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A Heavy Heart

I don’t really know how to begin this post.

I’ve started it twenty different ways in my head and none sound quite right.

AMS from Our Own Creation gave birth on Thursday to her twins, Zoe Harper and Lennox Maximilian, at a little over 24 weeks gestation. Lennox died on Saturday in his mother’s arms while holding his father’s finger. I don’t think the word heartbroken can truly sum up where this family is right now.

She turned off her comments on her blog but she gave me permission to collect letters from you–emails to read at a later date when she is ready. I would like to actually collect two types of messages–those for AMS and her husband and those directed at Lennox for Zoe to read when she is older. She has, as AMS writes, lost her first friend.

I think one of the most difficult parts of neonatal death and pregnancy loss in general is that people don’t hold hundreds of memories of the person you are missing. You knew your child–you felt your child or sensed your child and loved your child. But unlike an adult who has held his own relationships with others, your child is remembered solely through you. And that is a very heavy burden to carry–a small group of people: a mother, a father, grandparents, aunts, and uncles–being the only ones who remember that a person was really here. Was really loved.

Therefore, I am going to ask you a favour. Help them carry that burden by writing your letter to AMS but also writing your memories of Lennox in-utero and all of the excitement his parents felt and all they went through to conceive him. I think this could be helpful for Zoe later on and for AMS and her husband now. To know that there are other people out there–even if they are not people they intimately know–who are helping carry this memory. Personally, I think this is a small thing we can do for each other–for fellow bloggers who share a huge part of their heart online–whenever there is a deep loss. We can help them carry a memory.

If it’s a brief note, you can leave a comment on this post. It would be inappropriate to offer advice or any cheering up–they simply need support right now. They are in the moment with Zoe and Lennox–their concentration today is not on the future. If you have a longer note or a private note (that you don’t mind me seeing), email it to me. I will compile all the messages and send them along to her since comments are turned off of her blog at this time.

Thank you in advance for stepping in and helping my friend and your friend, AMS. There is no way to make this any easier for them. Words lack the ability to change time and events. But barring the ability to hug her right now, I want her to know that the world is thinking of them: AMS, her husband, Zoe, and Lennox.


1 Sunny { 01.06.08 at 7:50 pm }

My heart is so heavy too. Reading her post broke my heart. I pictured the little finger. That moment will be etched in their minds forever.

What a priceless memory. NEVER forget that little finger. I won’t forget your words that gave me the mental imagine of your little one.

I wish I had words of healing, but there are no words that could even begin to touch the pain. Instead I bring hugs and prayers of peace.

2 sky girl { 01.06.08 at 7:57 pm }

I don’t know AMS but her story broke my heart. Please let her know that there are complete strangers out here thinking of her and her family.

3 Erin { 01.06.08 at 8:33 pm }

I am in tears now at the image of her brave little son holding his daddy’s finger while falling asleep in his mama’s arms. Please tell her that we are thinking of her family during this time, and keeping Zoe in our prayers as well.

4 Searching { 01.06.08 at 9:16 pm }

AMS, I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Lennox. I’m in tears thinking of your heartwrenching pain and intense love you must feel all at once. I’m so sorry for this difficult journey. Zoe has my many prayers, as do you and your husband.

5 imagesbyjeri { 01.06.08 at 9:48 pm }

Mine is on my blog.

6 K77 { 01.06.08 at 10:24 pm }

I am just so incredibly sorry.

7 orodemniades { 01.06.08 at 11:14 pm }

I apologize for any spelling errors, it’s hard to see through the tears.

Oh, my sincerest condolences. They seem so inadequate. I’ll light a candle for Zoe.

8 Heather { 01.06.08 at 11:54 pm }

I’m so sorry.

I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

9 Michell { 01.07.08 at 1:42 am }

I only knew a little bit of their story. I had started reading a week or so ago when you posted about her bedrest. When I read the her post today about this I cried for her and her family and for Zoe. I am so very sorry for their loss and my prayers will be with them.

10 Drowned Girl { 01.07.08 at 2:03 am }

They are much in my thoughts. We discovered we were pregnant about the same time, and I created a section in my blog reader just for a small handful of bloggers at the same stage as me.

Then they, like me, found they were carrying twins, later, boy/girl twins.

I was dismayed as AMS’ waters went and watched her bravely comply with strict bedrest. Things seemed to be goingas well as you could expect, then after a gap of a few days blogging -such devastating news.

My B/G twins are just a few days ahead in gestation, and I will ALWAYS think of them when I (hopefully) see mine and we reach the milestones that Lennox, sadly, will not.

My deepest sympathies go to them all.

11 Caro { 01.07.08 at 4:33 am }

Just so very sorry.

(thanks for doing this Mel)

12 Rebecca { 01.07.08 at 4:41 am }

I don’t AMS but reading her story was heartbreaking. I hope that she and her family are okay, eventually, and that they know that we are all thinking of them and Lennox and Zoe especially.

13 Kathy V { 01.07.08 at 7:33 am }

I am happy for you that Zoe is doing well but so sad for your loss of Lennox. my heart breaks for you and your family. We will be thinking about you in the days to come. So, so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express what I feel for you.

14 serenity { 01.07.08 at 8:09 am }

I don’t know AMS either, but her story made me cry; the image of Lennox holding his father’s finger as he went to sleep… I can barely see to type through my tears.

I am so sorry for your loss.


15 Tina { 01.07.08 at 9:21 am }

I am so, so sorry for AMS and her family… I will write something when I can find as close to the right words as possible…

Until then, I must second your comment about how hard that burden is to be one of the only people to ever remember that very small child lost, that no one else will ever remember except for me and DH and close family who have it in their hearts to remember with us. It is a very hard cross to carry in life – it is only through us, the select few, who bring a soul to my babies lost so early. It is not easy…but something I could never leave behind and let falter.

16 lifefromhere { 01.07.08 at 10:37 am }

my heart is so heavy for AMS and her family, her post brought me to tears. there are no words. I will try to convey what I can in a message. and I will light a candle for zoe and lennox. mel, thanks so much for doing this. ~luna

17 Anonymous { 01.07.08 at 12:05 pm }

Bearing witness.

I am so sorry for your loss.

18 cmstovall { 01.07.08 at 12:27 pm }

I can’t imagine the sorrow they must be going through and can only say that I am so, so sorry. AMS and her family will be in my prayers.

19 katd { 01.07.08 at 12:45 pm }

My heart is so heavy at this news. I have a mental picture burned into my mind of that tiny finger holding onto his daddy. I am praying with all my heart for this family and sending hugs and deepest sympathy for their loss.

20 noswimmers { 01.07.08 at 12:46 pm }

My heart absolutely breaks for you. I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to take the pain away. Please know that there are many of us out here thinking about you.

21 Sarah { 01.07.08 at 1:06 pm }


I’m so sorry for your loss. I haven’t been a regular reader on your site, but my sorrow for you and your family comes from also having held my child, soon after birth, while she died.

At some point time will help with the acute and intense pain, but you will always remember, love and mourn Lennox. And sharing his story with all of us will mean that there will always be people who remember and think of your sweet little boy.

22 lori { 01.07.08 at 2:25 pm }

AMS, i am so incredibly sorry for you and your DH and zoe having lost your beloved lennox. you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

wishing you peace and healing,

23 Karaoke Diva { 01.07.08 at 3:12 pm }

I’m so so sorry for your family’s loss. Know that although I’ve never before read your blog, my heart is heavy with grief on your behalf.

24 Kristen { 01.07.08 at 3:22 pm }

I am so truly sorry for your loss. I wish there was more to say but I will praying that peace will find you soon.


25 Carole { 01.07.08 at 3:53 pm }

AMS…thinking of you and your family tonight. I am so sorry for your loss. Sweet Lennox will always be held close in my heart.

26 Ms. Infertile { 01.07.08 at 4:40 pm }

I am just so so sorry. There are no other words. Just know that I am praying for her and her family.

27 loribeth { 01.07.08 at 6:56 pm }

I did not “know” AMS before this post, but I am so sorry to hear about wee Lennox. No parent should ever have to endure this kind of grief. 🙁

28 FattyPants { 01.07.08 at 7:36 pm }

Words just cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family will be in our prayers.

29 Jess { 01.07.08 at 7:38 pm }

I don’t know them, but what a sad, sad story. Thinking of them and praying for them today.

There’s just nothing really to say to a loss like that. 🙁

30 Cathleen { 01.07.08 at 8:54 pm }

My heart just aches. Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

31 sara { 01.07.08 at 9:24 pm }

Even though I don’t know AMS…my heart is sad and words can’t express how sorry I am for their loss.

32 Malky B. { 01.07.08 at 11:07 pm }

AMS, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Lennox. Having lost a full term baby girl myself, I know the shock and pain that your are in. Be kind to yourself and know that you will never forget your son. He will especially be on your mind at each birthday and although the pain will ease he will always be remembered and loved.

33 Caroline { 01.08.08 at 6:05 am }

I am so so sorry to hear about Lennox, I also don’t know you but I have read your story and it has touched my soul. I pray you find peace with your grief and am praying for Zoe as well

34 Rachel { 01.08.08 at 7:31 am }

I am simply so very sorry for your loss. I am thinking of all of you and hope you can find some peace in these difficult times.

35 Bea { 01.08.08 at 7:54 am }

I think “bearing witness” is a good way to put it. I really can’t think of anything inspirational to say for Zoe at a later date, or for her parents now, but I wanted to add my voice to those thinking of them.


36 Cibele { 01.08.08 at 9:31 am }

I read AMS post and it broke my heart as well. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, Lennox. I wish healing and confort for AMS and her family. AMS and specially for little Zoe are on my prayers. Hugs

37 Maria { 01.08.08 at 9:50 am }

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that I am thinking about all of you and praying for God to heal your hearts.

38 kate { 01.08.08 at 10:18 am }

I’m so very sorry for the loss of Lennox. He was such a brave little boy. Your family is in my thoughts as you travel through this difficult time…

39 Jen { 01.08.08 at 11:00 am }

I found AMS’s story via Stacie at The Twinkies. My heartbroke when I heard about the loss of her son. I am praying for her and her family.

40 Claudia { 01.08.08 at 1:01 pm }

So very heartbreaking. My most sincere condolences to you during this difficult time. May you find peace.

41 LJ { 01.08.08 at 3:54 pm }


I read the post and have no words that will likely comfort you right now. One thing I know is that these children have been loved. They exist, and not just in your own memory. That we were able to share in your joy and heartbreak brings them to an even larger connection of hearts and souls.

My thoughts are with you and only wish I could hug you, or hold your hand in sympathy.

42 Ann { 01.08.08 at 8:20 pm }

I am so sorry for AMS and her family. I wish that there were some way to send something more than my condolences. I’ll keep them in my prayers and pray that they find comfort, strength, and peace.

43 Kimberley { 01.08.08 at 8:25 pm }

No words will suffice. My heart is breaking for you. Your family is in my prayers.

44 Leggy/Clover { 01.08.08 at 8:51 pm }

I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart broke when I heard your story- I just wish so much the outcome had been different. My best wishes for you and your darling Zoe.

45 Julia { 01.08.08 at 10:17 pm }

AMS, I don’t know you, but I wanted to say that am so sorry about the death of your beloved Lennox. This pain is not transient and it’s not going away, and for a while the pain will feel worse for the enormous love you feel for the son you can never hold again. I hope for you, as it happened for me, that with time love and warmth of the memories temper the pain. I wish you peace, even though I know it won’t come easy or quick.

46 MooK8E { 01.09.08 at 4:43 pm }

My heart is also quite heavy. This post and the post on AMS’s page had me in tears for quite some time last night. I will pray for baby Lennox to rest at peace, and for the rapid health of baby Zoe. Also, for the pain of AMS and her husband, word cannot describe how sorry I am, I may not know you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers and baby Lennox is etched in my heart now also.
Here’s to a long happy life with baby Zoe; It sounds like she’s already a trooper, let’s just keep her trooping.

47 maryellenandsteve { 01.10.08 at 9:32 am }

I just found out about this, and I am absolutely shocked and devastated to hear this news. The image of watching that precious baby boy hold his father’s finger as he fell asleep in his mother’s arms will always be with me. AMS I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

48 A.M.S. { 01.10.08 at 2:19 pm }

Words can’t express our gratitude to all of you.

It has taken us several days to get through Mel’s post and these comments. Each one has touched us more deeply than you can imagine.

To know that our sweet Lennox will be remembered is the greatest tribute we can think of.

Zoe continues to defy the odds and progresses every day, proving more and more to us that her big brother fought to give her the time she needed.

Thank you, all. I’m honored to be a part of this community.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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