Posts from — October 2009

Postpartum depression is as much a taboo topic amongst women as infertility or loss.  But if you’re brave enough to admit it, others usually crawl out of the woodwork with a me-too.  And it’s strange that we make someone step forward first in all three cases before opening up with our own story.

Because wouldn’t it be better to educate each other on postpartum or post-adoption depression than force some people to feel their way through it alone?  We aren’t shy about trading tips about the best diapers, ways to potty train, or how to breastfeed.  But turn it towards the darker topics–the ones we hope never happen to us, in other words–and everyone goes quiet, even though they wish others would speak up about it too.

By which I mean we’re all guilty.

Heather Armstrong was brave enough to come forward on her blog, Dooce, as well as her book, It Sucked, and Then I Cried, and write about postpartum depression.  And while I would have loved to hear more of the lead-up and minutiae, I think the end result is that this book could serve as a great spring board for others stepping forward, telling their stories, and forming community.

Heather obviously has a very distinctive writing style that comes across in both her blog and her book. What do you think has made Heather such a famous blogger? Her writing style, honesty, or something else? Do you write with the same passion and honesty that Heather does?

Heather spoke at BlogHer 1 1/2 years ago and while I forget the percentage, she admitted that readers are getting a very small view of her life.  And while this is true of all blogs (we usually boil it down to the most noteworthy moments in a day), I think some people have more of a wall than others when it comes to relaying their thoughts.  I think I am fairly honest and open, but my story ends where anyone else’s begins unless I’ve gotten their permission to tell the story.  There are times when I change details in the story to disguise the situation and write about it–set a conversation at a dinner party rather than over the phone–but for the most part, I draw my line pretty firmly around where my arm-span ends.  And that means that I can’t be entirely open.  There have been times when I have wanted to write something because I need the support, but in the end, it is someone else’s story to tell and not my own.  This is especially true with the twins.  I’ll only write things about them that will not be potentially upsetting or humiliating later on (save for the pantyliner commentary), which means that I’ve had to hold my tongue during times when there has been so much to say.

I think Heather’s success is a combination of openness, talent, and timing.

The author talks about how she imagined her future children before becoming pregnant:

When you’re childless and young and hopeful, you have this idea of what your children are going to be like, and you make mental notes when you see other kids in public. You say to yourself, “My kid will be cute like that,” or “My kid won’t ever throw a tantrum in public like that little demon.” I had always envisioned a sweet little princess who looked just like me sitting quietly in a high chair, her pressed velvet petticoat creased perfectly as she sat and waited to be handed things in a timely manner. And then you grow up and have kids and realize that YOU HAVE NO SAY…

Before starting to try to conceive, how did you imagine your future children? If you now have children, how did your expectations fit reality?

It’s funny, but before we had kids, I imagined more what I’d be like as a mother than what they’d be like as kids (is this a sign that I am incredibly narcissistic or self-actualized?).  I don’t think I truly had a clue how parenting would actually be and I still don’t think I understand anything beyond parenting these kids and up until the age of five.  I have no clue how life will go at 8 or 12 or 18.  Or what parenting would be like with other children.

But all in all, I find temporary states such as tantrums less telling of parenting, but I love examining how the parents and children interact.

If you had postpartum depression to the degree Heather describes, would you have the courage to check yourself into a psychiatric ward? (It’s hard to say when it’s not actually happening in your own life, but I’d be curious to know if there are some people who are completely against it, some who would do it if they felt there was no other way, etc.)

I hope I would do whatever I needed to do to be healthy.  I think too many times, we’re comfortable with treating the body, but we stop short at treating the mind.  I would treat the mind if it needed to be treated.

Interested in the idea of an online book club?  Join along for the next selection by clicking here and spend more time reading other thoughts on Heather Armstrong’s book by clicking here.

Here is the master list for the 22nd tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. What is the Barren Bitches Book Brigade? It’s a book club from the comfort of your own living room. The book club is conducted entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way. We read both fiction and non-fiction.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: The Phantom Tollbooth (yes, the old middle grade classic)
Author: Norton Juster
Start Date: October 12
Question Due: December 2nd
Question List Sent Out: December 4th
Post Date: December 7th

(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)
Something New: the participants on this tour will choose the next book.

About The Phantom Tollbooth: As we did for Harriet the Spy, we’ll be reading this middle grade fiction book through the eyes of an adult and applying Milo’s journey to our own lives.  Long before there was Harry Potter, there was Milo, the boy who saved Rhyme and Reason.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. On December 7th, you’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on The Phantom Tollbooth. I will keep adding to this list until 11 p.m. on December 2nd. The list is currently open)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
The Road Less Travelled
Expecting to Expect
After Iris
Roadblocks and Roller Coasters
The Dragondreamer’s Lair
Into the Light Again
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
Desperately Seeking Baby
Life, Family and the Pursuit of Sanity
Wistfulgirl’s World

Not on the list and want to join? Drop me an email at thetowncriers@gmail.com. You can add yourself up until 11 p.m. on December 2nd.

How the book tour works:

(1) leave a comment or send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) saying that you’re interested in participating. I need your blog name, blog url, and email address.

(2) read The Phantom Tollbooth by December 2nd (or at least enough of it in order to ask a question to the group).

(3) create a single question that would kick off a discussion (in other words, any question that leads to more than a “yes” or “no” answer where someone can express their opinion) and mail it to me on December 2nd (or any time beforehand). I will send you a reminder email close to the date. Click here to see sample questions from tour #4.

(4) on December 4th, I will send you a list of possible questions. Everyone will choose 3 questions off the list and answer them in a blog entry.

(5) on December 7th, people will begin to post their entry. I will post a linked list of all the people putting up their entry that day so people can go around and read the entries and comment (start a discussion back and forth in the comments section). Reading the entries and commenting on the posts is the best part of the tour–by the end of the week, you should have a comment from every participant (and maybe even a few new permanent blog readers).

I love to annoy the kids, but sometimes my voice goes if I’m keeping up something for a long time.  But this week, I discovered the voice recording feature on the blackberry and used it to record myself annoying them at the park so I could keep replaying it for an additional 45 minutes and save my voice.  Brilliant use of technology.

[audio:https://www.stirrup-queens.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Annoying-Other-People.mp3]

(warning, children’s voices heard)

This soon became our favourite question of the week:

[audio:https://www.stirrup-queens.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Annoying-the-Twins-edited.mp3]

Well, which one are you?

*******

I really hope I didn’t embarrass myself with that.  Please tell me that I’m not the only person who does that voice.

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The Weekly What If: What if you could have an accent from anywhere in the world, but you could still live exactly where you live (and this fact–that you have a South African accent, let’s say, but live in Kansas–wouldn’t be weird).  Which accent would you choose–your own or another one?

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I am doing a bunch of readings for the book in October and November and I’d love to meet as many people as possible.  This month, I’m reading at the DCJCC (Washington, DC) on October 18th (and they’re offering half-price tickets to blog readers who use this link to get tickets) and in Marlton, PA (er…that would be Marlton, NJ…thank you, Tash) on October 23rd and in Detroit, MI on November 15th.

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And now, the blogs…

IF Crossroads has a post about an emotional reaction to watching a television show.  A long time ago, IFCrossroads was a military spouse, living on base without children, a decision she didn’t regret both due to her love of independence and her age.  Her husband has since left the military, but she thinks about that time in her life when she watches the show Army Wives, which currently has a pregnancy storyline.  She asks: “Do you ever have those days when you’ve completely lost all hope? Do you ever just look in the mirror and say ‘this is never going to happen’ and completely believe that 100%?”  It’s a moving post.

Dead Baby Jokes has a post about remembering her twins.  There is a line that is so perfect, it made my heart stop for a moment: “the past is another country, but the future is too.”  It is simply gorgeous writing; emotional words.

Who Shot My Stork? has a post apologizing for not writing.  It’s a post that travels all over the place from what she has done since the last time she wrote to a play she bought at the Drama Book Shop in New York.  I loved reading her reaction to the two characters in the play, how the show was like reading “a blog in play form.”  I don’t know why, but I kept thinking about this post after I had clicked away.

Lastly, Exile in Kidville has a post listing out the multitude of sides internally fighting for her emotional attention.  She writes: “stupid/hopeful me can’t help but notice that i have also been very burpy and refluxy.  again — not common.  though i was all the time when i was…well, you know.  cynical/logical me points again at coincidence and that bit about 8/9 DPO.”  Your stupid/hopeful/cynical/logical self will recognize the well-worn loop.

The roundup to the Roundup: Fun with audio files.  Answering the Weekly What If.  Readings in DC, PA, and MI.  And lots of great blogs to read.

Though it may pain my parents who spent all that money on piano and guitar lessons, ever since I used the music store as our regrouping point during our visit to Galway and felt obliged to purchase something for all the trouble we made in said store, the penny whistle has been my instrument of choice.

[audio:https://www.stirrup-queens.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Penny-Whistle.mp3]

What do you do to get out of a bad mood?

I annoy people with my penny whistle.

Sorry, Josh.

No, really, what do you do to get yourself out of a bad mood?  Don’t just crap on my whistle playing.  I know y’all secretly love it.