Random Unconnected Thoughts
We’ve been listening to Queen’s Greatest Hits on continual play for the last few weeks because my son is in a Freddy Mercury stage. I finally escaped Queen for a few hours today to go see Blades of Glory. Only to hear the pounding beat of “Flash Gordon” as Will Ferrell skated for the gold.
A huge thank you to everyone who voted for me for the Best of Blog Awards. If you’ve never read the other blogs in the category, you should head over to them right now and begin reading. There’s Omega Mom, who is this brilliant adoption blogger who has been doing an amazing series of posts for the past few days. And Open Window, another adoption blog that I read hungrily and feel honoured to be invited into that world via her blog. And I Wasted All That Birth Control which makes me laugh and cry on a weekly basis. The Fertility Blog, a website on natural fertility. The Karen Road Chronicles, who writes beautifully about life in general and fertility and her son. Lastly, Serenity Now–a blog that has changed my infertility experience and made me feel less alone, less overwhelmed. She is a woman I feel honoured to walk beside on this journey.
I have been crying on and off all night for Snickollet. She lost her husband this week after a battle with pancreatic cancer. Emmie at Better Make it a Double created a candle for our blogs to virtually light for Snickollet. And even though it is too late, even though it really doesn’t feel like enough, I wanted to send this out there to her and let her know that I’m thinking about her family tonight.
April 14, 2007 Comments Off on Random Unconnected Thoughts
Friday Blog Roundup and Next Blilt
Ew…what’s that taste in my mouth? I think I may have vomited a little while watching Notes From the Underbelly last night. I started retching when the chickie got pregnant on the first try. Then the puke really started dribbling when the two women squealed over being pregnant at the same time and I had a small waterfall when the two men slapped high-fives because he got his wife pregnant on the first shot (you’re right! That does really make you a man. Oh yes, laughtrack, that is hilarious). The entire I-need-to-eat-right-now thing felt old the first time she made a left turn from the right lane. And I twitched a little whenever Jules walked around with her hands on her belly. But probably my favourite part of the show was the way the single woman was dismissed whenever she tried to enter the conversation. I think it sets a lovely tone for the show. It was not the best use of an hour of my time.
Please…can we talk about something else? I think my eyes are still burning.
The first blilt is up and now it’s time to start the next one. How it showed up on the screen is actually different from how it appeared when it was in draft form. So now that I know how it will look on-screen, I have some new ideas on how to make it look a little more quilt-like.
So the next blilt is about waiting. It sometimes feels like this isn’t really “making” a baby or “becoming” a parent or any other active verb. It’s the inverse of active. It’s a huge waiting game. You wait to cycle, you wait to have your beta, you wait to be chosen for adoption. And everyone gets through that wait with different emotions and thoughts.
For this next blilt, add to this thought in anywhere from 1–15 words: “During the wait…” (you don’t need to add those words to your sentence, but simply use them as a kick-off point). And here is one additional step–state which type of wait you’re writing about in your square. Whether it’s waiting to cycle, waiting to know, waiting to get in with the RE (any form of waiting). I may try to coordinate the “fabric” with the type of waiting. And it would help me tremendously to enter them quickly if everyone used this format:
Type of waiting
Url of the blog (or let me know if you don’t want your words linked anywhere)
Any additional thoughts for the Blilt Unraveled entry
This seems to be the week for good ideas. So in case you missed any…
Okay, so these first two were missed last week because I had matzah brain (which is a very real phenomenon. Try existing on matzah for 8 days and we’ll see how clearly you can think), but JJ at Domesitcated has started a community blogroll in Facebook. If I understand correctly, unlike a blogroll which has to be maintained by a person and sometimes contains dead links or wrong links, the facebook blogroll is maintained by the people who opt into the blogroll and community. Does that make sense? Did I mention my lack of computer savvy? But it sounds like a very cool idea so go check it out.
The other site I meant to write about last week was this wonderful new site called the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory. It is a clearinghouse for information concerning loss and it is maintained by five bloggers. They have a roundup every Friday similar to this one solely concerning loss. It is so incredibly moving. No person experiencing a miscarriage or neonatal death ever needs to feel alone again. During the week, they discuss articles and issues concerning loss. It is a fantastic site and I think it’s important to go over and see the good work they are doing even if you haven’t experienced a loss. It’s important to support your fellow stirrup queens.
Serenity is setting up a meeting of North American bloggers right now. Which does not mean that non-North American bloggers are excluded; she is just being realistic in who would be able to come (but if you are planning a trip to the US, let her know). Contact her if you wish to be put on the planning list (her email address is on her blog).
Celeste from One Long Yarn has started a fund to benefit her husband’s village of HeJiaWan in Nanbu County, Sichuan, China. Bamboo Village Education Fund was started because, “every time we return to visit, we find that another youngster has dropped out of school due to economic pressures. What happens to them? They end up going to work in sweatshop factories, or to work in risky construction jobs and other terrible jobs. I just can’t sit by any more. I know I can help these kids and these families to get the education that they are so close to completing! More than that, I know that we can open up new worlds to them with efforts in teacher training, public awareness-raising, and (my greatest dream) opening a community library.” Celeste has set up this amazing online store filled with extremely cool artsy stuff and supplies. So…if you need to get a gift for someone, why not have it benefit HeJiaWan too?
Lastly, following on the heels of Bea’s International Infertility Film Festival is the Multiple Mom Movie Madness–an online film festival for parents of multiples. Stacie has organized a film festival set to open on May 31st to showcase movies “about the joys/hassles/magic/challenges of being the mother (or father) of multiple babies (or toddlers, or school age children or…).” Hmmm…I think I’m hearing the siren song of Microsoft Paint again…
An apology–I am way behind entering emoblopedia links. It’s on my to-do list for the weekend along with cleaning up all that vomit from last night’s television-watching experience. Damn you, Notes From the Underbelly for coming on after Grey’s Anatomy.
And on a last note, I met my first blogger today. Or really, my first commenter, because Paz doesn’t actually have a blog. It was Paz who kicked off the idea of Infertility’s Common Thread with her question about secret handshakes. And I can’t even tell you how much it rocked to meet someone face-to-face. We had been conversing via email for months and we finally coordinated schedules and I got to hold her delicious newborn baby. And she’s just an extremely cool person and I feel lucky that our paths crossed.
April 13, 2007 24 Comments
The First Blilt Is Up
The first blilt and its unraveled counterpart are up below this post. Wheeeeeeew (wipes brow and flexes cramped mouse-clicking hand). Just a few things about this blilt and future blilts:
- You can now see why it needs to be about 10 words (probably 15 maximum)–the squares would get too big. I’m sorry that I had to edit a few of them down a bit to make them fit. Hopefully I didn’t lose the emotion behind the statement. This is also the reason I started the other post: The Blilt Unraveled. People had these gorgeous thoughts that couldn’t fit on a square. So for the next blilt, send along a paragraph too if you have more to say because I’m always going to include the accompanying post of the blilt “unraveled.” (get it? Unraveled because it’s unraveling the emotions of infertility and loss. But it’s also a quilt. So it can become unraveled… Um…I thought this title was clever so just pretend along with me).
- There are two or three squares that aren’t linked because the author either submitted them anonymously or when I tried to go onto the blog, it wasn’t publicly listed. If you’re the owner of one of these squares, I can still link to your blog or an email address–just send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) with the url. Just a note in the future, if your blog isn’t publicly listed but you want the square linked, send me the url with your words. This actually speeds things along for everyone if you include the url for your blog under your words. At the same time, if you want to submit thoughts for a square but you don’t want it linked to your blog, let me know.
- These two posts will be linked in the emoblopedia under General Infertility (receiving a diagnosis). All future blilts will also be kept in the emoblopedia, but I’ve also started a post that you can find via my side bar (How to Make an International Blilt–get it? How to Make an American Quilt/How to Make an International Blilt? Get it? Please, just play along. I’m really punchy after making 58 quilt squares on Microsoft Paint. Ooooh, how I love that Microsoft Paint). I will update it regularly whenever we “finish” a blilt and also have a link to the current blilt that is being constructed.
- I put “finish” in quotes because the blilts never have to be complete. I can keep adding to them as new people enter the community or as new people find the blilts. Therefore, if you’re seeing these posts for the first time today, don’t be shy. Leave your thoughts in the comment section on the Diagnosis Blilt and I’ll make a square and add it. If the virtual quilt starts getting too big, I’ll simply start The Second Diagnosis Blilt.
As I said, this was the first of many blilts. I’ll throw out the next question tomorrow. And we’ll make a whole new virtual quilt that will stand as a testament to the experience as well as introduce you to a like-minded blog writer who shares the same reaction as you to a given situation. So that’s the last part: click away. And add comments to another person’s blog. Let them know that you felt the same way and saw their square on the blilt.
Like a big quilt stretching over all of our legs as we zone out on the sofa during the two week wait, these virtual quilts are meant to bring comfort and warmth. No one is alone in this community. There are many other stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters who have your back.
April 12, 2007 Comments Off on The First Blilt Is Up
The Diagnosis Blilt
This is the Diagnostic Blilt, the first of many virtual quilts that stand as a testament to the experiences of the infertility and pregnancy loss community. These are the unique reactions to single moments in a journey. Whenever possible, the squares of the quilt are linked back to the author’s blog or email address. This gives the viewer a chance to connect with a like-minded person experiencing infertility or loss and read more of their story. Therefore we encourage you to click on any square and learn more about the author’s story. Take a moment to leave them a comment. Like an actual quilt, the Blilts have a chance to share a moment of warmth between two unrelated individuals.
Contribute your own reaction to your own diagnosis in the comments section. The Blilt projects are always open and we will be continually adding to them as new words come along from future members of the infertility and pregnancy loss community. Click on the hyperlinked words in order to learn more about the Virtual Quilt Project and how you can contribute.
April 12, 2007 Comments Off on The Diagnosis Blilt
The Diagnostic Blilt Unraveled
The squares on the quilt only represent part of the story. Read below to hear the larger reaction of each stirrup queen or sperm palace jester when he or she received that infertility diagnosis. Contribute your own reaction to your own diagnosis in the comments section. The Blilt projects are always open and we will be continually adding to them as new words come along from future members of the infertility and pregnancy loss community. Click on the hyperlinked words in order to learn more about the Virtual Quilt Project and how you can contribute.
“I knew it was bad. . .but this bad” was my first thought when I found out that not only were we battling PCOS, but blocked tubes and mild MFI as well (from Sean and Mary’s Family).
I knew in my heart from the time I was small that I would have problems having children, but I also knew it was the one thing that I wanted more than anything. We never received a diagnosis. We just reached the year mark. The two year mark. The three year mark. Things failed and failed. I think around the time we started seeing an RE (a year in) and I was officially infertile, the feeling was that things would work out. But often it’s more like “I always knew this would happen. But holy crap, this is my LIFE” (from the private blog The Problem With Hope).
I’ve got to say that I didn’t really believe I was infertile (despite being signed on with an RE, 5 failed IUIs and a cancelled IVF) until very recently…and now: I feel marked, broken and doomed (from You’re Still Young!).
My dream life died! I had so many plans; I couldn’t wait to see R with our baby. He gave me so much when we got married–he asked me to be a mother to Little H, and I couldn’t return that sentiment because I couldn’t make a Little anyone. And then my uncle passed away, the man our child was to be named after. At that point, I went from being infertile to being defeated and no longer whole. The last little dream I had held onto was telling Goofball that I was pregnant and that I was naming the baby after him, and that dream disintegrated right in front of me (from Making Toy Soldiers).
I knew that I wasn’t going to let having to do IVF get in the way. I would go forward and keep at it with a determined, head-strong perseverance. I still feel this way. Even though it definitely gets me down, I still think that I just have to keep plowing through and eventually I’ll get to my goal. It’s just taking a lot longer (and a lot of different routes) then I originally expected (from Sticky Feet).
I felt a rising sense of panic. The day I decided to call my OB/GYN to ask about starting the fertility testing process was also the day I found out an acquaintance was pregnant. As soon as I read her e-mail, I ran to the office bathroom and just bawled for a good half hour. Then, fighting panic, I dialed the number to my OB’s office and made an appointment (from This Sorta Fairytale).
My first thought, on hearing that my initially “slightly elevated estrogen” was actually masking high FSH (and therefore, “diminished ovarian reserve”) was, “This can’t be happening. I’m not THAT old…am I?” (from This is NOT What I Ordered).
“Falling apart, body, mind and soul.” I’m still picking up the pieces and trying to glue them back together (from Max’s Mommy).
When the RE looked at my file and blood work, she quickly came up with my same conclusion that I had. PCOS. By this point I had gone to my primary care and a gyno – who both told me that I didn’t have it because I wasn’t overweight. Err—I wanted to call them up and tell them “I told you so!” And to refer them to RESOLVE (from Flutter of Hope).
Because we’d had several SA by that point, I wasn’t at all surprised. In fact, I was glad because now we could move forward and do something. It was a little shocking to be told that my husband’s sperm count was so bad that IUI was out of the question, but the unthinking steam roller part of my personality came out and just started working on the practical aspects of the problem. We were scheduled for a cycle by the time I left the office (from The Twinkies).
We never did get a diagnosis but after the first MC I can remember a small gurgling starting deep in the pit of my gut that grew to a wailing “WHY! WHY! WHY!” when it reached my lips (that wailing continued in my head for months). I can remember many days standing in the shower absolutely WAILING the words “WHY! WHY! WHY!” as I bawled. I used to turn the water up so hot it would sting my skin just so I could feel something besides the pain in my heart. Now that we are moving forward with adoption my whole outlook has changed. I’m reminded of a phrase my Grandmother always used … “Nothing is so bad that it aint good for somebody”. It took me years to understand what she meant. She was a very wise woman (from The Spirit of Magnolia).
Since I have known that we would have to do IVF (for male factor) for so long I was in total shock that we had female factor also. My first thought was “You’ve got to be kidding me” (from Changing Expectations).
I felt relieved. I went into the appointment thinking it was just all in my mind, that I wasn’t ovulating, or that they wouldn’t be able to tell why. PCOS really sucked, but I liked having the label and knowing there was a treatment plan. In fact, I really should have known better, having gotten that as a possibility when I was 18, but a lot a time had passed (from Southern Infertility).
“Finally. Let’s get started.” I think that’s pretty much how I felt. In the months leading up to the “diagnosis” (which in our case was simply hitting the one-year mark), I had little to no hope of actually getting pregnant spontaneously. I was just waiting for the clock to tick over so insurance would cover us seeing an RE (from Relaxing Doesn’t Make Babies).
My first thought when we were first diagnosed. Everything was in slow motion. It’s like screaming… “No this can’t be happening to me.” “No not me.” I guess I was immediately pushed into denial (from Baby Blues).
Endometriosis? I thought my life was over. I got diagnosed while I was single and before I’d ever tried to get pregnant. I’d been in so much pain that I was looking for a binary yes/no answer about whether or not I could have kids, because if I couldn’t, I was going to have a hysterectomy to end the pain. Instead, I got a “Maybe, but it will be harder, and you may have more miscarriages.” So, keep the uterus, but then what? My biggest fear at the time was that nobody would want me with such obviously broken parts. Well. Second biggest fear. My biggest fear was that they would stop making Vicodin, because Jebus, the pain (from herveryown).
My initial reaction was mostly a nonreaction. I knew we were going to have problems so it wasn’t a surprise. After recent setbacks my reaction has changed to disbelief that it’s taking so long and hopelessness that it will ever happen for us (from Peace of Mind Is All I Want).
I was so not surprised by the PCOS diagnosis. Just angry that we didn’t know sooner. It was my first object lesson in needing to make myself heard by doctors. I’d known for over 10 years that something wasn’t right, but no one took it seriously. Now I really understand about being my own advocate (from Our Own Creation).
Comfort him. Reach out and comfort him and make it somehow okay. An Explanation: We were told my husband’s low sperm count and morphology made it impossible to conceive without IVF with ICSI. That simple. That complex (from Within the Woods).
I wasn’t completely shocked to find out that I had PCOS. It was 6 months later, when we went for our followup when we were ready to start IUI’s that we found out my hubby has a low count, plus very low morphology. At that point, I had already come to terms with the fact that it was all on my shoulders. My first thought was “Thank goodness it’s not just me” (from A Sibling for Celia).
Like Msfitzia, “broken” was my first reaction too. Later: devastatedly confused and hopeful.
Broken has been the most resounding feeling though — my stupid broken body (from Exile in Kidville).
Foggy. I remember hearing my doctor at my ear during my recovering from my lap saying, “This was the worse endo I have ever seen. We couldn’t remove it.” Shocked. I had no symptoms. Okay after the fact I did–but nothing MAJOR! My cycles were perfect. WHY ME! Numb. There was NOTHING I could do to fix Stage IV Endo. I just had to deal and move on. The best way to do that was to just not feel and be numb. I NEED A DRINK! Was my last reaction. I totally need a HUGE drink! (from My Journey Towards My Little Miracle).
That had to be one of the worst days of my life. I had survived much before the diagnosis, death of several close friends and family members I loved, divorce, two miscarriages totaling four babies, and yet this was what brought me to my knees. I felt guilty that the diagnosis hurt more. I felt anger that it wasn’t something I could fix. I felt even angrier that nobody had noticed this before when there was ample opportunity. I was in denial for a while, then shock, and now I am in a place where I just don’t know what to think about it. I was never able to put into words how that day felt for me. I instead shifted all of my thoughts and emotions into the technical realm. This is what an HSG is and these are articles on my condition. I couldn’t go to the place where you have to emotionally explain and explore what was happening. It was too hard (from Are We There Yet?).
My first thought when we got our severe male factor diagnosis was “But we can’t FIX that!” And then it was “what do we do now?” (from Serenity Now!).
Here’s what I thought sitting across from Superdoc as he recounted our results: Are you kidding me? We’re NORMAL! It was like a death sentance. Both of us are fine! There’s no reason why we weren’t getting pregnant! Fan-fucking-tastic (from Unexplain This).
I can’t remember my first thoughts but when the world started to fade back in (it was my 22nd birthday and the doctor told me that there was a 10% chance that I would EVER have a child), my first thought was – “Maybe we can adopt twin girls from Brazil” (from Fertility Musings).
Well, I had so many things running through my mind four years ago when we got our diagnosis, but the ones that stand out are: Oh, CRAP! Does this suck, or what?. What did I do to deserve this?. Well, that fertility monitor was a total waste of money. And really, disbelief. I really thought that the testing we went through would show that either I didn’t have the problem, or that there was something so minor that it could be easily remedied. I was so unprepared for what I’d heard, it didn’t register at first. Only later, when I was alone, did it hit me like a Mack truck-this was going to be my life, like it or not (from Infertility Sucks).
Relieved. I was under the impression that once we had a diagnosis we could fix it and move forward quickly. Ha! (from Fatty Pants).
We were never given an exact diagnoses therefore never had an “A Ha” moment. But after uncountable iui’s medicated & not, two failed ivf’s and a look into a future that might include 3 more ivf’s (one with a possible move to donor eggs from a younger sister) the continuing thought is …but I’ll still get pregnant, right?… Talk about a head stuck in the sand. Oh well, my head can stay in the sand until I emotionally can’t take it anymore. Then I know I’ll have to re-think my thought but I’ll jump off that bridge when I have to (from the private blog Knock Me Up).
I felt as if someone had died. My grandfather had died the week before we got our diagnosis, and I felt the same feeling of loss in both situations (from Subfertile Sadness).
“You made me wait.” I was devastated and so hurt by my husband because I told him over and over again that time was not on our side and his only answer was to be patient. Patience would never have gotten us pregnant. And, yes, a part of me still blames him for our predicament (submitted anonymously).
April 12, 2007 Comments Off on The Diagnostic Blilt Unraveled
