Okay, so perhaps I am growing a little too attached to the Lost and Found page. I was daydreaming today about turning it into a newsletter that is emailed out to everyone’s inbox–a simple sheet that people can read and know what is happening in the blogosphere and the greater IF/pg loss world. Perhaps it hasn’t grown yet to be newletter worthy. But this week alone, I got to hear updates on a few lost bloggers, learn about new blogs, and not miss Oprah because I had a written reminder. As Oprah would say/sing: “Love it!”

So here is my question of the week (since y’all gave me a lot of food for thought with the propping debate. I think we’re done with propping. I think we’re firmly jumping the line and landing on the non-propping side): would you be upset if I added your news to the Lost and Found page without you sending it to me? The page would become a combination of stuff I read on your blog–not things emailed to me off-blog–such as a pregnancy announcement or a loss as well as any announcements that you do email me to post. My reasoning–there are many losses and failed cycles in the blogosphere right now who can use some support but haven’t emailed me directly to ask me to put it on the list. There are also pregnancy announcements that should be celebrated. Sometimes people have cool things happening on their blog like Patience’s World Tour that they don’t specifically tell me to put on the list. And I love this list.

If we all read it and supported the people on it and used it… It makes me feel like I’m standing in a single room with all of you and we’re at this huge daily cocktail party where in one corner, people are musing, “whatever did happen to getupgrrl?” and in another corner, a blogger going through a loss realizes that she has people from all over the world who have her back. And everyone is invited to the party–it’s an open invite to anyone who has had to work hard for parenthood.

Forgive me, I really need the cocktail party myself. So I’m dragging all of you with me. Plus, I hate the idea of anyone ever feeling alone. Or people shouting into the blogosphere, “I need some support” and not receiving it simply because everyone got busy at the same time and didn’t read many blogs that week. A simple post that everyone can bookmark or send the link to themselves to check off of email (I have it bookmarked in my favourites folder on Mozilla) would solve that problem.

When I first started the blogroll in the sidebar, I asked people before I added them or I waited for people to tell me that they wanted to be on the list. People still email me to be added and I’m always grateful when someone does that. But soon after I started the list, I realized that no one had ever said “no” and started adding people and the list grew to epic proportions. For all I know, people are pissed beyond belief that they’re on the list and just have never told me (um…you can tell me and I can take you off if you’re pissed beyond belief), but I have a feeling that most people don’t mind having others find their blog.

I would like to add announcements and cool things to the Lost and Found page that I read on your blogs. But I don’t want to overstep a line. So please weigh in and let me know if you would be upset to find out that I had pointed people towards your blog if you were going through a loss or celebrating a pregnancy/birth/adoption. Again, this is information you’ve already sent into the blogosphere by posting about it on your own blog. This is not any information that you tell me via email off-blog unless you ask me to post it. This, of course, comes with a two-fold disclaimer: (1) please keep sending me things because I can get behind on things. So don’t wait for me to find it or add it–email it if you want it on the Lost and Found page and (2) please don’t be upset if I do miss your news. It isn’t a slight on your blog or you. Sometimes I get behind.

I considered asking this with a poll, but I’d really like to hear the “why” behind the vote too. So, leave your thoughts in a comment or email them to me. And not to go crazy with it, but I’ve thought of adding an end note to my posts with a link to the Lost and Found page. Please use it. I’d like to make the world a little smaller. For myself. And if you get things from it too, all the better.

Okay, and now the blogs that I write about without asking people beforehand too (damn, I’m just stepping over lines left and right today).

Round Two has the most incredibly moving post this week about the birth of her triplets. It brought me back immediately to the premature birth of the twins–the anger, the sadness, the disconnect, the joy. The nightly calls for weight gain. Staring at the clock, wishing you could hold your baby for just two more minutes but you’re already ten minutes over time. I love the last two lines: “It has been such a long journey, but here we are. Yes here we are at the beginning of a whole new adventure.” Welcome home, Round Two.

Alexa at Flotsam makes me laugh. She really is a salty lassi. Read here if you needed to pee in your pants at your desk. This is turning into one of the most amusing IVF cycles I’ve ever vicariously experienced.

Kristen at Sticky Bean has a gorgeous post this week about miscarriage and marriage (and the bizarre fact that a few letters are added to marriage to spell miscarriage which I had never noticed before). She states the two sides: on one hand, “the loss of your mutual creation makes it only natural to seek solace in each other. Who would understand THIS loss better than your significant other? A friend or family member may have experienced miscarriage and loss but they aren’t living through THIS one right now” and on the other, “the loss can become the elephant in the room. The thing that you don’t discuss and try to ignore, even though it impossible to miss. You suffer silently in your own ways. Perhaps you don’t want to burden your partner with your feelings since you know they are having a hard time too. Or perhaps you feel resentment or guilt.” The part that made me pause was when she said, “I am finding it hard to figure out which category my husband and I are in right now.” The post is achingly beautiful and intelligent and thoughtful.

B at the Shifty Shadow has a post directed at her friends as she wonders how to fit in with fertile friends after her daughter’s neonatal death. She writes so beautifully: “I am sorry my friends…. but I struggle to see you on your own terms. I see, or more accurately, I fe
el your life as the photo of my negative…… What is a baby in your arms is a dark hole in the negative. What is a pregnant belly in your photo is deep blackness in my image.” As well as her final thought: “I do know that I do love you and do not want to lose your friendship. I just don’t know how to keep it.”

I close with a favourite post from OOC from Our Own Creation. She wrote an ode to her husband this week called “And That’s Why I Love Him” where he semi re-pierces her nose for her (you need to read the post to understand so click over). After the stud is back in place and she is sobbing in gratitude, he says, “You never have to panic when I’m around.” And it is the absolute perfect moment in a perfect post.

Speaking of odes, I have another batch ready for this upcoming week. But before you click away into the blogosphere, please take a moment to answer the question above in this post about whether you’d be upset to see your news (only if it is printed first in your blog–not if you told it to me off-blog) on the Lost and Found page.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a writer in possession of a blog, must be in want of good material (I know, I know, it’s the most obvious of openings, but I’m posting my review early so hopefully I’ve beaten everyone else to the punch). Tonight, Josh and I had a date night…

Wait, can I take a side trip for a moment? I used to work at a cafe and we had a customer who would hang out at the bar talking to us while I made coffee. One day, we were talking about someone we both knew and the man exclaimed: “that old queen? He has cobwebs growing between his legs from the last time he was fucked!” Whenever I think of myself as a dating being, I imagine the imaginary cobwebs that are growing over whatever dating organs exist (with the exception of ones that are used for procreation since we certainly get enough tries at that…). I ordered crazy non-Melissa-like sushi tonight just because I had no idea when we’d ever go back out for sushi. We’re such sit in bed and read types of people.

Okay, back to the movie.

Becoming Jane is fiction. Fiction, fiction, fiction, and if I didn’t know this for some reason–say I wasn’t the owner of an English graduate degree–I would have probably picked it up either from every movie review that has mentioned this or at least from the Jane fanatics who were muttering around us in the theater (Wisley? Wisley? Well, in my world, Mr. Wisley is known as Harris Bigg-Wither. Wisley? Why the hell did they have to change the name Bigg-Wither?). So it’s fiction. And it’s a period piece. And if you are a lover of fiction and period pieces, as I’m guessing many of us are by the fact that our theater was packed on a Wednesday night, you may enjoy Becoming Jane quite a bit.

Despite One Smart Mama’s decidedly Austenian slant, I am not a complete Janeophile. I like her books, I’ve read her books, I’ve taught her books. But I don’t need pure Jane. Unlike my fellow theater-goers, I wasn’t really bothered that Harris Bigg-Wither morphed into a fictional character named Mr. Wisley who bore a striking resemblance to Lurch (and I understood why the writers didn’t feel they could have a character named Bigg-Wither. Go ahead. Say it aloud for a moment. Consider it. See, now you get it). It didn’t really bother me that Lefroy–who was a real person–was reimagined into this enormous love interest. I barely raised an eyebrow over the fact that Jane Austen’s brother George was not only cast as deaf, but used ASL even though BSL is used in England (not to mention that Jane died in 1817, the year formal sign language was introduced to America by Laurent Clerc and Thomas Gallaudet–not to be picky or anything). Really, I was able to overlook all of these things because they weren’t important to the core of the story. Which is a woman not willing to compromise and marry even if it is expected of her.

I think the best pieces come from seeing a slice of society–the balls and the formalities. I’m a big whore for etiquette and I love seeing the pomp and circumstance that used to exist and inform relationships. The story, fiction or not, still maintains a core fact of Jane Austen’s life–she gave up marriage to “live by the pen.” Watching the film made me truly appreciate the difficulties embedded in this choice, the repercussions of this monumental decision–what it meant for her parents, what it meant for her later in life. What she gave up for whatever she gained.

Watch the film for the amazing acting by Anne Hathaway (not to mention the fact that the woman is freakin’ hot), for the glimpse into society during this time period, and for the recurrent line dances. It’s a sweet film. And you can’t help but love Jane when she says, “My characters shall have, after a little trouble, all that they desire.” It makes you wish, as you slip your feet in the stirrups yet again, that we could all have the promise of a Jane Austen happy ending.

This is also an opportunity, while we’re on the subject of Jane, to make a call for questions for One Smart Mama. All info about question submissions on the sidebar…

“Mel, you’ve helped me in the past. What can I do for you?”

I’m glad you asked, infertility and pregnancy loss blogosphere.

The more messages that go on it, the more committed I am to making the Lost and Found page float. I am beyond committed. I haven’t been this excited about an idea in a long time. Why, you ask? Because at the heart of it, we’re all time-deprived. I am admitting that the impulse for this page is somewhat selfish because I will use this page every time I’m out of town or swamped by work. We all mean to hit all the blogs we normally read on a given day and then get sidetracked and only get to half. New bloggers who join the community don’t receive the support they need because they don’t have a dedicated readership yet. A bulletin board wouldn’t really solve this problem because people would still need to wade through dozens of messages and questions. And that takes time. And this is about getting all those benefits of a bulletin board without the time factor.

The point to this page is that it’s one-stop shopping. If you’re away from home and you don’t have time to go through all of your daily blogs, you can still check this one place and see if there are any announcements so you can click over and give support. And if you do end up closing your blog or starting a new blog or going password-protected, there is a central spot to get out information–especially to lurkers who may get left behind if they are loyal readers but not loyal commenters.

So the help I need is three-fold. First and foremost, submit news. Think of this as a combination of the front page of the newspaper and an alumni page. Send the happy stuff–pregnancy announcements or birth announcements (even if you think the whole blogosphere knows already) as well as the sad stuff–loss announcements so you can get the support you need. If you have a new blog that started in July or August, list it so people can find you (if you’ve been around for longer than a month, you’ve started building your readership by commenting on other blogs). Send anything that may be of interest to the blogosphere–Jenna recently added an announcement about Wednesday’s Oprah that people may have missed if they hadn’t read her blog yet this week. If you see someone on the Lost list that you know, let them know that people are looking for them. If you’re on the Lost list yourself, provide some information so you can be Found.

Secondly, support those who list information on the page. There are people searching for fellow bloggers who have a similar situation in Connections. Click over and let them know that your blog exists. When people make an announcement–especially an emotional one such as a new pregnancy or a loss announcement–click over and give support. Give them a congratulations or a shoulder-to-cry-on. Say hello to people who list a new blog. I know last year was supposed to be my Year of Building Community but let’s just say that it has bled over into this year too. We have the power to really support each other and make a difference. This is an easy way to do so that takes up less time than clicking through every single blog on my side bar in search of giving support. Gandhi said, “we must be the change we wish to see in the world.” And I try to live my life by these words. I wish to see people come together more, therefore, I created a space to make it easier for people to come together. And selfishly, I draw from that support so I do it for myself as well.

Thirdly, check the page yourself and let others know that it exists. It really only works if people use it. If they not only post stuff, but they read it too. I have been updating it several times a day. People usually only have to wait a few hours to see their words move into the body of the post. There are a few ways to make it easy to check–the url will always be the same (I will start archiving posts at some point and the archive links will always be at the bottom of the main post)

And it’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Here is the master list for the sixth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Club. What is the Barren Bitches Book Club? It’s a book club from the comfort of your own living room. The book club is conducted entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Because I am late in posting this, I have pushed back the reading dates. If you’re already on the list, make sure these new dates work for you.

Book: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits
Author: Ayelet Waldman
Start Date: July 19th
Question Due: September 10
Question List Sent Out: September 11
Post Dates: September 17 and 18
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours.)

Cool addition for this book tour: the author, Ayelet Waldman, is participating and accepting questions about her book!

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (click on any of the links below on September 10th to take you to a stop on this book tour. Jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. I will keep adding to this list until 11 p.m. on September 10th. The list is currently open)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (Melissa)
The Annex (Josh)
Twisted Ovaries (Vanessa)
Kicking You From the Inside (Kate)
Southern Infertility (Samantha)
All Things Deb (Deb)
Beaten But Not Bowed (Drowned Girl)
Still Passing Open Windows (Carlynn)
Weebles Wobblog (Lori)
Waiting for …? (Amy)
Epi-blog (Jenna)
Child Bearing Hips (Cece)
Oscar Wants a Playmate (Jackie)
Our Dance With Infertility (Amy)
Sticky Bean (Kristen)
Fatty Pants (Fattypants)
Anne Imagination (Anne)
Fertilize Me (Farah)

Not on the list and want to join? Drop me an email at thetowncriers@gmail.com. You can add yourself up until 11 p.m. on September 10th.

How the book tour works:

(1) leave a comment or send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) saying that you’re interested in participating.

(2) read Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by September 10th (or at least enough of it in order to ask a question to the group).

(3) at any point, you can email me questions directly for Ayelet Waldman and I will pass them along to her and then compile the answers in another post.

(4) create a single question that would kick off a discussion (in other words, any question that leads to more than a “yes” or “no” answer where someone can express their opinion) and mail it to me on September 10th (or any time beforehand). I will send you a reminder email close to the date. Click here to see sample questions from tour #4.

(5) on September 11th, I will send you a list of possible questions. Everyone will choose 3 questions off the list and answer them in a blog entry. You will find out if you are posting on September 17th or 18th (you can choose).

(6) on September 17th, people will begin to post their entry. Each day, I will post a list of all the people putting up their entry that day so people can go around and read the entries and comment (start a discussion back and forth in the comments section). Reading the entries and commenting on the posts is the best part of the tour–by the end of the week, you should have a comment from every participant (and maybe even a few new permanent blog readers).

Check out the sidebar of my blog for information about future tours if you wish to purchase books at once or read ahead.

Update at the bottom…

Toss out the soynut butter, we are officially peanut butter eaters. I have been living in mortal fear of giving the twins peanut butter because they have other food allergies. The doctor cautioned that we should wait until three for the high-allergens like chocolate, peanut butter, and tree nuts. A few weeks ago, we tried chocolate (which was highly anticipated and yet decidedly poopie–a case where the dream chocolate was much better than the reality). And last night, we tried peanut butter. At a Starbucks. By a hospital.

A woman on a listserv I’m on had posted a message about how she had introduced peanut butter by having a picnic on the grounds of the hospital. Other parents laughed at her, but the neurotic side of me thought it was brilliant. D.C. doesn’t exactly have picnic weather at the moment so we aimed for a Starbucks in close proximity to the local hospital. They immediately noticed the difference between their usual soynut butter and the real deal, which they promptly renamed “Daddy Peanut Butter” in order to ask for it specifically.

Why did we choose last night? It wasn’t just because we’re anxious to get over the peanut hump because we’re heading to the beach and selfishly want Thrashers fries. We chose last night because the second exposure is usually the more dangerous response exposure for peanuts (though a person can develop any allergy at any point in life). Better than a picnic on the hospital grounds? We gave them their second exposure in the form of peanut butter crackers in the waiting room at the doctor’s office while we waited for our three-year check-up.

I am happy to report–no reaction.

Let the peanut festivities begin. And I can now let out a huge sigh of relief.

I hope the Lost and Found list helps connect people again. If you see a blog or person in the “Lost” section that you know/read, let them know that someone is looking for them. If I get information to post for someone in the “Lost” section, I’ll place it in the “Found” section (isn’t that clever) so everyone can read it. And please try to help out those who post a message in the “Connections” section. I’ve added four new categories towards the bottom: miscellaneous news (for face-to-face blogger get togethers, calls for help that are not IF/pg loss related, or any random news–like when Tertia published her book or that sort of thing), pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and loss announcements (decide how you want to use this category–either it can be everything from failed cycles where you need some support or pregnancy loss. Or solely pregnancy loss. It’s your choice). I made the last two categories baby related so people didn’t have to scroll down if they wanted to hold off on reading the information based on where they were emotionally.

I think the only advantage bulletin boards have over blogs is that it is one centralized space in which to draw news. On a busy day, you may miss big announcements if you don’t get through all of the blogs you normally read. I know I miss things all the time or walk into them late in the day. This would be a quick place that people could post news in order to get word out there. I will update the post a few times a day. If you do not email me or leave it in the comments section, I will most likely (except in random cases) not add it to this post–it needs to come from you.

I hope people will use it to spread news. Especially if you go password protected to either let people know how to get an invite or why you are closing down your blog. I hope it will be a combination of front-page-news and alumni announcements.

This list only works if everyone knows about it and uses it as a central place to post blog news or updates. Therefore, please copy the icon from the sidebar or the Lost and Found post and post it with a link to the Lost and Found post. I will never create a new Lost and Found post, I will always have that url work and just move information to archives every week or so.

Any suggestions, additions, deletions appreciated. I would just love a centralized meeting space so no one–from the larger bloggers to the smaller, newer bloggers–falls through the cracks and doesn’t get the support they need.

Someone lost has already been found! Baby Blues reported in.