It has been over 9 years since I’ve watched the news.  A few days after we entered the war in Afghanistan, I decided that I couldn’t watch the news anymore.  I couldn’t watch the images.  NPR followed a few months later.  I dipped in and out of newspapers for the last few years.  Somehow, you pick up what is happening in the world via osmosis; it just seeps into your skin as you ride the Metro or walk through the streets.

At 10:30 pm, we climbed into bed to watch the news on CNN.  At first, I was half on Twitter, joking through the anxiety.  And then as the news started leaking out, I set down the computer and stared at the television screen.

And I could feel this strange sadness bubbling up into my throat as we waited for the announcement.  That whatever was said wouldn’t erase everything that came before.  That I didn’t feel necessarily safer.  Every time the newscasters repeated the troops killed, the people lost in the attacks, it felt like nothing could ever be done to overcome the devastation of the last almost ten years.

I was so relieved that this person wasn’t in the world anymore.  It is strange to celebrate someone’s death.  It made me feel like I wanted to cry and couldn’t.  Like how words collect on the tip of the tongue, my tears were strangely caught somewhere between my windpipe and the lump in my throat.

Today, May 1st, was Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day.  Back in college, we used to sit in a cage on Library Mall and read the names of the millions who were lost.  Not the entire list, of course, but a scattering of names.  We had been talking around the Holocaust at dinner, trying to figure out what the twins had picked up about history.

I opened the computer again to write this.  To try to take this out of my head.  I have a feeling I’m going to start crying soon — I’m not even sure why I’m crying except that it’s a release.

And the President begins to speak.

Almost 10 years ago, I collected the reactions of my students on 9/11 as we waited in lockdown in our classroom until we were released from school early.  So I’ll ask this question now to pool our words in a single space; the bookend to that moment.  What was your reaction to the news?

I was on an Internet radio show with Dina Roth Port (who wrote the Huffington Post article asking us to speak more openly about infertility) and Barbara Collura (Resolve), and you can listen to it here.  It’s available for download at iTunes.  The theme for the show: “Can We Create Infertility Awareness Without Breaking the Silence?”

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the show after you listen.

*******

There has been a request to compile a list of bloggers attending the BlogHer conference this summer in San Diego.  List yourself in the comment section below and I’ll compile a list.  If you’re not attending the conference but you live close enough to San Diego to stop by for lunch, let me know that too.  When you leave a comment, it asks for your email address.  I can create a bcc list (so people won’t see your email address) and mail out details for the lunch plan once they’re in place.

ALI Bloggers Going to BlogHer List
(* connotes that they’re not going to the conference but live in the area)

• Stirrup Queens
• Unwellness
• Problem Uterus*
• Creating Motherhood
• Dragondreamer’s Lair
• Who else?

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We had a rockin’ time watching the wedding on Friday.  At first, the ChickieNob wanted to be a princess too.  Then we talked about all the things Kate can’t do anymore — it just wouldn’t be proper to hang out in Chincoteague at Famous Pizza in flip flops and a sun-bleached t-shirt advertising a college.  And after some more thought, the ChickieNob decided that she wanted to go back to her original plan to be a rock star (she’s going to play electric bass) and asked if we could get a scooter.  So we went out and got scooters (you know, those pre-skateboard things) and rode around my parent’s neighbourhood for a bit.  And talked about how Kate Middleton can’t really skate around anymore, at least not in a random neighbourhood with other skateboarders.  Not that she was ever really skateboarding in the first place. (Or perhaps she was.  Perhaps Kate and Pippa used to ride the half-pipe.)

I’m not sure if this is a Jewish thing (we are a demonstrative people) or an American thing (we are also a demonstrative people), but that kiss was not a kiss.  You should not be able to blink and miss a wedding kiss.  I’m not saying that you need tongue, but that kiss that they had?  That’s my “welcome home” kiss for when Josh walks in the door at night.  That’s my “thanks for making me a cup of ice cream” kiss.  My kiss goodnight is longer than that one.  Trying not to judge their kiss since I’m aware that most people are more reserved than I am and who knows what took place behind closed doors, but damn.  That’s the kiss we all were waiting for?

That was like someone asking you if you wanted chocolate and after you say yes, handing you a chocolate chip.  And you’re supposed to be happy because you got a piece of chocolate… but not really.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The list is now closed.  The June list will open on 5/30.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Trying to conceive (IVF, MFI, waiting)
3. Here We Go Again (dead baby, parenting, random)
4. As Good As It Gets (infertility, parenting, adoption)
5. My Pathway to Motherhood (SMC, parenthood, life)
6. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
7. Navigating Cyberloss (online loss, grief, coping)
8. Tippy & Tidy’s Tumultuous Trip To Toddlers (TTC#1, IVF, unexplained)
9. Everyone else but me (parenting after IVF, feelings, ectopic pregnancy project)
10. Sticky Feet (parenting, twins, recipes)
11. Write Mind Open Heart (open adoption, mindfulness, perfect moments)
12. Our Twisty Turny Journey (infertility, donor egg, cancer)
13. My Hormonacoaster (FET, soap-making, staying positive)
14. Bio Girl (parenting, family, FET for #2)
15. I’m a Smart One (parenthood after infertility, surrogacy)
16. Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey with Infertility (ivf, hypothyroidism/unexplained infertility, graduate school)
17. Life in Finland – Elämä Suomessa (infertility, life, randomness)
18. Lifeslurper (ivf, over 45, donor eggs)
19. for all the things we hope for (unexplained infertility, nursing school, miscarriage)
20. The 2 Week Wait (humor, ttc, ivf)
21. SurlyMama (SMC, IUI, 2ww)
22. My Seriously Broken Oven (recurrent pregnancy loss, adoption)
23. Ready for my baby bump (trying to conceive)
24. Singular Desire (SMC, miscarriage, over 40)
25. My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands (simplifying life, culture, Netherlands)
26. A Year On… Our New Beginning {hopefully} (stillbirth, infertility, IVF)
27. The Ladies in Waiting Book Club (book club, support, friendship)
28. The Pursuit of Pregnancy (RPL, DOR, clotting disorder)
29. Failed Genetics (adoption, infertility, life)
30. Motherhood Meets Me (internat’l adoption, parenting)
31. Compromised Fertility (PCOS, life & leisure, IUI)
32. Someday (mfi, first trimester, emotions)
33. Planet hausfrau (kids, crafts, gardening)
34. Created Family (unexplained infertility, pregnancy, graduate school)
35. Trying for a baby (TTC, FET/IVF, endometriosis)
36. A Page In My Book (IF grad, parenting, everyday life)
37. MissConception (pcos, ivf, ttc#1)
38. Project Happily Ever After (family, life, infertility)
39. The Road Less Traveled (pregnancy after loss, embryo donation)
40. all i ever wished for (if, fet, 2WW)
41. Mommy Odyssey (repeated miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, trying to be funny about it)
42. Olive You (sarcasm, infertility, marriage)
43. The Inadequate Conception (infertility, humor, new book)
44. My Lady of the Lantern (neonatal loss, recovering, TTC again)
45. Feeling Beachie (life, humor, family)
46. Zygotta is Getting Pregnant (pcos, treatment, fiction)
47. Wistfulgirl’s World (life, infertility, weight loss)
48. Modern Medicine Miracle (infertility, IUI, donor sperm)
49. The Long Way Around (trying to conceive, miscarriage, pcos)
50. The Birds and The Bees (ivf #4, immature eggs, fet)
51. Meier Madness (fertility weightloss life)
52. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (infertility, advocacy, hope)
53. Lissie’s Luck (PCOS, IVF, life)
54. Because Two People Fell In Love (love, life, family)
55. The One In Eight Couple (TTC #1, infertility, hope)
56. A Peek into our Journey (PCOS, first IVF)
57. Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage (TTC#1, TCM, hope)
58. No Suzy Homemaker (IVF, RPL, stillbirth)
59. Exploring Chaos (IVF, TWW, parenting)
60. Poor Lucky Me (neonatal loss, trying again)
61. MommyForward (motherhood, self-improvement, adoption)
62. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
63. My Infertile Confessions (pregnant with twins after IVF)
64. The Stork Drop Zone (humor, infertility, positivity)
65. I Believe In Miracles (parenting, infertility, adoption)
66. For We Are Bound by Symmetry (ttc#1, unexplained infertility, ivf?)
67. Barrenista (infertility, adoption, fancy cupcakes)
68. I Want to be a Daddy (male infertility experience)
69. Whitney & Erick (RPL, last IVF try, adoption?)
70. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (domestic adoption, adoptee, life)
71. I’m Very Far Away (infertility, IUI, asia)
72. The Pitter-Patter (pregnancy, loss, marrakech)
73. Did I Eat? (pregnancy, twins, high risk)
74. Embracing the Rain (mfi, dor, rpl)
75. A Toddler, A Triathlete and an Entrepreneur (secondary infertility, failed IVF, running)
76. GoTeamBaby (ivf, infertility, hope)
77. Bring on the Babies… (miscarriage, ivf, infertility)
78. Everyday is a Winding Road (infertility, running, IVF)
79. His & Her Infertility (Just Like The Matching Towels) (PCOS, azoo, international adoption)
80. That’s My Answer (question of the day, life, fun)
81. The Journey to Baby G (ivf, israel, anxiety)
82. The Deep Silence of a Long-Suffering Heart (mfi, ivf, miscarriage)
83. Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers (fet, life/teaching, adoption)
84. One Wheeler’s World (infertility, healing, life)
85. Weathering the Storm (adoption, thoughts, life)
86. Not Exactly What I Had Planned (severe mfi, ivf, icsi)
87. the misadventures of missohkay (pregnancy loss, adoption)
88. Adventures of Endo in the Arctic (endometriosis IVF infertility)
89. Holly’s Narractive Dream (secondary infertility coping)
90. The Rocky Road to Motherhood (pregnancy after infertility)
91. Marriage 2.0 (ttc, miscarriage, adoption)
92. Not Just an Army Wife (infertility, pregnancy loss, iui)
93. This Hampton Life of Mine (infertility, photography, mommy)
94. Articulation (life, books, randomness)
95. IFSerenityNow (ivf, loss, pregnancy)
96. Almost All The Truth (green, parenting, change)
97. Mommy In Waiting (pregnant, twins, IVF#4)
98. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, parenting after 40)
99. Cradles and Graves (pregnant after 2nd tri losses & infertility)
100. Diary of a Residency Widow (life in residency, PCOS, TTC)
101. One day at a time (army, torn, weight loss)
102. The Life of Miss Conception (cancer survivor, high FSH, miracle pregnancy)
103. A Summers Thoughts (parenting, cooking, family)
104. Journey To The End Of The Rainbow (ivf, success, motherhood)
105. Dealing with DOR (infertility, DOR, Creighton)
106. Searching for the Missing Piece (adoption, repeated miscarriage, creativity)
107. Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying (infertility, PCOS, life)
108. Plans Change (adoption, pregnancy, infertility)
109. Bun(less) in the oven (infertility, no sperm, donor sperm)
110. Just us and the cat (fet, tubelessness, life)
111. carney exploits (infertility, unemployment, life)
112. G-d Doesn’t Make Mistakes (daughter, rpl, hope)
113. IUI to Roux-en-Y (surgery prep, weight loss, IF)
114. The Second Act (pregnant over 40, miscarriage, parenting)
115. Getting There (adoption, settling in, life)
116. We’re Making a Baby (IVF, twins, depression)
117. This is your brain on the verge of cracking (life(ish) after loss)
118. Storm in My Teacup (IVF#2 greyhound VW Bus)
119. Praying for a Little Miracle (miscarriage, coping, moving forward)
120. Our Little Family’s Journey (ttc#2, fet#1, pregnant)
121. wanna bee (adoption, loss, craftiness)
122. The Daily Miracle (secondary if, newly pregnant with # 2 thanks to IVF, humour)
123. Parenting After Infertility and Stillbirth (infertility, stillbirth, parenting)
124. Traditionally Nontraditional (infertility, TTC, life)
125. Infertility: A Diary (infertility, emotions, eggs)
126. Cats With Passports (baby after ivf, fet, autoimmune issues)
127. Bean Dreams (infertility, hope, motherhood)
128. Always Plus One (loss, pregnancy, life)
129. May I Please Have More (secondary infertility)
130. Four of a Kind (parenting, secondary infertility, loss)
131. Waiting For That Positive (IF, male factor, being positive)
132. Chois-R-Us (adoption, parenting, life)
133. Life’s Everyday Adventures! (everyday life, randomness)
134. All Aboard the Pity Boat (life, infertility, running)
135. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (parenting after RPL, cooking, life)
136. Rainbow Making 101 (miscarriage, ttc, fertility)
137. From the Heart of Alicia Marie (ttc, pcos, infertility)
138. Our Life Journey (infertility, faith, life)
139. The Lightness of Being on the Bike (biking, culture, travel)
140. The list is now closed.  The June list will open on 5/30.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is yellow, the next month it will be red, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

As you read this, I am watching the royal wedding.  Not only did I keep the kids out of school for this, but the reason I gave for their absence was “watching the royal wedding” because I have no shame.  We are eating tea sandwiches and scones and speaking in terrible British accents. (The ChickieNob has been practicing for days!)  I am not wearing a hat even though that was part of the original plan because I have two more things I need to go to today and I don’t want hat hair.

I shaved my legs for this.

We’re watching it with my mother because I watched Diana’s wedding with my mother.  And we are dressed up because this is a party, damnit.

Silly, yes, but 10 years from now, I suspect the twins will remember how their mother let them stay home from school to watch this wedding.  They’ll remember the scones and how the ChickieNob and I both wore tiaras.  What they would have never remembered was a random day of kindergarten.

So I am watching it.  Without shame.  And I’ll cry when they kiss.  Just because I’m like that.

Are you watching?  What is your favourite moment thus far (or, if you’re reading this after the wedding, what was your favourite moment overall)?

*******

ComOnNaPro (Comment on NaBloPoMo Prompt): Talk about the best wedding you ever attended.

*******

There have been so many fantastic myth-busting posts this week for NIAW.  I chose one for the Roundup, but wanted to give people a chance to list their NIAW post so people could read ones they missed.  Feel free to add your blog post below.  Please use the permalink url for the post and not the main url for your blog.  I will be deleting the entries that simply go to a main url for a blog since they’re meaningless for people searching for NIAW posts in the future.  This linky list will close next Friday.

Now go bust some myths.

*******

And now, the blogs…

Forever Reaching explains that not every person without children is that way by choice.  She explains what led them to resolve their infertility by living child-free after going through a long, emotional journey through treatments.  She explains, “We want children, we really do. But we wanted our lives, our selves, our marriage back from the black hole infertility brought them to.”  Infertility changed them and by default, changed their relationship.  I love this post because it points out the far-reaching effects of infertility.  It’s not just about a uterus; it’s about your heart.

The Other End of the Speculum has a post about taking a break from Facebook.  She has been posting information for NIAW online.  She writes, “Apparently, my blogs and postings have begun to ‘annoy’ some people on my friends list. They have commented and messaged me about my incessant infertility posts.”  And she asks an excellent question: “I don’t understand, if women are allowed to post status updates about their ‘baby bumps’ and ‘pregnancy woes’, why am I not allowed to post informative blogs and articles regarding infertility?”  The post continues on to explain how infertility has changed her.  Great opportunity for discussion.

Lastly, Serenity Now has a post about knowing that she’s done, but balancing that with reactions on the Internet.  This is one of the most brilliant insights I’ve read in a while: “Part of my responsibility of being a blogger, I think, is really grasping the idea that my readers have a lot of different mind-views when they read what I’ve written. Understanding that the comments I receive on my posts are infused with other mind-view. Which is sort of like going on a journey in someone else’s viewpoint. Except that right now, I’m in a place in my life where I want to really understand MYSELF.”  Go over and read the whole post.

*******

The roundup to the Roundup: I’m watching the royal wedding, are you?  Answer ComOnNaPro (best wedding you ever attended).  Add your NIAW post to the linky feature or visit some blogs.  And lots of great blog posts to read.

Sometimes, when I tell people about the community I’ve met online, they respond that the Internet freaks them out.  They ask the usual questions — how do I know that I’m speaking to an actual infertile woman and not a 14-year-old boy living in Kansas?  And I tell them that I don’t know beyond a gut sense that my internal radar usually rings when something doesn’t sound quite right (and yes, I have encountered people online that my gut tells me not to believe or trust).

These people talk about cyberbullying and people oversharing and all of the arguments people have against the Internet, and while I know from years of teaching that this underbelly exists, it is so not a part of the online world I inhabit that I can forget as I sit here on my neat and supportive suburban online street (with well-manicured blogs and friendly emails being sent over our white picket fences) that there are dark and strange back alleys.

And then you read an article like this one on Kiki Kannibal and you suddenly shudder as you see the complete inverse of our ALI community.  It’s a long, horrifying read.

I had never heard of Kiki Kannibal prior to Jenna telling me about her when she emailed me someone’s post about the situation.  The gist of it is that this Florida girl named Kirsten Ostrenga started a MySpace page and created an online persona for herself; a more outspoken, bolder, sexier version of herself named Kiki Kannibal.  She posted pictures of herself in provocative outfits and poses.  She videotaped herself nattering on about whatever comes to mind… in other words, minus the sexy pictures (unless you are massively turned on by a greying-haired woman in Batman t-shirts) what we all sort of do on our blogs.

She turned to the Internet because she wasn’t finding support in her face-to-face world.  She had trouble finding peers who understood her (sound familiar?)  I mean, isn’t that why so many of us went online — to connect with like-minded others?  I had friends in my face-to-face world who were infertile — some who even went to the same clinic.  But I still wanted to surround myself with others who said “me too” when I stated how I saw the world.

Kiki found other teens like her online and enjoyed the social aspect that comes from being with your own.  And then it turned ugly.  The Rolling Stone article states:

She didn’t realize the Web can be a portal for people’s cruelest impulses, or that it allows those forces to assemble into a mob. She didn’t know that her life was about to become an extreme parable about connection and celebrity in the digital age — that the next four years would be fraught with danger, threats to her family, and a violent death. She had yet to understand what a lot of us don’t comprehend: that our virtual lives can take on their own momentum, rippling outward with real-life consequences we can neither predict nor control.

It is difficult to imagine something like this playing out in our community, but I can say that one of the only comments I’ve ever deleted (beyond spam) was one that said how thrilled the commenter was about another blogger’s miscarriage.  That incident made me feel ill — I can’t really imagine Kiki’s world.

Nor can I really fathom her reaction to all of it, her desire to stay online.  Or the decisions her parents’ made.  But, then again, I’ve never walked in their shoes so I don’t truly know the decisions I’d make in the moment without the gift of retrospection.  It’s easy for all of us to sit back and judge as we see the story that has already happened unfold on paper.

And, at the same time, I’ve never completely understood why the Internet is held up as a different playing field since all the negativity that we see on the Internet could play out without the Internet.  People can still bully, still humiliate, still have dumb-ass moments archived for posterity.  You don’t need a computer to do all that.  Part of me sees the futility in leaving the Internet as well.  In a world where any person can technically torment any other person, how in the world do you actually run?  How in the world do you ever stop running?

It is hard to imagine that the very same tool that brings me enormous comfort and support is the very same tool that brought all this destruction to this family’s life.