We were watching Pete’s Dragon, and the ChickieNob asked how the medical charlatan who rode through town tricked the people time after time since he had obviously been through Passamaquoddy before.  And I explained that where matters of the body are concerned, emotions run high, and people will  sometimes try anything for their health and well-being.

I was thinking about Doc Terminus when I saw the story about the online test to predict your success with IVF tonight.  Step right up, step right up, ladies and gentlemen, for just a tiny sum of money, a mere trifle, Univfy can PREDICT with not-so-great accuracy the chances of a woman having a life birth via IVF.  Step! Right! Up!

That is, if you have around $275.

The cost of a Univfy test ranges from $50 to $100 for the pre-IVF test, to $175 for the Predict IVF test, for women who have already undergone in vitro fertilization and are considering another cycle.

In other words, the information your DOCTOR should be able to tell you in helping you make sound decisions about your medical care, can now be purchased by an independent company which is merely taking statistics such as your age, weight, and fertility history and comparing it to other people in a database.  Against other people in a database, I’m sure I’d look like a good candidate for IVF.  You know, if you didn’t look at my FSH levels.  And if you did look at my FSH levels and look at my pregnancy record, you wouldn’t need to shell out $175 to know that I’m not a good horse to bet on.

I don’t expect much from Univfy, after all, there are a lot of companies out there — from those that make fertility apps to those that do fertility loans — that are trying to cash in on a medical issue.  Where there is money to be made, there will be people in there making money.  And I don’t begrudge people who have put a lot of time and energy into their education or research or equipment or medication asking for fair pay for their hard work.  But what I do mind is when doctors and organizations support companies such as Univfy.

Because we are emotional.  Because we would do anything for peace of mind.  Because we would do anything to increase our chances at success.  And we need good people helping us make good decisions, especially when there are companies out there trying to take advantage of us.  Because there is absolutely no reason why people should be shelling out $175 for someone to analyze their chances at IVF success simply by filling out an online form.  And I really fear the number of people who may pay for the chance at hope.  Because who wouldn’t pay $175 for a dose of hope if they thought that it had the support of respected doctors and organizations?  I certainly would.

What is next?  College sites that compare your GPA, town, and SAT scores in a database to tell you your chances of getting into the schools on your list?  Cancer sites that compare your age, stage of cancer, and smoking history and spits out whether the protocol you’re on really has the 25% chance of working like your doctor says?

I am so angry right now, though relieved to see that my doctor isn’t part of their directory of doctors who “share a vision with Univfy.”  Is yours?

Nor did I see Doc Terminus on the list, though I’m sure he’d step right up to be one of their providers.

I miss how television shows used to run from September until May/June with new episodes, and then, in the summer, you would have repeat episodes of the show in the same time slot.  This was great if you missed an episode during the season, but it was also nice because if you were emotionally attached to the characters in the television show, as often happens for me, you could still see them all summer.  Plus, it was nice to rewatch an episode now knowing what happened down the road in the story because I’d see the events differently.  It was a win-win-win all around.

But now it’s all about new and different and streaming and DVRing and downloading whole seasons to your iPad to watch whenever you want instead of the country watching Ross say Rachel’s name at the wedding AT THE SAME TIME (and hearing the collective gasp go through the apartment complex).  Or it’s contests where you have to text in your vote, and there’s no point in rewatching because the vote has already happened.  And now, when a season ends — and that season probably began at an odd time and not September if you’re watching on cable — you need to wait until the season begins again many months later in order to see new OR old episodes because that time slot goes to a different show, like swimmers jumping off the high dive, and once one is in the pool, the queue moves forward and the next one jumps.

I’m well aware that this makes me sound crotchety.  And that I’m probably in the minority with this.

But we don’t have a DVR.  We don’t really have a functioning tape machine anymore.  We just watch our one-television-show-at-a-time whatever time it airs.  And then we say goodbye until the show returns.  And sometimes we forget about the show entirely and don’t watch it when it comes back like Falling Skies.  And sometimes I just sit around wondering what my characters are doing during our time apart.

Image: gbaku via Flickr

Dear Man Sitting Near Me at Starbuck:

Your kids know that you smoke.

Image: Superfantastic via Flickr

You sounded awfully proud talking to your friend, telling him about how clever you are that you’ve kept your secret smoking breaks from your family so I didn’t want to lean over and pee in your proverbial Cherrios by telling you that I can smell the smoke on your clothes, and I am sitting several feet away from you.  So I’m fairly certain that your child doesn’t need to be a supersleuth to pick up on the scent if you’re giving her a hug when you come home from work or carrying her upstairs to bed.

There are plenty of things that you can get away with if you don’t want your kids to know about it but smoking isn’t one of those things.  You can, for instance, have a few beers after they go to bed and they’ll be none the wiser when they get up in the morning if you hide the evidence.  You can eat the dye-laden junk food that you withhold from them because it’s not healthy.  And you can, apparently, even get away with being a KGB spy.  But you can’t get away with smoking.  Even if you have that cigarette outside.

I grant you, it sounds like it could work in theory.  Pretend you’re going to take out the garbage and then stand by the side of the house to have a cigarette or two.  Smoke dissipates into the air.  Except it doesn’t.  It clings to your clothes like a drunk girl at a bar.

Which means that I can smell it on you.  And everyone at your workplace can smell it on you.  And yes, your kids can smell it on you.  They may be too young to know that the scent equals cigarette smoke — I have no clue how old your adorable moppets are at the moment — but I can guarantee you that by age five or so, they will know that the smell isn’t daddy’s funny soap or some musty detergent that you use to wash your clothes and your clothes alone.  They’ll know it’s cigarette smoke.

At some point, you will have a talk with them or they will hear the message at school or they will encounter it in their Weekly Reader: that cigarettes are bad and they should just say no.  Because we want our kids to say no to cigarettes.  And you will point out that you don’t smoke because you make good choices.  And your kids will be confused because they know you smoke, but they’re being told you don’t smoke.  At first, they may think that the smell is something else, and that they’re mistaken.  But then no, their original thought will be confirmed, and then they will be left contemplating the fact that you want them to be honest with you, but they have irrefutable evidence that you are not being honest with them.

And the first rule of parenting is cover your tracks.

Just kidding: the first rule of parenting is be honest with your kids.

Actually, that’s the time I’m really just kidding.  We all know that the first rule of parenting is cover your tracks.

Man at Starbucks Who is Awfully Proud of Himself, I’m not telling you not to smoke.  I’m telling you to be honest with your kids when you’re caught.  To either choose a vice that is not so easily noticeable, kick the smoking habit, or do it honestly while having an open conversation with your kids about how you wish you had never started.

See, you can have your cigarettes and smoke them too.

Honest parents raise honest kids, and this world needs more trustworthy people and fewer assholes.  So please do your part to not treat your kids like idiots.  They — like me — know that you smoke.

Signed,

Woman Who Smelled You From the Next Table

I paid the twins 50 cents each to try root beer.  I have no idea why it was so important to me that they like root beer.  All I know is that we started at $100 for one taste, and we bargained it down to 50 cents.  And then they tasted it.  The ChickieNob loved it.  The Wolvog said it was okay and he’d try it again in the future.  And I let out the breath I’ve been holding for eight years.

Next up… root beer floats.

*******

“How are you doing?” my friend asked.

Doing.

It’s funny because I was talking to Josh about this idea of not doing.  Why do we always want to know the action taking place in a person’s life?  What about the negative action; the non-action?

I keep thinking this day will come around where we’ll have nothing on our plate and we’ll just chillax.  When I talk about the summer, I talk about sitting on the Bay beaches, reading books.  Getting ice cream.  Riding our bikes.  We’re going to the ocean a few times and driving up to my sister’s house.  Though I have no idea how we’re going to fit all of this in with all the other things that need to get done.  I keep talking about this day when everything will be off my plate, but that day seems to be permanently a few weeks away.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Mother’s Day When a Friend is Struggling” (Funny Little Pollywogs)
• “Why I Hate Mother’s Day” (Mojo Working)
• “Happy Whatever” (The Bloggess)
• “Happy Mother’s Day” (Hidden Infertility)
• “The Other Mothers” (A Half Baked Life)
• “Hope” (Teach Me to Braid)
• “Hold On” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)

Okay, now my choices this week.

I also loved Teach Me to Braid’s post about medicinal hope (see above).  I especially loved this line: “I need a dose that’s big enough to count as positive thinking but small enough that the side effects won’t leave me incapacitated if this cycle’s a bust.”  If only this could be real.

Something Out of Nothing has a post about the Mother’s Day that didn’t end on Sunday but followed after her during the week, tapping her on her shoulder.  She writes, “She was just trying to be polite–probably–but it was one of those moments that stung.  The assumptions.  The invasiveness of a question that seems, on the surface, so innocent.  Not having the ‘right’ answer.  I wonder if she noticed my moment of hesitation.”  Plus, I love the song she ends with.

Battlefish has a note to her mother on Mother’s Day, the first one where she is a mother where she doesn’t have her mother.  I cried hard at this line: “You were just supposed to be here.”  It’s the wish inside the truth.

Lastly, the Barrenness has a post about playing ostrich with Mother’s Day, and it is a gorgeous post about an unexpected moment at church — a must-read for anyone who addresses large, diverse groups in order to understand how small actions can make big differences.  She writes, “When they called for all the mothers to rise, it was like a fortress suddenly popped up all around me.  Like these bodies all suddenly formed deep thick walls; I was shaken, physically and began to fight back a swell of tears, I felt so ostracized.”  And I need to say how much I love her for saying what she said to the aunt.  It was perfect.

The roundup to the Roundup: The twins tried root beer.  How are you doing?  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between May 10th and May 17th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Instead of going through the whole explanation again about how this giant love fest came to be, let’s save the space because you can click here to read about the project and find out how you can participate in the next one.

The words below come from the hearts of others around the blogosphere. If your blog is featured below, I hope you carry these good thoughts with you, use them to continue writing and continue putting your heart out there.

• Yeah, Science!: I can’t believe this woman even had to contemplate starting a blog.  Her writing is so honest and hilarious, that I get genuinely excited when a new post shows up on my feed.  It never even feels like reading, it feels like sitting down with a girlfriend who you’ve known forever and can be your free, uninhibited self with.
• Dragondreamer’s Lair: Kristin is one of the kindest and caring people I know. She never fails to reach out and give her support to anyone who may need it.
• Old Lady and No Baby: Amber is a pretty amazing person. She is one of the most dedicated commenters I have ever seen, and her comments are always kind and supportive!
• A Single Journey: Michaela is an amazing writer & talented story teller. I am amazed by her strength…I admire her honesty…my heart breaks for her pain & loss.
• Stirrup Queens: There are so many reasons why I love Mel, why so many people around the WORLD love Mel, but I want to show my appreciation for one thing in particular. Her unflinching support of reproductive choice. All reproductive choice. As a blogger with a large readership, she sometimes takes a hit when she posts about pro-choice issues. I admire her insistence on standing up and saying this is important. For us, and for future generations.
• The Lucky Life: She is one of the kindest spirits one will meet. She is someone who is also in touch with reality. She has seen terrible pain in her lifetime and infertility has also left its ugly scars, but the realism and the calm spirit that she is carries through in every post of hers.
• Are You Kidding Me?: I love her comments. She is not blogging very consistently now, but she is a champion commenter, and there is sense and logic to everything she says. I love her dry wit and how she always makes a valid point.
• We say IVF, They say FIV: She is very sensitive and I feel like she gets it. We are worlds apart, from very different backgrounds, and our lives are very different and yet, it seems she and I share this common invisible thread that ties our thoughts. I find that I would process a number of things the exact same way as she did.
• Kmina’s Blog: Her humour is a killer. She effortlessly seams in humour and sarcasm in her posts. Never out of place, never futile… I find myself grinning so often. She is also very kind, and generous with her comments.
• Kmina’s Blog: While I love Mina’s blog, where she really shines is in her comments.  She’s a frequent commenter – always thoughtful and frequently hilarious.
• Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off: Mrs. Spit is someone who is working hard to learn new things about herself and apply that knowledge to the world.  She does a fine job of expressing all the joys and sorrows and challenges of her life.
• Mama Said Knock You Out: Yo-yo Mama’s blog is a place where you can tell that someone is pouring their heart out.  Family life, annoying coworkers, adorable and challenging children – subjects that all lend themselves to giving a true glimpse at someone’s internal mental workings.

Love this project?  Click here to read about it and find out how you can participate in the next one.  When is the next one?  That’s the beauty of it – you never know when these kind words will show themselves, though I always post once I have a critical mass of blurbs.