Revisiting: The Waiting
Kathy from Four of a Kind is holding a new blog hop/writing exercise, and the nostalgic side of me loves this idea: revisiting an old blog post that fits within the weekly theme and then giving the follow up story.
This week’s theme is “waiting,” so I plugged that term into the search bar on my left sidebar and worked backwards through old posts, starting with 2006 because I figured they would be the most interesting. I got to read again about my bag of McBlood, trying to find a doctor who would order the thrombophilia testing, and my addiction to pee sticks (and why we can’t keep them — or Oreos — in the house).
And then I found the perfect post for this.
Five years ago, I wrote about my friend’s breakup with her boyfriend of two years, talking about how we can transfer what we know about discussing a breakup with someone brokenhearted to discussing a pregnancy loss. Not that these two events are synonymous, but people often know the right thing (and the wrong thing) to say when someone tells them about a breakup, and sometimes, it’s very similar to the line of comforting and questioning that can be used during a pregnancy loss.
I wrote,
In relationships and infertility, it’s out of our control. We can only do so much to make it happen. And that’s very frustrating to a woman who has been taught that if she works hard enough, she’ll achieve whatever she wants.
And I still believe that, wondering if we do a disservice to girls by telling them they can achieve anything they want. We don’t tell boys this because it’s implicit in the world they inhabit. I can’t think of a time that I’ve heard a bunch of men debate whether or not they can “have it all.” But we tell girls this, and it’s a rude awakening when we discover that these elements of life that mean so much to us are essentially out of our control.
And I still like the language ideas presented at the end:
But right now she needs to mourn. And the best words we can give in the loss of a relationship: I’m so sorry; talk about it; do you want me to comment or just listen; talk about the good points; what did you learn from this–are also the ones we can use to help a person mourn a pregnancy loss: I’m so sorry; talk about it; do you want me to comment or just listen; tell me about how you felt while you were pregnant; how do you want to remember this loss; what did your RE learn from this. Instead of pushing them. Before they’re ready. To move on and try again.
My friend’s story has a happy continuation. They broke up and then got back together months later. They ended up getting married one day before the manuscript for Navigating the Land of If was due to the publisher. I was a bridesmaid in the wedding and I wore the turkey cutlet. They have since had a daughter who turned one this summer. When she was in the throes of that breakup, she would have never believed this blog post, five years later. But look at how things turned out for her.
13 comments
I remember that post. And i definitely remember the turkey cutlet episode. I’m glad it all worked out for them.
And I still like your analogy
I don’t think I was a regular reader five years ago (four years ago, definitely), but I most certainly remember the turkey cutlet story. Great idea from Kathy!
Ooh, I like this idea. And I especially like that you got to look back at this post, knowing how it turned out. Amazing to think.
Bea
Here via Time Warp… What a cool then and now story!
How interesting that your friend and her ex-boyfriend that you mentioned in that older post are now married with a child and that you were a bridesmaid in her wedding right before your manuscript for Navigating the Land of IF was due.
I especially like this part of your new post:
“And I still believe that, wondering if we do a disservice to girls by telling them they can achieve anything they want. We don’t tell boys this because it’s implicit in the world they inhabit. I can’t think of a time that I’ve heard a bunch of men debate whether or not they can “have it all.” But we tell girls this, and it’s a rude awakening when we discover that these elements of life that mean so much to us are essentially out of our control.”
I know that my mom and other female role models in my life growing up meant well in teaching me that if I worked hard and tried my best that anything was possible. I think it is fascinating that our generation of women and mothers has realized that most of us are not able to “have it all,” at least not all at once.
I definitely want to try to teach my daughter that working hard and trying to do your best is very important, but that doesn’t mean she will be able to achieve everything that she wants, hopes and dreams of in life. As you said in both of your posts, there is still so much that is out of our control when it comes to meeting someone we want to share our lives and hopefully be able to build and raise a family with.
As an aside, it comes as no surprise to me that you have very loyal readers, but how cool that Loribeth from The Road Less Traveled commented on your post five years ago and the one you wrote today!!! I am assuming that was her, but that back then she didn’t comment as Loribeth.
Thanks again for “doing the Time Warp” with me and others today! I appreciate your comment on my new post and look forward to continuing to follow and participate in the discussion on other’s posts about “waiting” this week.
@ Kathy: I did??? I guess I must have been lurking then after all… although I didn’t have my own blog & Blogger username until four years ago. Off to look…!
Here from Time Warp (and my reader!). What a great set of posts. I too have written about my bitterness towards that message, that we can have whatever we want if we work towards it. I struggled so much with the fact that it was a bald faced lie, especially when I was struggling with TTC and after my loss. For the first time in my life the effort I expended did not guarantee the desired outcome. I was despondent (and I was realizing how privileged I’d always been to have had that experience so consistently in my life, but that is for another post – although it begs the question, are girls of minority background taught the same things by their mothers, or are they taught that it’s a load of garbage that white, middle class teachers feed them).
Anyway, back from my tangent… I wonder what I will teach my own daughter, maybe that she can work for some thing but others are out of her control? I guess I’ll have to figure it out some day. I hope I know what to say.
I love this idea. And I think you chose the perfect post to revisit. I love knowing that this story had such a happy ending.
Loribeth – So? Was that you? I suppose someone else could have had a username “the road less traveled.” But I immediately thought of you when I saw the comment! 🙂
Esperanza – I really dove into this issue that Mel write about, the working hard and not getting want we want one, when I was in therapy 5 years ago. My therapist talked about how struggling w/ IF is like applying for jobs that believe you have all the skills you need for and are possibly even over qualified to do. However, time after time you do not get chosen for the job and you keep seeing so many others around you getting selected for the same or similar jobs and they don’t seem nearly as qualified as you are. Anyway, there are some many analogies to be made about this topic. I also appreciate the question you pose about women and girls with minority backgrounds. I would love to know what many of them are taught, like you said. Interesting…. Thanks again for “doing the Time Warp” with us this week! 🙂
Aw. I love the happy ending too. I think romantic heartbreak is a good analogy to the heartbreak of infertility. We can’t control someone else’s decision about whether we’re worthy of being with them. Just like we can’t control if we are fertile.
On the topic of loser exes:
I distinctly remember you mentioning an ex who “had a heart the size of a rancid sesame seed”, which cracked me up. I dated a guy who had
the same issue, but never had I quite heard such a perfect description.
@ Kathy — I checked & it wasn’t me — I know there are a few blogs out there with the same name as mine, & I definitely didn’t have my blog at that point — although I might have left a message as “loribeth.” ; )
First, it’s interesting to see how you’ve matured as a writer.
Second, I like your analogy. Although, in my family, it’s customary at a break-up to tell people how it’s not as bad as you think it is. I distinctly remember my aunt telling me “Men are like streetcars. Another one will be along in a minute or two” when my college boyfriend broke up with me. And she would know – she had a most interesting dating life, and ended up never having married. I don’t think she would have had the same reaction to my miscarriage, though.
As to telling girls they can have everything they want…well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, as long as you tell them that they have to choose what they want carefully, and they need to prioritize their wants – that’s realistic. Men can’t have everything any more than women can, but they seem to have more realistic expectations, and (generally) a support system to pick up the slack for those things they don’t prioritize. I guess that’s what’s more important to tell your children…don’t have unrealistic expectations about life. Follow your dreams but take care of your responsibilities.
The McBlood post kinda freaks me out. Blood:Lori as Crickets:Mel.
Ok, I’ve read your referenced post and have Time Warped back 🙂 I’m glad that things worked out for your friend.
“And I still believe that, wondering if we do a disservice to girls by telling them they can achieve anything they want. We don’t tell boys this because it’s implicit in the world they inhabit.”
Um, this needs to be its own separate post. Meritocracy is a lie.