Posts from — March 2010

Took Chickenpig’s advice and started a new site for these: Mondegreens.  The email address for submissions is on the right sidebar under “about this site.”  Keep them coming and spread word.  Because “oh Sherry, CINNAMON GUM!”

By the way, I am turning some of these into t-shirts for a upcoming giveaway because they made me snort coffee.  Your slogan on the front; your blog url on the back.  More on that soon.

We were watching Paul Williams on the Muppet Show (he wrote “Rainbow Connection,” but he happened to be singing “Sad Song.”  The Wolvog was biting his nails, making the most annoying sound known to mankind to accompany Paul’s voice.  The ChickieNob asked what he was singing about and I told her, “he’s singing about hearing a special song that reminds him of someone he once loved.”

ChickieNob: What happened to her?

Me: Well, it’s really sad actually.  His girlfriend was biting her nails and she got an infection and she had to go to the hospital.  And I don’t think she ever came out.

Both children stared at me with their mouths opened while Paul Williams crooned on in the background to Ralph’s melodious piano.

ChickieNob: I don’t think that’s true.

Me: It probably isn’t.  But I’m trying to scare the crap out of your brother so he’ll stop biting his nails.

Thank you, Paul Williams, for inadvertently getting his fingers out of the Wolvog’s mouth for a few minutes.  If you want to support Paul, his daughter is doing the March of Dimes walk and he provides a link to her fundraising page at the bottom of his website.  She is aiming to raise $250.  If you haven’t given yet, the family of the writer of the “Rainbow Connection” seems like a worthy person to sponsor on the walk.

After all, you are probably smiling right now, thinking about the “Rainbow Connection” and some memory of hearing his songs.

I don’t know Paul Williams personally–I just noticed the March of Dimes link at the bottom of his site.  But damn, I love the quote on his front page: “Care deeply..give freely…think kindly…act gently and be at peace with the world.”

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The Weekly What If: What if you had to pick one song from childhood and listen to it on continual play, 24-hours a day, for a full month in order to win $100,000 (I was going to give you a million, but that really isn’t that incredible a feat.  And $100,000 is still a lot for your trouble).  (1) would you take the challenge knowing that there was no way to stop in the middle–you would have to see it through until its end and (2) which song would you choose to hear on continual play for a full month?

Yes, I’d do it and I would listen to any of the following:

• Deep Blue Sea
• Brown Girl in the Ring (but only Dan Zanes singing it)
• Mingulay Boat Song
• Oh Mary Don’t You Weep
• Rainbow Connection

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I loved the mondegreens so much and have already planned to turn a few into t-shirt slogans, that I created a single post to collect them.  So as you remember them, leave them there and I’ll move them into the body of the post when I get a chance (the first one will always be the most recent one, so you won’t have to scroll to the bottom of the page to find the new ones).

March’s IComLeavWe kicks off soon.  Commenting begins on Sunday, which is also the day that the list closes for March.  Last chance to be added.

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A blogger is coming to visit this weekend.  She hasn’t written about the trip on her blog and I have not mentioned it yet here.  Guess who it is!  There are only 100 million or so blogs out there.  I’ll give you a clue, she isn’t a spammer.  There, that just eliminated about a third of those sites immediately.

Okay, three more clues: (1) she asked me for real half-and-half instead of my fat-free dreck, (2) she is quaking a bit at the fact that she is staying in a house where the inhabitants consume so little alcohol, (3) she will probably kick our asses in Wii Yoga.  Guess who.

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And now, the blogs…

Adventures of a Dam Engineer has a post which is the best venting rant I’ve read in ages.  Yes, it’s personal to her life and her frustrations, but I think it’s cathartic for everyone who reads it.  It will get your own internal yell to the surface.  And I cracked up at the last thought.

Trying Not to Scream has musings on CD9 and why it is her own personal hell.  It contains a familiar feeling: “I’ve spent all day feeling anxious and stressed.  I’ve felt like I have something to say and don’t know what it is.”  It is about leaving all the hope and excitement of the beginning of the cycle behind and entering that zone of anxiety and quietness.

All Aboard the Pity Boat has a post about the tiny hurts of the week, interspersed with not only the hurt of the moment, but the larger hurt that looms behind the moments.  From the rude guys in the elevator to the not-yet-belly-rubbing-belly-rubber (“She sits down the hall from me and is definitely a belly-rubber. Not that I’ve seen her rub her belly yet but you know the type. She CANNOT stop talking about her pregnancy.”), she goes through the people who are like salt against her big, infertile, papercut wound.

Our Incredible Journey has a post on the 10th anniversary of her hysterectomy.  I loved it because while it definitely mourns one path, it celebrates what came next.  It is about the anger after the moment balanced with the healing that is taking place now.  And it’s just a gorgeous post.

Mommy-in-Waiting’s Blog has a post that meanders through sending good thoughts to friends to her own situation.  It contains this interesting idea: “Sometimes I really appreciate how lucky we are to not have to have timed sex, to have no pressure to have to DO IT!  I’m grateful for not wondering constantly if ‘just maybe’ this will be the month.  Lucky not to be spending money on ovulation tests, pregnancy tests only to get negative results.  But I read a blog today where she gave thanks for hope and it made me realize what I guess we are missing… HOPE.”  It’s a balance of finding your own grass pretty green, but still admiring the neighbour’s landscaping.

Lastly, Too Many Fish to Fry has a post about the feelings of infertility returning now that she is trying again.  After her miscarriage, all the feelings she suppressed from her first time doing treatments bubbled up to the surface again; the feelings about having a body that is letting her down.  It is a post that most of us have written in one form or another–that gratitude of finding like-minded people.

The roundup to the Roundup: If you were looking to donate to March of Dimes, the daughter of the man who wrote “Rainbow Connection” is walking.  Answer the Weekly What If.  Mondegreens and IComLeavWe.  Guess who is visiting me.  And lots of great blogs to read.

This all began when my son asked to be renamed Jancefer Birdie (um…his version of “chance for a birdie”) and the mondegreens people offered were too good not to compile in one place for your viewing pleasure. This list is added to constantly, with the newest ones at the top rather than the bottom. Add your mondegreen (in other words, a phrase you misheard) in the comment section and I will move it up to the list as soon as I can.  Keep them coming and check back often to see new ones.

Updated: I have now started a new site to collect all of these over here: Mondegreens (thank you, Chickenpig, for the push!).  Keep them coming.  How to submit is on the right sidebar.

1. I used to think Steve Perry was shouting, “CINNAMON GUM!!!” in “Oh Sherry”. Instead of the actual “Should’ve been gone” (from Wendy).
2. Anyone remember “Le Freak?”  Over and over the song repeats “Le freak, C’est chic!  Freak out!”  I have a friend who used to think it was “Le freak, it’s a sheep! Freak cow!”  In the 80’s song “Fascinated,” part of the lyrics are “I’m fascinated by your love, boy.”    I had an old roommate who thought it was “I’m masturbating with a glove, boy.” (from Janet).
3. Until his late teens/early-20’s my husband used to sing “Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul” (instead of “Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul” by the Doobie Brothers) (from Tigger).
4. My sil’s sister thought it was “too late to call the Nye’s”  instead of “too late to apologize.”  My kids thought Queen has a chicken song:  “We are the chickens, we are the chickens, no time for woosters(sic), ’cause we are the chickens of the world”.  I kid you not.  I know Freddie Mercury is probably rolling over in his grave about now (from JuliaS).
5. The girl who cuts my hair always tells me stories about her son.  He sings the song “Poker Face” as if it were saying “Poke HER Face”.  But that isn’t nice (and he’s a nice little boy), so he instead says “Poke My Face”.  It sounds so unintentionally and innocently dirty, we both crack up laughing (from Fizzlemed).
6. When I was a kid they used to show commercials on tv for the armed forces that said “Army, Navy, Airforce, Marines.”  My brother still makes fun of me for saying “Army, Navy, AIRPORTS, Marines.”  Oh, and in the Dave Matthews Song “Ants Marching” where he sings “playing under the table and dreaming” I always thought it flowed better as “under the table and DRINKING.” (from Denise).
7. Our father, who art in heaven / How do you know my name?
   Bitter chains, round my heart. Yeah! (Billy Jeans not my lover)
   And everyone knows the first line of the chorus for funky town is actually Japanese (ish)…… dah le lah
   “nu jitsit witsu ……………da le lah Funky Town” (from B).
8. From Blinded By The Light (by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band).  “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche bag in the middle of the night” (from B–see Kristin’s too).
9. From ‘Heart, I just died in your arms tonight’ by Whitesnake – the correct lyrics are “I just died in your arms tonight.  It must have been something you said”.  I always thought it was “Must have been something I ate” – which made perfect sense to me.  Also, my brother used to sing ‘I met a vol-au-vent’ for ‘Under the boardwalk’. (from Hope Springs).
10. Mine is from the bit in Tiffany’s “I think we’re alone now” that goes “I think we’re alone now / There doesn’t seem to be anyone around / I think we’re alone now / The beating of our hearts is the only sound.”  For years I thought the last line was “They’re beating up a horse, it’s the only sound” (from Hamstergirl).
11. College- when “Venus” by Bananarama was popular.  Except, I didn’t know the name of the song at first was “Venus” (neither did my roomate), so we sang….  “I’m your penis, I’m your fire, your desire…” (from Shelli).
12. Zoot Suit Riot.  I thought for a long time that they sang “I’m goin’ home through your coal black hair” instead of “Pull a comb through your coal black hair.”  Yep – another twisted one (from Jenni).
13. Mine isn’t a song lyric (or even mine for that matter), but my husband discovered AFTER he graduated from college that the phrase isn’t “all intensive purposes” but “all intents and purposes.” lol  I still make fun of him for that one! (from Krystal).
14. My brother used to go around singing “hot spurs in my material” to the line “our spirits in the material world”  by the Police (from Chickenpig).
15. Mine was the Beatles Paperback Writer:  The beginning I thought it was “Take the Back Right Turn”  I’m so ashamed since this is one of my all time favorite songs.  My friend’s though was great.  His name is Howard and he was raised a Catholic.  So for years he felt great about himself since he had the same first name as Gd.  “Our Father who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name…”  His parents nearly passed out when he told the priest (from Journeywoman).
16. I could’ve sworn Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar We’re Going Down Swinging” said: “c*ck getting p**sy” — instead of “cock it and pull it”.  I was so shocked I asked out loud, and ev.ery.one. laughed! (from Susy).
17. My favorite is actually my husband’s.  In The Who’s song Who Are You? (which is the theme song for CSI, one of our favorite shows) the lyrics go “Whoooo are you Who who who who? Whoooo are you Who who who who?”  He thinks it’s “OOOO aw wooo woo woo woo woo”  No words at all, just sounds, kinda like a train.  We get a laugh out of this dispute every Thursday (from Nicole).
18. The song that irritates my husband the most is U2 “The Sweetest Thing” – I sing it as “The Sweetest ThingS” – Every single time he reminds me that it’s not plural. Of course I continue to sing it that way just to make him laugh (from Searching for Serenity).
19. My mom heard a song by LIT, “Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?  I didn’t mean to call you FAT (supposed to be that)”.  Hey, it totally made sense with the lyrics and she still likes to sing it her way.  I also used to screw up Bad Moon on the Rise.  I thought he was saying “There’s a bathroom on the right.” (from Christa).
20. Years ago Celine Dion’s ‘Immortality” was played ALL the time.  For a VERY long time I thought the words were ‘ The storm will never end, my foetus on the wind’.  It is actually: ‘My storm will never end, My fate is on the wind’ (from Andrea).
21. One of my best friends grew up thinking the lyrics to the song “More Than a Woman” by the Bee Gees was actually “Four Letter Woman,” because she knew that four letter words were something sexy and dirty, and this woman, the Bee Gees magical more than a woman woman, was somehow dirty and sexy too. But now, I cannot hear that song without belting out “Four Letter Woooooman. Four letter Woman to Meeeee. ” (from Angie).
22. In Blind Melon’s song “No Rain”, the actual lyric is “And all I can do is just pour some tea for two.” My interpretation:  “And all I can do is just pull some teeth or two.” (from Meim).
23. When I was in kindergarten, we had a substitute teacher who taught us Japanese. I came home from school proclaiming I knew my “itchy knee socks” when I really meant ” ichi, ni, san”- one, two, three (from Tara).
24. My kids watch “Caillou” on PBS, and I thought that part of the theme song was, “Growing up sometimes sucks, I have had enough.” A little dark for children’s television! I just looked up the lyrics and it’s actually “Growing up is not so tough, except when I’ve had enough.” Oh (from Jjiraffe).
25. Secret Asian Man (for Secret Agent Man).  I think a lot of people have thought that one.  Hang On, Stupid (or sometimes, Hang on, Snoopy) for “Hang on Sloopy” by the McCoys (a terrible 60’s pop song). I could never figure out why this guy was calling a girl he liked stupid (from Lorin).
26. Back in the Dark Ages when I was in the 3rd grade, our Music teacher asked if anyone knew the words to “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”  Immediately my hand shot up and the teacher picked me to write the words on the blackboard.  With great confidence I strode to the front of the class and wrote:  “My knives have seen the glory…”  Oooops.  I still remember the teacher trying to hide her amusement as she corrected it to read: “Mine eyes have seen the glory…” (from Suzanna Catherine).
27. One of my most embarrassing mondegreens was in high school when I thought Salt N Pepa’s “None of Your Business,” where I heard “the difference between a hooker and a ho’ ain’t nothing but her feet.”
    I figured hookers walk the streets in really high heels, so they must have ganked up feet. Of course, they were really saying “the difference between a hooker and a ho’ ain’t nothing but a FEE.” (from Krista).
28. From a Manic Street Preachers song. The original says “A bronze moth dies easily.” The singer really sounds like he says, “I bronze my thighs easily.” (from Rebecca).
29. “I wanna rock and roll all night / And part of every day.” Because even rock n rollers need their sleep… And how could I forget Bruce Springsteen’s “Ten Devils in a Freezer.” (known to most of the rest of the world as “Tenth Avenue Freeze-out”) (from Niobe).
30. “Give to me your letter, take from me my name” Stevie Nicks (real words: “give to me your leather, take from me my lace”). I was sure that they were getting married and she was saying that she was taking his name (“your letter” meaning his monogram, I guess) and giving up hers. Since I didn’t want to change my name when I got married, I thought it was a very submissive way to say it. TAKE my name from me? Sheesh! (from Rebecca).
31. My favorite misheard lyric, though, is from a Rob Thomas song (Lonely No More, I think). He says “Open up to me like you do your girlfriends.” I always hear “Open up to me, so I can do your girlfriends.” I think I’m just the suspicious sort (from A).
32. The song is “The Love You Save” by the Jackson 5: I got my butt way before my crotchee. The real words: Look both ways before you cross me… (from Royalyne).
33. “Hold me closer Tony Danza.” — Elton John (from Katie).
34. 80’s Quarterflash song: “I’m gonna harden my heart..I’m gonna swallow my tears” I always sang “I’m gonna swallow my tea herbs..” who the Hell knows why? Did I think Tea was going to help her get over what’s his name? (from Kir).
35. From Blinded By The Light (by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band). I know the lyrics are “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night,” but I hear “Blinded by the light, revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.” (from Kristin).
36. Mine’s not a lyric, but my stepdaughter came into my life as a teenager, and suddenly I was attending a bunch of softball games, a new experience for me. When her team played against a team with a very vocal coach, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he wanted each girl on his team who came to bat to “Get your cell phone!” (“Get yourself on [base]”). Oh, and there’s my stepson, famous both for, “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls!” (“Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls) (from Alexicographer).
37. My mondegreens weren’t as funny as my little sister’s, who used to think that “We Built this City on Rock and Roll” was actually “A Milk is Sitting on Rock and Roll.” (from Serenity).
38. I thought the song “Bedrock” said “Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make you better.” Y’know. Like the vitamins? Then one day, I shut my trap and didn’t sing along – and realized it’s “I can make your bed rock.” (from Allison).
39. Beatles – Michelle. “Some day Mokie won’t play piano song, play piano song.” I had NO clue they were speaking French… DH has a cute one – he thought Hank Williams was singing “Willie the Honky Tonk Moose” haha (from Sarah).
40. My cousin called me one day a few years back to ask me the lyrics to “Buttons” by the PCD…he thought the words were “Lotion up my butt and spank” and in reality they are “Loosen up my buttons, babe.” (from Caitlin).
41. When I was a kid learning to sing the ABC song, I thought for a long time that L M N O was “Ella Menno.” Funny story along those lines – when I was an adult visiting South Africa, I called somewhere for directions and was told to take a highway the name of which I couldn’t decipher although it sounded like “Enema.” I asked “How do you spell that?” and got a long silence in response. When I looked at a map I realized that it was the “NMR” highway (from Elizabeth).
42. I originally thought Boot Scooting Boogie was BooB Scooting Boogie. Yeah. Hey, I’m short, and many restaurant booth tables are tall with low seats so I end up being able to rest my boobs on the table. Made sense to me… (from Blanche).
43. Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my teeth before you leave me… I think I was maybe in college when someone told me it was “cheek.” Well heck, maybe Juice Newton could have enunciated better, no? But my baby brother’s mondegreen is way better. I remember him running around the house as a kid singing: “I’m a cheerio….I’m a cheerio…” And being like, dude. What the hell are you saying? And him looking at me like I was an idiot and saying, “uh, that song from Madonna, stupid. That one that’s always on the radio.” (from M).
44. “Ooo eee ooo I look just like Buddy Holly / Oh Oh and you’re Mary Tyler Moore / I don’t care what they say about us anyway / I don’t care ’bout that.” My sister used to swear that the third line was “I don’t care what they say about seaweed.” No reason (from PiquantMolly).
45. “Don’t cry for me Aunty Tina” known to most as “Don’t cry for me Argentina” (from MommyinWaiting).
46. AC/DC song lyrics are “it’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll” often sung ” it’s a long way to the shop if you wanna sausage roll” (from Vee).
47. I used to sing, “You might as well face it you’re a dick to love” and even once I stood corrected I still think my lyric is better (from Calliope).
48. I used to think in My Country Tis of Thee that the line was ‘of the icing’ (from Rachel).
49. The only think I can think of is some country song I heard growing up – I swore it said “I spill tea all over your B-O-D,” which being interpreted is, “I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E”… (from NotTheMama).
50. Instead of “Afroman likes tall cans / Afroman likes tall cans”, I always heard “Afroman likes small cans / Afroman likes taaaalking”. I assumed Afroman was trying to showcase his good qualities in a song otherwise about his rampant alcoholism in a desperate bid to find a nice partner (from Manapan).
51. From my sister–for the song “(You Make Me Feel Like A ) Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin. She thought the lyrics were “You make me feel like a man but you are a woman” (from Michelle).
52. “Donuts make my brown eyes blue.” (from Aunt Misfit).
53. Jimmy Hendrix with “’scuse me while I kiss this guy” (not the sky). Well, the guy made more sense to me than the sky. Hubs still says “f**k them and you’re low” (that would be Prodigy with F’em and their law) (from Mina).
54. Oh dear. Back in the early nineties, when I was a wee adolescent, my close friend loved the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Particularly the song “Give It Away.” She always turned it up to eleven when this song came on the radio. One day we were shouting along to the lyrics and when I got to this line “I can’t tell if I’m a kisser or a popper,” she stared at me like I had 40 eyeballs. Of course due to the fact that the line is actually “I can’t tell if I’m a kingpin or a pauper.” She then made me explain just what I thought my version of the line meant and I mumbled some hideously self-conscious prattle about how I thought he was not sure if he wanted to just kiss someone or have sex with them. Because apparently my simple 16-year-old self believed that a “popper” was a hip slang term for a person having sex. Virgin alert! Nerd alert! Virgin nerd alert! (from Stephanie).

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

While I was rearranging things in the living room, I found our old mancala board.  Josh refuses to play with me anymore because he never wins.  And I’m not just saying this to make him feel better–he truly isn’t that bad a player.  It’s just that I am fucking awesome.

I am to mancala what Bobby Fischer was to chess.  I literally could make you sick with my mad mancala skillz.  People start weeping when I play.  Weeping with the enormity of watching the brilliance unfold.

I taught the twins how to play, just so I could have someone to play against.  The ChickieNob tires quickly of the game and needs to get up and dance in between each move.  But the Wolvog (pardon, Jancefer Birdie) has got the ‘cala (which is what we call that frenzy that overtakes the body when it gets too close to those beautiful flat marbles).

On his second day of playing mancala, he beat me.  Yes, I was paying attention.  Yes, I was trying hard.  No, I didn’t throw the game.  He really beat my ass across the mancala board and back.  I photographed him dancing around the hallway by the mancala board and emailed it to Josh.  It only took 36 hours for the student to become the master.

If you want to play mancala online, I’ve found a decent site.  Though I kick the computer’s ass almost every time, even on the advance level.  Because I’m just that good.  The proof is in the picture.

What are you showing today?

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The Wolvog woke up Monday morning and informed us that his new name was a garbled mess that closely resembled Lucifer Dirty.  This is not the remarkable part because he often changes his name.  Last month, he asked us to call him by a single moniker: Shimps.

We tried to understand the new name and repeated what we heard several times, each time sending the Wolvog into a new fit when we didn’t pronounce it correctly (Lucifer Ditty?  Joosifer Dirty?  Chance Barbie?).  The boy was sobbing into his pillow over the idea that his parents couldn’t say his new name, the only name he would now have for the rest of his life until he changed it again next month.

When I picked him up from school, he told me in a voice reeking of incredulity that no one called him by his new name at school.  “Did you tell them your new name?” I asked.  No, he hadn’t.  But it was just that powerful a name that he assumed that somehow, it would enter their minds via telepathy.

I finally asked him to spell it and with a few stops and starts, he finally settled on this:

Jancefer Birdie

“Google it,” he told me.  So I did, and Google told me that not only was the full name not found on any page, but Jancefer alone was not found either.  He smiled this secret, pleased smile, the sort of smile an evil dictator does when they’ve seen a particularly appealing beheading.

Later in the evening, I finally found the source of his new name, a Google app for the iPhone called Let’s Golf where the game shouts out in the promo: “chance for a birdie!”  Which reminded me of a friend who had a younger brother who named his goldfish Kimber because that’s what he thought people called out when they chopped down a tree.

But why explain that and spoil it?

I am thrilled that my son, Jancefer, has picked up my inability to hear things correctly (I am the Queen of the Wrong Lyric).

In addition to catching us up on your life, tell us your best mondegreen.

And happy almost St. Patrick’s Day (unless you’re reading this on Wednesday and in that case, happy St. Patrick’s Day)!

As always, it has been about a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

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So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.