I have lost a lot of weight since last February, almost 30 pounds.  Because some people asked, I’m going to outline how I changed my eating habits in a separate post that you can read or skip.  I lost the weight because I (1) was scared about my visit to the general practitioner, especially that she might say that I was prediabetic… or diabetic, (2) wasn’t fitting into a lot of my clothes comfortably, and (3) didn’t feel great, especially my joints.

I did not, I just want to point out, lose weight because I didn’t like the way I looked.

I actually thought that I looked pretty smokin’ hot 30-more-pounds ago.  Especially when I wore my beige suede-like pants and my sister’s grey sweater.  I would throw on that outfit and feel beautiful.*

Prior to February, with the exception of Josh and a handful of close family members, people rarely commented on my looks.  Understandable since I’m in my late thirties, not exactly an age that attracts a lot of attention, and I’m not an extraordinary beauty by any definition.  But still, everyone is on the receiving end of some commentary about their looks — either critically or complimentary — at a certain point in their life, and I assumed that point in life had passed for me when the comments on my looks had trickled dry years earlier.  I only missed the idea of people commenting on my looks when I forgot about how many times I’ve been upset by something a person said.  How statements about looks often sound — mostly unintentionally — like backhand compliments making commentary on some other facet of life.

And regardless of all that, it didn’t matter if no one else spoke about how I looked because the only person who mattered is myself and if I felt good about my looks, though — to be completely honest — Josh’s opinion mattered too.  Josh makes me feel beautiful, so in turn, I believed myself beautiful.

Still, I was willing to change how I looked if it also changed my health situation.  Because how I was eating, how I was living, was not very healthy.

Within a few weeks of changing the way I ate, people started commenting on how good I looked, and now, 30 pounds later, the commentary has reached a fever pitch, especially with people who don’t see me very often.  People are constantly telling me that I look fabulous.  They tell me that I’ve gotten so skinny.  That I look amazing.  And I know why they’re saying this — because weight loss is such a huge part of American culture (the focus on your weight, that is) that people believe it is ALWAYS a compliment if you are physically okay (meaning, the weight loss is not a symptom of illness) and losing weight.  They want to point out that they’ve noticed my hard work, since losing weight is hard work, and in the same way they would comment on a new book deal if I physically wore the contract as a dress, they are responding to the physical reminder of an accomplishment.

For the people I have shared the fact that I changed the way I ate — family members, friends, and all of you — it makes sense to comment on my weight, and I don’t feel self-conscious at all.  I told you I was doing this, I obviously stuck to that promise, and you are now commenting that you notice my hard work, and for that, I am grateful.  It feels nice to have an accomplishment recognized, and it is no small accomplishment to completely overhaul 38 years of eating habits.

But there are people who I know don’t read the blog, they aren’t friends or family members, and when they comment on the weight loss, they preface it by asking if I’ve lost weight, as if they’re checking before they continue with their train of thought.  Those people invariably say that I look amazing or fabulous or so skinny, and instead of making me feel good, it makes me wonder how they saw me months ago when I was 30 pounds heavier.  Because I thought I looked beautiful back then, and while it didn’t really matter to me that they said nothing about my looks at the time, the fact that they are commenting now means that they either have been sucked into the weight-loss-is-always-good-and-should-be-recognized myth OR they thought I looked like crap before and I am finally pretty in their eyes.

These are people who have even seen me in the beige-pants-and-grey-sweater ensemble.

It’s sort of like, if they didn’t think to tell me that I was pretty 30 pounds ago, they probably don’t need to tell me that I’m pretty now.  Perhaps we don’t have the sort of relationship where we comment on each other’s physical traits, and that is a good thing then to continue to that vein and not comment on each other’s weight.  Because the flip side is that I could put on all of that weight again — it is just so easy to do — and what will I think that they’re thinking when I’m 30 pounds heavier again?  That I’m not pretty anymore?  That my looks are fine, but not worth mentioning?

I am really not sure what the answer is.  On one hand, compliments make a person feel good.  On the other hand, compliments can apparently make a person question the unspoken words behind the statement.  Which is not to say that people shouldn’t give compliments, but rather that this is what goes through my head sometimes when a non-family member/friend/all of you comment on my weight.

How do you feel when people tell you that you look amazing after a change?  Am I the only one who feels this way?

* I’m aware that saying I thought I looked beautiful makes me vain (and in this Internet world, practically invites people to tell you that you’re actually ugly).  And while I doubt that I will ever be asked to pose for the cover of Sports Illustrated nor win a pageant (or even have some creepy art teacher ask me if I want to be a nude model for his class), I think I have moments, when I smile, where I look pretty by my standards.  And I would like to teach my daughter not to fall into the trap of continuously berating her features and instead accept them, finding beauty in their familiarity.  And that starts by projecting a happiness with my own looks, even as I contemplate giving in to colouring my hair.

What if a horrible virus was sweeping across the Internet, pulling apart the emulsion of comments and blog content and deleting one entirely.  Entirely means entirely; there are no loop holes to this what if: any cut-and-paste jobs, Google Reader stars, any emailed version of comments or posts — all of them gone when they disappear from the url.  But this virus is also merciful (perhaps invented by a white hat hacker) and gives you ten seconds to choose one or the other.

Which will you save: all of your comments, which obviously speak about the post and may even contain a quote or two, but you’ll be left without any of your content OR all of your blog posts, which obviously record your life, but you’ll be left without any reminders of the support or advice you received.

Which are you saving: comments or blog posts?

Succot starts this weekend on Sunday night, and for the first time in a long while, I am going to step offline for a bit.  I am not taking a complete break from the Internet for the holiday — that just isn’t me — but I am going to curb my usage to a very limited amount, and if this works, I’m going to repeat it again in the spring with Pesach, which is also an 8-day holiday like Succot.  Two little self-imposed Internet cut-backs, one in the fall, one in the spring.

I did all of my work-work early, and then made a list of the time I would normally spend online during this time period, attempting to rank the activities from “best use of my limited Internet time” to “can wait.”

Possible contenders for my Internet time (in no particular order):

1. Read emails
2. Respond to emails
3. Write posts
4. Read other people’s blogs
5. Check Facebook
6. Check Twitter
7. Check Good Reads
8. Update the IComLeavWe list

Reading emails seemed like it should take the number one slot.  I mean, that is the most common way people attempt to reach me AND it is the only method for communicating with me that I see 100% of the time.  So it seemed like if I had a half hour online, I should use at least part of that time to cull out important emails from the inbox and read them.  Going hand-in-hand with that is the idea of responding to emails that require a time sensitive response.  So know for the 8 days of the holiday, I am going to read email and will attempt to respond to your email quickly if it requires a time sensitive response.  If the response feels like it can wait a few days without slowing down your life, I am going to wait until the holiday is over and do a mass catch-up on email.

Writing posts seemed like a poor use of my online time.  If there are posts that float into my head while I’m offline, I will write them down on a piece of paper as I did at the beach.  And then, when the holiday is over and I return to a normal amount of screen time, I will either type up these posts or… I don’t know… move on from those thoughts if they’re not still relevant.  On the other hand, I have a shit-ton of posts in my draft folder, and this seems as good a time as any to unleash a few on you.  So my blog will still update during this time period, but I won’t be using my limited online time to do so.  I know this is sort of cheating since I used up a lot of online time prior to this weekend in order to do this, but still, I’m going to count it under ways-I’m-limiting-my-online-usage.

Reading other people’s blogs seems like a good use of my time.  I’m sort of counting on all of you to provide me with great posts that use my time well… no pressure.  So I am going to be blog reading as many posts as I can fit in before the hypothetical buzzer sounds though in order to read more, I may star some that I want to comment on to return to later.  So apologies if you get comments on 8-day-old posts when I go back to normal use of the Internet.

Checking Facebook seems like a decent use of time because it’s somewhat slow-moving.  I can scroll through a lot of status updates quickly and get a sense of what is happening in other people’s lives.  Twitter is a waste of time because it moves too quickly.  If I have five minutes left online, I don’t want to use four minutes of it just trying to follow a conversation thread and figure out what people are talking about.  And Good Reads can wait.  I have a stack of books set aside to read during this time period, and I’m going to tackle them vs. read about the next books I should put on my list.

Which brings us to updating the IComLeavWe list.  I have decided that while I may update the list if I find myself with leftover time, I am putting it as a low priority.  What does this mean?  Still add yourself to the list and upload the icon on your blog.  When the holiday is over, I am going to upload everyone at once.  There will be a note on the October IComLeavWe list reminding people that I am going to be slow to upload people to the list.  So — no worries — I will get you up on the list, but it will be after the holiday is over on September 9th.

So in order of I-am-going-to-use-my-time-to-do-this to I-will-probably-not-get-to-this:

1. Read emails
2. Respond to emails that are time sensitive
3. Read other people’s blogs
4. Check Facebook
5. Update the IComLeavWe list
6. Respond to non-time sensitive emails
7. Check Good Reads
8. Check Twitter
9. Write posts

Oh!  And that includes the Roundup.  I will have something else fun in this space next week, but since I had to write it ahead of time, it won’t be highlighting posts that were written during this upcoming week.  Still, it will be fun.  I promise.  I know this because it’s already finished.

So, I am around, I am reading your blogs, I am posting posts I’ve already written, I am answering time-sensitive emails, I am reading pretty much all emails, I am maybe checking Facebook and updating the IComLeavWe list during the course of this Internet break.  But take pity on me as I try to squeeze online time into a half hour a day.

I’ll let you know on the 9th how effective this was or it was more of a pain-in-the-ass than it was worth.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Good Grief… Why Do I Feel Guilty?” (Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration)
• “Diamonds and Rust” (Nuts in May)
• “And Then I Had a Talk with Silent Bob” (Mommy Odyssey)
• “It’s Supposed to Work” (MissConception)
• “A Letter” (Follow Every Rainbow)
• “Finley Helps Save Lives” (Dear Finley)
• “About That Time…” (Beyond Acquara)
• “A Conversation with Two of the 47%” (Stirrup Queens) — thank you, Dora and Mina!
• “My Life as a Human Ping Pong Ball” (Adventures in Infertilityland)
• “Can You Imagine Not Having a Child?” (Baptism by Fire)
• “Jade is Not a Pretty Colour” (Happily Ever After)
• “A Reason to Live” (Still Standing Magazine)
• “One of Those Days” (Searching for Our Silver Lining)
• “A Birthday Boy and Girl…” (Marwil)
• “Cleaning Out Cabinets” (Three Geminis and a Sagittarius)
• “The Pregnancy Factory” (Little Chicken Nugget)
• “Unlovable” (An Embarrassment of Good Fortune)

Okay, now my choices this week.

I loved Julie Godar’s post about the validity of living child-free on BlogHer this week.  Though she knew even before she was rendered infertile that she didn’t want to parent, she discusses the ways people approach the fact that she is child-free and has moved from saying “can’t have kids” to “won’t have kids.”  I loved these lines because they are applicable in so many discussions regarding family building: “I hate justifying my decision, and I shouldn’t have to. I hate that just speaking my truth freights casual chitchat with tension. I really hate yelling at the Thanksgiving table.”  Great post.

Bloodsigns has a gorgeous post about resurfacing after a long sojourn from her blog.  This is one of those posts where I needed to take a highlighter across large sections of it; there were just too many moments I loved so deeply.  It begins: “I can’t remember a time in recent memory where I’ve left my blog untended for so long. It isn’t even that I haven’t had anything to say and in some cases have had far too much to say so I don’t say anything at all.”  We have all had whispered to ourselves that we want to be Somebody.  This post will resonate with almost everyone.  And what G said… was perfect.

A Woman My Age has created the most brilliant phrase for those pre-parenting daydreams (which I think we still have until we hit each stage too): “show and tell adventures.”  Because that’s it; isn’t it?  We don’t daydream about the toddler tantrums or the endless hours that take us from wake-up to bedtime.  We daydream about the trips to the pumpkin patch and the first haircut and opening Christmas presents.  We dream about all the doing that we’re going to do.  And then the reality of life sets in — a fantastically accurate description of the exhaustion inherent in toddlerhood.

Lastly, An Unwanted Path has a post about allowing herself to enjoy Christmas this year.  After many years of dreading the holiday and the conversations that went with it, she is now looking forward to the surreal fact that she’ll be able to start the family traditions she dreamed about all those Christmases while she was waiting.  And yet she also admits: “Parenting after infertility is amazing, and at times it’s difficult. I’m supposed to be fixed now, if you didn’t get the memo from all my friends and family. I’m not supposed to ever try again, my son is all I’ll ever need, and all the years, the lack of support, all the children I lost, shouldn’t matter.  Except everything still matters. It all still hurts.”  A very honest post.

The roundup to the Roundup: I am cutting down my online time to a half hour per day for 8 days — can I do it?  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between September 21st and September 28th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

On the day that Josh bought me tickets to an upcoming Green Day show for their current tour, I planned out my outfit in my head.  I would wear my new black pants and a black tank top; the pants because they have deep pockets so I won’t have to bring a purse and the top because I planned to dance the whole time.  It was a small thing to look forward to, and I set up my calendar with all of their promotional appearances for the next few weeks to celebrate their new album.

And then, while we were driving back from the funeral, my mother sent me a link to an article with the subject line: “Isn’t this the band that you just purchased tickets to see?”  The lead singer was stepping back from promotional appearances to seek treatment.  Some places reported it as substance abuse.  Others made it sound as if it had more to do with depression.  Regardless, the promotional appearances were removed from the calendar.  We’re not sure right now if the show will go on.

Alanis Morrissette stepped in for the band for their Jimmy Kimmel appearance and she sang their song, “Basket Case.” (Learning it, impressively, 11 minutes before the performance.)  I had never paid a lot of attention to this particular song, and then I heard her version and it was arresting.  There’s a term in Hebrew — ma pitom — and it translates literally as “what suddenly” but is used to convey surprise, disbelief, the fact that something has changed unexpectedly.  And that is the word that I said to myself as I listened to what was now this incredibly sad, incredibly moving account of mental illness.

I don’t know Billie Joe Armstrong (though I do extend my good thoughts to him — as one human being to another — and wish him a good recovery), but hearing the song this way was this ma pitom-like reminder to listen to people. To listen between the lines. To not write off what they’re saying. To not dismiss things. That often times, though we only hear messages after they’re drilled into our heads, they were there all along.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The October list is now closed.  Add yourself to the November list starting on 10/27.
  
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. The Unfair Struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)
3. IUI to Roux-en-Y (pregnant after WLS)
4. Growing Griswolds (IVF, infertility, hope)
5. Team Harries Beats Infertility (waiting, peace, hope)
6. My Life is About the Journey (pregnancy, rpl, anxiety)
7. The 2 Week Wait (infertility, humor, life)
8. Patience is Not My Virtue (ttc, gluten-free, infertility)
9. Feeling Beachie (life, family, humor)
10. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (pg w donated embryos, pg @ 46, parenting)
11. Ready For My Bundle (ivf, pregnant?, family)
12. My Violet Thoughts (mfi, parenting, exhausted)
13. My Bum Ovaries (premature ovarian failure)
14. Somewhere In The Middle (infertility, DIA, waiting)
15. for all the things we hope for (endometriosis, infertility, doula-ing)
16. More Salt (ttc#1, 2ww, miscarriage)
17. The Buggy List (bucketlist, humor, ttc)
18. Breathe Gently (pregnancy, IVF, PCOS)
19. Dancing My Way Through Life, Loss, and Books (loss/ttcal, books, ballroom dance)
20. Waiting for Baby (vasectomy reversal, IUI, PCOS)
21. I’m Just Ducky, Thanks (gestational surrogacy, fear)
22. Unexplained Rantings (infertility, adoption, rpl)
23. Thought Provoking Moments (IVF, Loss, Life)
24. Worth The Wait (ivf#1, 2ww, unexplained)
25. An Engineer Becomes a Mom (adoption, parenting, infertility)
26. Writing for Life (ivf, expat life, uk)
27. (Still) Trying to Conceive (hope, unexplained, break)
28. Baby-Making Merry-go-Round (pre-term labor, hospital bed rest, IVF)
29. Stupid Stork (infertility, ivf, shenanigans)
30. Survive and Thrive (baby after infertility)
31. The Infertility Voice (IVF, donor egg, hopefully pg)
32. Our Journey Through This Lovely Life (ttc adventures life)
33. What A Day For A Daydream (post FET #1, endometriosis, unexplained IF)
34. The Elusive Second Line (RPL, miscarriage, TTC #1)
35. Comatised (cancer, survival, love)
36. Rasta Less Traveled (surrogacy in India, special needs child, twins)
37. Omeletta (food, life, sarcasm)
38. Life Of An Army Wife (infertility army crafting)
39. Wandering Wonderment (family, politics, local news)
40. A Blanket 2 Keep (pregnancy after IF, life)
41. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
42. Serenity Now (infertility, parenting, cycling for #2)
43. Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket (life after infertility)
44. The Childless Mom (ivf-icsi-fet, humor, pregnancy #1)
45. Follow Every Rainbow (unexplained infertility, UK)
46. Lil Family Blog (pregnancy, lesbian, parenting)
47. My (In)fertile Confessions (treating pcos naturally, clean eating, twins)
48. Among the Blossoms (pregnancy after infertility)
49. The Question Now Becomes… (donor insemination, mfi, marriage)
50. IVF Over 40 (advanced maternal age, chromosomal testing, gestational surrogate)
51. Pollination Chronicles (IVF abroad, ectopic, FET for baby#2)
52. This Life of Mine (parenting, loss, preterm labour)
53. Weathering Storms (transracial adoption, parenting, life)
54. From Here to Motherhood (infertility, ttc#1, relationship)
55. Infertility Unexplained (IVF, CCS, infertility)
56. Bébé Suisse (pregnancy after loss, switzerland)
57. The Days of Our Lives (new parent, parenting after losses, faith)
58. R. Sativus (adoption, parenting, infidelity)
59. Life is Simple, It’s Just Not Easy (preemies, twins, life)
60. Sillyness Abounds (parenting after adoption)
61. If You Don’t Stand For Something (MFI, geekiness, general life ramblings)
62. Our W Life (pregnancy after loss)
63. The Closet Infertile (IVF, infertility, staying sane)
64. MRKH Musings (infertility, IVF surrogacy)
65. Who Is This Fertile Myrtle (secondary infertility ivfs failed)
66. One day at a time (adoption, life, school)
67. Tales of A Cautious Optimist (ivf, mfi, infertility)
68. Comprised Fertility (reproductive immunology, working with kids, TTC #1)
69. Believing in June (TTC #2, parenting, infertility)
70. Journey To The Finish Line (pregnant after IVF, twins, humor)
71. Hapa Hopes (IVF#3?, life, decisions)
72. Our Adventures through Infertility (IVF, infertility, life)
73. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, life)
74. The October list is now closed.  Add yourself to the November list starting on 10/27.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is orange, the next month it will be green, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.