After my aunt died this winter, I continued to work on the family tree on my own.  It was slow-going and frustrating.  I had filled in everything I could find on my own, and now I was just randomly Googling combinations of names with the hope of finding an obit or some synagogue announcement that would give me another of the missing ones.  There was one flimsy branch of the family tree which was barely filled in.  It bothered me.

My cousin sent me a large stack of his mother’s papers a few weeks ago, and I started to sift through them.  And there, as if I was getting to have one final conversation with her, were the names I was looking for.  I started sobbing, feeling such a huge sense of relief that I had a few more names; certain that it would be an easy search to bring me more.

Of course, that wasn’t the case.

I Googled for a few hours and then stopped, and then Googled some more the next day and stopped, growing more and more frustrated that no one was alive anymore that would know this information.  I kept walking away and returning to pick at the tree, and finally, last week, an obituary popped up, listing one of the people I was trying to find.  The man had died a few weeks ago.

There was no wife listed and no children; only his parents and sister who predeceased him.  They listed his degrees and his former position as a professor.  I found his old address online.  He lived alone in an apartment, which was probably now filled by someone else.  I read his former students’ critique of his teaching style.

I ended up calling his department at the university, where the sympathetic secretary passed me along to HR.  Yes, they knew him.  No, they couldn’t tell me anything about him.  They promised they would get someone in touch with me who could answer my questions, but no one called me back.

I waited a few days and used my last idea: I called the funeral home.

The funeral director looked through his papers and told me that the executor of the will arranged the funeral.  There were no children, and only an ex-wife that he divorced decades ago.  There were no other names he could give me because there were no other names written in the file.   He promised to pass my number to the lawyer who arranged the service.  I’m still waiting for that call too.

Each time I call one of these ridiculous places such as the university or the funeral home (do I really expect his old workplace to be able to name his cousins?), I feel this need to explain that I’m not crazy; I’m just sentimental, and I hate the idea of these people not appearing on the tree as if they never existed.  Part of me agrees when people say that I’ve done a great job; I’ve collected hundreds of names.

But all I see are those missing spots on the tree, the names I didn’t collect.

Any other ideas from people who are skilled at finding obits or marriage records?

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations. Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form after adding the icon below: The August list is now closed.  The September list will open on 8/27.
  
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

The August 2014 List

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. In Due Time (faith, waiting, health)
3. No Kidding in NZ (childless, childfree, infertility)
4. Breathe Gently (pregnant-through-IVF, FET, toddler-mum)
5. Four Years Later… (secondary infertility, stillborn baby, IUI)
6. Climbing the Pomegranate Tree (FET, hysteroscopy, MFI)
7. An Engineer Becomes a Mom (adoption, relationships, infertility)
8. Amateur Nester (infertility, faith, encouragement)
9. A Place To Feel The Light (creativity self expression writing)
10. My Life Is About The Journey (miscarriage, parenting, body-image)
11. Hopeful Luna (infertility, nutrition, health)
12. One Step at a Time (toddler after infertility)
13. Life of an Army Wife (army, postpartum depression, hysterectomy)
14. Baby, Borneo or Bust (parenting, expat life, cooking)
15. Recovering Beauty (love, life, recovery)
16. Comatised (adventures, life, love)
17. Stellar (adventures, life, love)
18. Everything Christine (adventures, life, love)
19. Life’s Little Bump (IVF, faith, miscarriage)
20. Sweet Dreams are Made of This (waiting to adopt, faith in Jesus, everyday life)
21. Birds, Bees, and Medicine (pregnancy, IVF, psychology)
22. Muddy Boots and Diamonds (children, life, parenting)
23. Living Our Miracle (embryo adoption, premature ovarian failure, expecting twins)
24. Just Another Infertility Blog (infertility, fet, ivf)
25. The Barreness (infertility, art, thriving)
26. The Quest for a Tiny Human (infertility, IVF, fur babies)
27. The August list is now closed.  The September list will open on 8/27.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is purple, the next month it will be yellow, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

I am somewhat stunned when ethicists propose policies that discriminate against groups of people.  The job of an ethicist is to hold society to a standard; to ensure that we’re comporting ourselves in a way that is just and humane.  So I question when any ethicist, such as Cristina Richie, asks society to create policy that would target removing services from certain segments of the population.  Such as… oh… I don’t know… proposing that fertility treatment coverage be denied to those in the LGBT community or single mothers by choice.

Richie published a paper in the Journal of Medical Ethics this week and in the abstract stated, “Second, I will recommend that policymakers eliminate funded ARTs for those who are not biologically infertile.”  Why does she believe that only those who have a documented medical reason for not being able to conceive should receive the state mandated coverage (she lives in Massachusetts) of their infertility treatments?

Because she wants to create an incentive for those in the LGBT community and single women to adopt.

Since, you know, adoption is easy-peasy when you’re a lesbian or a single woman.  And it costs the same amount as insurance-covered fertility treatments.  And… oh… wait.  I guess it’s opposite day.

I’m not sure how ethical it is for ethicists to propose that the way to tackle environmental problems is to choose two historically oppressed groups and deny them the services that other people in their state are able to utilize.  Where does it stop?  Is the next step for Richie to propose that only those who are able to conceive without assistance be able to build their family?  And really, why should those who can have sex and create a child be allowed to have sex and create a child?  Wouldn’t the world be better and the overall carbon footprint reduced if humans stopped reproducing altogether and we allowed people to die off within the next hundred years or so?

And yes, I know that there is a whole movement of people proposing that brilliant idea.

But why stop at fertility treatments?  I mean, you have to allow non-smokers access to cancer treatments, but smokers?  Think of the dent we could make in our carbon footprint if we told smokers that their cancer treatments weren’t covered.  And why should obese men have their insurance shell out money when they have a heart attack?  I mean, it would be cruel to not treat lean vegetarians, but beer-drinking, meat-eaters?  They brought it upon themselves.  Maybe if they knew that we weren’t going to cover their medical treatment, it would encourage people to stop smoking — which contributes to the destruction of the environment — or eat meat — which certainly affects the earth.

But that isn’t how humans treat other humans.

I guess I’m just disappointed that Richie’s proposed solution to our environmental crisis is discrimination.  I expect a little more creativity and a little more humanity from those aiming to change the world.

Ooooh, this is so trippy, but it totally worked for me. By this point, I get how he did it, but without touching the pause button or doing anything other than watch and play along (it’s only a minute video), tell me if it worked for you.  Make sure you watch all the way to the end!

Did it work for you?

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Yes, this is your weekly reminder to back up your blog, social media accounts, and email.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “The Problem with the Vocal Minority” (My Cheap Version of Therapy)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Better Full Than Empty popped up with a post recently.  (I’m late with this, and strangely, I read it and commented BEFORE I wrote the last Roundup.  But I missed my bookmark until now.  And since it’s my blog and I write the rules, I’m including it.  So there.)  She imagines the-child-that-should-have-been as a two-year-old.  She writes, “On days like today the giant pile of what isn’t weighs me down. I have hit a wall.”  It’s a beautiful, brief post about mourning.

Birds, Bees, and Medicine has a post about baby showers: why she doesn’t want one and why she is having one.  And I just liked the idea of a clambake/non-babyish baby shower.  It’s fun to see people thinking outside the box.

Lastly, The Road Not Travelled is reeling after being laid off from her job.  She compares the sensation of disbelief over hearing the news to the astonishment she felt after her daughter died.  She brings us right into the moment with “sitting on an almost-empty homebound train, staring out the window…”  As she says, she survived 16 years ago, and she will survive this too.

The roundup to the Roundup: Did the magic trick work for you?  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between July 18th and July 25th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

This is the first year since 2008 that I’m not going to BlogHer.  It feels very weird to be reading about everyone else getting ready to go and not packing myself.  I mean, I know the vast majority of people reading this blog experience that yearly.  But consider how odd you would feel if you were reading about all of your classmates returning to school, and you were staying home for some reason.  Wouldn’t you feel out-of-sorts?

The best way I can describe what it is like to be at BlogHer is to compare it to Alice’s foray into Wonderland.  You feel as if you’ve fallen through the computer screen, into a world with interesting people and good food and clean sheets (with maybe a little bit of fretting about home at the same time).  You’ll be talking to someone, and then their name tag will flip around and you’ll realize that this is the author of a blog you read, or you’ll strike up a conversation with the person behind you as you wait for an open stall in the bathroom, and you’ll end up finding a new favourite blogger.

There is an energy there, an energy that you can pocket and take with you out of the conference, which is a rarity these days.  Everything moves so quickly online that just when you think you’ve found your groove, everything shifts and you’re looking for it again.  But I walk out of that conference with blog ideas and project ideas and new things to add to my space or try out or people to partner with or book topics.  And that buzzing doesn’t die down the moment I step onto the plane; it’s a soft denouement that stays with me through the fall and into the winter.

So it’s weird to not be in San Jose this week.

I will be following along from home.  Reading the tweets and looking at pictures.  And joining the at-home Skype group (and you can too).  I’ll be celebrating some family birthdays and glad that I’m here to experience that.  And I’ll be planning to be back at BlogHer next summer.

But for everyone who is going this year, you’re so lucky.  It’s a wonderful experience.  Enjoy every second of it.