them drifting away. (A friend took me for granted, and I was the one who drifted.) I have a small circle of close friends and they are very precious to me.