children mentioned…

The ChickieNob has been skirting ever closer to the question of death as she goes through an existential crisis that would make Sartre jump into the postmodernist abyss. The questions come fast and furious for twelve straight hours every day: why do people get old? what happens after someone turns 100? can we ever go back to being a baby? why does the flower get shrivelly after you pick it? will you always be my mommy? will you always be here? will I always be able to see you? where are all of the dinosaurs now? what happens when a person disappears? will you ever disappear? why are you little only for a short time and then old forever and ever?

The Wolvog, on the other hand, does not seem ready for these heady topics and only wants to discuss the iPod Touch, Audis, and how many times he needs to make in the potty before he gets another model car.

Sometimes, she stands so close to the edge that the wind could push her over. In one line of questioning, she asked about the people who live with my grandmother in the nursing home and where my grandmother lived when she was little and as we moved closer and closer to the question, I could see that she wasn’t really ready to know. Her voice trailed off as she said, “but Grandma S doesn’t have a mommy living there with her. Where’s her…why did you buy me a pink My Little Pony?”

“Because I love you and knew you would like it,” I answered, still waiting for the real question.

But it never came.

There is a sadness to her questioning and if I had bigger balls, I would have had a quiet conversation with her yesterday afternoon after her brother fell asleep. I could still hear her quietly playing with her stuffed animals in bed while her brother slept. I could have lifted her silently out of the room, brought her into mine, quietly stroked her head while I asked her to tell me what has been on her mind lately.

But I didn’t.

And it all goes back to being ball-less.

The fact is that I don’t know how to broach these topics that scare the shit out of me as an adult. I have reoccurring loss dreams–I obviously haven’t neatly tucked away my own existential crisis. I have dreams where people I love are falling off a sheer cliff, farther and farther away from me without any way to undo the moment. I think my Scandinavian Studies degree fucked with my head with all of their talk about falling into dark, deep, unending pits of despair.

STRINDBERG!

I believe that children ask questions when they’re ready to hear the answers. Sometimes, out of circumstances, you need to foist information on them before they’re ready, but barring that, I think that the questions will naturally percolate out of their mouth when they’re ready to ingest the possible answer. I think she knows full well that something scary and sad happens later in life, but until she asks the question, perhaps she’s not truly ready to know.

The problem, of course, is knowing how to explain it when the question does come. I’ve read some articles on speaking to children about death. I’ve used the term “n’shama” with them which sort of translates as soul. Not to get all Jew-y on you yet again, but I guess you need to understand this to see how I thought I’d explain it. Hebrew has three terms that all mean soul or spirit but they are used differently. Nefesh is the soul at the most basic level. I think of it as the functioning of the brain, either you’re living or you’re not and if you are, you have a nefesh.

Ruach is more of an emotional word. It’s spirit, but it’s what we’d probably call in English a ghost. Perhaps that’s not quite right. But the word is connected to the word for wind. Does that make more sense? The life breath? But ruach sort of has a volume control–it can be loud or soft–sort of like the wind. It can be a gentle breeze or it can be a hurricane.

But the word that I was going to use one day to describe death is n’shama. It also means spirit but I always think of it as what makes you…You. It’s your soul, your personality, why you laugh at certain jokes and not at others, why you cry when certain commercials come on, why you like the beach more than the mountains, why you fell in love with that particular person, why you want to be a mother. It is the part of you that is open to experience, that is listening, that is taking in new information. It is all of the traits you are born with and all of the traits you choose to acquire–consciously or subconsciously–over the course of your life.

A person will still look like the person without their nefesh or ruach. Not moving, but still the same. But I think they may one day understand that without a person’s n’shama, they no longer exist. Without my n’shama, I wouldn’t be Melissa. It’s an essence that can’t be recreated, it can’t be contained, it can’t be captured in full, and it can’t be helped by an outside force.

It is what makes it so special and precious and also what makes it so heartbreaking to discuss.

The thing is that once they know, they can never go back to not knowing. And right now, the world looks very different from reality. How can I be the one who shatters that? It is one thing if circumstances decide the timing, but it is another to choose it, to say the words, to put the ideas into their heads, to let them know.

I just don’t want to do that to them.

As much as I joke that the Wolvog isn’t spiritually minded, apropos of nothing, he looked at me while I cut his nails over the toilet and said, “thank you for doing a good job watching me near water. I don’t want to drown.”

You and me both, babe.

Does he truly understand what drown means? Does he sense that it creates something final? And what does final mean to a four-year-old?

The ChickieNob was crying at breakfast one morning that she didn’t want to get old. Josh took out a box of goldfish and set four on the table and said, “that’s you.” Then he counted out 36 of them and pointed to the pile, “that’s me.” Then he counted out 93 of them and set them on a separate napkin. “That’s Grandma S.”

And then, that night, as we got ready for bed she said, “do you know where you buy more goldfish? Can you buy more goldfish? We need more of them.” And even though I knew that we had a Costco size box of goldfish, even though I knew it would take us several months to eat through the goldfish we already have, that statement is just her toeing the edge, peering off the cliff, asking for more time. And it breaks my heart to look down into the abyss with her. To know that it works both ways. There will be a day that she loses me and there will be a day that I lose her. And while I know it can’t go any other way and that there are a lot of goldfish in this lifetime, so to speak, it is still exquisitely painful to sit with that thought. Writing about it has certain brought out several rounds of tears.

But is it scarier to know that the abyss exists or is it scarier to sense that there is a void out there and not know where it is or how one falls in or what falling in even means? I think both sides are pretty damn scary.

Would you draw out the question or wait for it to be asked? And once it is broached, what would you say? Would you tell the full truth or would you make promises you can’t keep? And how do you teach a four-year-old to squeeze that truth to the back of her mind so that she doesn’t turn into a mini Camus?

I do promise to come back and write the conversation once we have it in case anyone wants to either take what we said or run screaming in the opposite direction.

Here is the master list for the fifteenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. What is the Barren Bitches Book Brigade? It’s a book club from the comfort of your own living room. The book club is conducted entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way. We read both fiction and non-fiction.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: Harriet the Spy (not about IF, but definitely ties in to blogging)
Author: Louise Fitzhugh
Start Date: October 29
Question Due: November 28 (or send them before Thanksgiving)
Question List Sent Out: December 1
Post Dates: December 3 and 4
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)
Something New: the participants on this tour will choose the next book and will vote on it right before Thanksgiving.

About Harriet the Spy: Don’t you want to return to your childhood (or read the books you never got a chance to read) for a few weeks? Read about Harriet as she records her thoughts on everything that crosses her path–from her classmates to musings about her parent’s marriage. Harriet was a blogger before blogging even existed.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. On December 3, you’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on Harriet the Spy. I will keep adding to this list until 11 p.m. on November 28. The list is currently open)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
A Little Sweetness
Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…
Not-Ever-Still Life with Girls
Clumsy Kisses
Our Own Creation
Aurelia Ann
The Road Less Travelled
Working on It
Journeywoman
Weebles Wobblog
Life After Infertility and Loss
Miss E’s Musings
Here We Go Again
I’m a Smart One
Kir’s Corner
The Fertile Infertile
Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood
Vacant Uterus
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
All Things Deb

Not on the list and want to join? Drop me an email at thetowncriers@gmail.com. You can add yourself up until 11 p.m. on November 28.

How the book tour works:

(1) leave a comment or send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) saying that you’re interested in participating. I need your blog name, blog url, and email address.

(2) read Harriet the Spy by November 28 (or at least enough of it in order to ask a question to the group).

(3) create a single question that would kick off a discussion (in other words, any question that leads to more than a “yes” or “no” answer where someone can express their opinion) and mail it to me on November 28 (or any time beforehand). I will send you a reminder email close to the date. Click here to see sample questions from tour #4.

(4) on December 1, I will send you a list of possible questions. Everyone will choose 3 questions off the list and answer them in a blog entry.

(5) on December 3, people will begin to post their entry. Each day, I will post a linked list of all the people putting up their entry that day so people can go around and read the entries and comment (start a discussion back and forth in the comments section). Reading the entries and commenting on the posts is the best part of the tour–by the end of the week, you should have a comment from every participant (and maybe even a few new permanent blog readers).

My mum sent me a note about Carolyn Hax’s column yesterday and why we answer questions that should not be asked (in other words, every question you’ve probably ever heard tied to family building).

The questioner asks: “Whatever happened to the cold stare, the raised eyebrow, the, ‘Excuse me?’ said in a chilling voice? Whatever happened to answering the question that SHOULD have been asked (‘I’m fine, thank you; it’s lovely to meet you’) instead of the question that WAS asked?”

Carolyn admits to the questioner that “It’s just that some people aren’t that fast on their feet — be it because they’re a little nervous, or their first instinct isn’t to protect themselves, but instead to please.”

What do you think of that last thought in Carolyn’s answer? Do you find yourself answering the question asked, have you become a master of deflection, or do you simply melt into a small pool of person at the feet of the asker (guess which one I am? Let me help you out–the last one!)?

*Updated to add: I wonder if what we do when faced with a rude question is also indicative of whether we’re an alpha dog, beta dog, or gamma dog. Or in my case…as Josh and I like to say, “Mel is the delta dog.”

A Halloween Play

Random person banging on the Lushary door: Trick or treat!

Melissa, the bartender: Trick.

Random person: What?

Melissa, the bartender: I choose trick.

Random person (okay, so random person isn’t working for you. You need someone concrete. Pretend it’s Barren is the New Black knocking): But I thought you were going to give me candy. Or something. Or alcohol. This is an imaginary bar, right?

Melissa, the bartender: But you offered me a choice and I choose trick.

Barren is the New Black: Fuck (I think she would say “fuck”–she seems really ladylike, but I think under that ladylike, shoe-coveting exterior is a girl who would say “fuck”), I don’t really have a trick.

Melissa, the bartender: Oh–I’ll just open it up to the blogosphere. Maybe someone can suggest one to you.

So, in addition to drowning your sorrows or toasting your good news with a virtual drink, also provide the best trick you’ve ever done–on Halloween or at another time. Mine will be in the comment section below.

It has been a little over a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.

Oh, and just because I’ve opened the Lushary doesn’t mean that class is over: come by and show everyone your item at this week’s Show and Tell.

Welcome back to Show and Tell. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. In fact, we hope you do go back to your blog and post your own Show and Tell item and then return with the link to your post. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

My Show and Tell this week is this new linking function. It allows people to place their link directly into the post if they’re participating rather than wait for me to drag my lazy ass to my computer and move you from the comment section into the main post. Fancy, right?

So here’s how it works:

• Write the name of your blog in the top box (ex. Stirrup Queens). Please capitalize your blog name as you would any title (I know, I’m beyond anal).
• Cut-and-paste the permalink for your post into the second box. The permalink is a permanent link to that particular post and is not the main url for your blog. For instance, the permalink for the post beneath this one is http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/10/friday-blog-roundup_24.html. See–it has a few more words and backslashes than the main blog url.
• Hit enter. You should see yourself listed in the body of this post above the link box.
• Leave a comment about my show-and-tell item in the comment box below.

Isn’t that simple? Let’s see if it works. If you cannot get the link box to work, please leave a comment below with a link to your post and I will enter it when I can.

What are you showing today?

Want to bring something to Show and Tell?

• If you would like to join circle time and show something to the class, simply post each Saturday (or earlier in the weekend or on Monday if you can’t do Saturday night), hopefully including a picture if possible, and telling us about your item. It can be anything–a photo from a trip, a picture of the dress you bought this week, a random image from an old yearbook showing a person you miss. It doesn’t need to contain a picture if you can’t get a picture–you can simply tell a story about a single item.
• Label your post “Show and Tell” each week and then come back here and add the permalink in the auto-links box.
• Oh, and then the point is that you click through all of your classmates and see what they are showing this week.
• If you want it…
  I’ve now placed a Show and Tell archive on the sidebar that will be updated each week in case you miss it. And click here for the icon code if you wish to have it for your blog. It links to the archives.