This is where I was this day five years ago. I was teaching. We were having a weekly assembly called “town meeting” where the kids got up and gave annoucements. Another teacher walked by me with a boom box. I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to reserve one for class that day and I asked her if I could use the one she was carrying when she was finished. She gave me a strange look since I obviously didn’t know yet why she was carrying a radio into her office. She slowly said, “sure.”

Another teacher came and tapped me on the back and said, “can I speak to you outside for a moment?” And because I had no confidence, I immediately started thinking, “what did I do wrong?” We went outside and she told me and as I started crying, I saw them gathering the kids whose parents worked in the Pentagon. We knew about the attacks before they were on the news because another teacher had been on the phone with a parent when the plane hit the building. They were discussing his son, his learning issues, and a new plan for helping him with his studies. This child was now being brought to a separate room while they tried to contact parents and see who was still alive.

And I’m writing this now as a mother and I am scared shitless. Of what has happened in the past and what could happen in the future.

I was given a few minutes to make a few phone calls and then I went back to the theater to sit with my students as the rest of the school poured through the doors for a special meeting. My students were confused. Why were the upper schoolers coming to our assembly? And why were they sitting in the back? And why was the principal coming in? And why were some of the kids being taken one by one out of assembly? They knocked shoulders with each other as they whispered like anxious cows sensing that they’re about to be led to slaughter.

The principal told them, and the kids began crying, and some kids just collapsed on the ground. And that’s where I was on September 11th–weeks before my wedding and watching children learn about the Twin Towers and the Pentagon and the planes.

Did I know before that moment that sometimes parents die and leave behind children? Of course. There is cancer, car accidents, and suicide. I have had other students lose their parents in other ways before. But nothing made me worry–even now, 5 years into the future–about leaving behind my children than that day. I didn’t even have children yet, but I worried about them nonetheless while watching these kids who strutted around the Commons with confidence on any other day cling to my sleeve like five-year-olds saying, “I just want my mom. Can’t you tell my mom to come faster?” And knowing that not all of their parents would be there to pick them up that day. I had never been with a child when they were waiting to hear if their father would ever be coming to get them.

The New York Times ran obituaries of people who died in the Twin Towers. I only read them for a few days because I couldn’t handle reading about 26-year-old widows who had lost their husbands before their first anniversaries during the attacks. But there was one that changed the entire way we lived our lives. This woman had gotten married in August and her ketubah (a Jewish wedding contract) was still at the framers. Her husband was now dead, and her ketubah was still being framed. I refused to relinquish the ketubah after the ceremony. I wanted to take it to the framers and wait there until it was finished and put it up immediately. Instead of waiting a year, we started trying to have children a few months after the wedding. If there was a chance that my husband was going to be taken away from me, I wanted to have a piece of him with me. His DNA in our children. That was probably what pushed me towards treatments rather than adoption. Isn’t it strange–how one path can seem like the right path and then suddenly there is a world events and it changes your life choices. I wanted his DNA.

And now it’s worse. Because once you have that DNA, you realize that it’s not enough. There can never be enough. There is nothing you can do to protect your heart or make it easier or not get hurt. And that realization is just so scary. And living while trying not to think about that reality is so hard. And my heart is going out to all of the women today–those who have the DNA and those who don’t. Who are hurting. So. Badly.

We went out to Ben and Jerry’s for an ice cream cone this afternoon (and not to bitch, but my daughter ordered a kid-sized cone and I ordered a medium-sized cone and her’s was twice the size of mine. But I felt childish going back into the store and whining, “you gave my daughter more than me. That’s not faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair.”). My son likes ice cream and picks at it very neatly (always in a cup). My daughter loves ice cream, loves getting it on her face and hands, loves narrating the entire cone experience.

Afterwards, I was not letting her back in the car in her sticky little dress so I had her stand on her chair while I took off her clothes and searched the diaper bag for a clean shirt. “I’m naked,” she exclaimed to everyone walking past. “I’m a naked Tallulah bird.” Which is a reference to one of her favourite Maisy books where her friend, Tallulah, enters her house, runs up her stairs, strips, and jumps into the bathtub. It’s an amusing tale that child and adult can enjoy on so many different levels.

She danced on the chair telling one and all, “it’s nice to be naked. I’m naked. Mommy, get naked.” I explained to her that once you’re old, no one wants to see you naked in public. And it’s actually a crime. Which I know because police once came when I was sunbathing topless up in my old state of Massachusetts.

We’re finally ready to leave, with my daughter dressed in one of her brother’s shirts and no pants (which she also has to call out to everyone as we walk past–“no pants! I’m not wearing pants!”), we had to walk past a couple about our age sitting at an outdoor table at a nearby restaurant. The woman watched us walking towards her, with my daughter chirping loudly about her pantslessness. She watched us for the entire walk to our car, not speaking to her husband. I tried to shake my wrist a bit, show her the pomegranate-coloured string, but I’m sure she just thought I had a nervous twitch. Regardless, she wasn’t watching me. She was watching my kids.

And then we got into the car and I saw her bring her head close in to her husband’s forehead. And she started to cry. And I felt like ass even though (1) I had been there and knew how she felt, (2) I was back in that infertile space again, and (3) I cannot hide my kids waiting for the entire world to not be infertile.

Brad Pitt (this is becoming quite the celebrity site) recently said that he wasn’t going to marry Angelina Jolie until everyone had the same right to marriage. And I would love to say something similar. I’m not going to bring my kids out in public until every stirrup queen has access to fertility treatments or adoption. But even having access isn’t enough. Having access doesn’t mean the problem is solved. It just means the financial headache goes away. It still isn’t a guarantee that the path you want will be available to you.

I am pretty sensitive about parading my children. Back when we went to synagogue, there was a portion in the service when they invited all the kids to go onto the stage and sing the prayer. One or two kids would actually sing the prayer. About twenty toddlers would run around on the stage, crashing into each other. And then a handful of mothers would bring their infants to the stage and hold them like trophies. Like they had just won the U.S. Open (and believe me, there was a big part of me wishing the kids’ heads would fall off like the top of the trophy did for Maria Sharapova. Made me feel great being that petty in synagogue).

And I promised my husband I would never be one of those women bringing up their child who obviously couldn’t participate. Those women brought up their kids to show them off. And I promised I would never treat my kids like that. We never parade them or bring them to events just to show them off. There are other people in our life who would like us to do this, but I won’t allow it because I know how it feels to watch a mother parade her kids. And it makes you feel like shit. And you never know who is around and what they’re going through. And I’m just not going to make someone feel like that on purpose. If we bring them to something, it is either because it’s for them or because we need to take them because we’re going ourselves.

But what do you do with the fact that even if you don’t parade your kids, you end up making a woman having dinner with her husband feel like crap just by walking past? Which was the whole point of the pomegranate-coloured string. Except unless you read this blog or someone who has posted it on their blog or had a friend tell you about it, you don’t know what the string represents.

Which is my question: how do we get the word out there? A newspaper article? A forwarded email? Because the reality is that there is an entire world of stirrup queens who are not going to a clinic or reading blogs or visiting bulletin boards. So while it needs to go out through infertile venues such as bulletin boards, clinics and organizations, it also needs to get out there to the general population. Which is where someone like today’s woman exists. Perhaps not yet part of the openly diagnosed infertile world, but hurting nonetheless when a pantsless girl walks by her.

…but…in light of Lyrehca’s question about Marcia Cross’s recently announced pregnancy, I ended up googling her and came up with this quote from a USAToday article:

Cross was well aware of the risks associated with later-in-life pregnancies, and spoke frankly that she might feel more confident adopting or even hiring a surrogate.

Many new mothers in their 40s, she said, rely on donated eggs — at a very costly price tag. “I don’t like the average woman being misled into thinking that fertility is something that goes on forever,” said Cross.

“When a woman gets older, they get donor eggs, which doesn’t make the baby any less beautiful or perfect. One’s own eggs only last so long, and sometimes at 43 or 44 you can have your own baby, but statistically it’s very difficult and expensive. You don’t want to wait that long.”

I’m chalking up the simplicity of the statement to the fact that she was speaking to a reporter to USAToday and not a fellow Stirrup Queen. Not that she has come out with a formal statement about fertility treatments, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due since I was just bitching about celebrities sharing the innermost details of their lives…except for infertility. Marcia has already scored high on my sliding scale (late marriage gave her higher points) so I am happy for her regardless. But it would be great if she did use donor eggs to come out and make a statement about that. Become a spokesperson for RESOLVE. Get information out to the public about third-party reproduction. Work it into the Desperate Housewives storyline. I’m dreaming big. And wasting precious down-time minutes googling possibly infertile celebrities. Who else? Who else?

My brother, an honourary Sperm Palace Jester who is even wearing a pomegranate-coloured string in solidarity, sent me this email this afternoon:

Elvis Costello and Diana Krall are expecting twins.

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DIANA KRALL? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!

Which I found very amusing. The likelihood of having natural twins peaks between 35 and 39. She’s a little after the peak. Not ruling it out. Just curious since she’s not saying that she didn’t do treatments. She’s not actually saying they’re natural. She’s just commenting that twins run in her family. There are twins on my mother’s side of the family too. Maybe that should become my little coy catchphrase instead of “no, actually I did fertility treatments.” Since…my catchphrase tends to make cashiers gulp and Diana Krall’s sounds more golly-gee-whiz. And I’m trying to be a more golly-gee-whiz girl myself, instead of the kind that make people gulp. And quickly bag my purchases.

So…you know that famous study they did when they came up with bystander intervention theory–the more people who are around who can help, the less likely that someone will take action because they assume someone else is going to step forward…

I swear, I still can’t get someone to write the IM injections heads up. 1000 ladies with medicated cycles and not one who can give some tips about jabs in the butt (no…not those kinds of jabs to the butt…). Calling all IMers (again…not that kind of IMing), please please please. IM write up. Please.

Also, check out the new poll thing I’ve set up in the side bar. I think I’ll change it with the blog round up each week. This week’s question covers all appointments and visits–the ten minute blood work appointments to the two hour procedures. So answer away!

And now onto the bloggity blogs and a taste of what is interesting on the Land of If while people scramble to catch up with work after the long weekend.

Calliope over at Erstellen Mutterschaft (try saying that ten times fast) has a post about asking her RE for a copy of her records. And amongst the blood work results et al, she found some nice personal notes they wrote about her including, “that there was ‘no need to be as aggressive as patient requests’.” It made me wonder what my doctor writes about me in his files. I mean, I know there must be some notes about me being neurotic and anxious. Something about how I should have an ativan drip in my arm at all times. How I may scream, “you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong” into the phone when they call to give me a negative beta (okay, I’m just joking, I make my husband look like the psycho and tell the doctors that they’re wrong. I don’t want them to write bad things about me!). I do know that the dentist wrote in my file that I’m a “heavy gagger” since I took a peek a few weeks ago when I was there to get a cavity filled. Seeing the words “heavy gagger” made me feel incredibly unattractive. As if I spew vomit on everyone when they get too close. So…yes…must get on the phone and get those RE records so I can have a good cry. I mean, a good laugh (which will really be a cry).

Ms. X over on her barren island is currently shul shopping. Translation for those who are not Jewish–she’s checking out the different synagogues. Which is where we are as well. We were pretty laissez-faire about it in the spring, but fall brings about a certain panic since the High Holidays are coming up. Perhaps the same sort of pressure of getting pregnant by Christmas? Anyway, religion poses an interesting dilemma for the infertile chickie because so much of organized religion centers on children. Especially with Judeo-Christianity. I tend to steer away from talking about G-d, but her post on filling out the paper work and the assumption that if you’re married, you must want children must be discussed. Because it naturally leads to the questions (oh…you’ve been married for five years? Children yet?), which leads to the conversations. She asks how does one avoid this, but I don’t have a good answer. I know that shul was certainly the most difficult place for me to be infertile. The kids running up and down the aisle. The passages in the Bible about the barren women of Jerusalem. Perhaps if I dug down deep enough, I would say that associating infertility with synagogue is possibly keeping me from joining one right now. But I would have to dig down quite deep for that. I hope you find your shul soon–one that has resources for women experiencing infertility. There are shuls and churches that cater to every small group in America. Why not Church of the Barren Lady or Empty Uterus Congregation?

In another vein–Msfitzita over at Certainly Not Cool Enough To Blog (yes, you are!)–has a heartbreaking post on being pregnant and then not pregnant at church. She writes, “Last Sunday as I sat in the same spot I always used to sit in when I was pregnant, I started thinking about that. About how I so proudly showed off my pregnant tummy and how I hoped people would look at me and smile. And that’s when it occurred to me that women who had experienced miscarriage – maybe even stillbirth or a loss caused by birth injury, abruption or congenital defects – saw me. They watched me holding my tummy lovingly and protectively, and they felt the dull ache that I feel now when I see the same thing innocently paraded in front of me. I caused the same pain I feel now. And it never once occurred to me while I was pregnant, even after having two miscarriages before getting pregnant with Thomas.” This post broke my heart. Because you should be proud to be pregnant and you should feel happiness. And all those non-infertiles never come to this place. Do you realize that? They get to parade their stomachs and enjoy their pregnancies (or complain about their pregnancies) and they never look back and consider how others felt. And the infertile woman (remember Paz’s post that kicked off Common Thread?) does. She’s stuck in this space where she can’t feel the full happiness of pregnancy because she’s still thinking about her sisters back in the trenches. There is a part of me that wishes we could all just get into that selfish space. And then there’s a part of me that appreciates and cherishes the empathy. I just wish you weren’t sitting where you are now, Msfitzita.

Lastly, but not leastly, Reality over at Disenchanted With the Reality That Is My Life has a post about acupuncture that made me want them to stick me with needles. She described the sweet bliss of a mind finally slowing down. Her words started to quiet down my internal shouts of “voluntary needles? Voluntary needles?” It sounds like that 45th minute of a one-hour massage.

Mmmm…massage. If only someone would do a study of how massage aids fertility.