CNN and other news sites are reporting that Susan G Komen has changed the policy under which Planned Parenthood lost its funding, stopping short of actually stating that funding will be forthcoming in the future.  Their statement begins with an apology and talks about how the wording of the policy will be changed to reflect only investigations that are criminal in nature.  When WashPo asked for further clarification whether Planned Parenthood would actually be funded in the future, they received no further information, only that “I think our statement speaks for itself.”

I do think it speaks volumes, just not the clear message I would expect to follow an apology to the public — an apology that addresses the section of the public who are upset over Planned Parenthood’s defunding.  If you look carefully, it doesn’t say that Planned Parenthood will be receiving funding in the future, just that they’ll be eligible to apply.  And in that case, they can be rejected for some other reason.

There are obviously positive ways to look at this week: People were suddenly reminded to do their monthly breast exams or make an appointment at Planned Parenthood.  People donated a lot of money to both organizations.  This apology may truly be the end of this debacle, and maybe Komen will be careful in the future about mixing themselves with politics and instead remain an organization aiming to fund cancer research and support women instead of an organization attempting to push a political agenda.  Or maybe it will just be dormant for a period of time like the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets and then be released again at a future date.

I’m not a fan of apologies which are not heartfelt, deeply meaningful apologies.  I have high standards, and this doesn’t meet my high standards.  So I thank the organization for giving this thought, but for me, the damage has been done and I need something much bigger than this to trust again.  I’m aware that others respectfully disagree with me on this, and I’m totally supportive of that too.  It’s a great big world full of organizations that have the potential to do good.  I’m going to directly support those that provide services, and others can support philanthropies who decide the fate of those service organizations with their grants.  To each their own.

Can you tell that I was bothered by the Susan G Komen/Planned Parenthood defunding debacle this week?

*******

Last Friday, instead of getting work accomplished, I spent most of the day cleaning up my sidebar.  There were just a lot of… words.  Now there are more pictures.  There are little icons for places where I’ve always been such as Facebook or Twitter.  And there are new ones such as Pinterest (looky — I made a page for Life from Scratch).  Plus, there is a brand spanking new email list you can add yourself to (it’s the orange book icon) if you want to be informed when the sequel and future books (because yes, I have outlines for three more Rachel Goldman book) are coming out.

It’s nice and neat now, and I like the less-cluttered look.

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I started yoga this week, and I wish I could tell you that it has changed my life and brought me tons of inner peace, but I’m finding that I’m really not the yoga sort.  At the same time, I have already purchased the mat and paid for the classes, so I will be doing yoga since I am the practical sort.

The first day I went, I ate a yogurt and drank a cup of coffee beforehand.  The website told me not to, but I knew I needed my energy.  About three minutes into the 75-minute “continuous flow” yoga class (which is just a fancy way of saying that you never stop moving, holding each pose for only one breath.  Or, in my case, one gasp), as I was hanging in downward-facing dog, I realized that I wanted to vomit.  The yogurt and coffee were fighting their way into my throat, burning a hole in their path.  I went home fairly miserable for the rest of the day, leaving myself a reminder to go on an empty stomach next time.

The second class was more my speed (meaning, we paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaused for a loooooooooooooooooong tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime) and I wasn’t internally fighting with a container of Greek yogurt, but it still didn’t grab me in the way that running does.  My third class was attended with a friend of mine, so I spent most of the time trying not to laugh as our classmates got themselves into impressive positions while we fudged it.  And then we went out for a beer, which sort of negated the whole yoga thing but was the thought that kept me in the class for the full 75 minutes.

Perhaps yoga will grow on me; I’m not ruling that out.  And even if it doesn’t, I’m going to keep doing it for the time being.  Plus, I’ve lost 6 pounds so far by changing my eating habits and adding in yoga.  Pretty damn good progress.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady Asks How We Define Womanhood” (Stirrup Queens) — thank you!
• “Thin Ice” (Kmina’s Blog)
• “Guilt” (Seriously?!)
• “The Toddler Inside” (Better Full Than Empty)

Okay, now my choices this week.

The Kir Corner has a post titled “Because It Wasn’t Enough” (fine, it was from last Thursday, but I didn’t read it until Friday night) about how she feels about working while parenting after infertility.  It’s not only an interesting post; it’s an interesting discussion in the comment section (and you should jump in too).  The part I love is what she will tell her children: “Because even though I wanted you with every ounce of my being, even though I struggled and beat the odds to even get pregnant with you, even though just the sight of you makes me struggle for breath because you are mine forever and always… motherhood wasn’t enough. I needed something for myself, just like every other mommy I know.”  Go over and read the post in full.

MoJo Working has a very honest post this week about the problem with infertility blogs, namely, the fact that they often change direction.  She admits: “Whatever the reason, I am finding myself deleting more and more of my familiar blogs from my reader, and seeking out new ones.”  I liked it because she said what I suspect a lot of people think, and because the post challenged me to consider a different point of view.

Mission: Fertile Soul has a post about feeling strange about feeling okay.  That she isn’t upset, and this is what feels weird and new.  She explains: “But, it’s almost as if I’m looking at my particular IF journey as an observer and not the person experiencing it.  There’s no more intense sadness, or guilt, or anger, or frustration.  I’ve gotten teary, because I want to hug that part of myself that experienced all of that crap and ended up stronger and with a bigger zest for life on the other side (even without currently having a baby or being pregnant).  I don’t feel wounded or scarred.”  It’s a post that proves the idea that children resolve childlessness, but they don’t resolve infertility.  That is something every person must do on their own.

Lastly, Magpie Musing has a post about loving her daughter and how she marries that with the grief she felt over all the cycles which didn’t result in a child.  The whole post is fantastic, but I love this thought: “Can you grieve that, a procedure that didn’t work?  Most attempts at pregnancy don’t work; lots of fertilizations the “normal” way end up in early miscarriage, so early that the woman doesn’t even know she was pregnant. So, yes, I was sad that it didn’t work, with all those dollars down the tube to boot, but that’s not really grief, is it?”

The roundup to the Roundup: Obviously bothered by the defunding of Planned Parenthood.  Check out my new icons (and sign up for the book news email list if you want to know when the next book will be released).  I started yoga, and I can’t say that I love it.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between January 27th and February 3rd) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

A lot has been written today about how Susan G Komen botched their reputation by not responding — or even attempting to control — the backlash against the organization in light of the defunding of Planned Parenthood.  It’s sort of a study in what-not-to-do in terms of leading the public perception of a brand or organization.  In fact, I am writing about this idea right now for BlogHer.

But in doing research for that post, I came across a retweet that was posted and then deleted earlier today by Karen Handel, the vice president of Susan G Komen who is behind the defunding of Planned Parenthood.  Plenty of people took screenshots of the original tweet so it lives on, in all its glory.

I don’t know.  It sort of speaks volumes about the person, which — of course — reflects on the organization she represents.  I would love to have everyone print out the Planned Parenthood at a Glance page — the one that speaks to the numerous services Planned Parenthood provides — and mail it to Karen Handel’s office, since she seems to believe that 3% of services constitutes 100% of services, hence why she refers to this women’s health organization as a “pro-abortion group.”  Unless I’m going to think that Handel is heartless and cruel, I need to believe that she is just poorly informed and ignorant.  And therefore, the classy thing would be to educate her.

I’m going to send her my print out in the morning.  If you want to send a letter to her office, you can too:

Karen Handel
Susan G Komen
5005 LBJ Freeway, Suite 250
Dallas, TX 75244

Every Friday, I have to drive down the same road to get to a class, passing the same buildings and houses that I never pass any other day of the week.  A few weeks ago, Josh was off of work, and he ended up taking me to the class, so we were driving in the car together.

“I always wonder about that place,” Josh commented.

“Me too!” I exclaimed, sort of amazed that Josh had the exact same thoughts about the building we were passing, a building I’ve thought about on and off for about 9 years every time I’ve had reason to pass it.

“I would go in there, but it sort of looks sketchy.”

“It would be worth it though.”

“Really, I’m sort of surprised.  This doesn’t seem like you.”

“You think I couldn’t hold my own and use them for what I want in the same way that they are going to attempt to use me to get what they want?”

“Melissa, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the place that advertises that they give free pregnancy tests, which is obviously from the rest of the signage, an anti-abortion clinic.  So I’ll listen to their spiel, blah blah blah and get the free beta.  When you’re not in treatments, it’s hard to get a beta.”

Josh takes his eyes off the road to glance at me for a moment.  “Melissa, I was talking about the tofu restaurant next door.”

Oh.

Here’s the thing: my ability to use that anti-abortion clinic to get my damn beta numbers (I am the queen of the beta of 9) is something I developed quite recently, that grownup trait of making up your own mind and sticking to your convictions, even in the light of external pressure.  To be able to see someone else’s agenda and know whether or not they have my best interests at heart, or if they have put the message they want to push before the needs of the person sitting in front of them.  In other words, until recently, I was the type of woman who needed Planned Parenthood, a place I could go where decisions would be left in my hands without an overriding political message.

Planned Parenthood was made for a woman like me.

A woman who was prone to being swayed by judgment, so they took out the judgment.  A woman who was concerned about doing what was “right,” so they removed the idea that there was only one correct answer.  A woman who sometimes didn’t know the right questions to ask, so they provided a wide-range of information.  A woman who didn’t have a lot of money, so they ensured that all women could have access to basic women’s health care services including pap smears and breast exams.

You know, those two health exams that I’m assuming we all want every woman to have access to.

Susan G. Komen, the fundraising giant in the name of breast cancer, pulled funding from Planned Parenthood which was used to provide cancer screenings to those who cannot afford women’s health care otherwise.  They are doing so because Planned Parenthood is under investigation for complaints raised by anti-abortion groups (in other words, there are no valid complaints made by a non-partisan organization).  And I’m sorry, but there is no room for politics when it comes to women’s health — when it comes to anyone’s health.  What we are talking about is literally life and death.

Politicans are fond of using live subjects — namely, people — to test out their political theories.  Which makes them like cruel scientists.  We would be horrified to learn that cats or monkeys were being killed in order to push someone’s personal beliefs, but we’re not equally horrified when people are losing access to health care and dying needlessly based on someone’s personal beliefs.  The reality is that our STEM fields have stricter protocols on how and when they can use live subjects to test theories whereas human women are being used daily without any controls in place to test political theories.

The purpose of Planned Parenthood is — simply put — to ensure that women are in the best position to have children when they want to have them.  Which means that

• They provide preventative services so they are not having children before they’re ready (according to their site, “76 percent of our clients receive services to prevent unintended pregnancy. Planned Parenthood services help prevent more than 584,000 unintended pregnancies each year.”)
• They provide screenings for diseases that could impede reproductive health (“770,000 Pap tests and nearly 750,000 breast exams each year.”)
• They provide blood work for infectious diseases that could impair reproductive health (“more than four million tests and treatments for sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.”)
• They provide abortions for a plethora of reasons (“Three percent of all Planned Parenthood health services are abortion services.”)
• And they provide education to “1.1 million young people and adults each year.”

Or, as their mission state succinctly begins: “Planned Parenthood believes in the fundamental right of each individual, throughout the world, to manage his or her fertility, regardless of the individual’s income, marital status, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, national origin, or residence.”

In other words, they are fighting the good fight on behalf of women.  They are trying to ensure that when a woman is ready, she is able to have a child.

Women’s health is not a pu-pu platter where we can each pick at the one item we want to take.  Where you eat the spareribs and I’ll take the fried wontons.  I can’t sit down to a meal with women who are going to tell me that I can take the IVF-access and they’ll take the mammogram-access fight but we’re not going to actually support each other to complete our goals.

Women’s health is women’s health is women’s health.

If you care about having access to fertility treatments, to the ability of your medical team to make decisions taking into account your unique situation and tailor a treatment plan that works best for your body, you need to care about making sure that all women have access to sexual and reproductive health services — even the ones you might never choose to use yourself.  This is about the strength of standing collectively on an issue, about saying every inch of a woman’s body is important and deserves to be treated with respect, with the woman’s best interests at heart.

And Susan G. Komen isn’t doing that right now.

The problem is that all charities look like good charities meant to support the people they claim to support until they make a move like this, causing you to question how the funds you raise or give to other organizations are being used.  And maybe that is why I am always a bit squeamish about giving to organizations that dole out grants vs. organizations that directly provide services.  There are fantastic organizations out there that are working to channel money towards science and services in a completely ethical way.  But there are equally fantastic non-profits who are on the ground, doing the hard work, providing the services, and those are the ones I think I’m going to turn my attention to supporting for the time being.  Not just financially, but by volunteering for them, writing about them, and educating myself (and others) on the services they provide.

So, thank you, Susan G. Komen, for making me realize that there are more options than supporting a philanthropic organization.  I can give my money and time to an organization like Planned Parenthood who provides the services.  Sometimes we just need a reminder.  So thank you for giving me one.

By ProgressOhio (Flickr: June 2009: Protect Women’s Health!) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

The ChickieNob needed new clothes, so I took her to the mall one night and told her that she could choose whatever she liked provided that it fit into the budget I had in mind and that I deemed it appropriate for her age. For instance, she wants a pair of steel-toed combat boots, but I told her that I wasn’t shelling out $100 for shoes she would wear all of one year. And while she has never asked for one, I would nix the black and white string bikini we saw last year in a size 5T.

So she picked out a bunch of outfits and took them to the dressing room. And then she slipped into each one and stood in front of the mirror, marveling at herself. “I look so beautiful! I look amazing.”

I ended up buying her everything because (1) it did look great — the girl has an amazing sense of style and (2) how can you not feed that self-esteem right now knowing how much it’s going to be damaged by life down the line. I mean, how many of us stand in front of the mirror and say with pure excitement, “I look so beautiful!” I am more likely to say, “wow, this isn’t half-bad” or “okay, this pair of pants doesn’t make me look too much like crap.”

I literally can’t remember the last time I tried on an outfit, looked in a mirror, and was amazed to see myself. To want to look at myself all day long because I thought I looked hot. Outfits that I was pleased with: certainly. But gazing at myself with the admiration I saw on the ChickieNob’s face: not in a long time.

Is it inevitable? That we get so accustomed to looking at ourselves that we get bored with ourselves? That youthful shopping trips are the equivalent of a new relationship? Of course everything is exciting — picking out your own outfits is new. It’s thrilling! It’s empowering! It makes you feel good! And then, like any relationship, we get used to it and we start picking it apart instead of just grinning at ourselves in the mirror. We start looking at clothing shopping as a chore — finding something that looks good that fits in a budget that is appropriate for the situation — vs. looking at it like an adventure, a sea of possibilities.

All I know is that I had this idea to take out the Flip camera and film her dancing in front of the mirror. The idea would be to show it to her later on, when she is starting to get down on her body. I’d remind her how much she loved herself back then. But then I thought about if it would change me to see myself gleefully loving my body, and I realized it wouldn’t. I did love my body like that; ask my parents to take pictures of me in outfits I loved with their Polaroid camera so I could instantly see the photograph and put it in my picture album (and now I mortify myself by adding those pictures to my blog post). I have those pictures and I looked at them to write this post, and it didn’t change the way I feel about my body one bit. Yes, I can guilt myself into feeling something different, but thoughts that stem from guilt are rarely lasting or even truthful.

I tried to think of the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was gorgeous, exquisite enough to be captured in a photograph. There was my wedding and the honeymoon afterward, when I felt good about my body. I was running daily and was at a good weight for my frame. I knew I was loved, and I had seen Josh’s face when I walked down the aisle, and that probably confirmed the good feelings I was already experiencing about myself.

That was probably the last time I asked Josh to take a picture of me because I wanted to remember how I looked in a moment; because I felt good about how I looked. There are pictures of me with the twins in my belly, and I felt gorgeous then, but it wasn’t about me, per se. It was about them. So I would have to say that my wedding, 10 years ago, was the last time I gasped when I looked in the mirror and wanted to gaze at myself for a while.

When was the last time you felt that way about your body or how you looked? Is there any way to hold onto that excitement from childhood when you thought you looked fantastic?

Part of me thinks that I need to send myself to the mall with the understanding that I’m not going to leave it until I have found something that makes me look at myself in the mirror like that. I don’t have to buy it, but I have to find an outfit that makes me want someone to take a picture of me in it to capture the moment. Though it would only count, only be meaningful, if I really meant it. Until I’m in that moment, I can’t tell (as I write this in the kitchen) if I’ll really mean it.