Posts from — November 2010

This is apparently the version of Thanksgiving that they teach in kindergarten: the Mayflower came filled with smiling pilgrims who all wore cool hats and shoes with buckles. Wait, no, they were also sad because they had no toys. When they got here, they realized that they didn’t know how to farm this strange new land (because, apparently, dirt is different over here vs. England), but their new friends — the native Americans — taught them. In the winter, they were sad and homesick, and some of the pilgrims were even very ill! But they sat down with their new friends — those native Americans — and made a big dinner to say thank you and celebrate the fact that they were here in a new land. (Though the ChickieNob asked a good question: how does killing animals and making someone else eat them say “thank you?”) They were all happy and sang songs and even did a few dances around the table.

The End.

And that Thanksgiving story is precisely what makes us feel like shit when we come to our own Thanksgiving table feeling less than stellar when our life is craptastic. As kids, we’re told this sanitized version of events because can you imagine your kindergarten teacher telling you the truth?

That out of the 103 pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower, only 53 were alive for that meal? And only 4 of them were women, so good luck with that re-population effort, my friends. And those new friends, the native Americans? 90% had died of leptospirosis a few years before the Mayflower landed. They couldn’t defend their land because there were so few of them still alive. The pilgrims robbed the native American graves for corn stores, creating a strange tension as they tried to build a relationship with the remaining native Americans. But yes, they did sit down for a three day feast that included wild turkeys and deer.

So with all of that shit going down, are you honestly going to tell me that the coping mechanisms of the pilgrims was so fierce that they were able to set aside that small fact that half of their compatriots (as well as spouses, children, or parents) were dead and they were across the sea from anything familiar and grin through the feast?

Are we honestly expected to believe that the pilgrims didn’t bitch about the cold or the fact that they were eating corn that had been in the ground with corpses a few days earlier or the fact that their loved ones were dead — that they smiled and thanked G-d that they were alive, and we’re all supposed to set aside anything we might be feeling and just talk about how freakin’ thankful we are? That we’re supposed to become Suzy Sunshine for one day of the year and grasp to find silver linings in our life even if we’ve just lost someone we love or were downsized from our job or had a miscarriage or broke up with our partner.

Well, call me less self-actualized than the pilgrims, but I can’t set aside everything that is happening in my world when I sit down to a dinner table — even if it’s a dinner that took several days to prepare and the table is populated by people I love (and who love me back regardless of my mood). I can’t let it go, and frankly, I don’t really believe that the pilgrims let it go. But I do think we do a world of damage when we perpetuate that myth and teach it to our kids.

They should know that sometimes things suck, and sometimes, you have to feel what you’re going to feel while things suck. That it’s okay to mourn and it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not pull yourself up by the bootstraps based on someone else’s timetable rather than your own. And that sometimes, when you push yourself to do something, you find that you actually derived a great deal of peace from the experience. Such as sitting down at the Thanksgiving table when you’re sort of dreading being around people.

Every year, I write a Holiday Survival Guide because I think that everyone experiences something in life that makes a particular year or set of years difficult for them. That for every holiday season that you enjoy and look forward to participating in, there is also a time in life where you dread all the reminders that come with a holiday season and wish you could avoid the whole thing. And this year may be that time for you.

You can sit out of the festivities if that’s what you need to do, but a survival guide is sort of like holding your breath to eat (you know, so you don’t taste anything) when your mother asks you to try lima beans. Like slimey green lima beans, going to events is usually good for you, and it’s important to be around people who care about you when the going is tough. You just may need a trick for getting through family time just as mouth-breathing (and not tasting) works for choking down undesired foods.

I’ll offer up the same advice I gave the last year two years with additional notes from comments that came on those old posts:

• Create your own incentives and treat getting through the holiday season as your job. Pay yourself in whatever will make you happy. For instance, after a trip to the local mall to have your picture taken with your niece and Santa, pay yourself with a manicure. Attending the holiday party from hell may win you an entire bar of chocolate. It’s worth setting up small incentives and budgeting for your own happiness because it can be something to focus on during the task at hand.
• You know the idea that you can take a large school and make it small but you can’t go the other way around? Flip that concept when it comes to the holidays: take a small part of the holiday and make it big. Focus on something that you can do and make it your contribution to the holiday season. If you know celebrating Christmas will be too much, make sure you throw yourself wholeheartedly into helping prepare Thanksgiving (and then develop an unfortunate case of the stomach flu on December 24th). If you can organize the family gift but can’t fathom how you’ll do Christmas dinner, make sure you send out an email to your siblings early asking for photos of your nieces and nephews so you can design a great picture calendar for your parents. And then skip the ham.
• Do all your shopping online instead of subjecting yourself to walking past the displays of toys and Christmas baby clothes at the store. Keep it simple this year – you have a lifetime to plot out the most fantastic gifts of all time. This may be the year that you need to buy a DVD or book for each person your list and be done.
• Leave a note in your pocket: write a note to yourself, ask a friend to jot something down, trade letters with your partner, or simply leave a list of names (therapist, fellow bloggers, the friend you’ll drink with the moment you get home) in your pocket to touch as a reminder that someone has your back when you begin to feel overwhelmed at the holiday table. I can’t be with you at your Christmas dinner (the whole Jew and vegetarian thing aside, I just don’t think your family is going to be cool if you drag along a random blogger), but I can give you a note right now to keep in your pocket. Simply print this out and whenever you get overwhelmed, touch it and remember that there are people out there who get you. And change the line about mini hot dogs if you’re a vegetarian:

Hey Sweetie:

I know it was really hard to come to this party/dinner/get together but now that you’re here, you’re even closer to it being over. Try to enjoy yourself, but if you can’t, nip into the bathroom for a cry or bury yourself at the buffet table and do nothing but eat mini hot dogs for the rest of the night. There is no shame in enduring rather than enjoying and you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this without ruining any relationships. Make sure you take time for yourself today/tonight after you get home. I’m here on the other end of the computer if you need me.

Love,
Mel

• Pick and Choose: there is no rule that says you must attend every event during the holiday season – even if you’ve gone to everything in the past. If it’s going to cause more grief than it’s worth, just attend the event. But if you can get your partner to “surprise” you with a holiday trip, all the better.
• Book: I actually include a lot of ideas like these in Navigating the Land of If to get through life in general; not just holiday. I’m just saying.
• I will tell you the only trick I have up my sleeve: the holiday card. Most holiday cards we receive are either generic package-of-12 types or pictures of kids/families. We send out cards every year that routinely get responses that it was the best card they’ve gotten all year, or sometimes the best card ever. Sometimes one fabulous photo of us in some fabulous locale; sometimes a whole series around the world (which it will have to be again this year). We used to just have a normal photo card, but now we include a newsy update of career progress and travels. The people with kids (or limited funds, or limited outlook) say, “Wow, your life is amazing. I’m stuck here at home.” I’m not trying to make them feel envious of us, but envy is way better than pity. –Baby Smiling in Back Seat
• All of our friends have been sending photo X-mas cards in the past years. In previous years, we’d send an awesome vacation photo. Like- heh!- we still had fun this year!–Mrs. Spock
• One tip I figured out early on: If you can’t shop online & have to go to the mall, find out what hours Santa will be there — & then go when he’s not around. There won’t be as many kids & babies around to deal with then. –The Road Less Travelled
• I manage to work in a reference to Katie in every edition of our Christmas letter … usually in relation to our volunteer work. But I like being able to remind people that she was real & is still a part of our lives. My Christmas card itself usually has either an angel or Classic Pooh theme (which was also the theme of her nursery). I know other people who use angel stamps on their cards as a subtle reminder of their lost baby(s). –The Road Less Travelled
• This year I solved my problem in the cowardly fashion … I offered to work. I work at a domestic violence shelter, which is open 24/7 … So I figure I might as well. I can get paid double time as well, so it’s all sorts of awesome. –An Unwanted Path
• I started listening to holiday music in August this year. I’m using it as my own private technique for connecting with the joy of the season early enough that I won’t suddenly get trampled in the crush of child-centric images, events, and conversations coming my way during the actual season. I want this year to be different! –Lisa
• Instead of focusing on what I can’t handle, I’m heading into the season excited about the possibilities of the new traditions TH and I will make this year. I’m just going to roll with the punches. If I’m really excited about putting up the tree, we’re going to do it and not wait. If I can’t handle being around our nephew, TH can go and I can stay home. I’m not going to force myself into any situation, and I’m just going to accept where I am and be there. —Kim
• I just bought three bottles of my favorite wine yesterday to take to my mom’s….and I don’t plan to share any of it. –Guera!

How do you get through the holiday season when you’re feeling less than your best? And are you more like those fictionalized pilgrims or do you bring the weather with you wherever you go?

As I said last week, I started running again in the morning, and my body is finally getting accustomed to waking up at 6 am and shlepping downstairs to workout.  I’ve purchased a nice, new, BPA-free camelbak water bottle as a reward.

I didn’t weigh myself for a week, wanting to see that big loss rather than the few measly ounces I might see in a day.  After 6 days of hauling my ass downstairs to run (okay, and after a short trip to Hershey), it turned out that I HAD GAINED 1.3 POUNDS.  Yes, gained.  As in not only did I not lose weight with my sleep sacrifice, but I actually gained weight.

I almost torched that princess castle on Wuhu Island in my rage.

So I’ve upp’ed the workout and cut out all the lovely treats we have in the house.

Being a grown-up is hard.

*******

We have been playing around with the idea of getting a pet — most likely a hamster.  Part of me thinks it’s a terrible idea: I don’t need another thing to take care of that isn’t a human baby.  It will be one more headache to deal with when we travel.  I’ll have to buy it food and clean its cage and … did I mention that it would become one more thing?

And part of me thinks it’s a terrific idea: that animals teach compassion and responsibility to kids.  That having a pet is an integral part of growing up.  And perhaps the most important point — they’ll never be able to come up with a porn star name if they don’t have a first pet.

A hamster fits our space constrictions and is furry and cute.  But yesterday, the twins informed me that they now want a guinea pig (which wouldn’t fit in the space I’ve allotted for a pet’s cage) named Andrew Sparkles*.  They told me they wanted a name that no one in their class had so they wouldn’t hear the teacher say the shared name and spend class time daydreaming about their pet.  Fair enough.

But Andrew is the name of my ex-bi-boyfriend who broke up with me when he realized that he wasn’t actually attracted to women.  How am I supposed to procrastinate from doing work by talking to our pet if he shares a first name with my ex-boyfriend?  And Sparkles?  How can I forget my Andrew’s disco-ball-like shirt with an unfortunately-paired name like that?

When I explained that I couldn’t have a pet named after my ex-boyfriend, they informed me that this name was already a done deal.  It was not up for discussion.  Josh has been amusing himself by making up terrible pet names out of all the names of our ex’s paired with a noun from the reason we broke up.  It’s a fun game — try it.

*******

Instead of the Weekly What If: Take the first name of a past boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, or frenemy, pair it with an unfortunately accurate noun or adjective that ties into the reason you’re no longer with this person, and create your worst-pet-name.

*******

And now, the blogs…

I love love love this post by Edenland about speaking at a conference about blogging.  She writes, “I told my blogging story. My big, fat, messy, wonderful, terrible blogging story. That story is all mine … all of the ups and downs and joy and mire that I put in here. I am the expert on it, so I spoke much more freely … (and openly!) … than I had originally intended.”  I love posts like this, just as much as I love blogging itself.

In a similar vein, Love, Hope and Faith has a post about her 500th post.  She asks for an uncreated word: “What is the word for things that happen on the inside of you? For things that cause you to feel more emotions and intensity than you ever have before?”  I’ll admit that I cried when she said that her friendships have grown as her boy has grown.  And what a long, strange trip it’s been.

Once a Mother has a post about the hour-long disc they have of their daughter’s life.  They watched it once, right after she died, and they haven’t watched it again.  She writes so achingly: “The videos ended. The nightmare continued.”  She asks: “Can one simultaneously live and grieve?”  It is such an amazing and moving post; you need to read it in full.

Lastly, Mrs Spock has a post (amongst other things) about finding a connection with the coach’s sister at a dinner.  There is a pause after a question is asked that she recognizes, that hesitation that speaks volumes.  In their conversation, another woman adds her experience with loss, and it brings to the forefront this quiet sisterhood.

The roundup to the Roundup: I can’t believe I gained weight this week. Andrew Sparkles, our future pet.  What would be your ill-named pet?  And lots of great blogs to read.

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent as well as future pets.

Everyone is probably aware by now that Amazon was selling a book about how to be a good pedophile, Twitter exploded with angry tweets about it, and after many hours (and promising that they wouldn’t take it down), Amazon waved the white flag and removed the book.

And certainly, fighting the good fight is a form of social action, but frankly, my ears are a little numb from all the good fights (last week alone, amongst the small flare ups, I was also asked to get angry at an airline, a plagiarizing magazine, and the verdict in a trial).

Whatever happened with first trying to deal directly with the company or person?  I don’t mean an email or two.  I mean, deal directly with the company for a reasonable amount of time.  I have a great deal of respect for the United Breaks Guitars band because their vocal protest against United — involving the rest of the world in their personal problem with the airline — came after a year of back and forth with the company.  United refused to listen to them, so they took it public.  And suddenly, United heard them.  But before they involved all of us, they tried to solve it on their own.

Many times, we are jumping straight into Twitter or Facebook and using these incredibly powerful tools to organize.  And yes, it gets things accomplished — but what is lost too?  And what important messages aren’t getting heard because there is so much noise; our heads are being yanked to attention several times daily.  At some point, we’re going to start missing important things because we’ll have social action fatigue.  Many of us already do.

It’s a little bit like the boy who cried wolf, except that it’s more like the social media user that cried, “charge!”

Which is not to say that the call for action isn’t usually a worthy call for action, but when it happens every single day, when I’m asked to add something to my profile picture or change the colour of it every single day, it means that people may stop hearing the word “charge.”

In D.C. last weekend, there was a carrotmob put together by Jews United for Justice.  For those unfamiliar with the concept, it is the opposite of a boycott, using the “carrot” or the enticement instead of the “stick” to beat a company into submission.  A company is rewarded and business driven their way for showing exemplary behaviour, in this case,

A Carrotmob is a method of activism that rewards businesses for socially responsible actions, channeling customers to companies with good practices. Teaism, the winner of the DC Carrotmob, provides 5-7 sick days to ALL of its employees.

In other words, instead of only shouting about what businesses are doing wrong (and believe me, while that book was disgusting, it’s hardly the only disturbing book on Amazon’s site), equally using social media to point out what businesses are doing right.  Instead of only writing about other bloggers when you’re pissed off about something they’ve written, using your blog to highlight bloggers who write things you like.

It’s about owning your power.  Because social media is a powerful tool.  And it can be used to fight the good fight.  And it can also be used to have voices ring out in praise rather than anger.  And when we have both happening, we have something multitonal and interesting.  And when we only go in one direction, either with anger or with praise, we miss out on all the directions social media can take us.

Where do you stand on the social media (Twitter, Facebook, blogging, etc) storms?  Do you think there are too many or have you never noticed them because you ignore trending topics on the sidebar?  I challenge you to use your power within social media for good today and tweet about a business or person who is doing something right.  And then come here and tell us about it.

This week, Josh and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary.  After debating the pros and cons of numerous locales (Charlottesville sure looks interesting sort of!  And Deep Creek Lake would be lovely if it wasn’t dripping with memories of a past chemical pregnancy), we decided to go to Hershey because it (1) held no surprises, (2) had a hotel with a good fireplace which is perfect for reading time, (3) had chocolate in abundance as well as numerous alcoholic chocolate girlie drinks, and (4) had a free ride with singing, animatronic cows.

Wait, did I say that it held no surprises?

Would finding yourself one of only 6 hotel guests NOT attending the enormous Christian convention taking place this past weekend at the hotel be a surprise?

No?

So, we cozied around the hotel lobby fireplace with my vampire smut novels and Josh’s more erudite literature.  Just the two of us and over 1000 convention goers all discussing the theme of the weekend: “It’s All About Jesus.”

But wait — not only did we get 1000 convention goers, there was an enormous marching band convention happening in town too!  So if you were inside the building, you were listening to speakers screaming about Mary and Martha, and if you went outside the building, it was non-stop drum corp.

And we had an enormously fantastic time.

No, I’m serious — it was a really good time.

Save for the drum corp.

*******

We got home and immediately jumped back into running around and the shrieking schedule of life, and I wanted to stop for a second and just breathe in nine years.

Josh is this really incredible person, and I get to wake up every day with him.  Which is not to say that I always recognize that fact.  There are plenty of mornings where I roll over and hiss like a banshee trying to induce fear by lowering her voice: “your alarm went off.”

But what I’m trying to say is that banshee-hissing aside; when I am of sound mind and fully awake, I recognize that I married this incredible person who supports me in everything I do, including insane projects such as building numerous squirrel feeders in our kitchen (by the way, Josh, we’re building squirrel feeders today).

This story illustrates the type of person Josh is: two days before our wedding, I saw a news report while I was running that said local giving was down in the wake of 9/11 and some of the area soup kitchens didn’t have enough donations to put together Thanksgiving.  So I ran upstairs and woke him up, and made him call one of the soup kitchens and ask what we could bring.  The woman said “collard greens would help.”

So Josh went with me to the food store where we bought up all of the collard greens that they had out on display.  And then I told the cashier that I sort of needed all the collard greens in the store, and the cashier got them to bring out more collard greens.  So Josh filled his trunk (mind you, two days before our wedding when I had also given him a bunch of other tasks to do) with bags and bags of collard greens.

And he drove those collard greens downtown because I was too shy to go.

He didn’t laugh at me or roll his eyes or try to reason with me that a check would be easier than a collard green delivery.  He didn’t say, “this was your crazy idea; you go deliver a trunk-full of collard greens.”  No, he just gave me a kiss and said he’d see me in a bit, and he went downtown with his vegetable-laden trunk.

And that’s why I love him.

I love him because he makes me listen to his music and tell me that I like it when he knows that I don’t.  I love him because he tempers me when I’m running ahead with something that might not be a very good idea (such as the time I almost brought home the pet chicken, sweetie).  I love him because he forwards me newspaper articles I should read.

In other words, I love him because he makes me a better me.

And I love him because he makes 1000 sacrifices for our family.

Happy anniversary, Josh.

9 is half of 18, and is therefore, in Judaism, half of a life.  May our next 9 years be filled with even more Christian conventions and drum corps, more collard greens and squirrel feeders, more Wilco and New York Times.

I love you.