Presales for my next book, Apart at the Seams, have started rolling out in online stores such as Amazon.  The paper versions aren’t up yet, but you can preorder for Kindle/Kindle App.  I also have the cover.  Ta-da!

You can order it now and have it on June 7th.

That’s a hint?

Pretty please?

Just think, you can learn whose legs those are on the cover picture.  Is that Ethan?  Or is it Noah?  I know, but I’m not going to tell you.  Because I’m mean.

But you should read the book just because I had to bother a lot of people — from the staff of the Daily Show to the atelier director at Narciso Rodriguez — in order to bring verisimilitude to the story.  I had to learn how a comedy news show comes together AND learn about riri zippers.  And all of this will be for naught if you don’t read the new book.

It is the perfect beach or pool read, and it’s finally getting warm outside, so preorder and you’ll have it by June 7th.  And then you can finish it before everyone else, and hold your knowledge of the owner of the cover legs over their heads.

So… uh… order it now?  And blissfully know what you’ll be reading on June 7th.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations. Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form after adding the icon below: The May list is now closed.  The June list will open on 5/27.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

The May 2014 List

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Breathe Gently (mum-of-1-year-old, IVF, PCOS)
3. Life As I Know It (life, parenting, twins)
4. My Lady of the Lantern (parenting post-IF and neonatal loss, newly pregnant)
5. One Step at a Time (toddler after infertility)
6. Life’s Little Bump (IVF, recurrent miscarriage, faith)
7. In Due Time (loss, grief, faith)
8. Me vs Infertility (ivf, miscarriage, feelings)
9. Life Breath Present (family, life, adventures)
10. Just Another Infertility Blog (infertility, ivf, life)
11. A Little Bit More (TTC, infertility, life)
12. Climbing the Pomegranate Tree (IVF, anticipation, MFI)
13. Amateur Nester (infertility, faith, encouragement)
14. Lil Family Blog (parenting, motherhood, disabilities)
15. Birds, Bees, and Medicine (IVF, pregnancy, psychobabble)
16. Muddy Boots and Diamonds (kids, PPD, life)
17. Baby On Mind (embryo adoption, infertility, 40+)
18. Recovering Beauty (love, life, recovery)
19. Stellar (love, life, survival)
20. Comatised (love, life, survival)
21. Suzanne Nicole (infertility, photography, psychology)
22. Joyfully Infertile (infertility, loss, G-d)
23. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, parenting)
24. Life of an Army Wife (army, donor gametes, pregnancy)
25. Everything Christine (adventures, life, love)
26. Baking & Babies (baking, parenting, PCOS)
27. Ready Now God (family, life, reviews)
28. The Quest for a Tiny Human (infertility, iui, fur babies)
29. Infertile Girl in a Fertile World (IVF, infertility, coping)
30. The May list is now closed.  The June list will open on 5/27.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is yellow, the next month it will be red, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

33 years ago, on July 3, 1981, the New York Times first reported on AIDS.  Back then, they didn’t call it AIDS.  It didn’t have a name yet though it clearly had an existence.

32 years ago, on September 24, 1982, the CDC used the term AIDS for the first time.

30 years ago, just four days ago marking April 23, 1984, scientists revealed that the cause of AIDS was HIV, a retrovirus that infects cells in the immune system. This discovery led to the creation of a blood test that could detect HIV, saving countless lives and giving answers to people who had been suffering the effects of the virus. 30 years ago, the Secretary of Health and Human Services thought we’d have a vaccine within two years.

Next year, it will be the 30 year anniversary of Ryan White and the death of Rock Hudson.  Two years from now will be the 30th anniversary of  Cleve Jones making the first square in the AIDS quilt.  2018 will mark the 30th World AIDS Day on December 1st.  We will keep hitting 30th anniversaries until the calender shifts a decade and we start seeing the 40th anniversary articles for HIV/AIDS.

I came of age in an HIV-cognizant world.  I was ten and in summer camp when I first heard about HIV.  The swim counselor was reading an article, talking about it with a fellow counselor, while my friends and I shared a single bowl of vanilla ice cream, passing around a spoon.  It was the afternoon, almost time for camp to end for the day, and I asked my mother about it when I got home.  She told me I didn’t need to worry; that it was a disease that only affected older, gay men.  That’s what we thought back in 1984.

I remember my first cheek swab test.  I remember taking a boyfriend for his first cheek swab test.  HIV used to be in the forefront of my mind; it used to be in the forefront of everyone’s mind.  I feel as if we’ve come a long way from when Pedro Zamora was on The Real World; when Elizabeth Glaser was on the cover of People magazine.  When Rent was on Broadway and Philadelphia was in the theaters.  Not a long way in the sense of progress — though there has certainly been medical advances — but a long way from when the media was continuously reminding us not only to be mindful of our health, but that there were people around us living with HIV/AIDS.  Where did the media coverage go?  The storylines that educated the public?  Why are the articles all clumped around World AIDS Day or Youth AIDS Day or these 30-year anniversaries?

Perhaps I’m wrong.  Maybe it’s just the circle I move inside.  Maybe if I were younger, it would be all around me, a constant discussion.

Where were you when you first learned about HIV/AIDS?

I’ve never really struggled with seasonal allergies.  It’s a fact that I’m sort of proud of.  I may or may not have put it on my resume.  But this spring, the Pollen Vortex (spring’s response to winter’s Polar Vortex) is hitting me hard.  I finally gave in at the beginning of the week and got Allegra.

It took a lot for me to put the box of allergy medication in my shopping cart despite feeling like crap.  I felt like grabbing the woman stocking medicines at the end of the aisle and shouting in her face, “I don’t have allergies!  I don’t need this.”  But I didn’t do that because that would be inappropriate and wholly false.  My watery eyes, sneezing nose, and itchy throat were all evidence to the contrary.

So I took my first Allegra, and an hour later, I felt like a different person.  Everything on my face had dried up.  The pressure in my head receded.  I felt foolish that I had waited so long to try Allegra; what was the big deal about admitting I had allergies?  I marveled at how quickly the medicine acted, and people informed me that it likely wasn’t the medicine at all since it takes days to get up to full strength.  I am choosing to ignore this fact.

I am a new woman.  A new, much dryer woman.

*******

Speaking of my watery eyes, did you know that just as you are right handed or left handed, you are also right-eye dominant or left-eye dominant?  I didn’t know this until this week.  But I discovered during an email exchange that I am right handed but left eye dominant.  This explains why I have terrible aim.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “A Blast to the Head” (A Crack in Everything)
• “25 Worst Expression to Say to an Infertile Friend” (Waiting for Baby Bird)

Okay, now my choices this week.

It’s NIAW, so obviously, a lot of the posts in the blogosphere either addressed the theme or discussed NIAW in general.

Searching for Our Silver Lining has a post about the emotional impact of infertility.  She addresses how isolating an experience infertility can be when you are surrounded by people easily conceiving and delivering babies.  She writes, “With each surprise pregnancy announcement from others on the heels of another BFN or miscarriage, stealing ourselves became survival mechanism.”  It’s a great post that should be shared near and far.

Where the *Bleep* is Our Stork also has a NIAW post, responding to an insensitive sentiment posted on a blog.  She takes us through her anger and doubt and confusion and finally to the peace that comes when she realizes how much love she has known in this world.  I absolutely love the final two paragraphs of the post.

The Great Big IF has a post about why she didn’t write a NIAW post this year despite intending to do so.  She writes about how infertility drains her emotionally, keeping her from both reaching out to others also experiencing infertility as well as diving into non-IF endeavours.  She writes, “So, while I would love to resolve to know more about a lot of things, the truth is, I’m not sure I can make that promise now. Maybe when I’m not so up to my eyeballs in my own trench I might be ready. One day.”  A very honest post.

Lastly, Bereaved and Blessed writes about the only picture she has of her whole family on the day that her daughter was born and died.  She has always had mixed feelings about this photo, especially the way she looks in it.  But a friend tells her how she sees the photograph, changing the lens through which the author views herself, holding her little girl.

The roundup to the Roundup: I may or may not have allergies.  I am left-eye dominant.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between April 18th and April 25th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

40 has always loomed large in my mind.  I remember being younger and kids discussing whose parents were over 40 and whose parents were still under 40.  I don’t remember my parents turning 40, but I remember hiding upstairs with my cousin during her mother’s 40th birthday party.  She had a waiter walking around the room, bringing hors d’oeuvres to the adults, and I thought that was the epitome of sophistication.  The waiter was gorgeous and named Marco.  I promised myself that when I turned 40, I would have a gorgeous waiter named Marco bringing us fancy Shirley Temple cocktails on a silver platter.

I am turning 40 this year.

One needs to be okay with it in the sense that the alternative is that I am dead and not turning 40.  But in all other regards, I’m not okay with it.  I’ve been barreling towards 40, seeing it in front of me and feeling as if I’m in an out-of-control car that is about to crash into that numerical wall.  And come out the other side?  And simply stop?  What happens once I cross that age line?  Beyond the obvious answer of nothing.  I am well aware that I will wake up the next day and still be the same person living the same life.  So why does this randomly-chosen age have such a hold over my emotions?

I worry about vitality.  Am I needed?  Luckily, I chose a career that can go on indefinitely.  That doesn’t change appreciably over time so there is rarely new things to learn.  An essay is an essay.  If I could teach a child how to write an essay at 30, I could teach a child how to write an essay at 80.  It’s a low-tech base of knowledge, and the changes come so slowly that it’s not very difficult to keep up.  Also, while publishers may expect me to know how to upload a manuscript using their FTP client, as long as I have the basics of word processing down, I can pretty much sail on for decades.  I don’t work in a field such as engineering or medicine that demands that I stay knowledgeable about new advances.  So on one hand, I feel as if that sense of vitality is on lock. (Isn’t that what the young’uns say?)

But is my voice as meaningful at 40?  My mentor used to have me list my age in my cover letter for submissions.  He said my young age was one of my selling points.  He stopped telling me to list my age somewhere in my thirties.  The message I’ve gotten over the years from society as a whole is that the ideas of the young are fresh! exciting! brilliant! new! whereas the ideas of the old are weary! worn! mundane! out-of-touch!  Do I think this is true?  No.  Especially because I can point at writers who have gotten better with age.  First books are rarely as good as fifth books in terms of construction.  But is that the message I’ve picked up in our youth-obsessed culture?  Absolutely.

I worry about still being visible.  About still contributing to society.  My opinion being heard.  About making a difference.  I’ve grown accustomed to the world treating me in a certain manner, and I don’t want to lose that type of interaction with the greater whole.  My thirties were pretty damn sweet.  I want my forties to follow suit.

I don’t know how to mark the occasion.  Marco delivering a Shirley Temple on a silver platter no longer appeals to me.  I don’t want to have a do-gooder party like Josh, mostly because I am not as good a person.  We’re not really in a financial space right now to host a big party, and I’m not really a big party person anyway.  I could grab my cousin and serve us Shirley Temples to honour that childhood promise.  Part of me wants to go somewhere loud and kitschy like Dollywood and Graceland, and part of me wants to go sit on a deserted beach and contemplate the ocean in silence.  Nothing that I’ve come up with so far feels quite right for marking the moment.

What did you do to mark 40?  Or if you’re younger than I am, what do you plan to do to mark the occasion?  I may borrow your ideas since I am too old and decrepit to come up with my own.