This is the eighteenth installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I have a friend going through IVF right now, she’s done one cycle without success and is probably going to do it again. She told everyone we knew that she was doing it, and I heard through the grapevine that it didn’t take. My heart fell for her. I know she was devastated. I didn’t want to call her that weekend and be another person saying “I’m so sorry…” When she called me earlier this week I didn’t know what to say to her. What’s the ‘etiquette’ in a situation like this? I felt like a schmuck.

–Amy

I know the instinct is to not say anything but silence is ten times worse than hearing one more “I’m sorry.” While it depends on the person and there are certainly people who would rather not have anyone bring up failed cycles (and have a lot of fear that the words come from pity rather than a desire to support), many more would rather have the acknowledgment and empathy. Talking about it will not make them think about something they’ve forgotten about; regardless of whether or not they’re bringing it up, they are most certainly thinking about it. Those grieving don’t forget to grieve.

There are ways to offer support that help more than others. Calling them and asking for a play-by-play of the low-beta phone call isn’t helpful. Getting a vibe that they don’t want to talk about it because they’re giving you single-word answers and still picking at the subject isn’t helpful. Offering sympathetic words about the cycle while you’re in the middle of a large group of people isn’t helpful.

But sending a short email that they can open and read when they are ready can go a long way. Showing up on their doorstep with a pint of ice cream if you’re a good friend says that you recognize the emotional pain that goes with a failed cycle. Send a card, make a phone call, leave a message on their answering machine, or take them out for drinks to commiserate.

The point is that silence is usually equated with something shameful and a failed cycle is not shameful–it’s sad. In the same vein, the loss of a child is not shameful and a broken adoption match is not shameful. These are all sad events that need to be spoken about lest the person feel like a pariah rather than a member of a community who is undergoing a type of loss.

There was a Twilight Zone episode where the criminals were marked with a scar on their forehead and people in society knew never to speak to them or interact with them. The criminal scoffed at this punishment at first and thought life would go on as usual. He would still get to go to restaurants, see movies, relax in his home. But what he didn’t count on is how much we need human contact. How much we need hugs and kind words and empathy.

By the end of the episode, he’s running through the streets, grabbing people by their jacket lapels and screaming at them to look at him. And that’s how people sometimes feel when they are undergoing a loss (whether it is a failed cycle, divorce, death of a spouse or child, etc). They are obviously there–still part of society–but suddenly, people are avoiding them. Or interacting with them while uncomfortably avoiding this huge topic in their life. It makes you want to grab someone by the lapels and shake them until they address the elephant in the room.

Next time she calls, admit that you know that her cycle failed and how sorry you are. Ask if you can make her dinner the next time she cycles or if you can take her out for drinks so she can vent. Let her know that your shoulder is a safe shoulder to cry on and you won’t jerk it away no matter how uncomfortable it can be to see another person in emotional pain.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

Updated: the List was posted on January 1st and can be read by clicking here. Please continue reading below to see how you can have your blog post added to the list.

I seriously can’t believe it is already mid-November and time to kick off the Creme de la Creme list for 2008. Last year, I waited until the first week in December, but this project honestly needs about six weeks to get it off the ground. So, I hereby declare the Creme de la Creme list open. I know this is loooooong, but please read this whole post before submitting your entry.

If you’ve been reading my blog for more than a year, you’re probably already familiar with the Creme de la Creme list. Even so, read below because I’ve instituted a few rules this year to make it run smoothly (at least on my end!). If you’re not familiar with the Creme de la Creme, read below as well so you can see how to get your blog on the list.

If you didn’t read or participate in this list in 2006 or in 2007, the impulse behind this list are the ubiquitous award ceremonies that crawl out of their hiding spaces usually around December or January. Awards are nice–it’s good to honour someone and mark big accomplishments. But we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers and all of us deserve to be celebrated.

And we’re doing just that.

This is the way it works. If you want to participate, read through your archives and choose a favourite post. You can leave all sorts of comments below telling me how fantastic I am, but fill out the form to send in your submission (do not leave it in the comments section–the point of this list is also the surprise of seeing the choices revealed on a single day). If you post your link below, I will probably delete it. Again, feel free to leave love comments below–in fact, please do leave love comments below–just not your submission for the list. Let’s keep it a surprise until the list is ready to go up.

You can only choose one entry. You cannot be modest. Everyone has a best post. There is no such thing as a boring blog. Even if you don’t think you have any readers because you’ve never received a comment, you have a best post. The one that you felt really good about when you hit publish. The one that would be the post you’d put forward if an editor called you tomorrow and said, “I have this great writing job for you that will pay a million dollars an hour. You just need to submit one blog entry to get this job so we can check your writing style.”

Even if you just found my blog because you read about the Creme de la Creme on another person’s blog, you are not only welcome to submit; you are encouraged. It is the best posts of 2008 for the infertility/loss/adoption community and that community includes anyone who writes about infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, neonatal and infant death, assisted reproduction, and every related topic–from living child-free after infertility to parenting after infertility. Everyone on my enormous blogroll is welcome to participate and everyone I haven’t found yet too. Really, you don’t need to be a regular reader of my blog to join in. It’s open to everyone in the IF/loss/adoption blogosphere. I can’t say this in more ways than that. Which means you don’t need to write me a note asking if it’s okay to participate. The answer is yes. Okay?

Actually, it’s not only “yes” it’s “please do.”

The list will be posted January 1st and I promise that you will use up a good portion of the beginning of the year reading through the most stunning posts you’ve ever seen. We had about 160 posts last year and I’d really like to top that this year. My goal is all 1500+ blogs currently on the blogroll, but baring that, let’s aim for over 200. Which means that not only do you have to participate if you’re reading this, but you need to spread the word and get other bloggers to participate (more on that below). Link to this post, send out a note to other bloggers you like, and suggest favourite posts to bloggers from this past year.

Um…other FAQ-like things:

How many posts can I submit?

You can only submit one. Please don’t submit two and ask me to choose. Submit one.

How will I know that you received my entry?

I will send out a mass email once a day to all of the people who submitted their entry. I use the “bcc” line on the email so that people don’t see each other’s email address. The only drawback is that these emails sometimes go into spam filters. Therefore, once you submit, check your email and spam filter for a day or two. If you don’t hear from me, send me an email if you’re concerned that it didn’t go through. I hate being impersonal like that, but the list took a long time to put together last year hence why I’m starting even earlier this year.

I sent in a post last week but I just wrote one that I love more! Can I switch my submission?

The short answer is no. The reason is that I write up the blurbs that appear next to each entry. This takes a lot of time. When you change your post, I have to write another blurb. Therefore, think carefully. But get your post in early so it’s high up on the list. But take your time picking it so you’re positive it’s the one you want on the list. But don’t give this too much thought…

If you just submitted it an hour earlier and realized you sent the wrong link, email me quickly so I can change it. Once I write the blurb, it’s set. I mean, you can pull your blog from the list, but you can’t submit a different link.

How do I know which one is my best?

Think of this list in sort of the same vein as those “Best American Short Story”-type collections except that it’s blog entries and everyone in the blogosphere should be represented with a link. The idea of the creme de la creme is not to put out there “the best” by someone else’s definition of “best.” It’s to put out the entry that me
ans the most to you. Everyone has a best entry from 2008. It’s the one you would cry about if it was ever eaten by your computer. Even if it’s only meaningful to you.

I’m having a lot of trouble choosing my best one.

Why don’t you give a few choices to a friend and get their opinion? Don’t get hung up on the word “best.” It’s more about presenting a small taste of your blog. A lot of people read the list each January and it’s a chance for them to get to know your blog in one post. The goal, of course, is not only to honour every blog, but to also introduce everyone. Think of it like a cocktail party. You certainly think about what you wear, but everything doesn’t hinge on this one outfit.

I want to submit a post about my dog/favourite recipe/vacation in Hawaii. So…er…it’s not about adoption/infertility/loss. Can I? Or I want to submit a post but it has pictures of my baby in it. Do you think this is okay for an IF list?

Well, this list is sort of a pu-pu platter of the ALI community. Therefore, if your post is about your ski trip last winter, it doesn’t really show any emotion, thought, or event flitting through the community. Still, people have submitted off-topic posts in the past. If you have any part of the post that if ALI-related, all the better though.

The second question is a sensitivity one. Personally, I think that babies are part of the community and territory. The reality is that we’re all working towards parenthood or were once working towards parenthood. And children are included in that. I try to always mention in my blurb if it’s about a baby or if there are photos so people are given a heads up before they click over. So, yes, send posts that have photos in it and I will make sure that people know the gist of the post before they click over if they’re in a sensitive space.

I’m a man. Can I participate?

Are you part of the ALI community? Then didn’t you read above? EVERYONE is invited to participate. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, everyone everyone everyone.

I’m a dog. Can I participate?

Er…a dog with a blog? An infertile dog with a blog? I guess…I mean…I did say everyone…

I just started my blog in October. Can I participate?

As long as you’ve had one post in 2008, you can participate. Even if you didn’t start your blog until October 2008. Just choose your best from the last two months.

My blog is password protected. Can I participate?

If your blog is password protected and you want to participate, choose your blog entry and create a free blog at Blogger or WordPress and post that single entry. Then send me the link so I can place it on the list. I can’t link to password protected blogs.

When is the deadline for getting in my submission?

To ensure that you’re on the list on January 1st, please fill out the form by December 19th. If you submit after December 19, you will be on the list, but you will probably go up after people have started reading on January 1st.

The 2008 list doesn’t technically close until December of 2009. Which means you can always submit to the list. There’s no such thing as “too late.” Of course, getting it in by the deadline would mean that it’s definitely in when I put it up on January 1st and therefore seen by the most people, but you can submit it whenever you wish.

So, just to reiterate–if you submit before December 19th, you will be on the list on January 1st. If you submit between December 20th and 31st, you may be on the list January 1st, but more likely, you’ll be on some point after January 1st.

Can you post another link to the form right now because I’ve decided to submit.

Sure, here’s another link to the form. Just fill it out and hit send and it will go into the Creme de la Creme spreadsheet.

If you don’t want to participate, do nothing. With the Creme de la Creme List, I never add a blog or highlight a post unless the author has sent it to me. Therefore, no hurt feelings. If your post isn’t on the list, it’s because you haven’t sent one. If you see someone missing from the list after it is posted, go bug them and tell them to submit a post. But don’t send me a note asking me to add them without their permission. I really would like this post to be what the author believes is their best post, but if you are feeling shy and can’t choose, enlist a friend to help you narrow it down and choose your best work.

Lastly, there is another section of the list that needs your help: blogs that closed in 2008. These are blogs that closed entirely–the person stopped blogging and said specifically that they were not going to post any longer–not blogs that went password protected. If you read a blog that closed during 2008, please send me the title of the blog. It doesn’t matter if it was read by one person or read by 5000 people, all blogs should be honoured and recognized. And all blogs stand on the same plateau here.

Spread the word with the following button on a post or your sidebar to encourage others to send a link:


The code for adding the link to your blog can be found here.

Everyone has a best post. It is your personal best. It is not best by any other standards. Stop comparing yourself. Stop feeling shy. Stop thinking it’s immodest to toot your own horn when I’ve told you to toot your own horn. Start reading through your archives. Reflect on the year. And then send me a link for the list.

Wheew. Sorry about that last part. But everyone in the blogosphere should be represented and honoured.

Ooops–and if you’re looking for more stuff to do, go read through the posts from the 2007 list and then visit each blog to see how much life can change in a year.

And credit where credit is due: the utensils that are featured in the icon this year come from this website. I love them even if they’re $250. My goal is to feature new cool flatware each year and of course I have to kick it off the Queen and the King.

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

I am missing the beach this weekend–perhaps it is the rainy, damp weather. The first picture is a sandcastle that we made back in September at Rehoboth (we went to the beach for the hurricane because we’re brilliant).

The second picture is of the teacup ride at Funland. We went to the amusement park one night and the ChickieNob braved a toddler boat ride. She decided to ramp it up to the fire engine ride and discovered on the third loop that she was terrified. At first, I thought she was laughing but as she went by again, I could see that she was screaming. I begged the operator to shut-off the ride mid-cycle and I went to scoop her out of her seat.

After she calmed down, I told her that once upon a time, her grandfather had taken me to this very same amusement park to go on the teacup ride. And once the ride began, I became terrifed. He begged the operator to stop the ride and let me off. The ChickieNob and I trekked through the amusement park to face the teacup ride. It looked really small in retrospect. But I loved that I had a father who would get the operator to stop the ride.

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (hint: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog). The list is open from now until late Tuesday night and a new one is posted every week.

So…you may have noticed this week that I’ve gone a bit Kirtsy Krazy (like that? The double “K”s? Does that make me clever?). First and foremost, it’s a great time suck. It’s like tapping into a very cool Google Reader that you can skim. I read the tiny explanations on the post and only click on the ones that interest me. Secondly, it’s pretty much all women so there is a modicum of “this is our space” to it that doesn’t exist for me with Digg.

Which brings to thirdly–I want to see our stuff on the front page and I want other women to find our stuff. We are 12.5% of the child-bearing age population. In America, we are 7.4 million citizens. We are a large portion of the population and our posts are underrepresented there. And we deserve front page space as much as posts about Elizabeth Hurley’s boobs or cute panda bear photos.

So I’m starting to Kirtsy one post per day and writing what I’m Kirtsying on the LFCA under the first category as Kirtsy’d Pick O’ the Day. So far, we have managed to get four out of four posts to the front page of Kirtsy this week. How do you “vote” for something with Kirtsy? Simply by clicking on the title of a story. So it’s two clicks: you click from my link to the post on Kirtsy and then you click on the post’s title. You don’t even need an account with Kirtsy to participate.

I am hoping that (1) you will “vote” so it gets on the front page and can be found by other infertile women who may not yet be part of the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) blogosphere as well as the general public and (2) help me find good posts to Kirtsy.

What makes a good Kirtsy post? Something with staying power. Something that doesn’t require you to know a person’s backstory in order to jump into the post. Something that presents a “how-to” or stands as a quintessential post to the experience. Angry Infertile’s Noob List is fantastic–you can read it well into the future and it still makes sense. A post about a fight with your husband–not so much. I mean, it may make for a great read, but it isn’t going to move up the ranks in Kirtsy.

Good:

• Anything that gives insight into the experience (a blow-by-blow of your HSG)
• Anything that presents a “how to” or gives a guide (such as AI’s Noob List)
• Anything that kicks off an ongoing project (such as Perfect Moment Mondays)
• Anything that stands as an example of part of the ALI experience (the day you matched, your first retrieval, getting the diagnosis, etc).

Not Good:

• Anything so personal that it’s not accessible without knowing the backstory.
• Anything that is so all-over-the-place that it can’t be summed up in a sentence or two.
• Anything that is just your average post (do you know what I mean? The one you’ll never remember two days from now).

If you’re considering using it for the Creme de la Creme, if it is something that you wish could get a larger audience, if you think you have something that could give insight to an outsider, please send it my way. Either your own stuff or something you read along the way. I will not be able to Kirtsy everything and I may not write back about each post (I feel like a tremendous bitch writing that and I’m apologizing in advance), but I will read everything and try to get a balance out there of experiences and types of posts. Email me the permalink for the post with the word “Kirtsy” in the subject line.

Please help out also by voting for Kirtsy’d posts. That is how they actually reach the front page. I’m trying to keep Kirtsying to a minimum so the site is not flooded and the voting watered down. Hence why I may not be able to Kirtsy everything that comes in or everything I find on my own. But I’ll put the posts I’ve Kirtsy’d in the news section of the LFCA.

Do you need a drink?

I really need a drink.

It’s interesting–I am usually quite a messy person emotionally. I need to deal with things NOW. I need to talk about things NOW and know the answer NOW. I sort of disregard setting, time, and situation just to deal with things that are affecting me emotionally in the moment.

And this has been a very male moment for me. A sort of compartmentalization. When we woke up this morning, Josh wanted to talk about it more and I just felt sort of settled about the whole thing. Like it is a box currently on the table and I’ve not only decided not to open it for the moment, but I’ve also stacked a few magazines over it and yesterday’s mail and it is quite obvious that I’m simply not dealing with it right now.

Maybe because I know the box is empty? What is the point in opening it?

I guess it is like this: when I was leaving Massachusetts, I overpacked the car and started back towards Maryland. I decided to stop off in Northampton even though it wasn’t really on my way to grab a cup of juice at the Haymarket. It had been a really happy space for me in this really unhappy place and it was like grabbing an old sweater out of the donation box to try it on one last time before Goodwill came to pick up your clothes.

When I got into the Hay, the person who was the reason I was completing the rest of my graduate degree from Maryland instead of staying in Massachusetts was sitting in my coffee house. He saw me and I saw him and he gave me this completely self-satisfied look that made me want to (1) kick the pretentious book he was reading out of his hands and then (2) kick him in the face and then (3) as he held his face, knee him in the balls.

Or scratch all of his skin off. Either/or.

It was my choice to leave Massachusetts and it was my decision how I was choosing to react to him or see that moment. But by fuck–you have got to be kidding me–I couldn’t believe he was going to be the last person I saw as I left town. I grabbed my orange juice and went back to my car and sat in it crying for a bit. I was kicking myself for stopping for the drink because if I had kept driving past Northampton, the last person I would have seen would have been my roommate. I kept waiting for someone to walk by that I knew so I could count them as the last person I saw leaving the state. Finally, I had to leave–I could not spend my whole day waiting in my overpacked car (and, knowing my luck, I would finally see someone and then he would walk out of the Haymarket ruining it yet again!).

As I pulled away, I finally saw someone I somewhat knew. She was this woman who worked in a candy shop. She was divorced and gave us relationship advice when we’d stop in to get candy before going to the Academy to see a movie. I really loved talking to her because she was very bitter and sometimes, you need to spend time with someone who is harsh and holds you to reality instead of allowing you to float away. I decided to count her as the last person I saw and I felt like I could finally leave Massachusetts in peace.

Had anything really changed in seeing her? Of course not. I was still leaving and everything that came before that point still remained. But I will always be eternally grateful for seeing the candy shop woman walking down the street as I left town. It simply flipped a switch in me and allowed me to see the door firmly shut instead of visualizing his boot-clad foot wedging open the door.

That is the best way I can describe last night. It was like seeing the candy shop woman.

I really do need a drink.

It has been a little under a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.