Fuck raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens–cancelled IVF cycles take more comfort than can be doled out by Maria and the Von Trapp family. I’d like to keep a monthly roundup of new things or ideas that people have found that have helped them–even if it’s just five minutes of forgetting about infertility–before, during, or after a cycle. Places, products, recipes, books, music, movies–truly anything can go on this list. And people can use it to jog their mind (washing the bed linens and then taking a nap midday on warm, clean sheets? See–simple ideas) or prepare themselves with nice things they could do for themselves during an upcoming cycle (DVDs or books to collect to distract during a two-week-wait). Don’t worry if you’re talking about a local business because chances are that there is another reader who lives close by or will pass through your town at one point. Don’t worry if the product can only be obtained at a local store or if it sounds bizarre once you put your idea into words. If it works for you, it may work for someone else. We’ll hold this roundup once a month. Once a month passes, I’ll move that list into the archives below and set up a new list for the current month. That way people can also do seasonal things or time-sensitive products (for instance, an ice cream flavour that is only on the market for a short period of time). So…list away–add your own favourite things in the comment section of the current list by clicking on the hyperlinked text below:

Not to get all Oprah-y and start shouting out my favourite things like you should care…but I’m going to shout out my favourite things. And please pretend to care. Because I am having a crap day and I need the caring confirmation… So, my new favourite things which I add to my old favourite things: Politics and Prose and Nam Viet. As well as meerkats and Disney World. And Morningstar Farms’ fake bacon. And pick-your-own fruits and vegetables.

(1) Serenity. I met her last night. Some things you may not know about Serenity: international spy (oops, I probably shouldn’t have told you that since…you know…it blows her cover). Holder of a Fields Medal AND a Nobel Prize. Supermodel. Has over 66 tattoos–mostly of cool things like a Follistim pen jabbing into a torso and the word “Mom” being torn apart by a dagger. Drinks champagne by the caseload at every meal and doesn’t even stagger a bit as she goes back to her waiting limousine.

Just in case you don’t believe me, I will also tell you that she rocks. That when I sat down at the table, it was as if I had known her for 80 years. She is just as smart and funny and caring as she seems via her blog. She is exactly like your favourite sweater–the one that simply makes you feel good just by wearing it. I can’t wait to see her again the next time I’m in Boston, and I’m hoping to drag her down to D.C. soon. I am so excited that I got to meet her.

(2) Good Grief by Lolly Winston. This was one of those books that I always picked up and carried around the bookstore, but then chickened out about buying. Because it is about losing your spouse and the grief that follows and I didn’t think I could handle reading it. But I took the chance since we’re reading her other book Happiness Sold Separately for the Barren Bitches Book Tour and it is FANTASTIC. I think about Sophie, the main character, whenever I’m not reading the book: worrying about her, trying to think of some small things I could do for this fictional person that could make a difference. You care about her so deeply and you feel her grief so deeply and it has been extremely cathartic to read this book. I think Winston’s greatest gift is that she takes you right up to the edge of grief and lets you look down, and then pulls you back for a moment to catch your breath with a small laugh, and then brings you to the edge again. So whereas the grief from the Year of Magical Thinking simply brought me to heaving tears (which is also a good thing from time to time and I loved that book too), the grief in this book is much more managable. You know what it’s like? You know how some people have crappy clinic nurses who don’t hold their hand through the process and therefore, they feel even more overwhelmed and terrified through their first cycle because they never feel like they know what the fuck is happening? Winston is the opposite: she’s the good nurse who is going to hold your hand and return your calls and walk you through the cycle and let you know what’s up so you don’t feel quite so overwhelmed. You may still be scared or sad, but you won’t be overwhelmed. And that’s how her writing feels to me.

(3) O’Naturals. This restaurant has the best fake chicken. It also has real chicken, but since I only eat fake chicken, I am only concerned with the veaty variety. It. is. so. good. I love you, Stonyfield Farms.

There are probably other favourite things I could add to this list, but since I’m not Oprah and since no one really cares what I think and like, I should probably cut it off here. But feel free to add your own fabulous finds to the list and I’ll try yours if you’ll try mine (except if yours is real chicken or beef or fish–see #3 on my list).

Coming up next, director’s commentary for Uterninus’s Law. The blunders (did you catch the mistake in the movie that we left in?), the behind-the-scene stories. While I’m on this ego trip, I thought I would do an interview with me.

Uterninus’s Law (n): origin: Uterninus, the lesser-known but equally fiery brother of Saturninus, who was superstitiously thought to be the source of all conception woes in ancient Rome.* Uterninus’s Law is the force that thwarts all conception efforts on the part of infertile men and women in direct correlation to how badly they need the cycle to work. Any attempt to circumvent Uterninus’s Law by pretending to “not care” about a cycle is detected and squashed in turn.

Examples:

• Though a couple will be getting along on all other days of the year, they will have terrible arguments twelve hours prior to ovulation so they miss the perfect window by fuming instead of having sex. This correlation is noted even more accurately when ovulation predictor kits are used to time intercourse. Especially if the couple is financially-strapped and they had to think twice about purchasing said OPK.
• If you are to receive blood test results on a Friday, the doctor will only call during the three minutes of the day when you do not have cell phone reception. He will leave a vague message and you will not be able to find out the results until Monday morning.
• If you are using a mail-order service for medications because it is less expensive or more convenient, when the medications arrive, you will either be missing several parts of your order OR the box will arrive a day after your first injection.
• If you refrain from drinking alcohol and coffee, partake in daily yoga classes, and eat a healthy, balanced diet, you will not get pregnant.
• Sperm lives in a woman’s body for 3–5 days ONLY if you are a terrified teenager who has no clue (1) when she ovulates and (2) if she took her birth control pill. Sperm lives in an infertile woman’s body for 3–5 hours, therefore making lining up timing with ovulation nearly impossible. This rule also wrecks havoc with the first bullet point and arguments around ovulation. Doctors do not believe this fact and therefore often repeat the idea that sperm lives in all women’s bodies for 3–5 days.
• If you need to run a progesterone test seven days after ovulation and you sigh in relief that you will ovulate with days to spare before you leave for a big trip, you will invariably ovulate too late, therefore making it impossible to test progesterone that cycle.
• The more hand-holding and the more awkward the relationship is with your inlaws, the more likely they will schedule their visit to fall during retreival or transfer. If they are the type who need a gourmet meal cooked nightly and a spotless house, they will arrive one day before your beta.
• The month you run out of your prenatal vitamin and say “fuck it” since you’re not even cycling anyway and angrily put off refilling the prescription for two weeks will be the month you get pregnant.

For more examples of Uterninus’s Law, please see this short film:

To my new favourite person in the world who gave me directions to the Starbucks at exit 10 off of I-84 while we were both washing our hands in the bathroom at the Danbury Barnes and Noble after Josh and I missed the exit for the one Starbucks we know in the area off of exit 2 and we had been driving around coffeeless for hours and you understood what I meant when I told you that I had my heart set on a dulce de leche latte and couldn’t stop at a different coffee place:

Thank you. The directions worked.

Sincerely,
Melissa

DD at TKO…more or less… had the brilliant idea a while back to come up with a Friday Blog Roundup icon that people could use on their blog. And then Summer at Worrier/Warrior came up with the idea of the lasso. So if you’ve already had an entry in roundups past, feel free to add this icon to the bottom or top of the entry or repost the old post again with the new icon to let everyone know that your writing kicks ass (at least in my opinion). And if you are in roundups current, again, feel free to use this icon. And if you are in roundups future, I will start using this icon each week so you can steal it whenever you need it. It would be sort of kind of cool if you linked the picture back to the roundup where you were featured (you link pictures just as you link words, by clicking on the picture, clicking on the link icon in your tool bar, and filling out the appropriate url).

Since everyone seemed to like it, I decided to incorporate the guessing game once a month or so into the Friday Blog Roundup. If you missed the game a few weeks ago, below are the normal descriptions of the blog entries that are featured in the roundup. Only this time, instead of stating the author, you need to guess who wrote the entry without clicking around on the Web to check everyone’s blog. Number a scrap of paper from 1–5 and write down your guess. Then (since we’re doing this on an honour system) check your answers by clicking on the “and the author is…” hypertext at the end of each entry. See how many you got correct and leave a comment with your score. Anyone who gets all 5 correct or the highest scorer gets bragging rights for the month. And an icon from Microsoft Paint that also features a sperm and egg. Since one can never have too many sperm and egg icons…

But, wait, before we begin–Bleu posted this picture and story about this crocheted hat that she lost. There are so many knitters and crocheters in the infertility and pregnancy loss blogosphere that I thought someone could take on recreating the hat as a project. So if you’re up for it, leave a comment for Bleu and let her know.

Okay…so name that blogger:

Mother’s Day itself brought out many more reflections on the day than the pre-holiday entries. In this entry, the author talks about the King Solomon story where two mothers each claim to be the mother of the child. Solomon decrees that he will split the child in half in order to give each woman part of the child. One woman agrees that this is fair, but the other cries out not to hurt the child but to give him to the first woman. Solomon awards the child to the second woman since she is clearly the mother. It’s assumed that she is the mother because only a mother would put her child first like that to protect him over her own happiness. But this blogger asks a more interesting question: “Suddenly, today, it occurs to me I may have missed the point. Where in the text does it provide conclusive DNA proof of genetic relationship? It seems to me King Solomon unmasked something much more important than that. Perhaps his wisdom was this: the woman didn’t act that way because she was the “real” mother – rather, she was the real mother, because she acted that way. So this is for all the real mothers out there today – regardless of what definition others may hold. Regardless of whether you’ve conceived, given birth, passed on genes, or held your child in your arms. Happy mother’s day. I recognise you. And you’re doing a terrific job.” I’m pretty sure that I will revisit this post on many Mother’s Days to come. And the author is…

This author wrote a fantastic list of questions for Mother’s Day trying to catch the definition of motherhood. If she conceived a child but it didn’t live, is she a mother? If a woman gave birth to her but didn’t raise her, is she a mother? How do some people get this title and others do not? She writes about her own status as a mother and the child she lost: “I conceived a child. I carried it in me. I worried for it. I saw its heartbeat. I prayed for it. I decided it was a boy and decided to call him Gabriel…But I never held him in my arms. I never looked him in the eye. There is no birth certificate, no social security number. No one will give me a card today or wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Most of my family doesn’t know he existed. So am I a Mother?” I personally think the answer is “yes.” I believe motherhood begins long before you hold a child in your arms. There are too many childless mothers out there. As well as too many non-parenting mothers who take the title without the job. It’s an interesting list of questions and a fascinating debate. Add you own opinion after you check who the author is…

This blogger has a gorgeous post this week about the summer interns who have filed into her office. They’re bright-eyed, they’re eager, and–most of all–they haven’t been worn down to a nub. This blogger wishes she could be in that space again, before her life became overrun by infertility. She longs to feel excited about something, relax, dream. My favourite is number 4: “I would like to stop thinking that “I can’t” because of the “What if’s”. I can’t make plans for vacation, what if I am cycling? I can’t go ahead with that house project, what if we need the money for another cycle?” Anyone who has never experienced infertility can never understand, and anyone who has experience infertility can’t help but nod their head. And the author is…

I bawled when I read this blogger’s poem about himself especially when I got to the final thought: “Halved, I hope to be, sleepless at night and thrown-up upon by day, holding half of me and half of my greatest love entwined in one small body who will emerge from the womb with more hair than I have had since my senior year at the University of Iowa – I am a father in waiting.” It’s a beautiful thought–though it’s the idea of parenthood and sharing this child (whether it shares your gametes or not) with the greatest love of your life. And the author is…

Lastly, this blogger has a fantastic vent this week on the frustration of having to justify feelings. After she runs through the list, from starting to try to having several failed transfers, she asks the question: “Through it all, through the whole fucking process, you spend all your energy trying to justify the fact that you feel shitty to people. To your family. To your friends. To your husband, who though he’ll comfort you when you cry, gets really frustrated when he hears you say “this is my fault.” But that’s how you feel. And my question is this. Why is it SO FUCKING HARD for people to tell us: “Feel whatever you want to feel?” It’s incredible how much energy is expended on holding in feelings,
putting on a happy face, or explaining yourself in a process that is already emotionally draining. Head over to read the whole post because I can’t really do it justice here. And the author is…

Now that you have your five guesses, click on over and see if you’re correct. And then come back and tell me how many you got right.

Lastly, if you live in the D.C. area, D.C. bloggers are getting together at Clydes in Chevy Chase this Friday at 7 p.m. LJ from Looking for 2 Lines has organized the gathering and I’ve been promised that it’s the first of many get-togethers since I can’t make this one and want to meet up with everyone. Click here for more details including a description of what LJ is wearing so you’ll know how to find everyone. Also, leave her a comment and let her know that you’ll be there so she knows how many to expect.