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Still in the Building

I am further embarrassed to admit that despite the advice that is actually sinking in, I still spent today in the building after pretending that I was on my way to do research for an article. Instead I cried in the bathroom until the hallway was empty and then slipped back down to a lesser-used wing of the building to my library space. I lied to the other parents, lied to the twins. I am a big, filthy, pathetic liar.

I really don’t want to be this person.

But the only way I can describe it is that I feel completely unable. In the same way that I feel unable to make myself jump from the high dive. Intellectually, I know I could do it. But I can’t seem to be able to will my body to take either plunge.

And, forgive me, September 11th just doesn’t feel the correct day to push this issue.

I have decided to print out all of the advice, find a quiet space Thursday night, and meditate on each suggestion until something clicks. And putting something (at least a small step) into action on Friday. You’ll hear how it goes with the roundup. And since I can already tell that multiple suggestions are coming together to form one plan, I am placing all names in a hat and randomly choosing the winner. Just so you know that you weren’t the most brilliant, but simply, the most randomly lucky. Now I must think up the prize by Friday.

If you were not already aware, Bridges is running a post about September 11th every half hour from midnight (in other words, a half hour from now) until 11:59 p.m. on September 11th. They are heartbreaking and gorgeous and emotional and gut-wrenching. Hopefully, you will feel move to leave your own thoughts on September 11th in the individual comment sections.


1 Topcat { 09.11.08 at 4:34 am }

Oh Mel. You beautiful, beautiful, open, vulnerable, honest woman.

I had a dream about you last night … and I only just now read your post of yesterday.

I dreamt you worked in a shop, and I was looking at you, and you had glasses on, and you were giving me a card. I realised it was you, and I said “Lollipop! With Hildes boots!”

And you smiled and nodded.

One day, you will leave the building. One day. There is absoltely no rush, you know.


2 Elizabeth { 09.11.08 at 5:11 am }

Mel, can you take a friend with you to drop off the twins? A friend who will hold your hand and walk out of the building with you?

3 LJ { 09.11.08 at 5:18 am }

I think I know someone who would be up for holding your hand at school…

4 Kristin { 09.11.08 at 5:25 am }

I agree. September 11th does not seem the day to make any major changes.

Do you remember the fish Dori from Finding Nemo? Her mantra was “Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming” over and over again. Well, yours is “Just keep trying!” Don’t beat yourself up over this.

5 Jendeis { 09.11.08 at 5:44 am }

Oh, honey. I love you. Would it help to schedule a breakfast or coffee right after you drop off the twins? I know a few women who’d gladly skip work to meet you for food and coffee. 🙂

6 Tash { 09.11.08 at 6:24 am }

Breathe with it, Mel. And don’t kid yourself, it’s “work” leaving them there. Harder than research, harder than writing a book. Like anything, it will come with time and practice.

Just me, but sometimes I find admitting this to someone is an enormous relief. Is there a fellow parent you could confess to? I know I would’ve wound up in my director’s office in similar circumstances, and she most likely would’ve made me a cup of tea and told me about her children.

7 A.M.S. { 09.11.08 at 8:01 am }

I sent you an email.

I’ve got your rock from the Valley of Fire here, all packed up and ready to send. It’s not much, but I though maybe having a little something to look forward to would ease your heart a bit.

Much love.

8 Sunny { 09.11.08 at 8:52 am }

You are so precious. Here is my advice… leave a little bit and come back. Go have coffee or run an errand. Each day make it longer until you are finally away. OR ask if you can volunteer NOT in their room but somewhere else. Reshelving books or something. BUT I would try to do my first idea. Start thinking about YOU and the time you need to yourself. Make mini little dates with people.


9 MrsSpock { 09.11.08 at 9:29 am }

Tomorrow is another day…

10 Jen { 09.11.08 at 10:12 am }

No rush. Take your time, it isn’t hurting anyone or anything for you to stay there as long as you need to.

I vote that you are not a liar, as you wrote about this and therefore were doing research on an article.

11 loribeth { 09.11.08 at 2:17 pm }

No kids, no assvice to offer beyond what’s already been said. Just wanting to offer some cyber(((hugs))).

12 Io { 09.11.08 at 3:10 pm }

Oh sweetie. I hope (seeing as how it is 5:16pm) that you have managed to leave by now…
Good luck leaving tomorrow.

13 More Beans Please { 09.11.08 at 6:30 pm }

I think you should stay. Fuck it – just stay. Don’t worry so much about errands and work and life. Considering what you went through to conceive and birth and parent – if you want to stay – just stay. I completely understand. You’ll leave when you are ready, when you need to, or when security escorts you. Eventually it will happen, eventually your feet will take your mind and heart outside – but until then relax and enjoy the library.

14 Bea { 09.13.08 at 6:57 pm }

Two things: struggling, yes, should be used where there is some kind of struggle.

And… I hope you get out of the building at some stage, but slowly and gently does it. No rush, eh? Or are you out of toilet paper?


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