Mother’s Day

This year has been a year of lasts. Last first day of school. Last September, October, and November at home. Last high school test. Last class project.

Last Mother’s Day here.

For the next four years, we almost definitely will not be together — this will be either finals week or moving-out-of-the-dorm week. After that, there is a possibility they will both live at home, but I can’t count on that. Instead, I have to understand that this will be the last time we’re all together for this holiday.

I still have a lot of complicated feelings about this day. It’s not a celebration like my birthday. The day makes me feel quiet inside. The word I most associate with it is permission. It always felt like a gatekeeper stood in front of this Hallmark holiday, and I spent year after year waiting to be let in. And then, once there, all you can think about is the time you spent at the gate. The journey to get here. The ache of all of the feelings you always had around the day.

Having the twins with me was part of processing those feelings.

It’s just a day. My feelings today are more knowing that in a few months, they’ll be at school, and I will be here. Missing them.