Honesty
I want to write, and I have nothing to say. I have dozens of drafts in my draft folder, but like those moments before a party where you feel like you have nothing to wear despite a closet full of clothes, none of those posts fit at the moment. I am feeling particularly cat-like, as if I need to rub my cheek on something.
I could tell you about how I’m making a Smith Island cake at the moment and alternating between taking layers out of the oven and writing this, but that seems boring. You’ve heard me talk about this damn cake a hundred times. Still, each time I make one, I get the same rush of calm, as if I am plugging into the pulse of a past life. I wish I could sit all of you down at a table and serve you a slice.
I could tell you that my parents were right: friends do come and go, but your siblings (and I would argue those you choose as fictive kin–my sisters-by-choice) are forever. They will know you your whole life, and might even know every incarnation of you. I could tell you how my three siblings (since I consider my brother-in-law to be like a brother) always save the day. But those stories aren’t really mine to tell and I could never put into words how much I love them.
I could tell you about how we spent the day geocaching and found nothing and it didn’t bother us. That it’s obviously more exciting to actually find the cache and sign your name in the logbook, but today, we trekked through forest, trying to remember the satellite view from Bing maps, arguing out the various possibilities and helping the twins over fallen logs. My brother would race ahead of us, trying to scout out the area. The ChickieNob carried the compass. The Wolvog lovingly mused about one day owning a GPS.
Josh asked me why I love geocaching so much and it’s because someone else has unconditionally provided us with an adventure–without knowing us or thinking we’re worthy. They simply created this piece of the game because they are kind and want others to join in the experience. I love the idea that we’ve walked past caches a thousand times, never knowing how close we were. And how others are now walking by us, not knowing that we’re on this grand adventure. I like being a part of something so enormous. I love the nicknames we chose for each other and my geo-letter-waying notebook. I even like the little first-aid kit we created to leave at the bottom of our backpack.
I really have nothing to say, but I have been in a mood for weeks and I’d like company. My friend said it best tonight when she admitted that she was simply done and looking forward to becoming a hermit for a few months.
Some time periods can feel like a cocooning, one where you hopefully emerge a butterfly rather than remaining dormant in a chrysalis indefinitely. The problem, of course, is that you can’t control when you emerge–that you need to sit dormant and wait for nature to give you a push. It’s a bit like those fingercuffs–the harder you pull, the more stuck you get. It is always best to let go and trust that the cocoon will be shed. But it is obviously easier to talk about it than to put that into action. Patience is rarely there when you need her.
While it would sound vaguely dirty to use the eternal conversation-starter by asking what you’re wearing (me: mustard yellow sweatpants and a black t-shirt if you do feel like telling), it is wholesomely bloggy to ask: what are you doing? By which I mean, before you sat down to read blogs.
55 comments
I love letterboxing, but I feel slightly embarrassed because my husband and I created a bunch of them around Maryland right before the Tongginator came home. And then… yeah… the transition wasn’t very easy. So other people eventually took over our boxes because we were so lame, we couldn’t keep them up. Oops.
As to what I am doing right now… still recovering from a two-week illness, but oh-so-happy to be on the mend.
I think the idea of geocaching is cool… the whole treasure hunt aspect of it.
Right now, I’m decompressing. Today was a hectic day at work. Not that we had a lot of customers, but it was my last day before being off for a week and I had a ton of stuff to get done. Now I’m off, and I’m trying to relax and not stress about that email I forgot to send.
Geocaching is neat, but its one of those things my friends do and I never seem to make time to.
I spent my day making a cake and blowing up balloons.
Spent my day doing errands with each child separately–Willow went with me grocery shopping, while dad went with Michael to karate and a guy talk about some teasing he has received at school–trying to get into our soon-teenaged son’s mind; and then later, as my husband laid down for a nap with our daughter, I took Michael out for a new summer wardrobe, as he has outgrown 90% of his clothes from last summer…then later I went to a Pampered Chef without family….so, a kinda disjointed Saturday without my husband and whole family time…going to make that up tomorrow–going to a Ren Faire in the morning!
I have been a funk lately. Things in my life and just a feeling of aloneness and sadness and time moving forward. Hopefully summer will wash away some of that feeling…
It’s 1.29pm here on a chilly sunny Sunday. I just watched the film Young Victoria while Rocco was asleep …. realising at the age of 38 that I *love* period piece films. Who knew? I’m wearing my black Adidas tracksuit that Dave gave me for mothers day, for the fifth day in a row. It doesn’t stink yet. I’m wondering how much a GPS is and if I could post one to the Wolvog. And I am imagining how good your cake must smell cooking away in your oven.
XOX
I love the idea of Geocaching, although I have no time for it now. Perhaps when we do have children and they are older it will something we could enjoy doing as a family.
For once in a very long, long, long time I spent the day doing nothing. I mean nothing. I watched TV, took a two hour nap, sat on the couch, and did nothing. I shoved away my OCD tendencies for the day that never allow me to follow relax. The ones that keep saying you have this to do and that to do. I feel very peaceful at this moment and am so glad I took the day for myself.
Um… just ‘cuz I feel like telling, a grey, striped, ridiculously comfortable and, um, well worn (see: stained) nightgown, lol.
Before sitting down the troll blogs, I spent my day working on cleaning out our attic. Which is my own personal hell. There’s still stuff up there from the previous owner that we never cleared out- because after SIX DUMPSTERS, we just couldn’t do any more- and are only gettong to now, 5 years later, because we need the storage to prepare for income fosters. And then, I took a well deserved bath and read and entire book. And it was delightful.
I really want to try geocaching, but the Hubs isn’t as gung-ho (he’s more of a “dear god, stay ON the TRAIL” kind of guy), and it doesn’t seem that much fun by yourself 8-/
…..just finished my breakfast, and the whole fun of the stuff that I swallow post-breakfast!
🙂
I spent the day with a friend who has been there through thick and then.
And then, by some beauty of the world, I reconnected with friends that I thought I’d lost. Who had said that they were no longer friends. Tonight was a beautiful night.
I just tucked one of my little guys in bed and am listening to my husband finish up reading “Goodnight Moon” to my second son. I am wearing my green and yellow striped pj bottoms, one of my husband’s t-shirts, and his sweatshirt. (What can I say, I like to wear his super large clothes!)
I was also thinking to myself that I needed to go find out what this geocaching thing is because I have never heard of it. 🙂
Hugs, Mel. Hope you are able to emerge from your cacoon as a beautiful butterfly soon. I have been in a funk lately, too. I want to write…I need to write, but I am having a hard time finding the words to describe the jumble of thoughts I’ve got running through my mind.
I love normal everyday posts just as much Mel!! 🙂
I am currently wearing a white sparkly t-shirt and some comfy gaucho pants. ahhh.
I spent the day with my friends while waiting for my husband to recover from his TESE/Biopsy. I met some new friends and learned they are also going through IF- I shared your blog, and I hope she finds it.
We grilled out tonight and had birthday cake. Yummo!
I also meant to add that we geocache also, and I LOVE IT! I use an application on my Droid. 😉
Just finished hosting my turn for my “Circle of Friends”. This month, we dressed in our jammies, ate homemade pizza and caesar salad, then Ice cream sundaes and played Spoons. And laughed. Alot. Now I must stop reading blogs and finish the dishes. Hope you have a blessed night.
As the day has now moved into Sunday, I have finally sat down at the laptop to design the lettering for the top of a Bat Mitzvah cake that has kept me occupied all day Saturday (delivery is later this afternoon) having just wished my DH a Happy Birthday. The cake has helped me take my mind off the how the actions of someone else can have a major impact on us being able to do our final FET. My last post is about that.
I intend to make one of those Smith Cakes one day. 🙂 The Bat Mitzvah cake will be posted on Facebook later today.
Before checking the blogs, DH and I engaged in our Saturday tradition – slept in, went to the movies (Robin Hood) and dinner at Qdoba (yummy).
I’ve heard of geocaching, but never really understood what it about. It seems like fun.
I spent the day yearning for my cocoon. Task after task, obligation after obligation, and I have just finally sat down at 11:24 p.m. after making a list of everything I have to do tomorrow. Joyfully drinking a beer and reading my favorite blogs.
I spent all day in my yard, then I visited with 2 neighbours. We discussed school closures and the new neighbour (in a nice way, not a gossipy way.) I sat in my back yard and waited for the solar lights to come on, then I came upstairs and wrote my monthly gardening column for the day. I’m going to have a snack and go to bed.
Wearing: Pj’s. Cotton. Leopard spotted bottoms, and a black top with a kitty that says Just Purr-fect. They’re a matching set.
Doing? Well, I’m simultaneously Facebooking and looking things up on a Wiki for the husband. We’re sitting in the back room, just chilling because we’re both utterly exhausted. He’s playing Fallout 3, and I look up where stuff is for him. It allows me to be with him, on the laptop, and involved in what he’s doing by being helpful.
I just fed the baby. The sun is not yet up, but the birds are making a delightful racket, and cool air is floating in through the window. It’s so peaceful at this early hour. The baby slept through the night (yay!), but didn’t eat quite enough before falling asleep again, so now I need to get up and pump (blech!). I spent yesterday doing the opposite of coccooning-I cleaned out box after box in the basement, in preparation for our move. It was surprisingly liberating. The clutter down there has been bugging me for forever, but I haven’t been able to motivate myself until now.
I am intrgued by geocaching, and can’t wait to try it.
I just fed the baby. The sun is not yet up, but the birds are making a delightful racket and cool air is floating in through the open window. It’s such a peaceful time of day.
I spent yesterday shedding my past. It was incredibly liberating to empty out box after box from my basement in preparation for our upcoming move, and I’m pleased to report that my trash and “yard sale” piles are exponentially larger than my “keep” pile. As an added bonus, I found some hilarious pic’s of me from the late 80’s, big hair and all.
I’ve tried to comment twice, and it looks like it keeps rejecting me. Anyway, I’m here reading!
A white skirt and a pink top, both of which are covered in paint, since I’m planning to do some art journalling next, after I’ve read blogs.
I would love some Smith Island cake, btw 🙂
Pajamas, by which I mean a great big T-shirt.
I couldn’t sleep…again….so I got up at 5 in the morning, made coffee, and watched Law and Order reruns. God I’m boring.
Right this second I’m sitting in a hotel room in the almost-dark reading blogs and feeding babies. Just finished feeding one baby and I’m burping her while typing, and hoping that the other baby will wait one more minute to eat.
I hope that your funk soon turns into the other kind of funk, the one with jammin’ basslines and hands waved in the air.
I’m wearing pyjama bottoms with hearts on them, a last summer t-shirt that is the same color of these hearts so it was converted to pyjama top these past few days and a mauve vest and slippers. Before I sat to read this blog, I folded laundry, rinsed again the pan in which I cooked chicken last night and waited for my boyfriend to make my coffee (he always makes my coffee as an act of love).
i have been feeling that exact same way lately. i want to say so many things, but i have nothing really to say. drafts where usually i finish a post in the same sitting when i started it.
i am going on a date today. hubby and i do not get nearly enough alone-time. we have two willing sets of grandparents who each live an hour way and love to babysit, but our lives have just gotten so busy. don’t get me wrong–i love it and it is exactly the life i dreamed of and never, ever believed we would have. but i am looking forward to our date today. we are going to see iron man 2. i am drinking coffee and wearing my pajamas which are in need of a wash, as am i.
My cocoon was created by my sons’ fragile health. They are medically fragile and when they are sick, I am sick, or, conversely, when they are sick, I am an exhausted, lack of sleep mess of a mess. I went 5 mos without blogging due to their and my being ill. Locked the blog down. I guess if you have nothing good to say, don’t say it at all. That is why I locked it down and stopped writing for 5 whole months.
It seemed like an eternity but I don’t want the boys to remember the months and months of eternal illness and pain if they ever go back over my blog, years hence, and see how hard I “worked it”. I don’t want them to remember, they way I remember my cancer and having overcome huge burdens of pain and obstacles placed (motherhood, delayed a decade) in my path… overcome… I want them only to remember the good days and ways.
Today I am cooking. I am making homemade pasta sauce, chicken, and a bunch of other stuff to last the week. I do a really tough dance of trying to feed 3 men (my little men, when healthy, eat the same amount of food as the DH) and juggle medical appointments for them and me. So one day a week, or two, I make food for an army.
I am sitting here listening to the DH giving the boys a bath while I prepare meals for a week. Since the Duo have a plethora of medical appointments this week, there’s a lot of food to prepare.
That’s basically what I do in my “spare time”. The spare time is really very spare. I try and sleep in my real spare time. I went to bed last night at 7:30, when the Duo went down. Exhausted after a week of dealing with their fragile health and juggling meds that didn’t work.
When you see Guest Bloggers or CoBloggers you just know I’m having it rough with their, or my, or both our health.
Glowing. Katherine let me sleep in until 7 today! 7! 7! 7! I can’t tell you how long it is been since I slept in until 7! I feel like a new woman. AND, I got the bleeding to stop by stopping and restarting my birth control pills (again).
Just enjoying a cup of coffee and hoping to find the strength to gear up for another day of adventures with the toddler. I adore her and wish that I could keep up, but honestly I’m not feeling up to it these days and that makes me feel terribly guilty (because I should be a better more energetic mom, because I should be enjoying every moment of this pregnancy, etc. etc.). I’m feeling rather grumbly and out of sort these days and feel like I shouldn’t have any reason to be this way, but that’s just how it is I guess.
Oh, and “North of Beautiful” by Justina Chen Headley was my introduction to geocaching. I’m looking forward to making it a family activity one day!
On this Sunday morning, I am wearing blue plaid jammy pants, a bright pink tank and an army green hoodie and slippers.
I am sitting at the dining room table eating organic yogurt with raspberries and walnuts and feeling guilty for the coffee I drank earlier.
I’ve spent the weekend walking thd dog, bathing the cat, seeing The Teenager off on a school trip to NYC, and later this morning will go see my RE and give him a couple grand for meds. Then I’m off to pay an energy healer $70 to do his thing on my ovaries. Then I shall blog about it.
Your cake sounds delish, Mel, and thank you for introducing me to the idea of geocaching – I’d never heard of it before!
Sending you hugs.
Love,
Maddy
Vacuuming. And I pulled out the baby’s stage (an old shelf that she stands on on the floor) and the Wii Fit and she is standing on both of them and running her toy stroller over them. Occasionally she comes by to put her foot on my foot. And I am wearing jeans and a green “perfect fit” t-shirt from Old Navy.
Green shirt, navy sweatpants, Zofran pump (going to start weaning off tomorrow!)
I think the weather right now is making us cat-like. It’s hot or it’s rainy and all you want to do is just lay around.
I’m mobile now and haven’t started regularly going back to work yet, so let me know if you want to hang out. We can go to Pottery Barn and nap on their beds. 🙂
Mmmmm….Smith Island Cake…..mmmmmm….
Ahem.
Getting ready for yoga. Feeding the kids breakfast. Worrying about a friend who is in the really icky part of a divorce. Musing on kiddie birthday parties.
Black yoga pants & shirt. Surprise!
Siblings — the ones you grow up with and the ones you meet later — are awesome.
Just cleaned 2/3 of the kitchen after making DH chocolate chip waffles with store-bought whipped cream for breakfast (it needed it long before the waffles). I’m wearing a comfortably old t-shirt and some black knit shorts now covered in white cat hair. And I’m contemplating how much more of the 1st floor needs to be hit with cleaning products before the Bunco group comes on Wednesday. I really could use a Rosie (from the Jetsons).
Let’s see, I’m still wearing the white on white striped pjs from yesterday while I wait for Shannon to get home from the gym and help me take a shower. Last night was a rough night with the incision hurting from the new types of activity associated with being on home bedrest instead of hospital bedrest. I may take a nap!
As for what I’m doing, I’m lying on the couch with the cat. I’ve dome two crossword puzzles, and I’m celebrating having made it to 25 weeks with no problems since getting the rescue cerclage. In a little bit we will be having a delayed 16th b-day party for my stepson.
I’ve been in that same sort of mood but can’t just cocoon myself because we crazily decided to put our house on the market and move. So mr H and I have spent the day fighting and packing and rearranging when what I really need to do is curl up somewhere and let myself veg. Too many thoughts whirling in my head that need to find a way out
I was weeding the garden — or trying to while keeping a monitor in my pocket while Z slept…until a HUGE cloud of crows made such a cacophony I was sure they woke her –and everyone in the neighborhood went to investigate our neighbors tree where there were two baby great horned owls who nested down the street earlier in the spring…then Z woke up and G and W and eating ‘hot dogs and noodles’ Z is in her bouncer and I am at the kitchen island reading your blog. I know I don’t post often but I have to say that just today on my morning walk I was thinking how grateful I am to you — and just how many people you’ve helped immeasurably with your blog and book.
XO
Pam
I’m wearing shorts and a cool t from Whalebone Surf Shop.
As for what I’m doing today, as little as possible. I’ve had a remarkably unproductive day and I’m happy with it. My only goals for today are cooking dinner, baking a little, and reading. Yesterday was my bust weekend day, I mowed the front and back lawn, I did a buttload of dishes, a did 5 loads of laundry, I fixed a seam on my fitted sheet and remade our bed, and I cooked dinner.
Red sweatpants, brown t-shirt….doesn’t match at all but that is okay with me on a Sunday!
Today I have been taking it easy. I did stain some more of our back deck this morning. Then I took a nice long nap, did a little laundry, and I am now gearing up to go grocery shopping. Pretty much a great lazy Sunday!
I’m still in my PJs…I’ve spent my Sunday catching up on work but that’s okay since I got to stay in my PJs & have movies on too…now back to it 🙂
Well, I was sitting here writing a paper about the importance of Transcultural nursing to Hispanic societies (fascinating, I know)…but then I started gazing out the window. I was daydreaming about moving away and having some peace. THEN, this funny looking blue bird landed on the tree. I knew it wasn’t a blue jay, so I wondered if it was an Indigo Bunting. Because, I know nothing about birds. THEN…oh yes, then!, I thought I should write—but have nothing to say. So I thought about writing about Mrs DeMarco, our old lady neighbor who smoked cigars and her husband left her when she was 87…but that makes no sense to anyone but us.
So, I read you instead.
Sigh.
Wearing: navy blue scrub pants circa 2003. IWU tshirt, provided with acceptance letter. No shower. I’m a sight to behold.
Geocaching sounds like fun. Sort of a combination mystery to solve/treasure hunt.
I WAS wearing capris & sandals for the first time this season (yay!!) but have since changed into yoga pants & a big T-shirt from my last trip to Cannon Beach. We went to see a new (Canadian) movie this afternoon called “The Trotsky” which was quite funny — lots of familiar faces (at least to Canadians — although I think Americans would recognize the star, Jay Baruchel, by face if not by name). Then to Chapters for a browse & the first Starbucks frappucino this season (and maybe the last — I couldn’t believe that two tall mocha frappucinos cost almost NINE BUCKS!!!). And then home to make a casserole & pop it in the oven. And then to the computer. : )
I have been in a bit of a funk lately too. Many, many changes at work recently, with more to come. Just a few more days & then I’m off to visit my parents for a week. I’m hoping that will relax me & cheer me up.
My mom calls the mood you’re in “sacred ground”. It’s not much fun to be there, but something amazing usually happens as a result of the time you spend scratching at the walls of your chrysalis.
I would break all my self-imposed naturopathic food restrictions to eat a giant slab of Smith Island cake. And I know it would be worth it.
Right now I’m lying down with Charlie while he naps and thinking about food – adding in more good fats to my own diet, how to eat more organic food without financial ruin, baby-led weaning, and how I want to eat a whole pint of coconut milk ice cream. I stink like sunscreen cause we went for a walk earlier and it is just pure UV out there today – not a speck of cloud and beautifully hot.
I just threw a giant party for my son’s 7th birthday. I don’t do giant parties, but for him I did it just this once.
He loved it, but now I am physically and mentally drained. I need an extra weekend day to recover.
Sorry you’re feeling low.
I’m wearing a tank top and undies. Ya know, maternity tanks are great for sleeping in post baby. Comfy and longer that regular tank tops.
We had a busy day. Took the subway into Manhattan with the stroller and had brunch with my BFF and her 18 month old DE son. The girl only had a cat nap this afternoon, so she was really keyed up this evening. I nursed her to sleep twice, but she woke up as soon as I put her down. Finally, since she was so determined to laugh and chatter, I gave her a toy and let her amuse herself until she passed out. I microwaved some grilled chicken and risotto from Traders for my dinner. After I ate, I prepped the girl’s bottles for daycare for tomorrow and picked out her clothes for the morning. (I have no idea what I’ll wear.) Now I’m contemplating the cut up pineapple in the fridge and the Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer. But I’d rather have a slice of your cake.
It’s good to indulge yourself in moping for a period of time – as long as it eventually gets boring and you move out of the funk.
I’m wearing…my pajamas. Which is different from my regular clothes in that my pants are stretchy instead of jeans.
Today, I recovered from the girls’ night out I had last night by getting up at 6:30 with my daughter, watching movies with her, preparing lunch for my in-laws, watching a movie with the in-laws, going for walks, and helping my husband put stuff on eBay. Best part of my day? My daughter and I were walking down the street when some of my neighbors came out to go for a walk. My daughter saw them and said “No. They need to go back inside. See those dark clouds? That means it’s going to rain. They have to go in.” I asked her if she needed to go in, and she said yes (sort of). So, then I talked to my neighbors for a couple minutes and they went off on their walk. About 10 minutes later, a nice steady spring rain came out of nowhere to drench us all. I guess we should have listened to her! Perhaps I have a budding meteorologist on my hands…
Dreading having to take my car in for the 3rd time for brake repair…I have to get all cranky with them. 🙁
Well, little butterfly, I ho9pe you escape from the cocoon soon!
Doing before reading blogs? Making and eating dinner. Prior to that? Playing computer games.
Wearing? Jeans and a purple t-shirt
I really want to give geochaching a try! I was telling The Hubs about it yesterday and it really is up our alley, so I think we may give it a try this summer.
love the cocoon reference and the fingercuff metaphor.
it’s midnight and time for me to go to bed, but I just prepped some carrots and walnuts for my very first carrot cake ever. yes, using the king arthur recipe. I was so excited to find the organic line at my market!
and I’m wearing black cotton sleepy pants and a very old ratty grey t-shirt. but my feet are cold and I need some socks.
I was cooking my husband dinner – something that only happens roughly once a week. Camembert-stuffed organic chicken breast wrapped in prosciutto, to be served with broccolini drizzled in balsamic. Hmmm….