Pace yourself.  I still have a few more thoughts from Matthew Quick’s book, Every Exquisite Thing.  You don’t have to read the book to follow these posts and have an opinion because I’m using the book as a springboard to other mental spaces.  If you want to read the other posts I’ve written about this book, you can find them here, here, and here.

I learned that I really don’t like it when people speak about themselves in third person.

This was not a shocking revelation — I’m always annoyed when I see people writing about themselves in third person.  Nor is it a shocking revelation for anyone else in the book.  When the main character, Nanette, begins to speak in third-person, she is greeted with this bon mot:

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but your talking in third person is positively unnerving. It’s like a punishment for the rest of the world (p. 168).”

Yeah, that’s how I feel, too.

But backing up for a moment, it was enlightening to first read why she is speaking about herself in third person and then realize that I was still annoyed with her usage of third person.

The idea comes from her therapist, June, who asks her to stop using the word “I.”

“We live in our heads, Nanette, which can be very scary places. We forget that we are not just an I, but a she and a you, too. We forget to see ourselves as others see us. For some people, the problem is narcissism—meaning they are selfish, too self-absorbed. But I think that your problem is that you are too selfless. You care about the needs of others more than you care about your own needs. You are strong for them even when it’s a detriment to your own well-being” (p. 146).

The solution is to move into a third person mindset. The therapist leads her to this experiment:

“I want you to do an experiment,” June says, and then suggests that I should begin to think of myself in the third person—not as an I but as a she. “Nanette is very good at making decisions for other people. She clearly sees that Alex shouldn’t have done what he did. But when she is deciding for the first-person I, Nanette, she is much less sure. So why not live in the third person for a bit and see how that goes? See yourself as someone else. Refer to yourself as Nanette in your inner monologue—the words that run through your brain all day. Kill the I. Maybe begin to keep a diary in the third person, too (p. 147 – 148).

But here’s the interesting thing: even knowing that this is sound advice — that we are better at thinking through solutions for other people and terrible at giving advice to ourselves and that we all could benefit from getting outside of our heads and considering ourselves from a different angle — still… I WAS COMPLETELY ANNOYED BY HER SPEAKING IN THIRD PERSON.

Like the whole book moves from first person to third person.  And it annoyed me.  Completely.

And, at the same time, intrigued me.  What would I learn about myself by speaking in third person day in and day out?

What do you think of this idea?  Are you also annoyed when people speak about themselves in third person?

My mind was blown last week with a Modern Mrs. Darcy post about interest span.

So you know your attention span — the length of time we pay attention to something before becoming distracted (about 8 seconds) — and how segments of the self-help movement are focused on helping you lengthen your attention span?

But what about your interest span?  When you’re interested in something, you stick with it for a long time.  You watch the whole episode.  You read the whole book.  She writes,

It’s not our attention span that causes us to zone out when we’re bored; it’s our interest span. We don’t lose focus when we care about what we’re watching, or reading, or listening to. And, interestingly, the thing that’s most likely to hook us, to get us to care, is empathy.

So she points out that certain things make us zone out and check our phones or fidget or daydream, and other things keep our focus.  She has started asking herself important questions: “when am I tempted to zone out? When do I get distracted, and what do I do when I am? Do I truly not struggle (much) to pay attention to the things I care deeply about?”

That’s what I mean — mind blown.

Because… there are plenty of times I don’t zone out.  Sometimes it’s because the stakes are high (driving).  Other times it’s because I am so into what I’m reading or watching or whom I’m talking to.  But… yeah… there are other times when I grab the phone while I’m watching a television show and check email.

My actions are stating that the email is more important than the episode on the screen.  While the episode’s feelings are never going to be hurt from that, showing another human being in front of me that they’re not holding my interest will lead to hurt feelings.  So… knowing that I’m showing that waning interest through my actions, I am paying close attention to the signals I’m sending out to the people around me.

What do you think about that distinction between interest span and attention span?  Does your mind always wander or are there times when you are absorbed in the moment?

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I did not participate in the 10 concert Facebook meme because (1) I don’t go to a lot of concerts.  Yes, I’ve been to over 10 during the course of my lifetime, but I’m not a big concert goer and don’t really feel like reminiscing about them.  (2) I go to most concerts for other people.  Therefore, my concert list doesn’t reflect my musical tastes.  (3) I didn’t really get the point of the lie unless you constantly speak about concerts.  I did a tongue-in-cheek version swapping in theater instead of concerts because it is a running joke that I talk about certain plays incessantly.  The ones on the list are the ones that people generally roll their eyes about when I start quoting from them.

A side comment: when we cleaned out our bookcases, we found 8 copies of the same Dürrenmatt play.

Anyway, I did go to a concert last week — Midnight Oil.  It felt like slipping on a t-shirt from high school.  90% of the reason I wanted to go to the show was to watch Peter Garrett dance.  But normally, not a concert fan.

Do you like concerts?  And did you do the meme if you don’t really like concerts?

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Are you also doing #MicroblogMondays? Add your link below. The list will be open until Tuesday morning. Link to the post itself, not your blog URL. (Don’t know what that means? Please read the three rules on this post to understand the difference between a permalink to a post and a blog’s main URL.) Only personal blogs can be added to the list. I will remove any posts that are connected to businesses or are sponsored post.

It is really hard to answer “why” questions, and now someone has actually done research to explain how it gets easier to think when you change “why” questions into “what” questions.  The author states:

Why questions draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.

If someone asked me, “what kind of ice cream do you like?” I would say, “Coffee chip.”  Black-and-white question, concrete answer.  But if someone follows that up with, “why do you like coffee chip?” the answer gets a lot more muddled.  Because… it’s bitter and sweet at the same time?  But I don’t really like other bitter and sweet combinations.  Because… it reminds me of coffee in the morning?  Not really…  I don’t know why I like it; I just do.

What asks us for information.  Why asks us to explain ourselves.

I really liked the part where she talked about how answering “what” questions got the guy rolling towards helpful information.  It’s as if hearing some truth sparks a person toward deeper truths because the words feel right.  It’s like when you put on a new pair of jeans and you know it’s the right fit before they’re over your hips.  I mean, once the jeans are zipped up, you know it’s right.  But even before that, you have a sense that you’re putting on something that fits.

And maybe hearing some facts that ring true as we work toward understanding drives us closer to gathering useful information about ourselves.  If we can just take a few steps down that road, the rest of the thoughts come to us.  Like therapy, like talking things out with a therapist and realizing things that were dormant in your brain the whole time.

I don’t have a huge decision to make right now, but I’m going to try this the next time I have to figure something out.  Switch my “whys” to “whats” and see where things go.

And lest you worry that “why” questions have no place, the author points out that “a good rule of thumb, then, is that why questions are generally better to help us understand events in our environment but what questions are generally better to help us understand ourselves.”

Grappling with anything at the moment?  Does changing your questions from why to what bring you toward clarity?

I babysat for the same family for many years, and the little girl always said “fitch the lights” when she got into bed.  She was trying to say “pitch the lights,” like her parents (who were from South Africa), but it always came out as “fitch the lights.”  So for years, my friend and I would say, “fitch the lights!” whenever we wanted someone to turn them off.

I was recently reading a book and the word “fitch” popped up, and I decided to Google the girl (she became an OB/GYN) and then the term “fitch the lights.”  Of course nothing popped up.  But then I Googled “pitch the lights,” and nothing came up for that phrase, too.

Weird.

So I turned to Josh and said, “what does ‘pitch the lights’ mean?”  And he answered that it meant to turn them off.  Then I asked him to Google the phrase and we couldn’t find it.  And then I asked on Twitter and Facebook.  Most people said they would assume I meant to throw out the lights, but clearly that thought never crossed my mind.  The only thing I have ever thought since the first time the family said “pitch the lights” is to turn them off.

But if you Google it, this is likely the only place that phrase will show up.  Even though I’ve used that phrase for the last 20+ years, having learned it from this family.

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Stop procrastinating.  Go make your backups.  Don’t have regrets.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “SprinkleJoyforIvy” (Joy in All Things)

Okay, now my choices this week.

My Path to Mommyhood has a bittersweet post about the decision to stop the family building process.  They are not renewing their home study and will step away from adoption.  It is a post about making a hard decision and understanding that while it will hurt, it is also what is best and healthiest.  I love how it is framed as a birthday present to herself.  She writes: “But also, I feel that it is the right decision, despite the ways self-doubt creeps in via imaginary voices and arguments with people who might question our decision. Despite the fact that anyone who we have actually told has responded with nothing but compassion and empathy. As they should, quite frankly. This is a huge loss.”  Please also read her follow-up post.

No Kidding in NZ has a post about how changing where she is on Mother’s Day makes facing the day easier.  You don’t need to travel halfway around the world to test her idea.  Her point is that going about your normal day in your normal space means you’ll encounter exactly what you dread encountering.  Doing something completely different means the possibilities will change.

Surrender Dorothy has what is definitely the best duck-related story of the week but it’s really a post about finding signs when you need them.  And… we were celebrating Truman Day that day, which we’ve always claimed for our Truman.  So including that in the post — for me — went hand-in-hand with the ducklings as a sign that everything is going to be okay.

Lastly, as LTYM comes to a close, I wanted to highlight a gorgeous LTYM post by Family Building with a Twist.  She writes, “On quiet news days, I want to exhale and think that it will all be OK.  Maybe we’re just hyper aware of everything in 2017 thanks to social media and the Internet.  On other days, I feel like that poor guy in Munch’s painting, screaming into the void.”  She puts into words what a lot of us have been feeling while processing the news every day.

The roundup to the Roundup: Pitch the lights!  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between May 5th and 12th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.