I recently joined Mother Talk, which is a blogging book review group…well…actually, click on their name because I think they can do a better job explaining themselves than I can do in one sentence…

Regardless, for my first review (and I’m not sure how often I’ll actually have a book to review), I read Rae Pica’s A Running Start: How Play, Physical Activity and Free Time Create a Successful Child. I really liked this book, but I also need to admit that we are a Dan Zanes sort of family. We’re a put-on-music-
and-have-a-dance-party-while-we-all-make-dinner-together sort of family. We’re a sustainable living, turn off the television, let’s all run around in the park in our favourite costumes sort of family. Though this wasn’t where we began. When we first started trying to conceive, we obtained a set of Baby Einstein DVDs, believing that this was the only way to produce the uber-children we knew we’d have. We thought they’d be in preschool by two–not only for the art projects and climbing toys, but because I didn’t have faith in myself to be able to teach a two-year-old how to read (because I planned on having my children reading by two so they could be in Harvard by six. We needed those four years to perfect their essay writing skills).

And along the long wait, things changed. Ideas changed. And now they closely mirror what Rae Pica suggests in her book. Turn off the television. Kids learn through play. You don’t need to enroll your children in classes in order for your children to learn. And there is more than one path to brilliance. That, yes, Baby Einstein may have a place, but so does lying on the grass and staring up at the clouds, trying to imagine them moving to music.

I think what I loved most about this book is the concrete advice she gives on how to execute some of her ideas. She doesn’t simply tell parents to play cooperative games with their child, she gives specifics: “sit facing your child and begin by making a face, which she imitates. She then makes a face for you to imitate.” And this game comes tucked into a list of four cooperative games that teach children the skills they need before they’re ready to participate in team sports such as soccer or basketball.

She warns against coaches who don’t teach age-appropriate skills (and gives you a checklist of questions to ask and things to look for in a coach). She encourages parents to not over-schedule children and to be their advocate in the school system. And most important, she teaches parents when to play with their child and when to step back and allow them the space to run free with their imagination. It’s a pretty powerful set of tools presented in the book.

I think when you wait a long time for your child, you can become anxious and wonder if you’re doing everything “right.” And I think books like Rae Pica’s are important because they remind you that your child will turn out okay in the end if you fulfill not only their basic needs: food, shelter, comfort, but also their in-born childhood needs such as space to play and time to run. It’s freeing as a parent to let go of that anxiety, put down the Baby Einstein DVDs, and just allow your child to take a nature walk for an hour. And to believe that the hands-on experience of wonder will bring you to the same place down the line as intensive science classes for toddlers or French lessons at age three.

Sigh.

I just like the idea of someone telling me that it’s okay that we haven’t exposed them to television or enrolled them in preschool. At the end of the day, we’re drawn to the books that match our parenting philosophy.

There has been a lag between questions, so just to remind y’all the point of these posts and to let new readers in on the discussion, you can reread the first post here. The general idea is that these are quotes from books that I’m reading that have made me pause. And since you can’t always speak to the author and start a conversation with them, I thought I’d throw this into the blogosphere and get your reaction.

No one brought up this quote when we were discussing Children of Men, but I marked it in my copy. To set the scene, Jasper is stating that he is not upset by the fact that he’ll never have children or grandchildren because the couple knew early on that they were both infertile.

The man states: “You can’t mourn for unborn grandchildren when there never was a hope of them.”

Which personally harkens images of those who know either without a doubt or with a strong suspicion that they are infertile prior to trying to conceive and still go through the same emotions as all other infertile people when faced with using assisted conception or adoption or contemplating life without children. I think there is a shitload of mourning that goes on in the Land of If even when the inhabitant knew beforehand that they would be setting up camp on this island if they wanted to become a parent.

It made me wonder about my own parents and inlaws and what they went through wondering whether we would produce grandchildren. I have to imagine that they would mourn. I know I certainly mourned pregnancies that had no hope of continuing–where the doctor had told me point-blank were hopeless. I still mourned when it was all over and the blood came.

Your thoughts?

The emoblopedia feels like a tottering little bicycle that is just starting to straighten out and pick up steam. Thank you for all of the great ideas so far and a special thank you to Tina, Katd, SoCo, Bea, and Pamela for being the first people to send me some links to kick off the project. I’m looking forward to seeing this grow like the Creme de la Creme list and become this sea of points-of-view and writing styles from the infertile and pregnancy loss community. An interactive anthology of the experience.

If you’re having trouble figuring out links to send, work backwards. Cull out your favourite posts–the ones you felt good about when you hit the publish button. The ones that received positive comments and nods of approval. We all have plenty of these types of posts. And then create a new category to fit that post (or check the list to see if there’s a good place where it could already fit). One problem is that sometimes a post fits in multiple categories. It’s fine to put it in more than one place if it covers multiple ideas or to choose the place where it fits best. And from now on, as you write something that you like, send on the link and put it in the emoblopedia so another person who is searching for words that echo her own experience can find your post and feel less alone. And if you love a post on someone else’s blog, let them know that you think it would be a good addition to the list by contacting them directly or leaving the idea in the comments section of their blog.

There’s no reason to be modest–if you have even one reader for your blog, your words make a difference in another person’s life. And if you have a new blog and haven’t had any readers yet, this is a great way for people to find you.

Remember–there is no limit. You can send one a day, you can send 15 at once, or you can two and then never send another. And I’ll add the links as quickly as I can, though I will probably move over to a wiki-like system when I get a chance to figure out the logistics of that. I think the project needs to blossom a bit first.

And, of course, as soon as I can grab a few minutes, I’m going to create a little emoblopedia icon.

Speaking of which, I’m intrigued with the idea of creating a badge for the Friday Blog Roundup–especially because I am obsessed with Microsoft Paint and believe that all beautiful things come from that program. What would it look like? Would people put it on their blog?

It’s an ugly, dreary, rainy day here, but these are some beautiful, uplifting, sunny examples of things I found in the blogosphere this week (wasn’t that a nice little balanced sentence?):

This isn’t an infertility blog, but I found it interesting nonetheless (what? There’s more in the blogosphere beyond infertility and pregnancy loss blogs?). In Oh, the Joys blog this week, there was a post titled “George the Blog Monkey” that goes through all of the reasons she blogs as well as why she reads other blogs. She asks a series of questions about blogging beginning with this idea: “What does it mean to be so intimately exposed to others through their writing and the interactive commenting without ever having met them?” I don’t have answers to most of them, but they’re fascinating questions. Thank you, DD, for sending me the link.

Dear, sweet May at Nuts in May had an HSG this week, but she wrote two funny posts (can unblocking a tube actually be funny?) from the experience. Click here and here to read about re-peeing, stripping to Vivaldi, and dye leakage. As well as differences you never knew existed between the British and American gynecological experience.

Nica at Life as a Sandwich has a moving and thought-provoking post this week about fairness. And the general lack-there-of fairness in life. It’s a different way to look at the age-old question of why bad things happen to good people as well as that fact that we can’t force luck in our favour simply by being a good person. And learning to let go once we realize all these difficult lessons.

Sami at A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby has a post that will (1) bring you to tears and (2) make you start your own list of all the reasons you love your parents (I guess this second point is contingent on you loving your parents). It is a very emotional tribute to her father who died three years ago. And I bawled reading it even though I’ve never met Sami or her father. It’s just that you can feel how much she loved him.

Lastly, Elizabeth at the I Word asks an interesting question this week about the informal rules of alcohol while trying-to-conceive. Do you give up alcohol before CD1? Drink until ovulation? Continue to drink until you see two pink lines? Have a sip or two through the pregnancy? Head over and weigh in with your opinion about alcohol while trying-to-conceive and when you stop tipping back actual margaritas (imaginary margaritas, of course, can always be consumed at the Virtual Lushary regardless of the point in your cycle or pregnancy).

Have a wonderful weekend. And send those links!

Welcome to the emoblopedia, an emotional blog encyclopedia that archives thought-provoking entries. It is organized both by larger umbrella topics such as “treatments” or “adoption” as well as by smaller subcategories such as “deciding to proceed with IVF” or “getting through the homestudy.” An emoblopedia is an archive of the emotional journey–a series of posts that a person can read when they feel alone and want their emotions confirmed (click here for the original post kicking off the creation of the emoblopedia).

Even though the entry you may be reading was written weeks or years ago, the information can still help you emotionally on your journey. And since all posts come from the blogs of men and women experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss, please leave them compliments or questions in the comments section of their entry. Blogs are an interactive communication form.

In addition, if you have used the emoblopedia and have a blog that touches on the emotional side of infertility, pregnancy loss, or related topics (such as adoption or a GLBT experience with conception), please consider contributing links to entries from your own blog. There is no limit to the amount of entries a person can have in the emoblopedia. There is also no time limit–entries that were written four years ago are just as desired as entries that were written this week. You can submit an entry for a category that already exists, or you can start a new category. You can submit each entry that you write or choose only your favourites to pass along.

• To submit category titles, send an email with the new category name to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

• To submit an entry for an existing category, send an email with the url address of the post as well as the url address for the main page of your blog to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

• All other questions about the emoblopedia can also be sent to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Scan the index below and click on the hyperlinked topic headings in order to jump to the topic page containing the entries you wish to read.

General Infertility
Receiving a diagnosis
Family relations
Coming out about infertility
Being outed as infertile by another person
Taking a break
Marriage difficulties while trying to conceive
Marriage strengthening while conquering infertility
Depression and infertility
Friendships and infertility
Need a good laugh?
Need a good cry?
Emotions after a BFN (big fat negative)
Acceptance and peace during infertility
Hope and infertility
Infertility: a dirty little secret
Thinking about changing paths to parenthood

Thoughtless comments and other assvice

Treatments
The first time you took Clomid
The dreaded HSG
Laparoscopy
Deciding to proceed with IUI
Deciding to proceed with IVF
Choosing a new RE
Injection classes
The first injection
GBLT experiences with clinics
Fears about starting fertility treatments
Excitement about starting fertility treatments
A mix of emotions about starting fertility treatments
Emotions after a first failed cycle after starting treatments
Emotions after a first failed IVF cycle
Good interactions with the RE or clinic

Adoption
Deciding to proceed with a domestic adoption
Deciding to proceed with foster-to-adopt
Deciding to proceed with international adoption
Getting through the homestudy
Matching with an expectant mother
Birthmothers and children
When adoption plans change (terminating a match)

The emotions of a broken match
The first day feeling at peace again after a broken match
Long periods of waiting

Third Party Reproduction
Deciding to proceed with a donor or surrogate
Emotions surrounding the donor or surrogate experience

Living Child-Free
Deciding to proceed with living child-free
Navigating life cycle events after deciding to live child-free
Emotions over stopping treatments
Snappy answers to intrusive questions
The moment you stopped feeling childless and started feeling child-free
Stopping treatments doesn’t stop infertility
Child-free in poetry and literature

Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth, and Neonatal Death

Learning that a pregnancy may not be viable
Learning you are having a miscarriage
Remembering terraversaries
The first day you felt good after a loss
Loss and the affect on family
Coming out about loss(es)
When i
s enough enough?
Coming to terms with recurrent loss
Making the decision to proceed with multifetal pregnancy reduction
Making the decision to proceed with a medical termination
Discovering that you have an ectopic pregnancy
Discovering that you have a molar pregnancy
The roller coaster of emotions
Going back to work after a miscarriage

Receiving pathology results

Pregnancy loss without infertility
Grieving
Losing a pregnancy
Not wanting to be pregnant again after a loss

Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss
Seeing a heartbeat
Being released from the RE
Fears during pregnancy
Doubts about being pregnant
Discovering that you’re carrying multiples
Communicating with the OB after being accustomed to the RE
Moving to a high-risk specialist
Ambivalence about impeding parenthood
A child resolves childlessness, but it doesn’t resolve infertility

Parenting After Infertility or Loss
Ambivalence about milestones
Postpartum depression
NICU experiences
Joy over holding your child for the first time

Secondary Infertility
How to come to terms with your new-found fertility-status
What to tell existing children
How to balance secondary infertility with parenting
Friendships and secondary infertility
Emotions and secondary infertility

Emobloictionary
A glossary of made-up words

When my niece was much younger, she used to preface sentences with “Hey Guys, I’ve got an idea.” She would then launch into the idea which was usually the plan already in place. For instance, “Hey guys, I’ve got an idea. Let’s put on our shoes,” she’d say as I tied her sneakers. I really like this phrase.

Hey Guys, I’ve got an idea.

(This is perhaps an argument for why I should take sleeping pills rather than lying awake at night thinking.)

An emoblopedia.

(“Excuse me?” you cough, wondering what the hell that word means.)

An emoblopedia. An emotional blog encyclopedia that archives thought-provoking entries. Sort of like the creme de la creme list, but instead of simply being a long list of great entries from a single year, it is organized both by larger umbrella topics such as “treatments” or “adoption” as well as by smaller subcategories such as “deciding to proceed with IVF” or “meeting child for the first time.” This is not the same as Operation Heads Up. Operation Heads Up conveys specific information about a procedure or diagnosis. Insider information from one stirrup queen to another. An emoblopedia is an archive of the emotional journey–a series of posts that a person can read when they feel alone and want their emotions confirmed.

The idea being that it’s late at night and you’re freaking out and you want to read about someone else’s experience with the same thing. And you go to the emoblopedia and read all the entries under that category (because there can be an infinite amount of entries). And feel better because your own emotions are echoed or you’ve read something that will help you get through your own situation. Of course, you could jump from blog to blog trying to seek out these types of entries, but it would simply be faster to have them all listed in the emoblopedia.

This will obviously be an on-going project. Without an end date in sight. We’ll simply keep adding to it as entries are written. But right now, I need two things if you want to participate in order to get this started. (1) go back through your archives and find entries that fit these categories and (2) suggest more topics and categories since I just started planning out the emoblopedia. This emoblopedia can keep growing and growing with new categories added daily for the rest of eternity. We can make it anything we want.

Five pieces of business from the Emoblopedarian (get it–the emotional blog encyclopedia librarian)–

(1) when sending a submission for a category, include a link to the original post as well as a link to your blog’s main page address (sort of like how I include both in each Friday Blog Roundup category–that way, if people feel like the entry speaks to them, they can bookmark your blog’s main page and read along daily).

(2) like the creme de la creme list, I will not put up any post that the person didn’t submit. So don’t be offended if you’re known for a certain entry on your blog and I haven’t included it on the list. If you didn’t submit it, it’s not going to be added. That said, if you know of fantastic entries on another person’s blog, you can suggest them and I’m happy to contact the person or you can contact them directly and ask them to submit it. And as I read from this point forward, I may ask you to submit a link to the emoblopedia by leaving a note in your comments. Feel free to submit or to tell me “no.” Like the creme de la creme list, this isn’t a time to be modest. Don’t worry about things like “not good enough.” It’s floating in the blogosphere already if you’ve posted it on your blog. This is just a way of organizing information. All entries are “good enough.” And everyone–lurkers to long-time comment writers–is welcome to send links.

(3) there is no time range for the emoblopedia–you can go back through your archive for entries from four years ago or send me a link to a post from yesterday. This is not like the creme de la creme that it all takes place in one year. It can take place at any point. Hopefully, if this continues indefinitely, we will have links to entries that span ten or twenty years.

(4) for the creme de la creme list, I took whichever entry was submitted. For this project, I’m going to lightly veto–meaning, if it doesn’t fit the entry topic at all, I’ll ask you for a different entry. Or we’ll start a new category for your entry. While obscenities galore are fine; homophobia, racism, sexism, ageism isn’t (or any other form of prejudice). Really, bring on the obscenities. But unless the point of the post is the prejudice (for instance, a lesbian being denied treatment at a clinic), it’s not fine to add posts that will make other people in the community feel like crap. I am still such a teacher. I feel like I’m wagging a finger and saying, “play nice!” It’s not that I see this happen often, but I wanted to set this out there as a disclaimer.

(5) like the creme de la creme list, spread the word. I think this project benefits from having as many points-of-view as possible. Also, unlike the creme de la creme list, you can have as many entries as you wish. Even within the same category. So you may have three fantastic entries that all go with each other and I can list all three under the category. Or, you can have one entry in every single category. Or you can have 88 entries spread out over two or three categories. You can send me one every single day. Immediately after you post a new entry, you can send me the link and tell me to place it in a certain category. What I’m trying to say is don’t get hung up wondering if this a fantastic example or not. Just submit it. It may speak to someone else tremendously. And this project only works if you do toot your own horn a bit. Hopefully, this will also be a good way to increase your own blog hits and to get word out about smaller, lesser-known blogs.

So…what to do right now?

Look at the post below at the sample categories and the sample entries. And start (1) adding new category ideas to the list either by leaving a note in the comments section or emailing me at thetowncriers@gmail.com. (2) start sending links (to both the post and the main blog address), designating them to a specific category (feel free to submit both an idea for a new category and an entry for the category at the same time).

Ideas? Opinions? Suggestions?