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Aunt Jane and Her Terrible Advice

Three years ago today, Bea challenged me to make a film and I did.  It’s still going strong with over 20,000 views.  That’s a lot of assvice.

I didn’t know it was the third anniversary of the film until I got a note from YouTube about it.  Since making it, I have learned a lot more about film-making via Microsoft Paint including how to make the pictures less blurry.  I have toyed with the idea of redrawing the film with crisper pictures and adding an additional verse.  But what advice did Aunt Jane miss?  Feel free to leave your best assvice below and I will try to compile it into an anniversary verse if I can get Josh to lay it all out for me again (pretty please, Josh?).


1 Krystal { 03.23.10 at 12:23 pm }

That’s awesome, Mel! I had never watched it, but I love it! lol Is that you singing? If so, you sound great!

2 Bionic Baby Mama { 03.23.10 at 12:23 pm }

It’s been a bit since I’ve watched her (though watched her and laughed I have), but I think she missed the classic advice to lesbians TTC:

You just need to have real sex (that is, with a man).

(Curiously, this is remarkably similar to the cure for lesbianism: All you need is a good dicking. How odd that we so rarely feel compelled to accept the offer when presented in those terms….)

3 Heather { 03.23.10 at 12:26 pm }

The tears are rolling down my face! I hadn’t seen this before. OH DEAR SWEET JEEBS! This is the best thing ever!

My Aunt Jane (we call her Auntie Em) told me that I shouldn’t want any more kids because…well, it would be wrong to want more. I mean, seriously, who would want more when you have a special needs child? You have enough to do with the meds, and feedings, and (oh, yeah, don’t mention the fact that we never got to ENJOY his baby/toddlerhood…it’s OK, I’m not bitter).

I cannot wait to see what others say…this is awesome. Made my day.

4 Flying Monkeys { 03.23.10 at 12:32 pm }

Sweet baby Jesus! That was fantastic! How have I not seen this before?

5 Shelli { 03.23.10 at 12:39 pm }

This was one of the first things I stumbled on that led me to your blog years ago. That was, when I still had hope that my Aunt Jane was right. Right now I think she’s really having to reconsider that her comments may be full of crap after all.

I still love this video.

6 Chickenpig { 03.23.10 at 12:44 pm }

You left out all the things you should be eating, like wheat grass and pineapple? I hear that if you drink too much caffeine it’s hard to get pregnant. Maybe if you just cut down on your coffee intake?
Don’t forget the power of prayer. A friend of my best friend’s hair dresser had her church pray for her, and she was pregnant in two weeks!

7 Chickenpig { 03.23.10 at 12:45 pm }

PS This video is still awesome 🙂

8 PaleMother { 03.23.10 at 12:46 pm }

My favorite backhanded-assvice, cleverly disguised as an insult, was:

Why are you so ~desssperate~ to have another baby?

This after sharing for the first time with a BFF that we were undergoing some limited treatment for secondary IF. I wasn’t complaining or self-pitying or be-laboring, I was matter-of-fact. It was an honest answer to the question “What’s new?”

Apparently IF should only be cured by alternative treatments, counseling/therapy, and a healthy, positive attitude/spiritual outlook/good karma … and anyone who would subject themselves to western medicine for treatment of a medical issue … is just “desperate.” How sad.

Desperate? I’d never thought anything through so carefully … or experienced anything so complex, so demanding of my rational side … than balancing the ins-and-outs (moral, financial, emotional) of ‘secondary’ IF. But yeah. BFF had me pegged: The problem wasn’t my subfertility. It was the fact that we wanted to continue building our family, if possible (life was good and parenthood agreed with us). And we tried to increase our odds of sucess with the available science covered by our insurance.

9 a { 03.23.10 at 12:56 pm }

I don’t know, did I miss the part where Aunt Jane told you that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be?

10 Tigger { 03.23.10 at 1:20 pm }

I think my favorite was when my FIL decided that all DH had to do was “flip me over”. Or…how about “doing it in a car like teenagers do? It works for them…”

11 Terry Elisabeth { 03.23.10 at 1:29 pm }

Wow, I love the comments ! LOL
How about folic acid ? A friend told me her SIL told her that she was taking folic acid to get her pregnant (and not because it prevents neural tube defect). Don’t forget the lunar cycle, bathing in holy water, and adoption. I f you adopt, you are supposed to get magically pregnant.

12 Hope in Briarrose { 03.23.10 at 1:46 pm }

Love this video! It made my baby dance in the womb. He knows Aunt Jane is full of crap too.

13 susy { 03.23.10 at 2:16 pm }

Wow!!! That has to be the BEST vid EVAH! 😀 I had seen it on your site and but hadn’t clicked on it, and I’m thinking I should’ve seen this sooner! Hmm.. as for assvice, yes, I got a lot of “stop OBSESSING about it” and “drink this elixer, and it’ll warm up your uterus” and “have your husband hold you by the ankles upside down after DTD and have him shake your legs so the sperm gets wiggled down into the uterus.” (and we tried it! 😛 ) and “go on vacation!” and “why don’t you have some drinks and then have sex!”. Yea.. can you tell, I’m still not over all these bright ideas?!

14 Mrs. Hope { 03.23.10 at 2:40 pm }

Have you tried having more sex??

What about just putting the sperm higher up in there??

15 Melody { 03.23.10 at 3:02 pm }

Don’t forget eating an egg mcmuffin after sex or inseminations. Coffee after sex– makes the sperm hyper, and they swim faster. Mother’s Milk tea.

And never forget to have an orgasm.

And for all the lesbians out there (I’m one)– maybe if you just had sex with a man (you just have to do it once! That’s all!), you’d get pregnant. The real thing has to be better than the frosty kind.

16 Pie { 03.23.10 at 3:08 pm }

Mel, is that you singing? If so, you have a lovely voice!

I’ve heard (from a medical doctor, mind you) that if you are patient, it will happen. Never mind that there is something wrong with my uterus, I just need to be more patient. That’s the ticket!

17 Kacy { 03.23.10 at 3:16 pm }

Great video Mel. How about this one: Why don’t you just do IVF all they have to do is go in there and get the eggs.

18 Sarang { 03.23.10 at 3:51 pm }

I just got the best assvice ever from my SIL (after failed IVF #2)…

An article from “MOTHERING” magazine stating:
“Infertile? Womb Massage May Help You Conceive”.

Something about Mayan womb massages. I’m not sure. I didn’t read it. I just ripped it up into a million pieces.

19 edenland { 03.23.10 at 3:54 pm }

MEL. I just watched this video (again) two days ago, randomly. And here it is, in your post.

It’s like, we’re totally connected DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I love it, as I love you. XOXOX

20 Rebecca { 03.23.10 at 4:06 pm }

Always loved that video. I watch it every so often when I’m feeling like strangling someone!! 🙂 It’s a much better idea…

21 Mina { 03.23.10 at 4:33 pm }

I see Chickenpig got to my piece of assvice first.

That would be ‘stop thinking about it, I made a donation to the church and I prayed to a miracle-making icon, so everything is set’ (the orthodox love miracle-making icons, 1 in 3 churches has one).
This is what my MIL told me.
This is why I lost a pregnancy last year, because, silly me, I chose not to tell her right away and God obviously had no idea my baby needed help, because MIL had not told Him.
This is how I got pregnant (she made a donation in Nov).
This is how my SCH went away (another donation).
This is how my gestational diabetes is going to be cured (donation on the way, she had no time to get to the church yet, this is why I still have to deal with it, but rest assured, it’s all taken care of).
She also suggested I should start praying and going to the church because obviously God is displeased with my lack of pro-active attitude.
Worth mentioning is that she drinks (more than she should), smokes, cheated on her husband (last time two years ago) and never goes to church on Sunday. But hey, God knows better than this and appreciates her most, because she is special and is able to send His message even to the dumbest of creatures (me).
Can you see that there is no love lost between the two of us? 😉

And please, do not get me wrong, I do not ignore God in my life, but I think that the doctors and diet and controlling blood sugar is going to take care of diabetes, not God Himself (to mention only the last of the issues).

Aaanywhoo, stop worying, y’all, orright? Pray hard and that is all it takes.

22 Lyn C { 03.23.10 at 4:38 pm }

I didn’t see this when you first posted it. Love it! Thanks for re-posting. Like the video, I have heard from people who just know in their heart with psychic assurance that things would work out. And, like commenter a, I have heard maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Related to that, I have also heard that we shouldn’t want children (because it’s selfish) when clearly nature has other ideas. The ones who weren’t even trying to be tactful told me that if there are any complications with a pregnancy or our potential children’s health, it’s our fault for snubbing nature.

23 jill { 03.23.10 at 4:52 pm }

Had never seen this before. LOVE. IT. 🙂

24 Lavender Luz { 03.23.10 at 4:56 pm }

I am at the gate crying and missing.

I love your singing voice, and its sadness matches my own now.


25 Alison { 03.23.10 at 4:59 pm }

OMG, that’s an awesome video!!

One time I had a co-worker who happened to see me teary-eyed and leaving work the previous day come into my office and ask “So, what’s the big deal? Is this all about your infertility?” Seriously!!! I think I was just in shock after that… who says shit like that!!??

26 Meredith { 03.23.10 at 5:11 pm }

Love this video! I’d seen it before, but it was worth another viewing. I would LOVE it if you did another!

After two years struggling with IF, I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with a fabulous little IVF girl. Yesterday I was told that getting pregnant again will be easy because now my body knows what to do! What a relief (especially since we have MFI!)

27 Krista { 03.23.10 at 5:14 pm }

This is hilarious! I think you covered all the most common pieces of assvice. But, I will add the best assvice I ever received. I was having a vaginal ultrasound at our base clinic (hubby is US Air Force) and the technician doing the ultrasound was asking a lot of questions. When he realized we have male factor infertility, he advised me to get drunk one Friday or Saturday night and go down to the bar in town where all the airmen hang out. He was certain that I’d be pregnant in no time. I’m still not sure if he was making me an offer or what. lol

28 Heather { 03.23.10 at 5:58 pm }

I came back because I had to show Sebastian the video. He laughed almost as hard as me. Then, we read the comments. Chickenpig wins our hearts with the “healed by the power of the prayer” bit. I have indeed heard that one.

Sebi also reminded me that my grandmother told me to eat green olives—because they would make me fertile. I’m on my 11,000th can, but nothing’s happening!

29 Wishing4One { 03.23.10 at 5:58 pm }

Even better than the dozen other times I watched it! I am looking forward to an anniversary verse, there are some really good ideas above. My ideas are gone, its 12:01AM here in Cairo and I am off to bed. Can I ask how do you create such lines in paint, my trials look like a 2 year old drew them!

30 Gerardine Baugh { 03.23.10 at 6:20 pm }

I never saw this video, this is hilarious!

31 TeamWinks { 03.23.10 at 6:32 pm }

Get drunk, eat more tomatoes, relax, quit thinking about it, pray, prop your hips up, no hot baths, try using egg whites, more ice cream!, acupuncture, and on and on and on.

32 My Reality { 03.23.10 at 6:37 pm }

I hadn’t watched this since you originally posted it, but I was still able to hum the tune and it has popped into my head a time or two over the years.

33 Tireegal { 03.23.10 at 6:40 pm }

How about the one – not so much advice as rhetorical question – about why would you want to work so hard and spend all that money on science when there are hundreds of thousands of kids here and internationally who don’t have a home, are disabled or have special needs? Don’t you think that’s selfish?
Great song -next stop infertility on Broadway.

34 Tio { 03.23.10 at 7:11 pm }

Oh my goodness, I love this. All our fertile friends should be made to watch it.

35 loribeth { 03.23.10 at 7:58 pm }

I’d never watched the video before either. I’m half laughing & half crying. I don’t get a lot of assvice these days (I think most people have finally realized it’s not going to happen), but even just two years ago, stepBIL was here working on our bathroom renovation. I said dh was going to drive me to my yoga class, & he told me his wife said that yoga is why she finally got pregnant (at 40) after they had been trying for a couple of years. And he gave me this “significant” look. I know he meant well, but… I’m not sure he realized that I was 47 at the time (& there’s a big difference between 40 & 47 in reproductive terms, even at the best of times…).

36 Mrs. Sugarbear { 03.23.10 at 8:59 pm }

Even with knowing about failed Clomid cycles, failed IUI’s, 4 years of fruitless trying… a well-meaning family member suggested that I try Mucinex…

37 jesspond { 03.23.10 at 9:37 pm }

I love these videos, Mel. Love them.

38 Nearlydawn { 03.23.10 at 10:27 pm }

I remember watching this waaaaay back when it was new! I was right in the middle of the supreme-assvice period, when we were just starting to look into ART. Yikes, those were the days.

Now I just respond to Aunt Jane’s assvice with serious medical facts and figures and explainations of how it REALLY works. Aunt Jane now shuts the F up.

I don’t like my role as an infertility patient, but I think I’ve managed to make a good go at correcting the Aunt Janes. 🙂

My best piece of assvice:
Wow, that was probably at the US where our daughter was confirmed deceased at 14wks gestation. The US tech literally said “You are still young! It will happen.” Like it hadn’t just happend and ended tragically on her very own US monitor. I believe I screamed at her a bit after that – the whole thing is a little fuzzy.

39 Wingnut { 03.23.10 at 10:29 pm }

My personal favorite: just hold my baby and that’ll get your hormones flowing. You’ll be ovulating in no time.

Um, right. And this was from a trained natural childbirth instructor. I would’ve thought she had a little better understanding of how reproduction works!

40 Frau { 03.23.10 at 10:38 pm }

What about all the cures that say that they “have a better chance than IVF” AND all for only $500 per month. Uh yeah, it ups your odds of success when you pedal to panicking 27-year-olds who have been trying for two months.

Or the “eggs meet sperm” plan. Suggested by all those Aunt Janes that assume we have both.

Or that adopting from foster care is free. I’m going to kneecap the next person who says that.

41 Frau { 03.23.10 at 10:39 pm }

Oh and I forgot to say that I first saw this video at a RESOLVE conference. The key note speaker showed it to us. So that was only one hit but a couple of hundred views.

42 Sharon { 03.24.10 at 1:36 am }

I love it!!!

43 luna { 03.24.10 at 2:08 am }

I remember watching this for the first time and I fell in love with you then. love them all!

so what do I have to do to get my very own image in paint? hmmm… (I make a really mean lemon bar!)

yeah, we’re still getting the assvice and opinions, mostly in the form of “now that you’ve adopted you will get pregnant!” oh right, because I didn’t have some serious medical issues causing severe infertility for 7 years, right? but apparently EVERYone knows someone who knows someone…

44 S.I.F. { 03.24.10 at 3:27 am }

Seriously the best thing I have seen in so so so long! I’m just amazed right now!

45 mash { 03.24.10 at 4:45 am }


How about adding supplements to the assvice? Like a truckload of vitamins etc. I can’t have a conversation with someone, without having a supplement recommended – let me know if you need a huge list of them… I’ll look into my box of them at home.

Off the top of my head – Kelp, Maca, Royal Jelly, Evening Primrose Oil, Zinc, 5 different mineral salts (homeopathic). Those are mine, DH has his own box.

Then there are the crystals under the bed and pearl earrings. I could go on!

46 Vee { 03.24.10 at 6:45 am }

Still love this!

47 Hamstergirl { 03.24.10 at 6:50 am }

My “favourite” is the praying one. In the run up to my first (and so far only) IVF, my folks kept on about the positive energy of prayer and they had friends with real experience of this. Then when I got a chemical pg, they started going on about how if I prayed I would feel better and, when I burst into tears, told God couldn’t make things happen for people just through praying. They know how uncomfortable the whole telling me to pray business makes me, and I wish they’d shut it.

Oh, and my mother’s “You shouldn’t count yourself as pregnant until you get past the 12th week”. So what am I, then? Miscarriage In Waiting?

Love the video, though!

48 Jules { 03.24.10 at 7:07 am }

Wow is it really 3yrs since the first ever Infertility Film Festival?

Those were the good old days.

49 Bea { 03.24.10 at 7:58 am }

Has it really been 3yrs? I’m so glad that video – and all the others – were made. Rock on!


50 Katie { 03.24.10 at 8:51 am }

I. love. that. video. OMG.

Best assvice? “Take a vacation!”

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