I found out about a great site tonight–XYandMe. They create children’s books that explain A.R.T. to kids–a where did I come from for kids who…er…may not have come from the average cabbage patch. They are fantastic because (1) they are written by a nurse who works at a fertility clinic–who tried IVF herself (she also has a personal blog that she keeps that I’ve listed under general infertility in the blogroll: Wishing for a Baby). So an insider and a professional perspective in one. (2) They are written for every imaginable combination–FET, single mum and donor sperm, surrogacy, etc. My only wish…um…Janice (if you’re reading this) is that you had an IUI one (without donor sperm). And maybe one for some less invasive things too–Clomid, for instance, or injectible drugs.

We’ve been speaking to our kids from birth about their conception. Do they understand right now? No. But we never wanted them to have a moment where they learned about how they were conceived. I discuss it freely in front of them with other people because I want them to know that there is nothing shameful about A.R.T. If we adopt, we will take the same approach.

I like these books because I like my children finding stories that reflect their own experience. The lack of books on this topic in the picture book section at Barnes and Noble speaks volumes about how the non-infertile world views A.R.T. and adoption. We can talk about different jobs, countries, and medical situations–but ask for recommendations on books written for children to explain family building and you’re likely to get a blank stare from the woman behind the information desk. American authors can write books about a girl living in China. A woman can write an award-winning series from the point-of-view of a boy. But ask a non-infertile to broach the topic of infertility in their children’s book and they’d probably ask, “why?” Because. Because there’s a need. Because I want my children to know that there are multiple paths towards parenthood. Because I want my children to understand even the paths that we don’t take because they may have friends created through those means. Stories are how children learn at this age. And I want my children to see a story that talks about their reality. I feel the same way about purchasing them books about twins in a sea of books about singletons. Or books about being Jewish. Or living in America.

I was also contacted by a woman who wrote a book about pregnancy loss called Forever Our Angels. It is not strictly about pregnancy loss after infertility, but there are stories contained in the book that reflect this experience. I have read a sample chapter and it’s another venue for information if you are looking for personal stories.

Other books out there that you love? Especially those off the beaten path?

Looking down at my pomegranate-coloured string and smiling… Spread the word. I can’t wait for the first time I bump into someone I don’t know and they’re wearing a purple thread.

Many more links for Operation Heads Up are in the sidebar. I need to start putting this list in alphabetical order. Keep them coming!

And now, down to the blogs…

Wander on over to Jenny’s blog, Jenny from the Infertility Block, and offer her congratulations. She got her BFP on an unmedicated FET cycle. It’s pretty interesting to also go back and read the other posts from the cycle. It was the first time I had heard of doing a cycle unmedicated and it made perfect sense. It wouldn’t work for everyone, but it’s an interesting idea that I had never encountered before. And isn’t that the whole point to reading each other’s stories beyond not feeling quite so alone? Gathering information that you can apply to your own journey? So congratulations, Jenny!

I’m fairly certain than my nightmare last weekend was a direct result of Hanazono’s series of posts about friendship. I’m just going to tell you enough to entice you over to this blog because it’s a very interesting series of posts. But this first one begins with a friend announcing her pregnancy. This friend’s previous pregnancy came on the heels of Hanazono losing her baby, and this news was dropped on her right before they were meeting up with another person for a night-out. The friend was trying to be sensitive by telling her alone and admitting how difficult she knew this must be. BUT. There’s no ideal way to tell this information without causing some hurt because…this information hurts. It hurts to think about how you’ll watch your friend’s belly grow while you’re still waiting. And it hurts to think about other people getting what you want so desperately. Hanazono’s initial reaction is implied in this first post of the series–she’ll pull away a bit, give herself some space with that friendship. But in later posts, she bravely discusses how she’s going to slap that saucy bitch, Infertilia, in the face and remain friends with this person. And why. And how. Take that, infertility. I think it’s very brave. And keep scrolling up through the posts because she has a very interesting point about “doing okay” vs. “feeling okay.”

Kris and her Baby Proof Uterus have a great post about wishing your life away during infertility. You start living from point to point in your cycle, wishing the days forward so you can find out how you’re responding to drugs, how you ovulated, and whether you have the BFP that month. No other time in my life have I wished days away. I was sometimes anxious to find out information–I called the hours of the afternoon after the mail came my “mailbox narcolepsy” time because I was so anxious to hear from grad schools that I would get myself to the point of heart-pounding tension, go to the mailbox, find it void of letters, and then go collapse on the sofa to take a nap. But I never wished away a day because it was also my senior year of college and I wanted it to go slower–not faster. Waiting for a proposal, waiting for the wedding, waiting for…anything–I never wished away a day like I did with infertility. Not that those days actually disappeared, but the point is that you’re so focused on the future that you’re ignoring the present. Kris makes a beautiful list of other times when she’ll be impatient and how she’ll never wish a day away then. Mid-post is this wonderful statement: “I need some patience. I need to live in the present. I need to make the following promise to my children who are probably too scared to come to my uterus out of fear I will wish their lives away as well. And I need to keep this promise to them whenever they get here, even if it means I have to post it on my fridge and read it 30 times a day.” Head over there and you’ll look at your cycle in a completely different way.

Sophia at Journey to an Ewok had a great post about her New Yorker heart longing to make a connection to another woman in the waiting room. Just catch eyes, pass along information, support each other. Because, as she points out, it is such a battle. And we need each other to get through this. It’s interesting–we have this gift of support that other people need. Desperately. We have information they could use. When we don’t speak to each other, when we don’t share our stories, when we don’t make those connections, we’re really withholding this gift. Does that make sense? I know that I am more open about my experience than the average person, but the only way to remove the stigma is to open up the discussion and let each other into our journey. We wouldn’t withhold our experience with another disease if we thought we could help support/inform another person. Nor should we shut ourselves into small islands when we’re battling something as consuming as infertility. Just my opinion. Which doesn’t count for much. But I’m just throwing it out there.

Off to enjoy a burrito. New question of the week when I get a chance to blog again this weekend…

The CEO and President of RESOLVE is currently wearing a pomegranate-coloured thread on his right wrist. It’s the must-have fashion accessory for all SQs and SPJs this season.

Of course.

Because RESOLVE rocks in general, and I’m not just saying that because they took two hours out of their busy schedules to meet with me today. I put the organization up there on the same level as my RE and ladies-when-waiting as people-who-are-trying-to-get-me-pregnant. Oh…and my husband. He’s on that list too.

And these are the reasons why you should click on their name and go straight to their website and join if you are not already a member. Because the $55 you invest in a membership may save you thousands down the road. RESOLVE lobbies to get fertility treatments covered by insurance. They are fighting the good fight to get treatments accessible to every American. So, the $55 I spend today may in turn save me thousands when insurance companies are mandated to cover a few rounds of IVF. And even if they don’t change the coverage during my family-building years, they are sure to have been successful by the time our children are of age. Since certain conditions that cause infertility are hereditary, I consider it an insurance plan for my children.

And because they’re on our side. And they get it. And they are there with emotional support. And fantastic articles in their magazine. And they have great bulletin boards and chat rooms for online support.

So that was my personal plug for RESOLVE. Please support them because they actually make a huge difference in your life without you even realizing the extent of their work.

The meeting was fantastic. I was there to talk about the book and they gave me great advice. But they also listened to our idea for Infertility’s Common Thread, took a skein of thread for the office, and took our write-up. They’re going to figure out how they can get involved and get back to me so I’ll keep everyone posted. Even if it turns out that they can’t help get the word out there, I was very touched that the President ripped off a length of thread (with his bare hands! No scissor! He gives my karate-chopping nurse practioner a run for her money. Especially since the NP didn’t actually do anything physically impressive–just deliver a huge emotionally impressive karate-chop of a statement) during the meeting and had me tie it to his wrist.

One cheap bracelet for man. One huge statement about infertility for mankind. Womenkind. For people…for peoplekind.

Dear Americans:

We’re not really sure how to explain this phenomenon, but it seems that recently we have sold an unusually high amount of our #814 embroidery floss. While this pomegranate-coloured string has traditionally been a poor seller, it has flown off the shelves as of late leading to a crisis for embroiders. Until we solve this problem, we are encouraging people to plan their projects without the need for this colour.

Thank you,

CEO of DMC Thread Company

So…we’re settled on #814…aren’t we? It’s been unanimous thus far and I’m assuming that few people are going to weigh in with thoughts between now and the morning. So…(shifts from foot to foot for a moment, glancing at the clock)…I mean, we’re settled, right? #814 it is.

The graphic is…well…the only graphic we have. Therefore, I say, let’s just use it for the time being. If this was a giant fundraising campaign, I would say that we should wait until we have the best possible visual and the best possible write-up…possible. But this is an information passing campaign. And we should just pass along the information. So, feel free to pass along these words and images via your own blog. Tie on a thread. And start spreading the word. And tell me how to put this image on my sidebar.

I loved Royalyne’s words and I’ve used them as a jumping point. I think it needs to be succinct. And there needs to be two versions–a short version and a long version. So below are two drafts. Make suggestions, changes, additions, opinions.

Short version:

Infertility. Simple word with a complicated definition. Yet whether one has difficulties carrying a pregnancy to term or is unable to conceive naturally, our common emotional response is the same: anger, frustration, depression, shame, guilt and loneliness. One in seven Americans will experience infertility and a far greater number are affected by this silent problem. Tie a pomegranate-coloured string (a longstanding symbol of fertility) around your wrist to start a conversation, make a connection, provide an education, and end the silence. This common thread that binds us can be the common thread that builds community as well as building understanding between the fertile and infertile worlds. With a simple thread, infertility doesn’t need to be a lonely experience.

Longer version:

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.

Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

And then there’s the informal version:

Listen, you damn Stirrup Queen or Sperm Palace Jester. Tie the freakin string on your wrist so I can place you on the right side of the sliding scale when I see you pregnant at Starbucks.

Sigh.

I’m off for the one-hour massage promised by my fantastic, wonderful husband. And I promise, no more thoughts about infertility tonight.