Normally, I am not a huge fan of Internet petitions, but I’m making an exception because this is actually tied–albeit in a roundabout way–to the Internet. Google, as you know, sometimes creates what is called a “doodle” in order to present a visual image for a holiday or to raise awareness for a cause. They’ve had some pretty random doodles in the past. Beyond Halloween, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving (both Canadian and American!), they’ve celebrated Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s birthday and the Lunar New Year.

The March of Dimes is trying to get Google to create a doodle for Prematurity Awareness Day (November 14). Prematurity is a major condition affecting as many as 12% of all births — that’s over 476,000 babies a year. And that rate is rising. As you know, this cause is near and dear to my heart because the twins were born prematurely and spent three weeks in the NICU. Both were IUGR and had stopped growing inutero. Anything that benefits the March of Dimes benefits all of our future children. Because that’s the thing–you never know when it’s going to be you who is affected. So take this time to help out others now so the research continues. And yes, this last part is meant to cause major guilty feelings if you don’t take the three minutes to click on the link…

Click here to sign this petition (Mom–that means click on the hyperlinked word “here”). And pass it along to everyone you know. And raise prematurity awareness. And get the March of Dimes more funding possibly in the process. And go thank Julie at A Little Pregnant for posting this on her blog and raising my awareness as to its existence.

These are the last thoughts on this for a while. Every time I think I’m finished thinking about being in or out, a bunch of people pipe up with more interesting thoughts. Which continues this idea…The reasons why someone is out vs. someone is in. Most people straddle both sides–they’re out to some and they’re in to some. And the exceptions (the group that’s in the minority for you) are what interests me the most.

From what you’ve said so far, there are multiple reasons for being out:

(1) gain emotional support
(2) need to vent
(3) gain important information (I know people have come out to me not because they want my support, but because they want my information)
(4) not ashamed of the situation
(5) feel guilt over not being fertile and want people to know that the lack of children is not for lack of trying
(6) it’s a HUGE part of your life and it’s impossible to hide it
(7) to gain other support (for example, if we want to do IVF, realistically, I would need to tell my mother because I would be asking her to babysit my current children and I would need help if I was feeling like crap)
(8) put a quick end to invasive questions about baby-making
(9) infertility is part of who I am (Lunarmagic said this well)
(10) to pass on information to others (eg. Tina’s comment about how being out has helped others come out)

And there are multiple reasons for being in:

(1) want privacy
(2) don’t want assvice (I loved Carlynn’s thoughts about being lightyears away from the advice the average person could give)
(3) don’t want the whole family discussing you
(4) there is no reason the world should know about your cervical mucous
(5) it’s no one’s business except your own
(6) it could have a negative impact on other facets of your life (such as work)

And both being in or out come with their own bag of ass (I’m sorry, but I can’t stop using this Smarshyism). If you’re in, the person doesn’t know to be supportive and the stupid comments fly (actually, the stupid comments fly either way). If you’re out, you may or may not get the support you need. What are the other drawbacks to being in or out?

But this list is just what I’ve come up with off the top of my head as well as comments on past blog entries. Are there other reasons for being in or out that I left off my list?

Lastly, I love Murray’s comment about not having expectations (this goes back to my question at the beginning of the week about when you share and receive no support in return). I had a boyfriend once who used this idea as his mantra. And I think it’s nice (well, there’s a wishy-washy word if I ever heard one), but not very realistic. Because I don’t know anyone who lives without expectations. Truly without expectations. And once one starts down this road to live without expectations, it’s sort of like that Friends episode where Phoebe attempts to do good deeds without receiving anything in return. It sort of becomes impossible except for a sliver of possible actions. So not a way to lead an entire life, but a way to deal with a small scattering of certain situations.

But wouldn’t it be so nice if we never felt let down?

And wouldn’t it be nice if we could breeze through the entire two week wait without expectations? Eh, Serenity? Hang in there, sweetie.

Just wanted to throw three links out there if you want them for your blog in order to get the word out in more places. I update the book list and peer counselor list semi-daily. So I think as long as I just add information and hit re-publish, the link will always work. People have already written me to say that they’ve gotten peer counselor questions and I don’t think there is anything cooler than a list of fellow Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters that you can turn to for instant advice on specific questions (or just to get a heads up about a specific procedure/treatment or process when you’re trying to make a decision or steel yourself the night before an appointment).

Infertility’s Common Thread Project (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html)

The Big List of Infertility Books (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/best-little-infertility-books-in-world.html)

The Peer Counselor List (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/peer-infertility-counselors.html)

Keep adding to the book list when you find another book you like and the peer counselor list is constantly growing.

Get it? IM? Instant Messaging? I’m? I am? It’s a pun! I think I need to take a break…

So what is the etiquette with instant message? I have to admit that I was beyond excited when JJ at Domesticated sent me an IM a few nights ago when she wanted to move her blog to a different section of the blogroll. It was my first IM. Yes, sniff, I was an IM virgin and JJ popped my cherry (you would think there was nothing left to pop down there since catheters and ultrasound wands have paved a highway).

Okay, so there was an IM-like program on my computer a few years ago that I put on when my friend was living in Ireland. We would “meet” online at a set time for a conversation because we were too cheap for phone cards. But that doesn’t really count because those IMs didn’t have the little dinging goodness of the one I received from JJ. The dinging goodness of an unexpected IM.

Though…um…I have to admit that I didn’t know what it was. I heard the ding when I was in the kitchen and my husband said, “what’s that?” It wasn’t until a while later when I returned to the computer that I saw the little box on the screen and connected that the dinging sound was my very first IM.

I know I am enthralled with IMing because it is new, and it will soon become as undesirable as answering my cell phone (I am notorious for never having on my cell phone). But until that day arrives, what is the etiquette for IMing? Is it cool to IM anyone who is appearing in my gmail sidebar or do you need to establish an IMing relationship first (by the way, anyone is free to IM me)? If I IM someone and they’re not actually at the computer (I, for instance, leave gmail up on the screen sometimes all day, even when I’m not near the computer), will it remain up on their computer until they sit down again, or will it disappear into the ether if they don’t answer it within a given amount of time? When do people use IM over an email?

There is so much to learn, so much to learn.

It’s really hard to buy into the idea that everything happens for a reason when you’re at the mouth of mourning. Or in the belly of mourning. Or even being shot out of the anus of mourning. It isn’t until years later that you can finally look back and trace all the bad experiences and make up a story of how they helped stave off something even worse from happening. Or how they brought you to your baby (or, in my friend’s case, her b’shert).

But that’s the advice everyone gives you when you’re in the middle of it–that everything happens for a reason. And I walk a thin line on the side of belief while still dipping my foot from time to time into the deep waters of disbelief. Because once you take this thought out to its ends of predestination, it begins to fall apart somewhat.

Here is the part that trips me: reason. If there is a reason, then it means there was thought behind it. And if there was thought behind it, then who is doing the thinking? A higher power? Destiny incarnate? And if it is destiny incarnate or a higher power, take this idea into another direction. Does destiny keep things balanced? Or is there a strange distribution of crap? This is where the questions of doubt begin to unravel the idea that everything happens for a reason: why are abusive parents able to conceive and carry to term easily? Why do wonderful, giving people sometimes die young while mass murderers live into their nineties? You would think if reason was behind this that the correlation between deserving and receiving would be clearer. Unless the unbalanced distribution is part of the greater plan as well.

And that’s all I have to bank on to keep me on the side of believing that there is a point to why it takes some people so long to conceive or why it takes others so long to find their b’shert. And why we endure terrible losses.

My RE warned me that the best time to try again was within a year of the twins’ birth. And we didn’t. We just gave up that opportunity by sort of avoiding the whole thing. I don’t know why. Maybe because I became a bleeding psycho of worry every time we thought about trying again. That may have had something to do with it. And I’m not kicking myself now. I’m just mindful that I gave up an opportunity. Which may have not worked regardless. But it still looks like a little shining pot of gold behind me on the path that I failed to pick up. Even if it wasn’t a realistic find at the time. I mean, how was I going to carry that big pot of gold while holding two children? And how was I supposed to know that down the road, you still needed money in this lifetime?

And this is the little path of “reason” that I cut for myself in order to make sense of everything. My twins needed to be IUGR and premature in order to save a future child from being IUGR. Because they monitor you much closer with a twin pregnancy, and many times, IUGR is not caught in time in a singleton and stillbirth occurs. So the IUGR was caught in my case because we were having so many sonograms. And because the twins were IUGR, the doctor told us about thrombophilia. And because I didn’t try to conceive last year, I wasn’t pregnant when I finally cleaned up the mess by my bed and found the paper on thrombophilia (after first reading about it in a book that month after pretty much forgetting the OBs warning to have myself tested–I mean, look at the strange coincidences surrounding that). So now I am getting myself tested at the end of October. And if it comes back that I do have a clotting disorder, I may have just saved my future child. Because this next pregnancy, even if it’s a singleton, I will be closely monitored regardless due to the IUGR. But perhaps even moreso due to the clotting disorder. And that’s how enduring the first round of infertility (to bring me to these children) made entering the second round of infertility a bit easier. The reason behind everything we went through to get to this place.

And it’s a rosy little way to think about things. And you can only do it when you’re pre-ovulation and filled with a lot of hope. Don’t try this during the 2 week wait.

So why did my friend need to go through this terrible break-up? Because it kept her living where she is now (she had considered moving prior to meeting this man) so she could meet a person who would connect her to her b’shert? Because it gave her deep insights into what she needed from future relationships in order to make them go smoother? Or because he got her through a rough time in life that would have been too lonely and too difficult to get through on her own?

I don’t know. And I don’t think we can even begin to see these things until years down the road. And even then, are we just seeing what we want to see? Why does believing in those connections and reasons make the situation more bearable? You’re still enduring the same loss (infertility, pregnancy loss, a break-up). How does thinking up the possible positive make the negative more tolerable?