Updated at the bottom (and yet again Friday morning):

I left work still thinking about this and I don’t want to carry it into my holiday.

I have an MFA; I think, at this point, I can call myself a professional artist. My background is in writing, my tangential credit hours are in printmaking. I’ve been a printmaker–italio and etching–for 16 years.

The mark of a responsible artist–as I was taught–is to focus on intent and predict reaction. After all, without intent, art is meaningless. Without a lack of consideration for others, art is at best thoughtless and at worst reckless.

What was Aliza Shvarts intent and predicted reaction?

“The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body.”

Her intent was to open discourse, and, of course, she has. We are all talking about this. Perhaps, not in the way she hoped or with the focus being on the relationship between art and the human body. I have yet to read anything about this project that actually fulfills the student’s intent. What I have read are a lot of thoughts about responsibility–which was not actually the point of the project. So, from that standpoint, I would give this project a failing grade.

I am not upset by her actions on one hand–after all, she was never pregnant therefore, it was never an abortion nor a miscarriage. For pregnancy to occur, implantation needs to occur and hCG needs to be noted. She can inseminate herself as much as she wishes, but if she is taking medications afterwards to stimulate her body to reject it, she is not actually impregnating herself. She is merely squirting in some semen, encouraging her body to slough off the uterine lining, and believing she has experienced a miscarriage.

For those of us who have actually experienced a miscarriage, we know that the physical part is nothing. It’s the emotional part that kills you.

Taking cold medicine doesn’t mean that you have a cold and taking abortion pills after an insemination doesn’t mean that you are miscarrying. But I don’t expect a 21-year-old art major to understand how conception works.

I do expect that there is an adult somewhere in the background who approved this project. And that is where my anger, my disappointment, my frustration, my bile is directed. Because there is too fine a line between free thought and irresponsible guidance. And this was a teaching opportunity missed.

Aliza Shvarts, like most people in this world, cannot be expected to know how miscarriage–or abortion–actually feels emotionally. But an adult can be expected to exercise enough guidance to help her understand that pretending through art does not mean you can make an actual statement about reality. And what was then the point of this project and what did she learn from a year at Yale?

I am pro-choice AND I’m an infertile woman and it’s a hard road to walk internally because those two worlds clash so strangely. But this isn’t about abortion at all for me. Or even reproductive rights. Or a woman hurting her body or tossing away a chance or treating gametes like garbage. Gametes like paint. Maybe, a small part of it is anger at someone treating so cavalierly what I can’t do on my own. Or memories of what I believed to be true back when I was in college. Or simply a visceral memory of crouching over the toilet, my head leaning against the wall. Or lying on a gurney in an emergency room hallway because there were no curtained areas for privacy.

Driving home today, I realized why I was still crying, hours after I had read about it. And it isn’t just about the reproductive statement. This is precisely why I left academia and that decision, while it was the best one for me, is still something I find very painful and a huge loss. When I left academia, I left behind years and years of work that had taken me to that place. But I couldn’t work in a place where the lines between teaching and thought and irresponsibility and thoughtlessness were so hazy that people got damaged in the limbo land that existed between the two states. Anything can be justified–anyone can form an argument. Anyone can create a thesis and defend a thesis. But just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should do something. There are real lives that get hurt along the way.

Update:

A statement released by Yale this evening:

Ms. Shvarts is engaged in performance art. Her art project includes visual representations, a press release and other narrative materials. She stated to three senior Yale University officials today, including two deans, that she did not impregnate herself and that she did not induce any miscarriages. The entire project is an art piece, a creative fiction designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body.

She is an artist and has the right to express herself through performance art.

Had these acts been real, they would have violated basic ethical standards and raised serious mental and physical health concerns.

But it doesn’t violate basic ethical standards to fuck with people’s heads?

This still doesn’t clear up the original point that was upsetting me so deeply–that there are professors who guided this project and others in academia condoning this. And frankly, as much as I believe in free speech, I don’t believe in the right to intentionally emotionally hurt other people. There is a difference between speaking your mind and possibly hurting someone with your words and outright lying to push emotional buttons.

And perhaps it is because I left academia over an incident where someone was pushing emotional buttons that it brought out a very raw, internal scream. I had been saving my disgust for the way my own university processed events and condoned behaviour. It has certainly expanded today.

Second Update:

Nope, turns out that she simply lied to Yale and is now “disputing their claim.” I always thought academia was about discovering truths…not creating lies.

But Shvarts reiterated Thursday that she repeatedly use a needleless syringe to insert semen into herself. At the end of her menstrual cycle, she took abortifacient herbs to induce bleeding, she said. She said she does not know whether or not she was ever pregnant.

“No one can say with 100-percent certainty that anything in the piece did or did not happen,” Shvarts said, “because the nature of the piece is that it did not consist of certainties.”

But thank you for this:

The abortion-rights group NARAL Pro-Choice America also condemned the exhibition in a written statement e-mailed to the News on Thursday.

“This ‘project’ is offensive and insensitive to the women who have suffered the heartbreak of miscarriage,” said Ted Miller, a spokesman for the organization.

Back when I worked for the NEH, we used to joke about some of the art funded by our sister organization, the NEA. When I was joking about it, it was more in the sense of the absurdity of what was given money or what was considered art. I don’t think I had ever thought about how someone’s art could potentially be hurtful–emotionally–to another person. Cathartic, yes. Difficult in the sense that it dredged up huge emotions, yes. But making them profoundly uncomfortable without anything gained from the experience–no, I had never considered that when I was mocking some of the art project funding. And I’m sure some of those projects did.

Please do not click on this link and read this article if you are not in a good emotional space right now. When I tell you that I found it disturbing, I am telling you that my stomach hurts and I feel profoundly uncomfortable in my own skin. That I feel somewhat irresponsible sharing it because I know how much it upset me. And I can’t even put why into words right now. I plan on writing about this later when I can collect my thoughts and not respond while crying.

This isn’t about being pro-Choice or pro-Life. This is simply about turning what is still the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and pretending that it’s art.

It’s an easy parallel to draw especially since many times the two situations intertwine: trying-to-conceive bears many similarities to trying-to-partner. In both cases, we believe the timing is within our control until we discover that life has its own timetable. We can put in hours and hours of hope and hard work and have nothing to show for it on the other end. It may be the thing we want most, but the only aspect of our life that is completely out of reach. Both situations can move like a roller coaster once the tame ride picks up steam after the first twist or drop.

Those who find their partner with relative ease or conceive their child on the first or second try, probably wouldn’t describe these life events as difficult or a roller coaster. But for those on the other end of the statistics, the ones who put themselves out there and try Internet dating and allow themselves to be set up by their Great Aunt Jane or the ones who turn to assisted conception or adoption to build their families after years of disappointments, wouldn’t wish this time period on their worst enemy.

I was speaking about this with my cousin last weekend: dating sucks. Anyone who is stressed out about never having a first kiss again needs to take a step back and remember all of the horrible things about dating that they’re blocking out of their mind. Yes, there is the excitement of a first date and those nights where you don’t sleep, trying to find out everything about each other. And that certainly is more interesting than the day-to-day life of picking dirty socks off the floor. But there’s also the anxiety–why isn’t the other person calling and what did they mean by that and do they really like me and will I have to go alone to my friend’s wedding in June?

It’s a little bit like how we long to be back in college. Yes, you want to be young again and relive those college years, but would you really want to be apply for college right now? Because that is part of the experience too. The filling out of forms and stressing about the SATs and waiting by the mailbox for a letter. And even once you got to college, it wasn’t always pulling all-nighters with your friends around a half-eaten box of Gumby’s Pizza Pokey Stixes. It was about arguing with a professor and receiving a C for all of your hard work and stressing about what you wanted to be when you grew up.

The infertility world often debates this analogy and it’s interesting because sometimes, the two situations intersect: because a person didn’t find their partner until later in life, they waited to try to conceive until later in life and their infertility may or may not be attributed to age (just to be clear, infertility in your 40s may be a condition of age OR it may be caused by a situation that has always existed but since fertility wasn’t tested until later, wasn’t discovered until later). I imagine it can be salt in a very open wound to have experienced the waiting and difficulties of a long road to partnership only to be met with the waiting and difficulties of a long road to parenthood.

One of the most interesting posts I’ve ever read on the topic came from Teendoc at Welcome to the Dollhouse. She writes of both sides, first an exchange she had with a fellow blogger who tells her that singledom (when one wishes for a partner) is not like infertility because love can happen at any age–there can always be hope that love is around the corner since it holds no limits unlike reaching parenthood. Teendoc responds with an interesting point:

Yet going back to the original theme of this post, I have lived both lonely singledom and infertility. I’ve been to hell in both arenas and I wouldn’t wish either of these states on my worst enemy. However, from where I sit, I completely disagree with the blogger I quoted. For me, infertility was not worse that 2 decades of being single and lonely. Why? Because I had my love, my partner, my husband to travel the infertility road with me. His presence soothed my heart in ways that I cannot begin to explain.

So what is the point of all this writing? Well, while we are still caught up in the pain, frustration and loss of infertility, and want others to be sensitive to our feelings and needs, we must remember that others can be living their own personal versions of hell that are equally important to them. We cannot decide that our pain is greater than another’s pain. Pain is pain. The distress it causes must be respected and not judged.

What kicked off this long thought about the connection between infertility and coupledom? An internal question about whether it is polite to ask after a single person’s love life. Is it polite or rude–caring or hurtful–to ask a friend if they’re currently dating someone? I can only speak for the infertility side and say that when you are trying and failing to conceive, it can be salt in the wound to be constantly asked at family gatherings or when catching up with friends when you plan on having children. Do you admit that you’ve been trying and failing? Do you lie? Do you blow off the question entirely by changing the subject? Do you burst into loud, gasping sobs?

Is it equally hurtful to ask someone single if they’re dating someone? Does it show an interest in all aspects of their life or is it simply poking at a sore spot to constantly be asked the same question? And are the two situation similar–asking about family building vs. asking about dating?

Your thoughts?

The Ethicist meets Carolyn Hax and has a love-child via IVF

I have loved writing One Smart Mama (when I pull my shit together and write One Smart Mama) but the time has come to slim it down and bring it over here for a little Tuesday Tea. The reason for my slowness is not actually coming up with the advice–oh, yes, I have tons of assvice and information and analogies in my back pocket–it is the damn Microsoft Paint cartoon and the Jane Austen quotes. Therefore, the new version of this advice column will debut next Tuesday and run every week and be henceforth known as Barren Advice. My cycles may be off, but my thoughts are spot-on.

Why should you take advice from me? Well, you’re not actually just taking it from me… I mean, this is a blog and there is a comment section, and unlike advice columns in newspapers where the main answer is the end answer, on my blog, the answer is the starting point and the comment section is a place for others to chime in with their thoughts. So it’s one question and sometimes 20 answers. The only other reason why you should take advice from me is if you think I’ve proven myself sane and intelligent from One Smart Mama or advice I’ve offered in the past on my blog or in your comment section. Plus, I have always wanted to be an advice columnist and you have been already making that dream come true through One Smart Mama. And moving the column over here (and dropping the cartoon and quotes) will speed things along since I tend to (cough) sit with One Smart Mama questions (cough) in my inbox for a week at a time.

You should not take advice from me if you are looking for the worst story on the Internet–I don’t have it and I haven’t experienced even half of the endless facets of infertility–though I’ve probably read more books, spoken to more people, and listened to more stories than I can begin to list and that’s where I draw from to write all of the sections of the book that I haven’t experienced (yet) and that’s where I’ll draw from to answer your questions. You should not take advice from me if you think I’m a doctor because I’m not (it seemed pertinent to say something along those lines as a disclaimer).

So here are the fine details:

• Like the Roundup on Fridays, I will post Barren Advice on Tuesdays.
• Ask me any questions related to infertility, adoption, donor gametes, living child-free after IF, parenting after IF, pregnancy after IF…um…anything IF. General issues: relationships, etiquette, wedding, friendships. I do not wear lipstick and my shoes rarely match what I’m wearing so I’m not the best person for fashion tips. So, it doesn’t have to be IF related (someone on One Smart Mama once asked about seeing an ex-boyfriend, for instance), though you know that I’m good for a “getting out of a baby shower” excuse. When a question involves pregnancy or babies, I will place “children mentioned” somewhere before that question so you can skip it if you need to because this is still an IF blog–but it’s an IF blog where pregnancy and parenting questions may also come into play because the whole community is welcome here.
• Send questions to thetowncriers@gmail.com and put “Barren Advice” in the subject line.
• Make sure you indicate in your email whether you want the question submitted anonymously or linked to your blog. Reasons for keeping anonymous are probably obvious. Reasons for having it linked–if I have to shorten your question or the situation requires people to read a bit of background, you can send me a permalink to a post on your blog that I can add in order to save space in the question asking on my blog.
• I will post between 1–4 questions and answers per week. I doubt I’ll get more than that anyway, but if I do, I’ll either do a supplemental post or hold it over until the next week. If something is very time sensitive, please indicate that in the note too.
• If I can’t answer your question on my own, I will consult with someone who can help me. If I have to consult and you’ve asked me to keep it anonymous, I will not give out any identifying information to the person I’m consulting. I’ll just say, “I have this friend…”

If you hate the advice I end up giving you at some point, I apologize in advance. Really, I try my best to sit with things for a long time before I answer. And I often practice by handing out random assvice to everyone so like a good gymnast, I am always in training and keeping myself limber just in case I’m called up to the Olympics at a moments notice.

And start sending questions… right… wait… riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… now! So I can have more than one for this upcoming first column.

Oh, and do you like the graphic–get it? Barren Advice. Bare Advice. Bare. Frank. No frills. Barren. Nothing seems to stick in my womb. Stark. I thought I was being clever. No? Yes? No?…

Welcome to the eleventh tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Book: The Mistress’s Daughter
Author: AM Homes
Start Date: March 5
Post Dates: April 14 and 15
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about all upcoming tours and book events.)

Did you miss the interview today with AM Homes? Click here.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (click on any of the links below to take you to a stop on this book tour. Jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on The Mistress’s Daughter. We’ve broken down the current tour into two groups. This is the second list).

Group B:

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (Mel)
I Won’t Fear Love (Julia)
Desperately Seeking Baby (Heather)
Test Tube Babies (Naomi)
All Things Deb (Deb)
Life After Infertility and Loss (JuliaS)
Baby, Borneo, or Bust (Queenie)

Even if haven’t read The Mistress’s Daughter, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The next book for book tour #12 is Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. The author will be participating too. According to Wikipedia: “Water for Elephants is a historical novel by Sara Gruen. The novel centers on Jacob Jankowski and his experiences in a travelling circus called The Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth.” It was a New York Times bestseller AND a Booksense #1 Pick.

The Details: Tour #12 will start April 16. Participants will read Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. On Wednesday, May 21st everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you on May 23rd. You can also send along any questions you have directly for Sara Gruen. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on May 27 and 28 (we will break up into two or three smaller groups and you can choose which day works best for you when the date gets closer). Each day of the tour, I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #12, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The next few tours are always listed on the new upcoming and past tours list. Happy reading.