I am almost done with these posts about Matthew Quick’s book, Every Exquisite Thing.  You don’t have to read the book to follow these posts and have an opinion because I’m using the book as a springboard to other mental spaces.  If you want to read the other posts I’ve written about this book, you can find them here, here, here, here, here, and here.

It’s sometimes hard to know what YOU want and what you think you want.  Or what you think you should want so you try to make yourself want it.  I think everyone who gets a surprise diagnosis of infertility goes through at least a few minutes (some people marinate a lot longer) asking themselves if they really want to be a parent or whether they’re doing it because they think they should be doing it.  If you’re about to go above and beyond usual family building protocols, you’re going to do a gut check.

(Personally, I think even if a person doesn’t experience infertility, it behooves them to really sit with the decision for a while before committing to an answer.)

But it’s hard to know.  You think you know, but do you really know?  The same with college and marriage and every big life commitment; are you doing it because you get a sense it’s what is supposed to happen next, or are you willing it to happen because you love the idea?

Nanette struggles with this in the book.  In a conversation with her therapist, June, on page 172, she learns what every adult knows: that your first goals are rarely your last goals, and sometimes we don’t realize what interests us or who interests us until we’ve gone down a lot of dead-end streets.

When she’s asked what keeps her going (in other words, what she loves), June volunteers that she loves ice cream and the idea of going to Japan.  Those are the things that keep her going.

Nanette doesn’t know what she wants or loves, so she remains quiet.

June says, “I didn’t know I wanted to go to Japan when I was your age. I didn’t know I wanted to be a therapist, either. I thought I was going to be a surgeon, mostly because my father was a surgeon. You pick up goals and hopes along the way. Don’t worry, there are more in your future. You’ll see. And you will change. Change can be good. Caterpillar to butterfly.”

Later on page 254, Nanette asks:

“But how do I move forward? I have no idea!”

“Sometimes you just have to pick a direction and make mistakes. Then you use what you learn from your failure to pick new, better directions so you can make more mistakes and keep learning.”

It’s so simple. And yet it’s so scary. You’re only on earth for a short period of time. You don’t want to mess it up.

What did you think you wanted to do when you were younger?  I thought I wanted to go to Oberlin and become an oncologist.  Life turned out a little differently, which upon reflection, was a good thing.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I was reading an old Modern Mrs. Darcy post and she asked about dinner staples: recipes you keep making again and again because can throw them together quickly without having to think deeply.

Pasta with tomato sauce immediately popped to mind.  We eat spaghetti with tomato sauce (with a side Caesar mostly following Alton Brown’s recipe) at least once every other week.  We also do huevos rancheros about once a week.  In the winter, we eat a lot of vegetarian chili (served over spaghetti) or English pea soup (from Mary McCartney).  My hummus and pita is also pretty mindless.  Oh!  And I make pizza from scratch once a week.  None of those things require me to read a recipe.

What are the meals you have over and over again in your home?

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Are you also doing #MicroblogMondays? Add your link below. The list will be open until Tuesday morning. Link to the post itself, not your blog URL. (Don’t know what that means? Please read the three rules on this post to understand the difference between a permalink to a post and a blog’s main URL.) Only personal blogs can be added to the list. I will remove any posts that are connected to businesses or are sponsored post.

Last weekend, we took a day trip to the beach.  Our normal beach is too far away for a day trip, so we opted for a closer beach.

The closer beach isn’t ideal.  It has a lot of bars and a younger crowd.  The beach is smaller, so people sit closer together.  It feels a little chaotic when you’re there on-season, though that feeling dissipates during the off-season.  Still, it’s a beach.  It’s in driving distance.  All I wanted was a place to plop down with a book for a few hours and eat greasy Thrasher’s fries.

With the sound of the ocean.

That last part is important because all the other things could take place anywhere else.  I could read anywhere else and French fries are easy to come by in this country.  But I wanted to be by the water.  Other people wanted to be by the water, too.  The only difference was that they wanted to listen to their music through enormous speakers.

Imagine a person sitting down next to you with a guitar amp.  A big, black box that is about the size of a small file cabinet.  The person begins playing their music.  Loudly.  It’s not terrible music, but it completely blots out all the other sounds around you.  Like the ocean.  You move.  Another person settles down next to you with another amp.  Frat boys.  Techno music.  You move.  And you move again.  And you move again.  And finally you decide that you’re not having fun.

I’m not bothered by talking around me.  I’m in a public space, and there isn’t another option for having a conversation.  I’m not bothered by people playing a game next to me.  If they want to play a game or build a sandcastle, it means they’re going to run around next to me.  But I’m annoyed about the music thing because there IS another way to listen to music.  With headphones.  There is an option that impacts no one around the person, but they’re not taking it.

The worst, the absolutely worst, are the people who turn on their music AND LEAVE.  They go take a walk.  So we all have to endure their music and they’re not even there, enduring their music.

I am getting really cranky in my old age.

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I love quiet.  I love driving in silence.  I love sitting in silence for hours.  I recently read about a sound-absorbing art exhibit.  I would love that art exhibit.  Similarly, I think I would enjoy being inside Microsoft’s silent chamber.  Did I mention that I’m a fan of quiet?  Love it.

I can’t think with music around.  I can’t read with music around.

We will go to our normal beach this summer, which can be noisy at times, but there are plenty of music-free stretches and empty beaches if a person wants to listen to the waves and not EDM.  There is quiet there, which is good for a sound-free lady like myself.

Do you like it quiet when you’re reading, or do you listen to music at the same time?

P.S. Please don’t bring speakers to the beach this summer.  Seriously.

The Roundup is back.

There seems to be a lot of podcasts recently about infertility or loss.  I don’t know if going to listen to them.  While I love hearing other people’s personal stories, I don’t love reading or listening to a reporter talk about something they’ve never experienced.  To that end, one of them seems one-sided based on the description, and I don’t like my thoughts pre-chewed for me.  I prefer my reporting to be simply reporting, with conclusions drawn and not handed to the listener.  The other is probably well done.

In case you are interested in listening, the first is Reveal, which has an episode about IVF.  The second (which I’m more inclined to lend my ears) is IVFML, which is a miniseries on infertility, told by people who have experienced infertility.

Let me know how they are if you listen.

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Stop procrastinating.  Go make your backups.  Don’t have regrets.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Adoption, Sex, and the Pursuit of Love: Why Adoptive Parents Need to Talk to Their Kids About Sex” (Diary of a Not-So-Angry Asian Adoptee)
• “Running the Race with One Leg” (Anne Heffron)

Okay, now my choices this week.

My Path to Mommyhood talks about the final moments of her family building journey, giving away the things they had amassed in preparation for a baby.  It’s a bittersweet post, but that’s what makes it an important read.  It’s about the parts of infertility no one thinks about when they scroll past a story about IVF in the newspaper or suggest that people should “just adopt.”  (Y’all know how I feel about that phrase.)  She writes, “It was overwhelming. The giant pile of things, of hope, of all the love and support, everything we had for a baby so very wanted and so very hoped for … gone.”  Abiding with her through this step, and I promise if you read it that it has a peaceful ending.

On the lesser discussed aspects of infertility front, ANDMom has a post about how infertility is still haunting her, even though she’s finished building her family.  It is a constant reminder of her own journey as people around her get pregnant naturally.  It never ends.

Lastly, Our Misconception has a post written from two points of view — husband and wife — about IVF during their surrogacy journey.  It’s funny and eye-opening (well, at least for the general public) and difficult, and it captures that world of hope and hurt well.

The roundup to the Roundup: Podcasts about infertility.  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between June 2nd and 9th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Yes, another one about Matthew Quick’s book, Every Exquisite Thing.  You don’t have to read the book to follow these posts and have an opinion because I’m using the book as a springboard to other mental spaces.  If you want to read the other posts I’ve written about this book, you can find them here, here, here, here, and here.

Do you ever think about the longevity of a friendship in its starting point?  Last week, my friend came over for dinner.  I met her on the first day of college in my first class.  I knew immediately that we were going to be friends, but moreover, I suspected even in those first days that we were going to be lifelong friends.

Before you applaud my ability to predict friendship longevity, I also had that feeling with another woman and we’re not friends at all.

I guess the point is that I usually go into starting new friendships with the hope that it will continue indefinitely.  And then a quote on page 169 of the book gave me pause.  Nanette (the main character) is in a session with her therapist, June.

June brings up the expression “a reason, a season, or a lifetime” in their last therapy session before Christmas, and Nanette says, “Booker quotes that in The Bubblegum Reaper. ‘People enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.’”

“I know, but he didn’t coin the phrase. It’s a cliché,” June says. “And sayings become clichés mostly because they are true. People tend to repeat what they feel is real—authentic.”

First of all, I’ve never heard that phrase before: a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  Second of all, it made me wonder if we’re all seeking lifetime friendships but being okay (mostly) when they fall short.  Does anyone aim for a reason or a season friendship?  I mean, yes, we all understand that we sometimes meet someone for a reason (infertility) or a season (college), but is anyone aiming to just keep reason or season friendships contained in their moment and then move away?

I ask because what if I’m only seeking lifetime friendships but someone else is only seeking seasonal friendships?  How do we mesh?  Who bends to the other person’s timeline?

Or do we not know the outcome of friendship until we know the outcome of friendship?  Are all feelings of lifelongness just feelings until they’re truths?  Or does feeling it make lifelong friendships happen because we strive to keep the friendships we suspect have longevity?

Friendship.  Discuss.