Are You Mom Enough Time Magazine Cover
I had a really difficult time writing a title for this post because I don’t really want to talk about attachment parenting or older child breastfeeding. I think it’s a big world, and people should find what works for them. And having not been able to breastfeed, I don’t know enough about nutrition and older child breastfeeding to form any judgment. (And that is a hint that I also don’t want to hear since I will never have a use for this information.)
I do judge Time for having their cover quote be “Are You Mom Enough.” Why don’t they just have their cover quote be more direct, something like: “hey, people, please bully each other so we can sell magazines!” You may have noticed that I don’t like to waste time. I’m a big fan of people just saying what they want to say. So… consider that for next time, Time magazine.
I am not going to embed the cover because I feel squeamish featuring an image that may fall under the terms of fair use but in which a minor is featured. Yet in order to understand what I’m about to ask about, you’ll need to go over and see it. It is a mother breastfeeding her almost four-year-old son.
We’ve had to make some hard decisions this year to keep the twins out of some activities and opportunities because participation was contingent on allowing them to be photographed and signing a wide release form. The ideology that guides how Josh and I write or feature the twins remains the same despite the medium*. I don’t post their photograph online — not on Facebook, not on my blog — and ask that friends and family not post pictures of them either. We never sign photo release forms or give control of our child’s image to another person. I do this not because I believe that if I post the Wolvog’s picture that it will end up on a child porn site nor do I believe that if I post the ChickieNob’s picture, she’ll end up on a billboard in Prague selling fruit juice.
I don’t use the twins’ image because I don’t know how they’ll feel about their image being used, and they’re not at an age where I can ask and receive a thoughtful answer. They may be totally fine with it, or they may be upset to read what someone writes about their image. And without knowing, I don’t feel comfortable proceeding. It’s the same ideology I bring to writing about them: I don’t write about anything I wouldn’t say in front of their friends in this moment. Therefore, you will never hear about medical issues or milestones not met or anything they may not want the world to know. You will hear about how they process the idea of evolution or the ChickieNob’s love of the Beastie Boys because that is what they are talking about with their friends right now. Low stakes stuff; that’s what you’re going to find in regards to parenting since I don’t always feel like it’s my story to tell.
And I want to pause to shout this so you’ll hear it: I not only do not judge parents who have a different comfort zone, but I have a great deal of respect because you have created those bridges of understanding between people by placing your story out there. I love it when our friends post pictures of their kids on Facebook — I enjoy being connected in that manner. I have benefited greatly because people write about personal matters on their blog, which not only gives me information but often times makes me feel less alone.
I am truly only writing this post because I have noticed — especially this year — that I have a very different comfort zone from most people around me.
A few years ago, I was featured in a New York Times article. I never wrote about it here because… well… there was a reason why I only used my first name for the article. After we had done the interview and such, the author of the article told me that they were sending a photographer to my house to take a picture of myself with the twins. Uh… no. I emailed with the photographer explaining that while I was fine being photographed in a public spot because I knew the repercussions of putting myself out there, I couldn’t make that decision for the twins, not knowing how they’d feel in the future about having been featured. I don’t think the photographer could fathom my stance on this because she kept emailing me about needing the twins in the photo, and I finally had to say that I was very comfortable not being part of the article at all, but not comfortable putting the twins in there. The story ultimately was run with the image of a different person interviewed for the same article.
And I totally respect that woman for acting within her comfort zone; I just always wonder why my comfort zone is so different from other people.
When I saw the Time magazine cover, I didn’t give a lot of thought to older child breastfeeding nor the fact that Time is continuously trying to foment women into fighting each other, much like a bunch of fraternity guys chanting “cat fight, cat fight, cat fight” at two women struggling to understand each other and keep their emotions in check.
What struck me as I looked at the cover was how this mother knew that her child wouldn’t be bothered ten years down the road for being featured on the cover of a national magazine with her breast in his mouth. Because I don’t know my children in that way; I can’t predict how they’ll feel. I can only guess, and that guess is based on pretty much no concrete evidence. In fact, most of that guess is based on my own discomfort: for instance, I would never be on a reality show. Other people say they would be thrilled to be on one. I guess that I judge myself then; wonder why I’m not up for being on a reality show. Where other people see a thrill, I see something nerve-wracking. So I use my own comfort zone to make decisions for the twins. Because I have to make decisions, and what else can I base it on?
I am fiercely protective of the twins, and it’s the only way I know how to parent where I can put my head on the pillow at night and know I did my best. That I stayed in my comfort zone. That I didn’t allow anyone else to pressure me to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I also know that some people think my comfort zone limits are ridiculous, but I can’t really live my life making other people happy while making myself anxious. I parent like this because it’s easier; though I don’t know if it’s really better (though who can really define the term “better.”).
All I know is that I often wonder why my comfort zone is here and other people’s comfort zones are there, and what that says about me. Sometimes I second-guess myself when I’m the only person making a decision, even if it feels like the best decision in my heart. Especially when our decision causes the twins to miss out on something because we won’t sign the release form or allow them to be photographed.**
* This is what works for me, and everyone needs to work within their comfort zone. I seriously can’t say this enough.
** This magazine cover triggered something for me only because the topic was already in the forefront of my mind. My apologies to the mother on the cover if she feels singled out. I actually thought her Q & A in the magazine was intelligent and thoughtfully-constructed in order to invite conversation rather than shut down conversation.
36 comments
Whatever their purpose they did get themselves on the view this morning with this cover and it did no favors for people who practice AP. The women of the view actually just spouted off inaccuracies about AP and then went so far as to say we shouldn’t talk about it because it would make working moms feel bad. They didn’t seem to get the memo that you can work and practice AP and make decisions other than the ones they made and still be a rational parent with a good relationship. I won’t be paying a penny for their magazine. Can’t we all just get along and stop judging?!?! It is also evidence that I need to stop watching the view.
I agree wholeheartedly when you say how TIME is just trying to get women/moms in different corners! It’s already bad enough, why do we want to add fuel to the catty fires? I’m all for every family doing what is right for them. Who am I to judge? I do agree with you though, where you say you don’t know what your children will think in 10 years if that were them in the photo. I think it a bold photo choice and unfortunately, as with the comment above via the View, AP is not talked about enough, but it’s so easy for those women to sit at a table and make comments. We needs to be a band of women, no matter what. Not segmented, sectioned off subgroups.
I am constantly surprised at others eagerness to send their child’s image out there into the ether. I agree with you completely and that was my first thought too on seeing the cover this morning. I just thought, I am not sure that child wanted that photo taken and what will he think in the future. I think AP is a personal choice. It is my intention to keep images of my own children private and within my circle of family and friends. I would not even put them up on facebook.
I don’t have a fully formed opinion but what did make me cock my head was that that image, of a mother breastfeeding her 4 yr old son flew in the face of what I thought AP was in that I never would have thought a rational mother who practiced AP would allow or want an image like that of her child put forth. I thought AP parents, on the whole, were much more protective of their child’s rights.
It sure is tiring having to ward off all the media stimuli regarding parenting and motherhood in particular.
I don’t watch The View but did tape today’s show as I am a big Howard Stern fan and was happy to see him chat it up on their couch (I mostly dislike them all). And, tomorrow they will have EL James on (Fifty Shades author) and I am interested in her interview.
I have a few pictures of my daughter up on facebook, but I have restricted who can see them (well, I think I have, anyway!). I’m pretty sure, at some point, any photo you have taken of your child/ren will embarrass them in some way. I am less concerned about my daughter’s image being “out there” than my husband, but I don’t sign the release forms either.
I feel bad for that boy, because really – he has to grow up with that picture out there for the rest of his life. He has no choice.
I don’t share many pictures on facebook. I make sure that the ones I do show my children in a flattering light – nothing of them on the potty, no screaming/crying/pouting. I guess my opinion is that I can’t see anything that would embarrass them about a picture of them grinning into the camera or playing outside. But I also have a very limited number of facebook friends, largely BECAUSE I want to be able to share things about my children that I don’t really want just anybody to have access to.
While I have all kinds of mixed feeling about that cover, I agree with you that we have to stick to our comfort level when posting pictures of our kids and be considerate to them. I subscribe to STFU Parents I don’t know if you have ever mentioned it in your blog before, but it is the epitome of parents that over share, usually pics of their kids. That blog is a daily reminder of what not to do on the internet.
Honestly, I don’t think many people put the same thought into sharing images as you do. The idea that in 5-10 yrs time that a photo shared may is a source of anxiety isn’t that normally crosses many people’s radar. And if it does, usually it’s something that many only think about regarding themselves, not other parties.
AP parenting is a bit of a hot issue, with the press pushing for different camps. I currently am not a parent, so I really feel I can’t weigh in on the issue, but I will say that I believe no one should push their agenda/beliefs onto others. Each situation will be unique and what works for some will not work for others.
I’m not going to comment on that stupid article. (Whoops! I just did.)
But, I totally get your concerns and I thought you might’ve interested in my experience: my parents wrote about me a lot, and we were all featured many times in different media, although none of it was nationwide or global. It was mostly OK, but my dad did write about my car accident when I was 20, and in it I sounded like the ditziest sorority girl in the world. 5 million people read that! And, it while it captured an accurate depiction of who I was as a 20 year old college girl when I hung out with my friends, it’s embarrassing now. Luckily, it was soon lining the finest cat litter pans in the Bay Area. Which is also the problem with blogs.
So this is why I really only write about my twins in generalities. I have posted a few photos of them. But I don’t want to condemn those who use photos and do talk about kids. Like you said, the stories are invaluable. And I should add that the column about me only made me stop using “like” so much in sentences and that can only be a good thing?
The older I get — the further into the future I can see — the more I can live by this simple yet elegant statement: “I can’t really live my life making other people happy while making myself anxious.”
When someone close to me was going through a divorce and her parents could not initially support her on it (because they feared the impact on their grandchildren) I counseled the parents that (1) only their daughter knew what it was like to be a member of that household, not them; and (2) only their daughter would deal with the consequences of any decision they made; not them (directly). She would thus make the best decisions for them she could.
So this is what I say to you and to everyone as they set their boundaries. (1) of all people, you know your children and your situation best; and (2) the consequences of your actions, hopefully good ones, will be dealt with by you. This frees us all to let go of judging others and their boundaries.
Mind tend to be small. They’re right for me, for us.
We can only do what makes us most comfortable and I think wondering about why we have different comfort zones is a fine thing, as long as we don’t judge ourselves or others in the process, which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing at all.
As for the Time cover, I wonder if she ever once thought about how her son might feel about that image being out there for the rest of his life. I mean, she might feel very secure in her decisions to breastfeed until her kids are whatever age (I have not seen the article) but they might feel differently and his feelings-especially his future feelings-are important to consider.
Just read a great Salon article on this cover:
http://www.salon.com/2012/05/10/why_times_cover_shocks/singleton/
I’m curious about your stance on allowing your kids to be photographed. At my school, we have password protected classroom websites. That is, only the school community (parents and staff) have access. We put up pix of students working in our classrooms on a weekly basis. Would you object in that case?
I definitely understand a blanket rule against posting photos of your kids publicly (although I think it would be totally unfeasible in our circles. There just aren’t consent forms for birthday parties, ballet, and playground playdates, and all of those photos land up online). However, would you be quite as quick to judge if the photo was of the little boy winning the spelling bee? Or carrying a pro-Obama poster at a rally? What gets to me is that everyone is “so concerned” about whether he’ll be ok with a “picture of a boob in his mouth.” Breastfeeding is normal, natural, and healthy. Including at age 4. You would never ask this question of a photo of the same boy at age 4 eating an ice cream cone or a slice of pizza, so why breastmilk? With all due respect to the tone, this reeks of judgment and hinted inappropriate mother-child sexuality in your response. And those allegations have reprecussions. They discourage women from breastfeeding, and encourage early weaning.
I love the photos of myself nursing as a child, and those of my children nursing. And while I can definitely understand a no photos policy, I refuse to hold a different policy for my child eating a lollipop as nursing at the breast.
Thanks for your post. I really liked the research-based information at this site:
http://www.momenough.com
Made me feel a lot better about my decisions!
Here’s another great response to the cover:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-belkin/no-i-am-not-mom-enough_b_1507550.html?ref=fb&src=sp&mimi=1&comm_ref=false#sb=2291676,b=facebook
Rachel, wow, great points.
I was featured on a pamphlet cover for a low-income food society in Chicago as a 3 year old. It’s never occurred to be to be ashamed of it, after all, I highly doubt anyone would connect the picture with the adult me.
I love how thoughtful you are about how you portray the twins in this space and the explanation behind it. The parallel to what you say about things being ‘their stories’ is what they teach us in int’l adoption education – the details about how they came to be orphans are their stories, not ours to share with every person who asks intrusive questions. I’ve been working on a post about it actually 🙂
Rachel,
My feelings aren’t really about what he’s eating, it’s about how he has no say in that he is now the poster child for a controversial subject in a very public format, with a very combative headline. And because the mother’s full name is used, his identity can be found out and especially in his community people will know exactly who that kid is and what he’s associated with. His mother is offering him up to receive judgement on the topic by putting that image and that headline out there for public consumption with her name attached.
Would I object to a kid eating an ice cream cone? Depends on context. If he’s eating it and the headline is about finding America’s top ice cream flavors … no. If he’s overweight and the headline is “America’s Obesity Epidemic” – yeah. I feel bad for that kid. Context matters to me.
I think we all have different comfort zones, depending on the issue. I mean, I now write quite openly about my infertility. I have a friend who hasn’t even told her family that she even tried to have children. But I won’t talk about my sex life, and she will! Our comfort zones are very different, and that’s okay – we’re different.
I can however totally understand your comfort zone regarding the twins. Let’s face it – a photograph of a pair of twins 30 years ago would have been in a newspaper or magazine, and forgotten and disappeared by the next day. These days, it is very different, and you recognise that. Perhaps internet-savvy parents like yourself are more aware of the risks and issues. I know I was far more concerned about my 13 year old niece’s internet activities than her mother was (at the time), simply because I was more internet-aware, and could see what she was doing, whereas her mother couldn’t (and didn’t understand). Likewise, if I post photos of my youngest niece on FB, I give access to it ONLY to her parents, and close family. My sister, on the other hand, is more open about it. I’m the paranoid one, and they’re not even my kids!
nursing moms should only feed their infant not a kid who can run, talk, and play. this mom on this magazine is setting a bad reputation for this child. this can ruin his mental delopment for many reasons. this especially should not be on the time magazine! BFing is a natural and nice nurioushment for the baby, i do understand. but this… he is a big boy NOT a baby!
I shared the cover pic with my husband and his comment was, “I wonder how long they had that kid posing, and telling him what to do in front of the camera.” I think he pretty much nailed why I felt so weird about it. Breastfeeding might be natural. I’m not one to tell a mother when she should stop, but there was nothing natural about this studio pic, with a kid standing on top of a chair and both looking at a camera.
Interesting post that has made me rethink my comfort zone. I’ve been comfortable posting anything that I can’t imagine my children would be embarrassed by later in life but they may obviously have a different opinion when they are older. I think it’s something thing that I will continually be reevaluating.
Seems everyone is blogging about this…
http://ktdlzll.blogspot.ca/2012/05/got-milk.html
There are so many privacy issues with fb that I don’t have enough characters in this memo field to detail. One of them being face recognition software. Imagine in 20 years when this boy goes to his first job interview and they take his photograph and scan it on the internet to find unnamed and unsecured pictures (you know, to find you in the background at crazy drunk party pics and such) and come across this picture.
This also reminds me of the kid on the Nevermind album…
Oh yeah, and my mom couldn’t bf me. She felt all sorts of guilty about it for decades. When going through IF, I explained that due to her probably undiagnosed hypothroidism at the time (which I inherited), that her hormones probably prevented the production of milk. She burst into tears.
So well written. Thank you. My head starting hurting with all the buzzing and banging of so many thoughts regarding the Time article, and their choice of the heading “Are you Mom Enough?” After reading your article I don’t feel so angry. Now I feel calm enough that should anyone bring up the subject I’ll just smile and tell them to read your article.
Yawn. Yes, what you said about shouting cat fight cat fight cat fight (as if breastfeeding age is something we should be arguing about amongst ourselves anyway). They could have titled it with… anything else, really.
Um, I don’t know why you are to one side of the mainstream on this one. I have to say I am personally more relaxed than you (though not as relaxed as some). In response to Rachel, she does make a point worth making, but I think ANDMom has summed it up nicely in her response. It’s not because breastfeeding at nearly-four is wrong, it’s having your child’s image and name attached to a controversial issue that would worry me. I was in a breastfeeding story in the newspaper with my 3mo but I would hesitate to front up with him at this age for that reason (if he was still breastfeeding – we gave it up earlier because we wanted to do more IVF and that gave us practical complications).
Then I would second-guess myself because if people never see older kids breastfeeding they get left with this idea that it’s somehow “unnatural” (and I’m sure the article deals pretty conclusively with that one so I won’t). I’d be thinking well, in the future, few more articles like this one and if the western world keeps mismanaging its money like they seem to be such that they cease to be such a dominant culture, well, maybe it ceases to be controversial and we all settle down? I mean, imagine in my mother’s day women allowing themselves to be photographed breastfeeding at all! Whereas that one didn’t bother me.
I do notice I’m more bothered about DS’s photo generally now he’s older (and hence looks more like himself than a blob). So there’s that, too.
I guess I feel like putting a few non-controversial photos out there is the least of his future therapy bills.
This definitely says more about the way you yourself feel comfortable being exposed to the world than anything else. More time on the couch, Mel!
Bea
“This also reminds me of the kid on the Nevermind album…”
Yes, me too, Denver. I saw him interviewed about it (in his late teens). It didn’t seem to have any real impact on his life – he seemed little more than bemused. I think being a baby rather than a more recognisable boy had a big impact on his attitude.
Bea
OK, so the cover title is beyond barfalicious for the reasons you stated so I won’t rant and rage here about media stirring the mommy-war pot.
But regarding comfort levels with sharing things online. I don’t do facebook at all, so posting photos there is not an issue for me. I do post pictures of my children on my blog. My comfort with that stems from (a) their relative anonymity – no names, no birthdays, etc, and (b) the relative anonymity of my blog – I have virtually no followers, and most of the people who visit my blog with any regularity are real life friends and family. My children are still very young though, and as they get older I’m sure my opinions will change and I will seek out their explicit permission before posting anything about them. Or perhaps I will stop blogging by that point, who knows.
I do, however, have other discomforts. In particular, I am uncomfortable writing about my Jewishness online. I have done so, but I kind of force myself to do so. I always wonder if I might be putting myself and family in danger based on my religious identity (yeah, I come from that generation, from that kind of family). I have seen that you are very open and free about your cultural identity, and I have admired that and I try to tell myself I do not live in 1933 Germany, I can talk about this and still be safe… but I don’t necessary feel safe doing so. So why do I?Trying to overcome that fear I guess. Maybe the same can be said about people that post pictures of their children online? Perhaps they don’t feel 100% comfortable, but they tell themselves that what they are doing is “safe enough”.
I found the cover offensive. Not for the picture, to me, to each is own and I can criticize my feelings about over protectiveness, etc. but you know, whatever. I find the whole “are you mom enough” statement a bunch of crap.
I don’t need parents, a magazine, media, my own parents, my husband, friends, anyone who has a voice in my life to ever, ever, EVER say “are you mom enough” because you know what, I (like many others) are bending over backwards to be the best mom I can be and the best example for my 3 year old son. I am overly cautious on how I talk with him because my parents didn’t do the same for me and I won’t even go there. I’m not saying I”m all “I’m his friend” because I’m a parent first and yea, he gets pissy at me for saying no. But my #1 goal is to make sure he is on the right path—to make sure he’s healthy, make sure he’s confident, make sure he’s independent, make sure he recognizes the value of an education, make sure he’s respectful, make sure he’s loving….I do it all. I work because I bring home the benefits for our family. I would have LOVED to stay home with him for a year but it was more important for him to have premo insurance through my work. I wrote 6 hospital execs, MDs, ER directors when shit hit the fan–not because I wanted money—but because I wanted them to be very aware the impact their (lack there of) care and flowchart type care was not working for him and possibly not for anyone else. I made damn sure I did everything in my power to make sure my pregnancy went well. That “one glass doesn’t matter” did matter to me. I didnt need a drink during pregnancy. And I would throw anyone—and I mean ANYONE under the bus if they dare hurt him. I don’t care if it’s my husband or my parents. No one hurts him. And finally, after 40 years of dealing with depression/anxiety, I went on meds because he is my life. And living the way I was living wasn’t going to work if I wanted to be everything I could be for him as a parent.
So Time magazine, fuck you and you’re “are you mom enough”. I may not be a genius in a lot of things, but as a mom, I KNOW I am doing my best, make mistakes, but always—ALWAYS–the safety, health, and development for my son is #1 in my life. I know 1,000% that I AM mom enough. I may suck as a friend, wife, worker, but I know I am mom enough and the best I can be.
Like Rachel, I am not worried about how the child will feel about the photo of himself later unless his is kidnapped and raised by anti-breastfeeding fanatics. Breastfeeding is a perfectly normal thing for a three-year-old to do, as is any other healthy form of toddler nutrition. As a child who was breastfed as a toddler, and who was raised in a family where extended breastfeeding is considered normal, he is almost certain to at the very least appreciate that having a breast in one’s mouth at age three is not pathological or stigmatizing. So why should he feel embarrassed about his role in this photo?
I don’t really see ANDMom’s point here. Anybody who would judge a 3-year-old for being in a photo about a controversial issue is not being rational, and it’s hard to imagine that by age six or so he won’t look back at photos of his three-year-old self as being pretty foreign to his current identity. IF he grows up to become an anti-breastfeeding advocate (which I suppose is conceivable, in the same way that for example our children may grow up to think that IVF is evil and that therefore their own conception is a source of great shame), then he may not want to display this photo on his mantel, but even then, given his age,, it’s pretty clear that the photo isn’t really about HIM. At a later date, he may or may not feel proud of the way that his MOTHER (the real subject of the photo, as the caption makes clear) is portrayed in the cover image, but that is a separate issue, and any parent that chooses to put herself or himself into the limelight risks becoming a mild embarrassment to their child.
I forgot to say that I totally respect your decision not to post photos of your kids on the internet, Mel and can understand your concerns about this child in light of your feelings about your own kids. My comment was just intended to point out that if one is comfortable with the idea of photos of one’s child being displayed in public in general, then I think that photos of a child breastfeeding should not be considered potentially shaming any more than photos of a child eating any other type of healthy food.
What bothers me about the cover is that the boy doesn’t look like he is really breastfeeding. How can you really breastfeed, a very intimate connection, while being aware of being photographed like that? (vrs an infant that is too young). If you are going to show a mother breastfeeding her child, can you at least do it in a natural pose? No one breastfeeds this way!
The title of this article is such bullshit it barely rates discussing it. Are you mom enough…seriously? There are women out there who are ‘mom enough’ to give a child to other parents to raise because they believe that is what is truly best for their child, a completely selfless act if there ever was one.
And in answer to Rachel’s questions…you listed spontaneous photo ops. Children don’t like being staged for photographs, and the process is a grueling one, they never just snap the first pic and say “all set, go play.” I think that if are on the cover of a magazine where you are touting yourself as being the uber-attachment parent, shouldn’t your child at least look comfortable? If this picture had been taken in their home, with her boy bfeeding in an actual bfeeding environment, most of this controversy would go out the window.
I think my comfort zone is even smaller than yours with maybe the exception of E’s image on FB. But I’m REALLY picky about FB.