For some reason, I can’t seem to be able to start this post.

I’ve written and erased several beginnings.

I find it very difficult to write about prematurity.

There was a great post at Purgatory a few weeks ago and LIW wrote: “I have a tendency that my therapist, Susan, knows all too well, to downplay what I have been through. The thinking goes: ‘if I survived/accomplished/endured it, then it couldn’t have been THAT bad, which means that ANYONE could do it and probably do it better’.”

We survived it. We got through the delivery and the NICU and the afterwards and we just closed the book on speech therapy, the last reminder that we know of their prematurity beyond their small stature. Therefore, the answer in my world too is that it must not have been THAT bad. Because, looking through the blogosphere, it is quite easy to find stories where it has been worse. And therefore, not that bad becomes further and further diminished with each other story until it becomes a speck. You begin asking yourself, what’s the big deal. Why am I so bothered by those early pictures? It certainly could have been worse therefore, it falls into the category of “not that bad.” And if it is not that bad, it is okay. And if it’s okay, then it can certainly also be considered good. And if it is good, there isn’t a problem at all, is there?

I’m not sure if this pattern of thinking is a defense mechanism or guilt.

I am very drawn to reading about stories similar to my own and feel a definite kinship with other parents of premature twins. I recent read a book called Tiny Toes, which is actually written by a fellow blogger, Kelly Damron. It chronicles her journey from choosing a clinic for treatments to IVF to bedrest to premature birth and life beyond with premature twins. Arcing over the story are depression, marital woes, and strain with her in-laws.

And it’s hard not place yourself into the story when she shares this slice of her life so honestly and poignantly. She leaves no emotion unturned, admitting to her own foibles and pointing out the mistakes made that lead to larger issues later on. I was struck in the story by the way she reflected on moments, sat with them. Made the reader sit with them as well. And didn’t brush off the experience as not that important, not that bad.

In another week or so, I’m going to begin fundraising again for March of Dimes (though, hey, feel free to jump in now). We do the walk each year with the ChickieNob and Wolvog. It’s partly for the March of Dimes but it’s partly to not forget or minimize their birth. I think it’s important that they walk in it or ride their Big Wheels. It’s the same impulse that makes us go to the NICU reunion each year. It’s partly for the doctors to see how big they’ve gotten and it’s partly so we don’t forget how small they started. It’s good to move on, but it’s good to look backwards too. We don’t have the worst story and we don’t have the best story, but we have a story that drives us to connect with other parents of premature children and to raise money and awareness for prematurity.

I am currently building my webpage for the event; trying to decide what to write. I know it is only up for a short amount of time–there is only two months until the walk. But it feels so important too. As do all the people who donate or participate in the walk. And I’m finding it difficult to write that page too.

It’s a strange coincidence–I recently read an article about the term car accident. The writer explained their problem with the word accident. Accident implies that no one was at fault, that the situation couldn’t be avoided. The writer preferred the term car crash because there is a reason behind most collisions. The person was distracted and talking on a cell phone; the person was changing the CD while driving; the person drove through a red light, trying to shave a few minutes off their trip; the person went before it was their turn at a 4-way stop because they felt as if everyone else was driving too slowly. Or, just hypothetically, the person was in the right lane, realized they wanted to make a left turn and made it anyway.

Three guesses about what happened to me last Friday.

Looking for the second list of Embryo Culture bloggers? It’s right below this post. Click here to jump there immediately. But wait, don’t you want to read the author’s thoughts?

You know how some people remember everyone they slept with (I actually remember this too…I was only a kissing slut)? I remember how I heard about every book on my bookshelf. Where I bought it, where I read about it, if I went to the store specifically to pick it up or if I found it while browsing. I can usually remember locations where I read it and the bookmark I used. This level obviously points to one conclusion–I have a book fetish.

I was at home when I read my husband’s email: Nextbook is featuring a book by Beth Kohl and they have a link to an interview on Salon with her. And, ten commandments be damned, I coveted. If you’ve read Beth’s work on the Huffington Post, you know that she is smart and engaging and not just a little bit sassy. Anyone who refers to her period as an “underpant-wrecking mess” has my attention.

Her book didn’t disappoint. It serves two distinct purposes–for the outsider, it is a window into the experience. She chronicles her numerous IVF cycles in great detail from the constant wandings to the bickering that takes place on the way to the clinic. For the insider, she asks the tough questions: what are the long-term effects of treatments on both the adult and the child; should there be an age cut-off for treatments; how does ART fit into our beliefs within religion?

It is an important text in the infertility pantheon specifically because it does bridge that gap between outsider and insider and because it extends beyond the self-help or how-to books (which are also very important) and becomes more of an ethical compass for the journey. Kohl doesn’t wrap it up with neat answers within the pages. Infertility and the decisions that accompany it are messy. It is really hard to have solid, unwavering answers; especially with the understanding that medicine is more art than anything else and even something as intricate as IVF is simply like throwing pasta against the wall see what sticks. When you can’t create a single solution that will work the same way each time even for the same person, it becomes impossible to make easy decisions across a diverse community. Kohl’s book is a great starting point to having those internal discussions before you’re too deep in the process.

I didn’t sit down with Beth Kohl because she’s in the Midwest and I’m on the East Coast, but let’s just pretend that we both grabbed martinis in the Virtual Lushary. In reality, we caught up via email exchanges where she answered the following questions. In between playing Jewish geography over people back at the University of Wisconsin where we were both Badgers, we spoke about her book. I carried with me a list of questions posed by my fellow Barren Bitches of Book Brigade fame.

Melissa: Hey, Beth, how are you?

Beth: Great Mel. Fire away (she didn’t actually say this but when you’re conducting a virtual interview, you sometimes need to create a warm opening to give the effect of martinis, Jewish geography, and talk about underpant-wrecking messes).

Melissa: So many books about infertility are written by those who have gone through treatments or adoption and emerged out the other side with a child. Do you think the book would have been published if you weren’t successful with treatments? Do you think you would have wanted to write it?

Beth: I think one of the big reasons that my editor wanted to publish this particular book is because it was a “success story.” She had experienced a terrible pregnancy loss and shared that information with me as part of her formal offer for the book. She liked the idea that I’d be working on something with a broad appeal, that I’d tell a compelling personal story while offering some glimpses at the fertility landscape. I also think the fact that I wrote from a place of relative ease after going through, well, all manners of torture that you all know about first-hand, assured her I’d be able to lend a certain perspective and an intellectual curiosity that would be impossible if I were still grieving. When I told her that I was keen to explore big-time questions — religious, bioethical, social — I think she knew that as uncomfortable as they might make me, the fact I had three major supports in the form of my daughters would allow me to tackle them head on.

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve read a ton of books and articles, essays and blog posts about fertility and gain something from everything I read, no matter the author’s outcome or current status. But my editor liked that I wouldn’t be writing a roller coaster ride of tragedy. Rather, like a couple of books that I told her had influenced the way I was thinking about this one, including The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon, which sheds a bright light on mental illness through an individual’s chronicle, a book that not only taught me a ton, but which forced me to reckon with many previously unexamined ideas about mental illness (hey, you try growing up in a house with a psychiatrist for a step-father who saw his patients in our den and who thought it would be good for the patients and children alike to interact). I also mentioned Stephen L. Carter’s Reflections of an Affirmative Action Baby as a sort of model for what I hoped to achieve since Carter does such a remarkable job of capturing people’s ambivalence toward affirmative action, even while he admits that he is one of affirmative action’s biggest beneficiaries. I think she liked that I was thinking about infertility in this larger context, that I was striving to write a book with a narrative core, but one that sought to engage its readers in a social debate. The fact that I am participating in this incredible book club is a testament to her vision. I’ll be sure to forward the Stirrup Queens link to her, as well.

As for me being as gung-ho about writing the book, I don’t know. I’ve always been one who sees the value in sharing one’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In fact, I was working on this material while going through IVF (I had started an MFA in Writing at approximately the same time as I started the IVF) so maybe I would have soldiered on and written an entire book. But, then again, having a book deal and a sympathetic editor certainly helped.

Melissa: As soon as I saw the cover with all its stitchery, I began to examine it in detail and found connections to the infertility journey easily. And I absolutely love it. What inspired the “embroidered” cover and the raised feel of the title?

Beth: I loved the idea that this is a a book about the most traditional and age-old of subjects — parenthood and reproduction — but that it talks about them in a very modern context, an idea that I think the jacket reflects. I also happen to have some old samplers at home and started really looking at them, noticing all of these biblical and idyllic symbols — a tree of life, Adam and Eve, a church, children and animals scurrying about — and thought that if we modernized it, using IVF and medical images, the combined effect would reflect the book’s content and my own s
crambled vision. And I loved the way it turned out. At first glance, it looks sort of Ye Olde, but when you keep on examining it, like you say you did, you notice the DNA helix and the syringes and stethoscopes. In fact, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, the publisher, is one of those august, uber-literary publishing houses. It tickles me to no end that they allowed the jacket designer to subvert their corporate symbol (three little fish) into sperm.

Melissa: You write about your kids in this book as well as overarching thoughts about treatments. Did you censor yourself while writing it knowing that they would read it later on? Do you plan on handing the book to them or just waiting until they ask to read it?

Beth: Not that my book is James Joyce, exactly, but I doubt my kids could even begin to penetrate this stuff. When they express an interest in reading it (Sophia is now in 2nd grade and Anna and Lily are kindergarteners), I’ll happily hand it over. I think it’ll be a good way for us to talk about issues (including, I suppose, my many youthful indiscretions). I hope my having posed these questions and offered up our (their) personal story in such a public way won’t make my children anxious or resentful. Rather, I’m hoping the book will serve as a testament to how deeply we desired them and that examining suppositions is an okay thing to do.

Melissa: I had a question about intended audience. When you were writing the book, who did you imagine as the audience? Those infertile? Educating the non-infertile world?

Beth: I wrote much of this stuff as little snippets and exercises while getting my MFA. Pity those young artsy guys who had to read it. But I wasn’t really thinking about an audience at that point, just writing what struck me as interesting. And then once I had a book deal and many chapters to write, I guess I had multiple audiences in mind, including people with ART experience, but also a general audience who I think would profit by knowing what we infertility patients go through, the issues we face, and how this stuff isn’t happening in isolation. I wanted future, current and formerly infertile people to know that they weren’t alone in their doubts and questions. I also wanted to pose a set of concerns for those who hadn’t really thought about the many issues that ART and infertility stir up.

Melissa: The Barren Bitches just wanted to pass along that we really enjoyed the book and you have a beautiful family. I have to ask, since the book was written, have you undergone any more treatments? Any FETs perhaps?

Beth: Thank you on both counts. Ugh. I haven’t yet made up my mind about the FET, although I have a half-used batch of meds in my closet. I was ready to go, had finally convinced Gary that it was the right time and that I could handle another baby or disappointment, whichever happened, and we were back at the fertility clinic. I was giving myself the shots and taking the folic acid when my editor (the one I’ve already expressed love for, right), called to say it’d be such a bad time for me to get pregnant what with the book scheduled to come out right about when I’d have a newborn. So I had about four hours to decide whether or not to administer the meds that evening. I fretted, thought it’d be asinine to let a literary editor be the one to pull such a personal trigger. But I didn’t want to regret going forward. I didn’t want it to not work and to breathe a sigh of relief. And I didn’t want to get pregnant and worry that I’d made some terrible mistake. So Gary and I decided that we could wait, I’m still in my 30s, blah, blah, blah. Hence, the unused meds. But I still don’t know what we’ll do since the book is now out and I haven’t dipped back into my supply of Lupron. And have I mentioned that I’ll be 40 in May? Or that I’m starting work on a new book? But what about those seven embryos? Help!

Melissa: (setting down her empty martini glass) Thank you, Beth. For everyone else out there, you can read our reaction to Beth’s work through the Barren Bitches Book Brigade (either Group A or Group B). And join along for the next book in the series.

New List:

Welcome to the tenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Book: Embryo Culture
Author: Beth Kohl
Start Date: January 25
Post Dates: March 3 and 4
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about all upcoming tours and book events.)

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (click on any of the links below to take you to a stop on this book tour. Jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on Embryo Culture. We’ve broken down the current tour into two groups. This is the second of two groups).

Group B:

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes (Baby Steps)
Fertility Notes (Gabrielle)
Sell Crazy Someplace Else (Jendeis)
Life, Love and the Pursuit of Normalcy (Tammy)
Journey to Baby – Uncertain Yet Hopeful (Hoping4baby)
A Day in the Life of a Moody Person (Rian)
Desperately Seeking Baby (Heather)

Even if haven’t read Embryo Culture, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The next book for book tour #11 is The Mistress’s Daughter by AM Homes. The author will be participating too. The Mistress’s Daughter is AM Homes’s true story about her adoption and reunion with her birthparents. But it becomes so much more–what does it mean to be related, how do we become like our parents, what does it mean to be a family. I ended up reading the book in two sittings because I was so completely drawn into her thoughts. It’s short, but packs a punch.

The Details: Tour #11 will start March 5. Participants will read The Mistress’s Daughter by AM Homes. On Wednesday, April 9th everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you on April 10th. You can also send along any questions you have directly for AM Homes. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on April 14–16 (we will break up into two or three smaller groups and you can choose which day works best for you when the date gets closer). Each day of the tour, I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #11, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The next few tours are always listed on the new upcoming and past tours list. Happy reading.

Welcome to the tenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Book: Embryo Culture
Author: Beth Kohl
Start Date: January 25
Post Dates: March 3 and 4
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about all upcoming tours and book events.)

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (click on any of the links below to take you to a stop on this book tour. Jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on Embryo Culture. We’ve broken down the current tour into two groups. A new list will be posted tomorrow).

Group A:

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (Mel)–my post is below this one
Beaten But Not Bowed (Drowned Girl)
The Duchess (Duchess)
Slaying, Blogging, Whatever… (Delenn)
The Road Less Travelled (Loribeth)
The Dunn Family (Erica)
The Infertile Long and Winding Road (Ms. Infertile)
All Things Deb (Deb)
Everyday Stranger (Helen)

Even if haven’t read Embryo Culture, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The next book for book tour #11 is The Mistress’s Daughter by AM Homes. The author will be participating too. The Mistress’s Daughter is AM Homes’s true story about her adoption and reunion with her birthparents. But it becomes so much more–what does it mean to be related, how do we become like our parents, what does it mean to be a family. I ended up reading the book in two sittings because I was so completely drawn into her thoughts. It’s short, but packs a punch.

The Details: Tour #11 will start March 5. Participants will read The Mistress’s Daughter by AM Homes. On Wednesday, April 9th everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you on April 10th. You can also send along any questions you have directly for AM Homes. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on April 14–16 (we will break up into two or three smaller groups and you can choose which day works best for you when the date gets closer). Each day of the tour, I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #11, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The next few tours are always listed on the new upcoming and past tours list. Happy reading.