I wasn’t going to go to BlogHer this year.  Back in the winter, I was having a bit of a nervous breakdown and Josh suggested that I take one thing off my plate that gave me anxiety.  Flying to California by myself was one of the things keeping me up at night, so we removed it from my plate and it instantly made all other things feel manageable.  It’s funny how you can trick the mind that way.

Then Elisa wrote me to see if I’d speak during Pathfinder Day, the pre-conference conference.  It sounded really cool, and suddenly BlogHer was back on the table.  The anxiety was back too, though so many things had been added to my plate since I originally removed the trip that it now felt more like a dull buzz than a scream.

I am not great with flying.  Actually, that’s really an understatement.  I am terrible with flying.  I am so anxious on a plane that I can’t think.  I usually sit, staring straight ahead.  In case you were planning on suggesting that we go on a tour of Europe together, I wanted to let you know that I don’t make the best travel partner.  At least getting there. (I’m usually fine once I’m on the ground and I pick up new languages quickly so… perhaps if you could just ignore me until we reach our destination I’d be a more attractive choice of travel partner.)

I am anxious about being so far from home; so far from everyone I love.  I am anxious about being in a big crowd and finding people I’m looking for.  I’m anxious about the logistics — eating or getting from point A to point B.

I am not anxious about the actual Pathfinder Day.  I’m actually very excited to talk writing and publishing with fellow writers.  I am grateful to be asked to be a part of it.  It sounds like a way to take a very big conference and make it small.  I hope to connect with a lot of people that pre-conference day and it will carry me through the conference.

I always have a good time once I’m there.  When I get home, I’m happy I went.

I am not sure how much I’ll be able to blog through this conference.  I’m trying to travel light; that theme of shedding things has carried through the whole year.  I’ve created ways to blog from small objects, so while you may not get my deepest thoughts until I get home, I will hopefully get to throw up some pictures of ALI bloggers I meet along the way.

Just promise me that things are going to be okay because that’s where I am today.  Taking deep breaths.

Harry Potter turns 31 today.  He was luckily born the same year as my brother, which is also a nice round year on the calendar, so it’s easy to keep his age straight (thank you, Ms. Rowling).  Which means that the great battle took place in June of 1997.

I wonder if he had a birthday party that year.  I mean, despite the good that came from that, his world was also shattered with all the loss; with what he witnessed.  I wonder if he felt like digging into some chocolate cake a few weeks after that fight.

Which made me think about where I was on Harry Potter’s birthday back in 1997; what was happening in my life as he was recovering from battling Voldemort.

I was living in Massachusetts, working at a camp where I taught art.  I lived in a co-op for free in exchange for being the handywoman/point person.  My grandfather died, and I was heartbroken.  I stopped weeding our co-op’s garden and the strawberries overtook the plot of land.  I had just completed my translation project for graduate school.  I had a crush on a boy named Pete, but we would have been terrible together, so we didn’t date.  I babysat a lot.  Dave Matthew’s video for “Crash” seemed to always be playing when I turned on MTV.  I ate vegetable sandwiches pretty much for every single meal that summer so I must have also had three on his birthday.

A really ordinary life.  You juxtapose that with the birthday Harry Potter must have been having.  Were people lining up to give him presents, grateful for all that he did for them?  Was Ms. Weasley holding up her hand and saying, “I know it’s your birthday, Harry, but my heart just isn’t capable of whipping up a cake and streamers for you just now.”

What were you doing at the end of July 1997 on Harry Potter’s birthday?

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere — blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The list is now closed.  The September list will open on the 1st.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. The 2 Week Wait (ttc, infertility, pregnancy)
3. Feeling Beachie (life, humor, cats)
4. Somewhere in the Middle (infertility, DIA, waiting)
5. Mommy Odyssey (miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, generally crazy)
6. Babylicious Tales (parenting, first time mom, work)
7. Here We Go Again (parenting, random, babyloss)
8. Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey with Infertility (international adoption, graduate school, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis)
9. Tippy & Tidy’s Tumultuous Trip To Toddlers (TTC#1, IVF, unexplained)
10. MoJo Working (infertility, IVF veteran, miscarriage)
11. It’s Definitely Possible (SMC, pregnancy, birth options)
12. BattleFish (life, if/ivf, random)
13. The One in Eight Couple (unexplained infertility, gearing up for IUI #1, hope)
14. The Journey to Baby G (IVF, FET, expat)
15. Walking An Unknown Path (miscarriage, life, unexplained infertility)
16. CD1 Again (infertility, life, taking a break)
17. Created Family (unexplained infertility, miscarriage, social work)
18. for all the things we hope for (infertility, hiking, doula work)
19. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
20. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (parenting after IF/RPL, books, cooking)
21. Life As I Know It (parenting, life, random)
22. Digital-Damita.net (frugal, green, ttc over a year)
23. Donor Diva: Mother via Egg Donation (egg donation, infertility, parenting)
24. Marriage 2.0 (domestic adoption, weight loss, life)
25. Not Just An Army Wife (iui, miscarriage, military)
26. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (adopting #2, parenting, life)
27. Lissie’s Luck (IVF results ???)
28. Write Mind Open Heart (open adoption, mindfulness, perfect moments)
29. The Oregon Tail (motherhood, moving, toddlers)
30. Becoming Parents (ART, recurrent pregnancy loss, TTC #1)
31. Wonderfully Ordinary (TTC again, infertility, parenting)
32. Lifeslurper (IVF, over forty, donor eggs)
33. Compromised Fertility (PCOS, FET, TTC #1)
34. InDueTime (life, infertility, college)
35. Ambition: Motherhood (diui, mfi, hope)
36. No Suzy Homemaker (pregnant after losses)
37. Meier Madness (PCOS, IUI take 2, gardening)
38. PursuingParenthood (weight loss for fall IUI, firefighter’s wife, orthodoxy)
39. Mommy-In-Waiting (pregnant, twins, IVF#4)
40. I Believe In Miracles (RPL, motherhood after adoption)
41. Funny Little Pollywogs (embryo adoption, photography, food)
42. Infertile is the New Black (infertility, ttc, coping)
43. A Miracle in the Works (DOR, IUI, TTC after a loss)
44. Acorn Chronicles (work/life balance, parenting, sarcasm)
45. I Want to be a Daddy (male infertility experience)
46. The Days of Our Lives (infertility, faith, adoption)
47. Bring on the Babies… (IVF, recurrent pregnancy loss, miscarriage)
48. lifeinflux (life changes, parenting, life goals)
49. A Little Hope in My Pocket (pregnancy loss, infertility, life)
50. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
51. MyJourney7283 (ttc, infertility, miscarriage)
52. Trying To Conceive (pregnancy after IVF)
53. Plan B(aby) for an SMBC (ivf, smbc, faith)
54. Poor Lucky Me (pregnant again after loss)
55. TheFertilityDaily (free IVF contest, infertility, humor)
56. Articulation (life, faith, random stuff)
57. MommyForward (motherhood, self-improvement, adoption)
58. Climber’s Blog Gone Mommy (climbing, donor eggs, twins)
59. We’re Making a Baby (twin pregnancy (again), parenting, life after IF)
60. Traditionally Nontraditional (infertility, life, humor)
61. The Road Less Traveled (parenthood after embryo adoption)
62. Kate; Uncensored (life, depression, relationships)
63. Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket (parenting after IVF)
64. Someday (azoospermia, IVF pregnancy, birth choices)
65. This Hampton Life of Mine (secondary infertility, pcos, iui)
66. For We Are Bound by Symmetry (ttc#1, unexplained infertility, ivf#1?)
67. A Mommy Summers Thoughts (being mom & wife)
68. Survive and Thrive (infertility, laparoscopy, dogs)
69. My Lady of the Lantern (neonatal loss, grief, pregnant again)
70. Cablearms (miscarriage, life, photography)
71. Zero Guarantees (after 10 years, twins on the way)
72. Eggs In A Row (pcos, infertility, coping)
73. MommyForward (motherhood, self-improvement, adoption)
74. The Rocky Road to Motherhood (parenting after IVF)
75. Taking the Long Way (pregnant, rpl (miscarriage and ectopic), hope)
76. Write, Baby, Repeat (open adoption, DE pregnancy, parenting)
77. Better, Not Bitter (infertility, pcos, trying to be better)
78. Holly’s Narrative Dream (secondary infertility, coping, life)
79. Many Waters (life, faith and music)
80. Flogging the Muse (art, painting, creativity)
81. …and it is here that we dance! (faith, family, life)
82. Rasta Less Traveled (donor egg, surrogacy in India, infertility)
83. It’s Just Us Chickens (ivf1, ttc, mfi)
84. Let’s Conversate About Irregardless (ivf, 80s, sarcasm)
85. A Page In My Book (family (IF grad), recipes, everyday life)
86. Infertile Follies (infertility, FET, ectopic pregnancy)
87. Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying (pregnancy loss, infertility, life)
88. The Infertility Doula (support, advice, news)
89. Jenn The Infertile (TTC, MFI, infertility)
90. Exploring Chaos (infertility, tww, ttc#2)
91. TTC Baby E (pcos, ttc#1, ivf#1)
92. Life in the White House (donor sperm, life, pregnancy)
93. The Ladies in Waiting Book Club (infertility, books, community)
94. Whitney & Erick (RPL, adoption?, celiac)
95. Buck Up, Buttercup (early pregnancy after loss, creativity, outdoors)
96. Endo&Beyond (infertility, endometriosis, food)
97. A Greater Yes (embryo adoption, parenting, infertility)
98. Cradles and Graves (multiple losses, ivf, rainbow!)
99. Empty Whole (MFI, brain injury, next?)
100. The Barreness (art, memories, infertility)
101. Mission: Fertile Soul (infertility, adoption, happiness)
102. From IF to When (international, adoption, newbie)
103. Fertile in G-d’s Timing (faith, infertility, waiting on G-d)
104. Your Mom Doesn’t Really Love Christmas (gender, family, motherhood)
105. GoTeamBaby (ivf, hope, infertility)
106. Bean Dreams (infertility, hope, IUI)
107. Embracing the Rain (mthfr, dor, rpl)
108. The Infertility Overachievers (pregnant after IVF)
109. Cammie.Me (parenting, unemployed, cooking)
110. Grimm Tales (parenting, life, humor)
111. wanna bee (adoption, loss, craftiness)
112. The list is now closed.  The September list will open on the 1st.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments – 12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is purple, the next month it will be yellow, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

I have been double-fisting Jon Ronson’s books this summer, which sounds far dirtier than is actually the case.  What happened was that I really wanted to read The Psychopath Test after downloading the sample from Kindle.  But I got squeamish over the idea of reading about psychopaths and having the book in my house (Ronson thinks he’s neurotic, but he obviously has nothing on me).

I knew I liked his earlier book, Them (I used it in a sociology class I taught), so I decided to get The Men Who Stare at Goats for the beach, feeling that it was a less-scary alternative to the more current The Psychopath Test.  But midway through the paper version of Men Who Stare at Goats, I got an electronic version of The Psychopath Test (which isn’t as scary as I feared).  So now I had two Ronson books at the same time — one that I could read on the beach (paper) and one that I could read in the hotel room (electronic).

And both are fantastic.

He’s first and foremost an excellent writer with a knack for choosing subjects that with very little work become infinitely interesting.  An article about Al Dunlop in a newspaper may not hold my interest.  A chapter about Al Dunlop in Ronson’s very capable hands becomes fodder for dinner conversation as you relay what you just read.  Both were literally the type of books that (1) you want to read with others so you can all talk about it and (2) make you forgo other activities so you can read another chapter.

Really really good reads.

Well done, Mr. Ronson.

So that is my beach read recommendation: something you can jump in and out of effortlessly because you always remember where you left off.  What are your beach read recommendations for anyone looking for a book?  I mean, beyond Life from Scratch.  Which, I heard, rocks.

*******

Plans are underway (thank you, Kristin!) to grab lunch/dinner at BlogHer.  If you’re going to the conference or will be in the San Diego area, go over and let her know so you stay in the loop.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “On This Day” (Slowmamma)
• “Living with Infertility, Take Two” (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed)
• “Don’t Wanna Be All By Myself” (The Pursuit of Pregnancy)
• “Right Where I Am” (Still Life with Circles)
• “Livin’ the Dream” (Not Imitation Cheese)
• “Typepad is the Devil” (Smartness)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Still Life with Circles has a lovely series of snippets about her Beezuz, Thor, and Lucy, and I thought the simplicity of jumping from thought to thought really showed her reach as a writer.  The snippet that particularly got to me was the one about the unacknowledged waves to the pigs.

Are You Kidding Me gets to the heart of the matter with life on the Internet, with a word of helpful advice: if it bothers you, get off of it.  It’s as simple as turning off the computer.  But I do love her unpacking of blogs and social media sites.

I LOVE this post by Edenland about the sign next to her bed.  You will need to click over to see what it says, but I think it’s something everyone should post in their eye-line upon awakening (or your own variation).  And it’s this piece of honesty that I makes this post brilliant: “I battle with severe – and I mean HUGE self-esteem issues. My thinking can get all warped and slide into paranoia, delusions, extreme fear. It’s really bad, and sometimes I spiral down so very low. Like that fucked-up dreg from a piece of soap that nobody wants to wash themselves with.”

Lastly, Finding My New Normal had a dream about rainbows and explains how this ties in to her current donor egg cycle.  She writes: “So what started as dates on a piece of paper has turned into something that may actually happen.”  The words are infused with her excitement; her nervousness, her happiness, her embracement of hope.  Cheer her on for this leg of the journey.

The roundup to the Roundup: My beach read book recommendations — what are yours?  Will you be at BlogHer and do you want to get together?  And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between July 22nd and July 29th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

On multiple listservs that I’m on (including Prompt-ly!), the same article has been floated out for discussion.  Adweek’s article on creating child-free spaces by banning children has a subtitle: “A new marketing movement aims to protect the childless from germy broods.”

I understand how it could be enticing, especially since I often go through phases where I simply don’t want to see babies.  Even though I have children, it doesn’t mean I’m cool always being around children (especially stranger’s children; I’m usually always okay around the babies of friends and family), and babies can be salt in a very open wound.  There are also times when we go out, let’s say to a film, and we don’t expect nor want to see children there.  We’d like to see the film uninterrupted, and a child kept up past a normal bedtime is probably going to become disruptive.  So I totally get that desire to know without a doubt that you will not be encountering a child in certain places.

And I still wouldn’t patron a business that made that decision for the parent.

This is my feeling on bans and how I gauge my feelings on them.  I replace the word “children” with another group.  Would everyone support a ban on Jews in movie theaters?  Why not?  We’re freakin’ loud as all get out and we talk through films.  We leave our cell phones on and eat bagels in the theater, dropping the crumbs.  Would everyone support a ban on Jews in first class on an airplane?  Why not?  Again, we’ll talk your ear off, and if you paid a lot for your seat and you want peace and quiet, don’t sit next to a Jew.

(For all the Jews who are sucking your breath in at this moment, I’m saying this to make a point — not because I think I should be banned from places…  Though we do sometimes talk a lot, nu?)

I am pro-banning behaviours, but never pro-banning people.  I am totally fine that our east coast trains have a silent car and you can’t use your cell phone there, and I would never be offended if an airline said that first class was a “silent cabin.”  That said, I would hope they’d come down just as hard on chatty Jews, rock stars, AND children.  But I wouldn’t support an airline that bans children (or any group of people) from first class, even though I have never flown first class and probably never will.

I like child-free spaces just as much as the next person, and there are plenty of days that I do not want to encounter children.  But that’s on me.  Again, replace the word “children” with another group.  Would it ever be okay to say that we want Jews banned from a business just because we don’t want to see Jews?  Because they’re too expressive with their hands and eat smelly garlicy hummus and speak their throat-clearing language very loudly?

When I really don’t want to see kids, I stay home.  When I really don’t want to see kids but must go out, I try to choose a place that few parents would bring a child.  And if they do, I have to suck it up to be part of society (and usually, if that child is behaving, I can even tune them out).

And if they do bring their child AND the child is disturbing everyone else’s meal/movie/activity, I have no problem addressing the behaviour or asking the management to address the behaviour.  Because not talking in a movie, let’s say, is a given regardless of age.

Being part of society means dealing with all members of a society; not picking and choosing the ones whose main characteristics are palatable with my desires.  It would never be okay to ban whole groups of people based on race, gender, or ethnicity.  Therefore, I can’t support it based on age.  I wouldn’t want elderly people banned, and I don’t want children banned.  Though I’d totally support a noisy people ban and if that sweeps out children (as well as loud-talking, half-deaf elderly people and those pesky expressive Jews*), so be it.  Ban the behaviour; not the person.

So those are my thoughts and they’re not set in stone if you can argue passionately.  I truly do want to hear the other side as well as additional thoughts on banning children from public spaces.

* For the love, y’all know I’m Jewish, hence why I picked it as my example.  I’m not hating on Jews but merely being facetious to make a point.  Replace “Jews” with your group of choice.