Posts from — November 2010

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: the December list is now closed.  The January list will open on 12/30.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens ( twins, books, writing )
2. Scrambled Eggs — A Journey from IVF to Baby-Maybe ( ivf, ttc, pregnancy )
3. Getting Inside My Head ( kids, tech, weight loss )
4. Me Plus One ( SMC, pregnancy after loss )
5. Ambivalent Womb ( mfi, ivf #3 )
6. My Infertility Journey ( parenting/ infertility /ttc#2 )
7. A Half Baked Life ( food/baking, pregnancy after loss )
8. Bio Girl ( parenting, infertility, TTC#2 )
9. Write Mind Open Heart ( open adoption, mindfulness, perfect moments )
10. It’s Always Raining ( infertility, fostering, life )
11. Banking On It ( 1st ivf, mfi, immunology )
12. Blawnde’s Blawg ( infertility, acupuncture, new to TCM )
13. Diary of taking small steps towards baby steps ( ivf, pcos, ttc )
14. The Miss Ruby ( living childless, longtermttc )
15. Fervently Wishing ( smc, health, ttc )
16. My Ordinary Miracles ( success after infertility, toddler, twins )
17. Yolk ( infertility, ttc, humour )
18. Too Many Fish to Fry ( twins, if, miscarriage )
19. Baby Magnesi ( infertility, mfi, depression )
20. Searching for the Missing Piece ( miscarriage, adoption, decisions )
21. Here We Go Again ( parenting, life after, humor )
22. Aisha Iqbal ( motherhood, writing, life )
23. One Cycle at a Time ( infertility thyroid pups )
24. Infertility Unexplained ( unexplained infertility, iui, acupuncture )
25. No Suzy Homemaker ( IVF, RPL, stillbirth )
26. The Unfair Struggle ( mfi, speedskating, life )
27. amoment2think ( parenting, society, food )
28. Dragondreamer’s Lair ( parenting, secondary infertility, crafts )
29. My Cheap Violin ( single, ttc, iui )
30. Woman Anyone? ( third trimester, baby #1, unexplained infertility )
31. A Second Line ( IVF, stillbirth, incompetent cervix )
32. Stumbling Gracefully ( working mom, photos, letting go )
33. The Road Less Traveled ( infant loss, embryo adoption, IVF )
34. Paradykes ( emma, life, surrogacy )
35. Kate the Poet ( writing, parenting, college )
36. A Page In My Book ( everyday chaos, special needs, if grad )
37. ThatGirlWithEndo ( infertility, endometriosis, pain )
38. Not Just an Army Wife ( military, infertility, loss )
39. Not Again! ( rpl, autoimmune, iui )
40. Workin’ on a full house! ( PCOS, life, TTC )
41. This non-American Life ( travel, expat life, Europe )
42. Flogging the Muse ( art, painting, creativity )
43. Alex’s Adventures ( IVF, NK cells, MTHFR )
44. Life In A Glass House ( transracial adoption, multicultural family, G-d)
45. For We Are Bound by Symmetry ( ttc#1, unexplained infertility )
46. The Infertility Overachievers ( success after IVF, toddler, IVF #2 )
47. On Tap for Today ( life, humor, Boston )
48. Magnolia Queen ( wedding, miscarriage, family )
49. Rocky Road to Motherhood ( pregnant, IVF, life )
50. The 2 Week Wait ( infertility, humor, TTC )
51. The Port of Indecision ( recurrent pregnancy loss )
52. The Inadequate Conception ( infertility, humor, book )
53. Walking An Unknown Path ( failed ivf, god )
54. Find Joy Now ( joy, life, parenting )
55. Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting on my Fertile Godmother ( PCOS, infertility, marriage )
56. Creating Our Miracle ( ivf, ttc, infertility )
57. A Woman My Age ( adoption, infertility, parenting after 40 )
58. Digital-Damita.net ( frugal, green, ttc )
59. Enchilada Sunrise ( fibrecrafts, bipolar, life )
60. My Hopeful Journey ( support, support, support )
61. Removing Roadblocks ( unexplained infertility, faith, food )
62. A PGD BLOG ( pgd, ivf, myotonic dystophy )
63. The Journey to Baby G ( iui, miscarriage, pcos )
64. The Pursuit of Pregnancy ( ivf, recurrent losses, DOR )
65. The Misadventures of Missohkay ( adoption, pregnancy loss )
66. My Infertile Confessions ( IVF #1, PCOS, septate uterus )
67. Cradles and Graves ( recurrent cord-related loss, maybe a baby? )
68. From TTC to Mommy, thanks to IVF ( ivf, parenting after IF, embryo adoption )
69. A Miracle In the Making…A Great Joy Is Coming ( pregnant afer IF/recurrent miscarriage, nk cells, mthfr )
70. Whitney & Erick – Our Home on the Web ( IVF, miscarriage, RPL )
71. The Infertility Therapist ( psychological aspects of infertility )
72. Carney Exploits ( life, infertility, home )
73. Your Great Life ( fertility coaching, emotional support, family-building )
74. Eggs in a Basketcase ( infertility, relationships, failure )
75. Project Baby ( infertility, iui, my story )
76. Infertility And Me ( azoospermia, father, MFI )
77. The C’s Baby Dance ( PCOS TTC #2, IVF-ED, IUI )
78. Lifeslurper ( donor eggs, infertility, depression )
79. To Those Who Wait ( IUI , TTC 3+ years, life )
80. Raising Cain (someday) ( IVF, infertility, waiting for #1 )
81. Mission: Fertile Soul ( fertility, creativity, humor )
82. Teddy Lifeslurper ( infertility, humour, teddy )
83. Exploring Chaos ( ttc #2, tww, parenting after IF )
84. Little Bird ( donor egg ivf )
85. Surviving the Secondary Infertility Madness ( pregnant, pcos, parenting )
86. College & Endo ( endo & IF, TTC in college )
87. Our Stork isn’t Great with Directions ( new baby, PCOS, MFI )
88. Infertility Musings ( miscarriage after IVF #1, sadness, hope )
89. Lily in the Valley ( IVF, marriage, stepparenting )
90. Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up ( adoption, christ, infertility )
91. Wistfulgirl’s World ( infertility, pcos, life )
92. Stork Stalking ( SMC, recurrent pregnancy loss )
93. Inconceivable! ( infertility, family, struggles )
94. Plans Change ( adoption, infertility, teaching )
95. Lauren Vs. The World ( injectables, unexplained, anovulation )
96. Making Baby Giraffes ( infertility ivf icsi )
97. The Barren Chemist ( childfree after loss, chemistry, life )
98. Riding the IVF Roller Coaster ( fear, early pregnancy )
99. As Fast As My Baby Can ( ivf, ttc#1, donor eggs )
100. Tales from the Rat Race ( pregnant after ivf, 3rd trimester )
101. Born From My Heart ( toddlerhood, infertility, adoption )
102. Ready For My Bundle ( adoption/infertility, job loss, home improvement )
103. All Grown Up ( adoption, parenting, life )
104. Hearts Joined, Hands Fast ( mfi, iui, ttc #1 )
105. My Dusty Uterus ( exercise, humor, eggs )
106. Loving, Living, Loving ( stillbirth, family, childbirth )
107. It’s Definitely Possible ( smc, ttc, life )
108. Try, Try Again ( baby loss, ttc, ivf )
109. for all the things we hope for ( infertility, miscarriage, nursing school )
110. Buzz Off Infertility ( infertility, pregnancy loss, pregnancy )
111. In a Nutshell ( donor IVF, fertile-venting, surviving )
112. Waiting For Our Miracle ( FET, IVF, early pregnancy )
113. Junebugs Musings ( if, moving, soul-searching )
114. Trying to Conceive ( ivf, infertility, emotions )
115. Motherhood Meets Me ( adoption infertility motherhood )
116. Getting There ( adoption, waiting, life )
117. Baby Dreams ( pregnant with #2 after IF/recurrent miscarriage, my son, life )
118. Infertile Follies ( infertility, IVF, ectopic pregnancy )
119. Grief, Interrupted ( grief, acceptance, special needs )
120. Watering Faith’s Seed ( infertility, faith, ivf )
121. On The Lanai ( infertility, emotions, marriage )
122. All Aboard the Pity Boat ( infertility, running, life )
123. Trying not to scream ( infertility, loss, trying again )
124. Hope Is A Four Letter Word ( annovulation, iui, ivf )
125. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! ( twins, life, pregnancy )
126. Calmly Chaotic ( pregnancy, 1st trimester, design )
127. The Infertility Doula ( support, information, general IF )
128. The Road Less Traveled ( unexplained if, life )
129. InDueTime ( life, infertility, pcos )
130. wanna bee ( adoption, loss, craftiness )
131. The Ros’ Bowl ( parenting after infertility )
132. High Heels to Hunting Boots ( dog, photography, cooking )
133. Uncommon Nonsene ( infertilty, pcos, hypothyroidism )
134. Journey to Baby Belgard ( unexplained, infertility, ivf )
135. MissConception ( infertility, pcos, ttc #1 )
136. the December list is now closed.  The January list will open on 12/30.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is navy blue, the next month it will be green, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

Last night, I went out to see my best friend who was in town for Thanksgiving and staying at her parent’s house.  Before I went to her house, I swung by my parent’s old house, partially out of intent and partially due to muscle memory.  It felt wrong to be so close and not drive up and down their street once.

The other family had several lights on in the house — one in their old bedroom and another in the playroom.  I could see the familiar wood walls of the playroom through the uncurtained window.  They had placed a rocking chair where my old play stove had been.  There was a bookcase along the wall.  It was dark out and I didn’t want to look like a stalker, so I idled for a few seconds and then continued on to her house.

I didn’t mind that they moved their things in, but I’m glad they didn’t make any major changes yet.  Didn’t cover up the wood walls of the playroom or paint the front door another colour.  For some reason, changing those things — those things that define the physical space such as the door colour or the wall material — would be like erasing us from that house.  As if it had never been ours, never looked this way.  As if so much of our lives hadn’t gone on within those walls.

We were sitting in the living room; my friend and her husband and her brother and some old family friends that I have known since childhood.  I admitted that I drove by my parent’s old house, and my brother-by-friendship (what do you call the siblings of a sister-by-choice?) — knowing me well — immediately crowed, “and Melissa cried, right?”  But I didn’t.  I thought I would, and perhaps I would have if it was day time and I could see something more than the shadow of the house.  But I didn’t cry.  It just felt like hearing a sigh.

*******

I saw the 7th Harry Potter movie this past weekend with my father, my sister, and our husbands.  What I’m saying won’t ruin the movie unless you haven’t read the book, but skip over this section if you are a purist and literally don’t want to read anything before you see it.

There is a scene early on in the film, one you read about in the book in a sentence or two.  Hermione erases herself out of her parent’s mind.  She erases herself out of pictures and walks out of the house, and I’ll admit — my brother-by-friendship be damned — I cried hard.  Because I think the only thing worse than losing the person would be forgetting them, as if they never existed.

Of course, if you forgot, you wouldn’t know that you were missing anything, which is why it must be so much more painful for those with good memories to view someone who is losing their memory.  Of course, as memory loss occurs, there has to be fear and confusion.  In not being able to find the familiar around you.  But it is terrifying for those viewing it happening in another person, seeing themselves erased.

The twins asked about the movie when we got back, and they kept saying, “was it so scary?”  And I would say, “it was so scary!  I made myself sick being so scared.”  And they would ask again, “was it so scary?” relishing the idea of their parents encountering something terrifying and living to tell the tale, and I finally said the 12th time it was asked, “it was so scary, and there was a sad part too.”

I told the twins about Hermione erasing herself out of her parent’s minds, my throat catching.  And I made them promise me that if they ever learned how to do that sort of magic, they would never do that to us.  Because I couldn’t stand the idea of it; of what my life would be like without knowing them.

*******

Erasure is a form of found poetry that is built out of erasing words.  The silence — the missing words — is where all the meaning rests.  It’s sort of a bizarre idea — building out of erasing — since so much of writing is about bringing together words.  About placing more words together in order to best explain the idea.  Erasure is explaining by taking words away.

No one ever thinks about what happens to those missing words; the ones that are removed.  They provide all the meaning, and yet, they don’t even get remembered.

*******

If given the choice, would you rather ache with the loss; missing someone who was or would you rather live like Hermione’s parents, completely ignorant that they just loved someone for eighteen years who is no longer there?

I love that whenever someone is taking a picture of us…

Lindsay does this…

You can find more perfect moments at Write Mind Open Heart.

If you follow me on Twitter, you already partially know my tale of bravery this week at the legs of a cricket (I was going to say at the hands of a cricket, but then realized that crickets probably don’t have hands).  For those who don’t follow me, sit back for the story of how Melissa battled the largest cricket in the world.

It was late at night on Tuesday, and I had just finished reading a new post by Somewhat Ordinary when I went in the kitchen and caught something move out of the corner of my eye.  The thing jumped again, and oh my fucking Lord, it was a cricket that was easily the size of the oven.

Josh wasn’t home, and my first instinct was to run upstairs (as well as curse him).  But then I wouldn’t know where the cricket went, and I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t probably go back downstairs again until the thing was caught.  As in, I would have spent Wednesday in my room.

My second instinct was to call Lindsay or Calliope to come and get it, but I knew they would skin me alive for calling so late and I wouldn’t be able to handle the wait until they arrived.  My third instinct was to channel Somewhat Ordinary, who is this kickass brave woman who can kill crickets.  I went with this plan to go at it with the Dyson.  All of those thoughts happened in the course of about three seconds.

I plugged in the vacuum and stretched out the wand, and screaming like a Celtic warrior (sans the nakedness and blue woad paint), I started pointing it at the cricket while it jumped around manically, frightened no doubt by my continuous rebel yell as well as the fact that extreme suction was coming close to its body.  It jumped under the sideboard, and as I waved the wand underneath (yes, still emitting a continuous shriek), a miracle happened and the cricket paused from moving long enough to be sucked into the Dyson where it spun until unconsciousness.

Even Josh was impressed with its size when he got home and emptied the Dyson for me.  I felt like such a fucking warrior.  The last time I had that type of high over my prowess, I had a needle of Follistim going into my belly.

*******

Someone asked me this week when I was going to pop out another child and  “come on, you have to get on with this and have another!”  She was rewarded with me bursting into tears.  Serves her right for poking.

*******

Back to the cricket: Josh and I have been debating whether or not a cricket that was not dead could live in the toilet and jump back out at you when you sat down to pee.  I wasn’t concerned over my cricket because mine was clearly in a state of rigor mortis with its enormous legs splayed around him.  But it was a hypothetical question about placing a live cricket in a toilet.

Josh insisted that because crickets cannot swim, it would drown.  I insisted that crickets are crafty and it would be entirely within the realm of possibility to have it hide in the pipes until a little girl like me sat down and then it would HOP ONTO MY ASS.

I based this on the fact that there are at least 300 cases of small children who had their bums bitten off by alligators that came through their toilets.  Isn’t that true?  Aren’t there dozens of children who lose their asses every year to alligator-in-the-toilet incidents?

*******

The Weekly What If: If you had to be born the conjoined twin of someone famous (real or fictional), who would it be and why?

*******

And now, the blogs…

The video that Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere Storkey, Storkey posted on her blog made Josh and I laugh so hard that Doritos almost came out my nose.

Tales of Rachel has a post about the friends who got away.  I think I was drawn to this post because we had a week where we got together with Josh’s oldest friend and our kids played together like little yentas, which was followed by Josh attending the funeral for a friend’s father.  He came home quietly pointing out that they had been friends as kids and then they went through first jobs and marriage and infertility and kids and now, they are burying a parent.  And it was just this emotional scope of events.  And then Rachel writes this kickass post about the people we want to stay close to but life gets in the way.  She explains, “I wish I could return to knowing beyond a passing moment on a social networking site.”  Isn’t that how it is?

Moving onto more emotional posts, Serenity wrote about what made her push forward in giving O a sibling.  It’s a sad turn of events that brought her to this realization, but it’s also the energy fueling what will be a difficult process.  She writes, “And how much I want that for O. I shudder when I think of a situation like Thursday’s, except with ME. My cousin at least had his brothers to rely on as they waited for my uncle to get home.”

Lastly, Shorty’s Adventure has a post about her recent loss.  I cried with the end of her post: “My heart and soul, buried in this globby mess I was about the flush down the toilet.  I started at it, I was already on the morphine, and all I could do was stare at it.  I even said goodbye as I threw it away.  I am supposed to somehow go on, but how do you go on, with no heart or soul.”  I think anyone who has had to flush one of those globby messes down the toilet understands how it feels to lose your heart and soul.  And I can’t explain how you go on, but somehow, you do go on.

The roundup to the Roundup: I took on the cricket from Hell.  Thanks for asking when I’m going to have another kid.  Do alligators live in toilets?  Answer the Weekly What If about your preferred conjoined twin.  And lots of great posts to read.  Hope those who celebrated Thanksgiving had a wonderful day.

I’ve posted the pareve (meaning: no dairy) cornbread muffin recipe below because I couldn’t find one online that didn’t contain things that I deemed “weird crap” such as flax seed.  So I made up a recipe and got it right on the second try.  So just in case someone else is searching for a dairy-free cornbread muffin recipe or a pareve cornbread muffin recipe, scroll down and see below.

As I waited for them to rise, I looked through the numerous Christmas catalogs that arrived in the mail for Williams Sonoma or King Arthur.  I started marking pages — not stuff that I needed or even had any room to take into my house, but stuff that just looked interesting.  That I coveted.  A popsicle maker despite the fact that I have popsicle molds I rarely use.  A couche for making baguettes despite the fact that I have managed without one until now, still popping out crispy baguettes by making my own cloth couche.

I just wanted shit.  Even if they were unitaskers that would cause my beloved Alton Brown into become a twitching mass on the floor.  I have cooking equipment I barely use, and still, I wanted more just for the sake of having more.

Perhaps that is just part of being a certain type of human?  How do some people become minimalists, able to let go of all possessions and other people don’t even really pay attention to what they have, instead focused on seeking more?

I think I used to feel the same way about people.  I had friends, but I’d always feel like I didn’t have “enough” friends.  And I would collect more people to hold close emotionally.  We’d have these insane Shabbat dinners back in college and early marriage where we’d have 30+ guests in a tiny apartment.  And yes, those parties were a lot of fun, just as owning a popsicle maker could be a lot of fun.  But still, how much could you connect with 30+ people in a three-hour window?

By the time the cornbread muffins were ready to come out of the oven, I realized that I needed to close the catalogs.  In fact, I needed to toss them and realize that I had enough right now.  Which is not to say that I can’t own new things in the future, but just as I need to listen to my body when it is full and doesn’t need more food, I need to listen to my house when it doesn’t need more things.

And I need to focus on what is in front of me, the people who are in front of me, and just be thankful.

Dairy-Free or Pareve Cornbread Muffin Recipe

Ingredients
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1 cup cornmeal
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 1/2 cups soy milk
2 sticks unsalted margarine
2 eggs

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Line a muffin tin with paper liners.  Mix together the dry ingredients (flour, sugar, cornmeal, baking powder, and salt) in the stand mixer with the paddle attachment.  Start melting the margarine in the microwave in a separate bowl.  Break the two eggs and add them to the mixer while the mixer is off.  Pour in the soy milk.  Turn the mixer on and after a few seconds of mixing, add the melted margarine.  IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO THIS IN THIS ORDER.  If not, the margarine will curdle as it comes in contact with the soy milk.

Spoon the batter into the paper liners, filling each one to the top. Bake for 30 minutes.  The tops will be golden brown and crisp, and a toothpick will come out of the muffin clean.  Allow them to rest and cool before eating.