People magazine has named Bradley Cooper their sexiest man alive.  But, no, it doesn’t just come down to looks.

Ladies, take note: this Georgetown grad can whip up dinner, take you for a spin on his motorcycle and whisper sweet nothings in French (he’s fluent!). Just don’t try convincing him what a catch he is.

Wait, why are only ladies taking note?  What?  Men can’t enjoy gazing at Bradley Cooper’s dreamy… what colour are his eyes?… blue eyes? (I couldn’t actually tell what colour his eyes are in the photo, but it says in the first paragraph that he has “dazzling baby blues,” and I’m assuming that refers to his eyes and not that he has a less severe case of postpartum depression).

I don’t know if I find someone cooking, driving a motorcycle, or speaking French sexy per se.  I mean, I loved it when Josh first cooked me dinner, mostly because it was so endearing how much he had to concentrate on the recipe and what an enormous mess he made to impress me.  And being capable of operating a motorized vehicle is something many adults are capable of doing so I don’t jizz my pants every time I’m in traffic and observe all the people around me driving.  And with over 64 million people in France alone not to mention all other French-speaking countries and countless students who were forced to take a foreign language in order to graduate, I don’t find the ability to conduct a conversation in a second language all that enticing.  I mean, listen, if the man spoke fluent Ubbi Dubbi I’d be a little more impressed.  After all, how many people speak Ubbi Dubbi these days since Zoom went off the air?

The problem, of course, is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  I don’t find Bradley Cooper particularly sexy. (I’m so sorry, Mr. Cooper, but maybe I’m not your cup of tea either.)   I didn’t get excited for Ryan Reynolds in 2010.  While I had an enormous crush on Johnny Depp back in his 21 Jump Street days, my eyes sort of skipped over him during his feature in 2009.  Or Hugh Jackman in 2008.  Which is to say that I have a deep respect for Hugh Jackman — think he’s a talented actor and I love the way he discusses his family — but I just don’t find him sexy.  Perusing back through all the old Sexiest Man Alive winners, I can’t say that People magazine and I have ever agreed.

If I ran People magazine, I’d slap Joshua Ford on the cover.  The man is sexy.  He runs out for emergency tampons when I don’t buy them because of superstitious, hopeful reasons.  He told me I was hot when we were in the throes of treatments and I felt anything but.  He takes all the twins’ night wakings, allowing me to sleep.  He cleans the snow off my windshield in the winter.  He still has all his hair and it’s not even greying.  He scrunches up his nose in excitement when he talks about the Pixies.

That’s who I’d put on the cover.

The Wolvog and Josh back when the Wolvog liked to pull the bottom of his shirt over his face and hang out.

And a close runner up is my celebrity-crush-since-last-February, Billie Joe Armstrong — even with his new blond hair.  (Josh claims he would never clear the snow from my windshield, and he’s probably right… though it could be because he’s from California and they don’t get a lot of snow there.  But he also just might not be a gentleman like that.  That’s sort of the problem with celebrity crushes — you just don’t know the actual person.)

Who would you put on the cover as People’s Sexiest Person Alive — both celebrity and non-celebrity?  Why person?  Because not every woman likes dudes.  Just sayin’, People.

Thank you for the anniversary wishes.  I sure do love that boy.

*******

The twins were asked to create a word problem in math class that they would also solve themselves both numerically and with a picture.  The Wolvog wrote: “Wolvog had seven iPhones.  His mum gave him three more iPhones.  Now how many does he have?”  He then proceeded to draw 10 iPhones featuring various apps (when he showed me his homework, he chuckled to himself, “I didn’t include Siri on this one since it’s actually an old iPhone 4 and not the iPhone 4S).

The ChickieNob is a little more dramatic, and she brought an intensity to her word problem, the likes of which I’ve never seen repeated on a xeroxed worksheet: “The Wolvog had 9 apples.  When he went to sleep, the ChickieNob took some and then he had 8.  How many apples… OH NO!  The Wolvog is coming… but how many apples?  How many apples did she take!”  She explained that she wanted the problem solver to feel the intensity of the apple theft, the fear of being caught.  It’s method mathematics.

*******

I get a lot of PR pitches, dozens of them each day.  Many are about pregnancy or baby products, which — as you can imagine — really make my day.  I mean, what infertile woman doesn’t love getting six emails in the span of two hours asking them to hawk baby stuff?

For a long time, my favourite PR pitch was one for beef jerky, that pointed out how much kids love jerky:

I think that the relevancy that our products have to your users is that Jerky is one of the biggest under-rated snack foods for kids!  Although my opinion may be biased.  It is high in essential nutrients like protein while being low in carbs, fats, and calories…plus it tastes good and kids enjoy eating it!  Not to mention the convenience and long shelf life.  I think it would be a good (and interesting product) for your users to read about.

So in one pitch, he managed to miss that I am (1) kosher, (2) a vegetarian, and (3) write about an inability to have children and therefore my readers most likely wouldn’t be looking for great snacks for kids.  I also liked that jerky was capitalized, as if it were a proper name.

That was my favourite one.

My new favourite is for bacon-lube.

I thought you might like this.

[Company name removed] is pleased to announce the launch of baconlube!  Yes, the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant.

[Product name removed] is water based, proudly Made in America and is the gold standard of meat flavored massage oils.  Baconlube is like the McRib of sex – it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time and is in short supply, so don’t miss out.  We only made 3,000 bottles of this pork flavored nectar.

They thought I might like this?  It’s more like, “I love this!”  The best part is that they offered me my very own bottle — one of the 3,000 bottles of pork flavoured nectar — so I could have a meaty, salty vagina.  And I’m not sure how I can say no.

*******

November’s IComLeavWe kicks off on Monday so this weekend is the last chance to sign up.  When the list closes on Monday night, I’ll use the random number generator to choose one person from the list to have their Creme de la Creme submission moved to the #6 slot on the list).

Speaking of the Creme de la Creme, we have 134 submissions on the list.  Pretty please, don’t wait until last minute to get your submission in.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Where’s My Hogwarts Letter?” (What the Blog)
• “I Made it to 1 Week, 5 Days…” (No Oven for the Bun)
• “iBliss” (Little Dragon Fruit)
• “Food Stamp Etiquette: Human Kindness” (Creating Motherhood)
• “The Allure and the Tyranny of the White Picket Fence” (Too Many Fish to Fry)
• “Enjoying Your Pregnancy! No, Seriously” (Too Many Fish to Fry)
• “That Time I Was Bullied – Repeatedly – As a Kid” (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed)
• “How Can We Talk More Freely” (Bodega Bliss)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Les Terres Fertiles has a post about sex and infertility, namely, how sex changes when you discover you’re infertile.  I love her analogy: “The best analogy I can come up with at this point is hunting.  I’ve never hunted before, but I can imagine that if a hunter was told that they can continue to shoot their gun at targets, say, on some sort of shooting range, but they can’t go out and actually kill animals, that there would then be something important missing from the shooting experience, even though all the mechanics are the same.”  Truly, you need to read the entire post.

Eggs in a Row has a post about her sister-in-law’s loss and the awkward space she is in knowing about the loss without having been told about the pregnancy.  She sums it up like this: “I am frustrated that I am supposed to pretend that I don’t know, especially since my sister-in-law decided not to tell me that she was pregnant.  I’m assuming that she didn’t want to tell me because she knew a third sister would be upsetting, and I (as bad as this sounds) was relieved to pretend (to her) that I didn’t know, because it was less baby talk. But, now I’m in the position that I can’t tell her how sorry I am.”  I found the whole post very moving and kept thinking about it after I closed the blog.

Lastly, Scrambled Eggs has a post about a man she met on a flight.  It’s about how fate has a way of arranging airline seats so you’re sitting next to someone who has the potential to either change your life or change the way you see the world.  It’s a good story — go over and read it.

The roundup to the Roundup: I really do love that boy.  The ChickieNob and Wolvog’s math homework.  Would you turn down the baconlube?  Last chance to sign up for November’s IComLeavWe (and don’t forget your Creme de la Creme submission).  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between November 11th and November 18th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Ten years ago this week, I was running on a treadmill when a news story came on the television in the corner of the gym.  It was an interview with the manager of an area soup kitchen saying that they didn’t have enough food for Thanksgiving due to the fact that in the wake of 9/11, people were giving their money to other charities.  She was worried they wouldn’t be able to put out a meal that week.

I ran upstairs and woke up Josh, who was still asleep because we took off a few days of work before our wedding.  And I hysterically told him about the soup kitchen and how we had to help or there would be no Thanksgiving dinner.  Josh did not point out how Thanksgiving turkey is pretty much meaningless to me since I’m a vegetarian.  He did not remind me of my last big idea which had probably occurred the day before.  He just nodded his head, picked up the phone, and called the soup kitchen.

The woman said she could use collard greens, and we lived next to a food store that had a shitload of collard greens.  He told her that we were on the case and I went to the food store to pick up the greens.  I cleared out what they had on display, shoving them into the provided plastic bags.  Then I went to the clerk and told him how much I enjoyed collard greens; how I wanted to make as much collard greens as was humanly possible.  I’m not sure why I couldn’t just tell him that we were donating them rather than making me look completely insane.  So he got all the crates of collard greens from the back storage of the store, and helped us bring the whole mess to Josh’s car in the parking lot.

So Josh filled his trunk (mind you, right before our wedding when I had also given him a bunch of other tasks to do) with bags and bags of collard greens.  His whole car ended up smelling like the greens — which you may believe have no smell, but you would be wrong.  When you amass that many collard greens, they sort of smell similar to earthy ketchup.

Josh drove those collard greens an hour downtown because I was too shy to go.

He didn’t laugh at me or roll his eyes or try to reason with me that a check would be easier than a collard green delivery.  He didn’t say, “this was your crazy idea; you go deliver a trunk-full of collard greens.”  No, he just gave me a kiss and said he’d see me in a bit, and he went downtown with his vegetable-laden trunk.

And that’s why I love him.

And because he can still laugh about it 10 years later.

Happy anniversary, Josh.

Photo Credit: Arvindgrover.

I’ve written a post like this every year, bringing together all the advice from the years before (my own and what appeared in the comment section) and then opening it up to additional ideas (which will be brought next year into the new post as well).  Because this time of year can be both impossibly difficult or impossibly wonderful depending on which side of the happiness line you fall, and I say that even as a non-Christian who doesn’t need to do anything more than participate in a volunteer project and eat a bunch of candy canes on Christmas.

Holidays are a lot of pressure — to get them right, to coordinate schedules/needs/wants, to navigate relationships, to travel.  For some people those pressures are additionally pressed down by the knowledge of people missing from the table — either those who were once here or those who haven’t been brought into your family yet.  And compounding it all is this ongoing message that holidays must be fun.  They must be a happy time.  That families draw together and eat a spiral ham in front of a roaring fire with a sparkling tree in the background.

For people who are happily moving through the holiday season, especially those finally celebrating after many dry years, I lift my virtual glass of champagne to you and send you off to enjoy it.  Don’t apologize for being happy — just soak in this time.

For anyone else still sticking around to read this, remember that everyone experiences something in life that makes a particular year or set of years difficult for them. That for every holiday season that you enjoy and look forward to participating in, there is also a time in life where you dread all the reminders that come with a holiday season and wish you could avoid the whole thing. And this year may be that time for you, but it won’t always be that time for you.  Things change; both for good and bad.  This too shall pass.

You can sit out of the festivities if that’s what you need to do, but a survival guide is sort of like holding your breath to eat (you know, so you don’t taste anything) when your mother asks you to try lima beans. Like slimey green lima beans, going to events is usually good for you, and it’s important to be around people who care about you when the going is tough. You just may need a trick for getting through family time just as mouth-breathing (and not tasting) works for choking down undesired foods.

I’ll offer up the same advice I gave the last year three years with additional notes from comments that came on those old posts:

• Create your own incentives and treat getting through the holiday season as your job. Pay yourself in whatever will make you happy. For instance, after a trip to the local mall to have your picture taken with your niece and Santa, pay yourself with a manicure. Attending the holiday party from hell may win you an entire bar of chocolate. It’s worth setting up small incentives and budgeting for your own happiness because it can be something to focus on during the task at hand.
• You know the idea that you can take a large school and make it small but you can’t go the other way around? Flip that concept when it comes to the holidays: take a small part of the holiday and make it big. Focus on something that you can do and make it your contribution to the holiday season. If you know celebrating Christmas will be too much, make sure you throw yourself wholeheartedly into helping prepare Thanksgiving (and then develop an unfortunate case of the stomach flu on December 24th). If you can organize the family gift but can’t fathom how you’ll do Christmas dinner, make sure you send out an email to your siblings early asking for photos of your nieces and nephews so you can design a great picture calendar for your parents. And then skip the ham.
• Do all your shopping online instead of subjecting yourself to walking past the displays of toys and Christmas baby clothes at the store. Keep it simple this year – you have a lifetime to plot out the most fantastic gifts of all time. This may be the year that you need to buy a DVD or book for each person your list and be done.
• Leave a note in your pocket: write a note to yourself, ask a friend to jot something down, trade letters with your partner, or simply leave a list of names (therapist, fellow bloggers, the friend you’ll drink with the moment you get home) in your pocket to touch as a reminder that someone has your back when you begin to feel overwhelmed at the holiday table. I can’t be with you at your Christmas dinner (the whole Jew and vegetarian thing aside, I just don’t think your family is going to be cool if you drag along a random blogger), but I can give you a note right now to keep in your pocket. Simply print this out and whenever you get overwhelmed, touch it and remember that there are people out there who get you. And change the line about mini hot dogs if you’re a vegetarian:

Hey Sweetie:

I know it was really hard to come to this party/dinner/get together but now that you’re here, you’re even closer to it being over. Try to enjoy yourself, but if you can’t, nip into the bathroom for a cry or bury yourself at the buffet table and do nothing but eat mini hot dogs for the rest of the night. There is no shame in enduring rather than enjoying and you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this without ruining any relationships. Make sure you take time for yourself today/tonight after you get home. I’m here on the other end of the computer if you need me.

Love,
Mel

• Pick and Choose: there is no rule that says you must attend every event during the holiday season – even if you’ve gone to everything in the past. If it’s going to cause more grief than it’s worth, just attend the event. But if you can get your partner to “surprise” you with a holiday trip, all the better.
• Book: I actually include a lot of ideas like these in Navigating the Land of If to get through life in general; not just holiday. I’m just saying.
• I will tell you the only trick I have up my sleeve: the holiday card. Most holiday cards we receive are either generic package-of-12 types or pictures of kids/families. We send out cards every year that routinely get responses that it was the best card they’ve gotten all year, or sometimes the best card ever. Sometimes one fabulous photo of us in some fabulous locale; sometimes a whole series around the world (which it will have to be again this year). We used to just have a normal photo card, but now we include a newsy update of career progress and travels. The people with kids (or limited funds, or limited outlook) say, “Wow, your life is amazing. I’m stuck here at home.” I’m not trying to make them feel envious of us, but envy is way better than pity. –Baby Smiling in Back Seat
• All of our friends have been sending photo X-mas cards in the past years. In previous years, we’d send an awesome vacation photo. Like- heh!- we still had fun this year!–Mrs. Spock
• One tip I figured out early on: If you can’t shop online & have to go to the mall, find out what hours Santa will be there — & then go when he’s not around. There won’t be as many kids & babies around to deal with then. –The Road Less Travelled
• I manage to work in a reference to Katie in every edition of our Christmas letter … usually in relation to our volunteer work. But I like being able to remind people that she was real & is still a part of our lives. My Christmas card itself usually has either an angel or Classic Pooh theme (which was also the theme of her nursery). I know other people who use angel stamps on their cards as a subtle reminder of their lost baby(s). –The Road Less Travelled
• This year I solved my problem in the cowardly fashion … I offered to work. I work at a domestic violence shelter, which is open 24/7 … So I figure I might as well. I can get paid double time as well, so it’s all sorts of awesome. –An Unwanted Path
• I started listening to holiday music in August this year. I’m using it as my own private technique for connecting with the joy of the season early enough that I won’t suddenly get trampled in the crush of child-centric images, events, and conversations coming my way during the actual season. I want this year to be different! –Lisa
• Instead of focusing on what I can’t handle, I’m heading into the season excited about the possibilities of the new traditions TH and I will make this year. I’m just going to roll with the punches. If I’m really excited about putting up the tree, we’re going to do it and not wait. If I can’t handle being around our nephew, TH can go and I can stay home. I’m not going to force myself into any situation, and I’m just going to accept where I am and be there. –Kim
• I just bought three bottles of my favorite wine yesterday to take to my mom’s… and I don’t plan to share any of it. –Guera!
• I think I’m going to plan something for just me and my husband so we’ve got an event during the holiday season to look forward to. It’s either going to be going out to a really nice restaurant or going on a trip (or possibly both!).  —Sushigirl
• I’m a big fan of lights. Lights inside and out of the house. But putting up the tree where cute handmade kid ornaments should be was always too hard. So I just put up lights – it goes back to finding out what you can do to enjoy the season and doing it. —BigPandMe
• Two years ago at Christmas right after my 3rd miscarriage I was in a really bad place and dreading the holidays. My mom suggested that instead of our normal Christmas Eve meal we make homemade Chinese food – egg rolls, stir fry, etc. It turned out great and for whatever reason not having to face the traditional meal made it so much better. Don’t get me wrong – it was still really hard – but I got through it and was happy that I spent time with my family instead of avoiding the whole holiday. –Becky
• And “work” can also mean volunteer work. Nobody is going to get mad at you for selflessly devoting your time and skills at a soup kitchen instead of sitting around the family table (or for rushing from the family table to do said work). Or they might, but they’ll end up looking like the bad guy, not you. —Bea
• Remember it’s just a day. It has now power. You don’t have to enjoy it. Lots of people don’t. —Mali
• Sometimes things suck, and sometimes, you have to feel what you’re going to feel while things suck. That it’s okay to mourn and it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not pull yourself up by the bootstraps based on someone else’s timetable rather than your own. And that sometimes, when you push yourself to do something, you find that you actually derived a great deal of peace from the experience. Such as sitting down at the Thanksgiving table when you’re sort of dreading being around people. –Me (from last year)

How do you get through the holiday season when you’re feeling less than your best?

Updated with an additional video at the bottom

We obviously went to bed too early this weekend because we totally missed the Adele sketch on Saturday Night Live.  If you did too, Jezebel has a video clip of the sketch of people crying over Adele’s “Someone Like You.”

Come on, admit it, you’ve bawled your eyes out listening to that song.  I remember the first time I heard it — Josh called me across the room to see the video because a friend of his had linked to it on Facebook. (Though the video I remember had Adele sitting on a chair alone in an empty room — does anyone know what I’m talking about?)  I got to the second verse and then started crying like it was the day before my period, and the ridiculous part is that I’m freakin’ married.

Other things that induce a good cry: The Velveteen Rabbit; when all the students stand on their desks during Dead Poet Society and say, “captain, my captain;” the life montage at the beginning of Up; the post-death scene in Bridge to Terabithia; the pre-car scene in The Confessions of Max Tivoli; and talking about the French revolution (sorry, that last one may just be me, but I’ve never been able to teach the French revolution without dissolving into tears).

What do you use to induce a good cry?

Update:

I had to include the commercial I mention in the comment section below.  I’m bawling again after watching it so I could get the embed code to add it to the post.