There are a lot of posts that I simply don’t post. Sometimes, after sitting on a thought for a while, I decide that I don’t need to post it to gain closure. The other problem with sitting on a thought for a bit is that the emotions pass and you don’t need the support to get through those feelings. It would be a little strange to receive the equivalent of a hug when I’m not in this space right now.

I don’t know why I keep opening this post and then closing it without posting. But without understanding the “why,” I figure that it must mean that a part of me wants to put it out there. Perhaps it will help someone else? But I’ll begin this by saying that I’m not in this emotional space right now. I’ve also tacked on a second post that also never went up that relates to this same time period. And I’ll warn in advance that because it is actually two posts combined into one, this post is looooooooooooong.

This whole damn post is about the ChickieNob and Wolvog so I also understand if you wish to skip it. It also contains some advice I received recently, so perhaps you’ll want to skim to find it. Either/or.

When the twins were in the NICU, the thought that got me through those first months of living in the hospital and coming home on heart monitors and living in constant fear was that it would get easier. I was going through the hardest part and one day it would be easy. And I’m not saying that it wasn’t hard–it was really hard during that time.

Then, when we were in the sleepless stage–a stage that lasted until 16 months for us because we couldn’t drop any night feeds due to low weight (we were not even on the charts)–I thought, this is the hardest part because I’m emotional AND exhausted. But it will get easier once they sleep. Or, at least, sleep at the same time.

Then they could move and I had to figure out how to watch two children going in two directions at once. Then they learned the word “no” and I had to learn how to navigate behaviour. We had to learn how to drink from a cup and sleep in a bed and potty training is still kicking my ass.

I kept waiting for things to get easier and they kept getting harder. They are getting so much harder.

With infertility, you don’t really remember the physical pain. I mean, you remember that you were in physical pain, but I can’t really muster how any test or procedure or blood draw felt–only that it hurt. But the emotional pain stays with you forever. You can bring yourself right back into that emotional space with a scary intensity as you think back over words said or failed cycles or moments of loss.

The same is true with parenting in a sense except the intensity and distance come from the situations I can remember experiencing myself vs. the ones I only experience through the twins. The learning to walk, teaching them to sleep, getting them to eat broccoli–those parenting moments are painful (sometimes) in the moment, but now, years apart from some of those experiences, I can barely remember how we did it much less how it felt in the moment. I know I was exhausted, but I can’t really remember how exhausted felt. I know that I cried a lot when they gave up their bottle, but we’ve used cups for so long that I never think about it.

But I am having a really hard time watching my children go through things that were emotional triggers for me as a child. I taught middle school for years and Josh always said that he couldn’t understand how I could submerge myself in those years–those years that are so emotionally painful for almost everyone on this earth–and not spend my entire day crying with the kids.

The fact is that as much as I thought I cared about those children, as much as I would have done anything to protect them in the moment and acted like mother while they were between school walls, I watched everything with a detachment. It was like a surgeon who could eat lunch while prepping for surgery, looking at pictures of intestines or livers. You somehow detach and stop thinking about what you are seeing or hearing.

But with the twins, there is no space. It feels like it is happening to me all over again. The navigating friendships and circumventing fears. The true growing pains. I had to plan their birthday party last week and I spent more time crying than I did writing out the details. It brought out all of my worries–would they have enough friends? I never had enough friends; would they have enough? Would they be popular and kind? What if they were popular and mean? Or unpopular but kind? The friendship thing is a huge trigger for me.

If this trend continues, with things always getting harder, how will I make it through their middle school years? How will I make it through their first crushes, their first dates, their first lost friends? I can’t even fathom how I’m going to let them go to preschool next year much less how I will ever drive away from their college after helping them move in.

I know, I know, the point is not to jump fifteen years into the future and worry about that now, but I always thought it would get easier. I thought once they became self-sufficient, it would be easy. And now, I’ve come to realize–at least for me–that the sleep training and crawling and transitioning to a bed–those were all so small, so frustrating in the moment, but forgotten soon after. But the emotional things–making friends and losing friends, overcoming fears and seeing your child consumed with fear, watching your child experience anger or frustration–these stay with you and bring you directly back into your own childhood with scary intensity.

It is one thing to talk about your childhood while you eat a slice of pizza with a friend. It is another thing to relive those moments as you watch someone you love go through it. I just didn’t realize that this part was going to be so hard.

And I’m eating the words I spoke before I had children: “these parents don’t even appreciate what they have. I would do anything to have my own middle schooler.” And maybe, that distance wasn’t bad parenting. Maybe that distance I saw between parent and child was simply a mother protecting her heart as she watched her child go through some of the most painful years of her life.

My mother gave me a great piece of advice that I’m going to pass along to you right after I extrapolate and expand and twist her idea (sorry, mummy) because I think it is a very interesting way of looking at arguments and tears as well as shifting the placement of a line.

To completely twist my mother’s words: if you don’t spend any time thinking you are a shit partner, worker, mother (take your pick of role that you beat yourself up about), then you aren’t caring enough. You are going to mess up and you’re going to have fights and you’re going to have days when you’re short with your kids. And the fact that you’re crying afterwards is actually a sign of how much you care. And that care is more important than perfection.

In terms of a relationship, a couple who cares will have a fight every once in a while. Fights in a relationship are a sign of passion, activity, the attempt to bring two worlds into sync. The alternate would be a lack of fights but also a lack of communication, attachment, care. Two people, existing in a house, without the energy to actually navigate one another. Even the most perfectly suited partners (or friends or family members) argue every once in a while.

It brings new meaning to the idea of what are you willing to fight for.

She gave me this advice on a day when I lost it with the Wolvog and screamed at him an hour into his own tantrum (so much for deep breathing for an entire hour). After the apologies, more tears, and an early bedtime, I called my mother and admitted that I had yelled at him because keeping it a secret (the only people who knew I h
ad yelled were the Wolvog, the ChickieNob, and I) was eating me from the inside out. I had this compulsion to admit that I was a shit mother who had yelled at her child and startled him with this roar of frustration.

I think blogging is such an interesting medium because it give us this sounding board to do just that: release this compulsion to scream to the world, “I fucked up.” I fucked up. I yelled at him and weeks later, I still feel terribly about it. But I really did like her advice about why we occasionally yell or break down. We cry because there is so much at stake. We cry because we feel so passionately and we have so much love. And that, frankly, terrifies us; especially when we think of all the ways we can fuck up inside that love.

My question though is when we step over that line and fights actually signal a problem in the relationship and tears actually signal depression. It’s a slippery line of when enough becomes too much.

And I’ll end this by saying I care. I care so damn much. I care that they have the best childhood possible. And it keeps me awake at night, worrying. I know there are blessings from a skinned knee and other platitudes like that, but it is so exquisitely painful to watch someone you love struggle. Whether or not you are currently a parent, I think we all can understand that thought through any friendship or relationship you have had. It is so hard to see someone you love struggle and to wish you could do something and to know that part of life is the inability to orchestrate the things that truly matter.

Maybe I needed to post this tonight because I had an incredibly frustrating day today. And I deep breathed through it and came out the other side without screaming. We don’t have punishments or rewards in our house–only positive and negative consequences to our actions. The Wolvog had taken peace and relaxation out of my time so I told him that the consequence was that I was taking the relaxation out of his time. As his sister chilled with Wonder Pets (there is such a freakin’ long story tied to why it was Wonder Pets and perhaps it could best be explained with a Show & Tell), we rocked in the chair (I may have been a bitch about relaxation in regards to television, but who is going to turn down knocking back with a shnuzzle?) and quietly spoke about what we take away from one another. And each time I repeated, “you took happiness out of my time and that is why I’m taking happiness out of yours” he would lay his head down on my chest in agreement and apology. It was such a larger moment than the scream. I wish I knew how to always reach that place instead of stumbling into it in the dark.

And, yes, once he got it, once I knew that I’d be able to refer back to that moment and draw from his empathy and say, “remember how it felt to have happiness sucked out of your time?” I released him to the sweet, sweet, dulcet tones of the Wonder Pets.

Welcome to the thirteenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Book: The Empty Picture Frame
Author: Jenna Nadeau (a blogger!)
Start Date: May 27
Post Date: July 9
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about all upcoming tours and book events.)

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (click on any of the links below to take you to a stop on this book tour. Jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on The Empty Picture Frame).

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (Mel)–my post is below this one.
The Road Less Travelled (Loribeth)
Southern Infertility (Samantha)
All Things Deb (Deb)
The Daily Doings of Mr. Silly and Little Miss Trouble (Erica)
Desperately Seeking Baby (Heather)
Everyday Stranger (Helen)
Miss E’s Musings (Ellen)
Life After Infertility and Loss (JuliaS)
Kir’s Corner (Kir)
Hurry Up n Wait (Anita)
Emily the Hopeless (Emily)
In Ancient Starlight (Carrie)

Even if haven’t read The Empty Picture Frame, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The next book for book tour #14 is a non-IF book that will help you see infertility in an entirely new way (I know, it sounds far-fetched, but I promise you that the lessons learned are applicable to any life crisis) Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m halfway through right now and it is amazing/incredible. After a messy divorce, she leaves New York to travel to three different places, trying to find happiness through three different means. The landscape is gorgeous and you will go on your own personal journey to finding your own peace as you read. A big burden for a little book to fill, but I think it’s up for the challenge.

The Details: Tour #14 will start July 10th. Participants will read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. On or before August 13th, everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you by August 15th. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on August 18 or 19th (we will break up into two or three smaller groups and you can choose which day works best for you when the date gets closer). Each day of the tour, I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #14, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The next few tours are always listed on the new upcoming and past tours list. Happy reading.

I first read Jenna’s book at the beach last summer. I love reading books from people I’ve actually conversed with–either face-to-face or via email. It adds an additional layer of understanding to the words. And I think that’s why I love it when authors read along with a book tour and leave comments and answer our questions. It just makes for a different read. And this book, like Tertia’s, carries with it an emotional component because you’ve followed their story via their blog for months/years before tackling their book.

So, thank you, Jenna, for writing it.

At several points in the book, Jenna describes how she felt that motherhood was a “calling” for her — the conviction that she was “called” to be a mother and that she would achieve that goal someday, somehow. Do you feel the same sense of “calling” in your pursuit of parenthood?

I don’t know if I was called to be a mother because when I hear the term “calling,” I liken it with something that I would be exceptional at doing (or that it needs to be me over another person). I won’t know if I was an exceptional parent for many many more years. But I can say that I felt strongly drawn to the idea of parenthood and I wanted to experience it very badly. I was willing to try multiple paths to get there. I made life choices/career choices based on the idea of motherhood and what type of mother I wanted to be. I’m lucky that this worked out for me because I made a lot of choices that I probably would have regretted since I gambled making them.

I knew I also didn’t have it in me to stop trying, but I also was lucky that I felt a great deal of comfort with a multitude of options.

On page 134, the author talks about the failures bringing repeated pain to their families. In what ways did your treatment affect your extended family?

I think the pressure I felt was entirely mine, but I couldn’t help but think of the joy I felt when I became an aunt. I wanted to give that relationship (aunt, uncle, grandparent, cousin) to the appropriate people. I assumed they wanted it and were looking forward to it. I know they certainly felt joy once the twins were here, but I don’t know how much pressure/pain was actually there in our families and how much was assumed.

Did your clinic have a Baby Day like Jenna described? Even if not, did you ever have a moment like that in the clinic, with newborn babies being brought in, or a woman cycling who brought her child with her? How did you deal with it?

We didn’t have anything like that. Things are super discreet at our clinic; I don’t even remember ever seeing a wall of baby pictures. A few times people brought their kids to the waiting room and it didn’t give me hope nor did it bother me any more than it did when I saw a baby out at a restaurant, store, etc. I liked it when people didn’t bring their children, but I also understood that the need sometimes existed when a child needed to be brought to an appointment.

The NICU had a wall of pictures in the hand-washing station. It depended on what mood I was in as I looked at it.

I think the biggest mistake is for people to believe that another person’s happiness can bring you hope. It may or it may not. I am rational enough to know what worked for one person may not work for another. I am a dreamer enough to hope that the same thing will happen to me.

Interested in joining a book club entirely online? Hop along to the post above to sign up for our next book: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Picture this scene: Melissa–clad in a smart business suit, smarter heels, and the smartest briefcase in the world (made out of pleather because I’m not going to walk around clutching the side of a cow)–clicks through the hallways at Conceive magazine until she reaches Kim Hahn’s office. She knocks on the door and is told to enter.

Melissa sets down her pleather briefcase, whips out a pen and notepad and purrs, “tell me about the birth of Conceive.”

And so it begins.

Or, in reality, I got a chance to work with Kim through MotherTalk where I work part-time and I asked if I could interview her because she’s the founder and CEO of Conceive magazine. I emailed her questions, she emailed back.

But doesn’t the first scenario sound more dazzling? Regardless, here are Kim’s thoughts about writing about infertility.

Melissa: You are the founder and CEO of Conceive magazine. What gave you the idea to start the magazine?

Kim: While my husband and I were trying to start our family, I was frustrated by the lack of positive, consumer-friendly information about fertility. Specifically, I longed for a magazine as beautiful, upbeat, and informative as the many pregnancy and parenting magazines on the market. I saw a hole in the market for women trying to conceive. There are magazines for brides, pregnancy, and parenting, but there was a gap between the bridal and pregnancy magazines.

After four years of fertility treatments, including three in-vitro fertilizations, my husband and I decided that becoming parents was more important than becoming pregnant, and we adopted our daughter. Soon afterwards, I left my banking career to start Conceive Magazine. My vision from the beginning was to start with the magazine and then expand into other areas of media where we could deliver the information. We’ve already made our way into books with The Fertility Journal and Fertility Facts, online radio with Conceive On-Air, and the web with our site. We hope to break into television and products in the future.

Melissa: What was missing during your own fertility journey in terms of information or resources?

Kim: Everything was missing. There was nothing in terms of a resource that gave unbiased, consumer-friendly, reliable, and fun information that I could trust. The Internet can be risky in terms of finding accurate, unbiased, and reliable information, and I wanted something more encouraging and trustworthy.

Melissa: There has been talk around the blogosphere about celebrities who have come forth with their fertility story. Can you tell us one that touched you in the past few years?

Kim: I’m touched by them all. Hearing a celebrity’s story has helped normalize getting pregnant and made the topic more acceptable to talk about. I’ve spoken numerous times with Trista Sutter from The Bachelorette and I am thankful for her honesty and raw emotion about her journey to parenthood. Trista’s story is one many of us can relate to. Another great celebrity story is Marissa Jaret Winokur’s. After being diagnosed with cervical cancer and undergoing a hysterectomy, it’s wonderful to hear she’s building her family thanks to fertility treatments and a surrogate.

Melissa: Can you tell us more about The Fertility Journal you recently put out with Chronicle Books?

Kim: The idea was born from my own journey. I remember being disappointed that there were books to plan your wedding, pregnancy, and even for the first 12 months of your child’s life. But there weren’t any fun, informational books to take you through the journey to parenthood. When I was trying to conceive and then going through fertility treatments, I constantly kept notes and facts on loose pieces of paper. I longed for a journal where I could keep track of all the information I was finding. The Fertility Journal: A Day-by-Day Guide to Getting Pregnant was created to be a woman’s companion and to provide education and information in a more fun format.

Melissa: Who would most benefit from using The Fertility Journal?

Kim: The Fertility Journal is targeted towards women who are beginning their journey. It’s meant to help prepare you for pregnancy at least three to 12 months before conception. It is full of information to help women make sure they are healthy and that their body is in the best shape for pregnancy. The journal walks them step-by-step through the process of trying to conceive and provides them with the education that many of them don’t have relating to reproduction and conception.

Melissa: How did you decide which sections to place in the journal?

Kim: The Fertility Journal was laid out with 12 months of space for a woman who is trying to conceive with her partner. We did this because 12 months is the recommended length of time a woman under 35 years of age should try on her own before seeking medical help. If a woman is over 35, she should seek help after six months; over 40 after three months.

The sections are based upon the most important things a woman needs to think about when trying conceive. This includes getting a preconception check-up, suggestions on taking vitamins, nutrition, sex, and your partner’s past medical history and lifestyle. It is a complete roadmap for a healthy conception.

The second part of the journal is for women going through fertility treatments. There’s space to keep track of medications and doctor’s recommendations. Throughout the journal we’ve also included a looking ahead to pregnancy section with tips for the future.

Melissa: What is the best advice you can pass along to someone still in the trenches—either doing treatments or pursuing adoption?

Kim: 1. Make sure you are empowered through education. 2. Feel comfortable with your specialist and ask lots of questions. 3. Do what is best for you and don’t base it on what anyone else thinks. 4. Remember, once you have your family how you got there doesn’t matter.

I was speaking to someone recently and when the topic of infertility came up, they announced: “I know a person who is infertile (don’t we all?) and she had to go through artificial impregnation.” Artificial insemination, yes, you can place semen in the body through artificial means. You can even remove eggs and fertilize them and transfer them back into the body through artificial means. But since you can’t actually make implantation take place or hCG to rise or pregnancy to occur, what exactly is artificial impregnation?

When you’re carrying a robot?

When you’ve stuffed a few pairs of socks up your hoohaa to fill out your uterus for that almost-believable pregnancy look?

When you get that positive pee stick and then the negative beta…is that artificial impregnation?