Posts from — April 2009

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Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: May 2009. I will move the information from the form into the post (usually within 24 hours).
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (infertility, twins, books)
2. Geek By Marriage (ectopic, parenting, craziness)
3. Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random (grief, acceptance, family)
4. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (ttc after losses, cooking, books)
5. Production, Not Reproduction (open domestic adoption)
6. Baby Smiling In Back Seat (infertility, twin pregnancy, pottery)
7. Happy-go-Lucky (donor eggs, GLBT issues, adoption)
8. Woman Anyone? (primary subfertility, unexplained infertility, rants)
9. The Pitter-Patter (ttc, infertility, marrakesh)
10. My Pathway to Motherhood (TTC, SMC, life)
11. I’m a Smart One (surrogacy, infertility, parenting after infertility)
12. Staying Above the Water (1st time parenting, life in general, rants)
13. A Fifth Season (grief, family, life study)
14. Sticky Feet (twin pg, parenting, giveaways)
15. Baby Manatee (IUI, life, fun)
16. Busted Tube: Adventures in Infertility (infertility, loss, future)
17. Sell Crazy Someplace Else (dIUI, marriage, weight loss)
18. The Johnson’s Have Angel Wings (balanced translocation, loss, feelings)
19. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
20. Infertility is a Bitch (pcos, infertility, love)
21. Infertility Rocks! (infertility, humor, coping)
22. Becoming Whole (emotional abuse recovery, uncertain family-building future)
23. Thoughts by Kim (infertility, spirituality, weight loss)
24. Waiting For Our Pod (mfi, infertility, pregnancy)
25. One Small Wish (infertility, ivf, moving on)
26. Infertile Myrtle (infertility, endometriosis, iui)
27. In Due Time (infertility, pcos, life)
28. May the Road Rise (IVF, marriage, random)
29. Cyster A.C.T. (PCOS, health, life)
30. Exploring Chaos (infertility, weightloss, life)
31. Emilythehopeless (domestic adoption, dogs, waiting)
32. Weebles Wobblog (open adoption, mindfulness)
33. Bang Head Here…. ( lesbian ttc, donor eggs)
34. Barefoot and (Not) Pregnant (pregnancy, ivf, food/wine/tv)
35. Hello Jello (college, animals, family)
36. Musings of a Fat Chick (SMC, fertility, humor)
37. Babymaking 101 (pregnancy loss, recovery)
38. Meepit On Parade (infertility, life, loss)
39. Alana-isms (secondary infertility, family, teaching)
40. Mom Someday (weight loss, PCOS, crazy life)
41. Bella And Her Fella (POF, DE/IVF, thyroid cancer)
42. Learning through the IF Journey (infertility, PCOS, faith)
43. My Journey with Endometriosis (ivf, endo, life)
44. A View On My Life (infertility, therapy, randomness)
45. Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks (sarcasm, parenting, life)
46. Not The Path I Chose (secondary IF, pregnancy loss, IVF)
47. This could be anyone’s story (life, love, depression)
48. All Grown Up (domestic adoption, life, random)
49. Hope Endures (infertility, faith, life)
50. Jen’s Farmily (garden, chickens, farm)
51. The Cubicle’s Backporch (engineer, jobless, life)
52. Isn’t TTC Supposed To Be Fun?! (loss, TTC, infertility)
53. Body Diaries by Lucy (PCOS, IF, TTC)
54. Best When Used By (infertility, 40+, life)
55. Baby Makin Chronicles (pregnancy after miscarriage, life, rants)
56. Parenthood for Me (adoption, infertility, coping)
57. That’s My Answer (questions, fun, life)
58. Yes, We’re Parents (infertility, parenthood, life)
59. High Heel Happy (ivf, infertility, life)
60. Life with Endometriosis and PCOS (infertility, endo, pcos)
61. Our Surrogacy Adventure (surrogacy, intended mother, life)
62. Eggs Benedict Arnold (adoption, family, infertility)
63. Making Me Mom (fibroid, mfi, faith)
64. Mama Bear (domestic infant adoption)
65. On The Road to Baby (infertility, loss, metaphors)
66. The Not So Secret Life Of Us (infertility, miscarriages, life)
67. My So-Called Life (PCOS, considering living child-free, MTHFR)
68. Faith, Hope & Poop? (parenting, school, adoption)
69. Snarky Kisses (life, personal, ttc)
70. Jason & Amber Patterson (ivf, infertility, life)
71. Through The Eyes Of A Stranger (infertility, adoption, life)
72. Letting It Out (parenting after IF, family drama, twins)
73. Ninapintasantamaria’s Blog (pregnancy, snark, life)
74. Xiolo’s Place (life-in-general, soon-to-be-dad, my life)
75. Looking4#3 (infertility, iui, parenting)
76. Dieting Take Two (life, weight loss, inspiring)
77. OneSmarmyMama (parenting, sarcasm, debates)
78. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, ttc #3, life)
79. Creating a Family (adoptive parenting, infertility, adoption)
80. But a Moment (ivf, hope, new)
81. Our Box of Rain (parenting, lawyering, life)
82. The Long Journey (secondary infertility, weight loss and life)
83. Can You Imagine? (infertility, life, iui)
84. The Maniacal Mommy (infertility pregnancy marriage)
85. Inconceivable?! (azoospermia, sadness, life)
86. Run Amok Amok (infertility, life, marriage)
87. Sparkly Things Distract Me (ivf, life, 40+)
88. Wheresmy2lines (infertility, donor eggs, PCOS)
89. Blondedawn (pcos, infertility, life)
90. Live from the 205 (Gregory, life, death)
91. A Little Hope (infertility, IUI, life)
92. Thinking Positively (secondary infertility, adoption, endometriosis)
93. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pampers (marriage, loss, infertility)
94. Michelle’s Messages (infertility, life, ttc)
95. Don’t Scare Easy (hysterectomy, infertility, cat)
96. MeAndBaby’s Blog (smc, infertility, iui)
97. I just want to be a mom (fertility yoga, iui, ivf)
98. My Infertility Journey (IVF/ICSI, male factor, PCOS)
99. Momtography (photography, parenting, life)
100. Page Family Blog (infertility, family, health)
101. Chasing That Dream (hysterectomy, endometriosis, infertility)
102. Loving Thee… And More (parenting, family, life)
103. In Pursuit of Parenthood (infertility, faith, waiting)
104. Ova-EZ (babies, love, life)
105. Baby To Be (iui, ivf, pcos)
106. A New Wheeler for the World? (pregnancy after iui)
107. Tammy’s Journey (infertility, diabetes, christian)
108. Keeping Our Fingers Crossed (ivf, life, infertility)
109. A Virtual Hobby Store and Coffee Shop (entertainment, news, personal)
110. Queen Wilhelmina (pregnant after infertility, incompetent cervix, life)
111. Oh Sanity, Wherefore Art Thou (infertility, loss, life)
112. Scarlet Baby (male factor, pcos, life)
113. Getting There (infertility, PCOS, endo)
114. Dragonfly Mama (infertility, race, spirituality)
115. A Moment in Time… (marriage, infertility, life)
116. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (in the beginning, POF, coping)
117. Twists of Fate (miscarriage, health, life)
118. Elana’s Musings (twins, parenting newborns, randomness)
119. Once Upon a Time (ivf, male factor)
120. Ruminations (parenting after infertility, life, random )
121. Life is Good (fet #1, 2ww, life)
122. Lifeslurper (ivf after 40)
123. Semi-fertile (miscarriage, hope, depression)
124. Anchors’ Aweigh (pregnancy, parenting, navy life)
125. The Unfair Struggle (male-factor, big remodel, friends)
126. My Little Drummer Boys (IVF twins, pregnancy loss, daily life)
127. The Daily Doings of Mr Silly and Little Miss Trouble (twins, surrogacy, infertility)
128. Tales of the Phoenix (IVF over 40, improving egg quality, grief)
129. Chronic Pelvic Pain (pain, insomnia, lupron)
130. Life in the White House (pregnancy, donor sperm, vacationing with in-laws)
131. Add yourself by filling out the form…

Q: What if I miss a day?
A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?
A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?
A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is dark blue, the next month it will be red, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?
A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?
A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours).

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?
A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?
A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

This is the 38th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

My friend told me about your blog and I decided to write you with my dilemma even though it is not infertility related.

A while back, I went through a divorce. There was no big drama. We had simply grown apart until we weren’t communicating at all and I realized it would be better to be alone with myself than to feel alone in the relationship. Since the divorce, I have dated a bit, though the relationships have sort of made me look at how much I miss my first husband. We recently got back in touch and though we’re in the initial stages of talking, some information has surfaced that makes me think that we made a mistake. At the time. we were both unwilling to go through marital counseling. I think we’d both embrace the idea now.

I guess my question is what do you think of giving people second chances and how do I tell people in our life (friends and family) that we want to try again when they helped me emotionally through the divorce and will probably see this as a step back rather than a step forward?

–Anonymous

Giving second chances is sort of like shopping. Whenever I’m in a store and I have the impulse to buy something, I ask myself two questions: do I need it and what does it cost? And you can apply those two questions to this situation as well. Do you need it–meaning, what do you get out of being with him and is it worth taking him into your life. If you can point to the benefits of having him around–and those benefits can only be determined by you–then he needs to move on to that second question: what does it cost?

Since you don’t mention anything that would warrant paying the price of self-esteem (if he was belittling) or safety (if he was dangerous), is sounds like the largest cost will be pride. You touched on that with the second part of your question: how do you tell friends and family who are going to pass judgment if you return to the relationship.

But here’s the thing about pride–it’s sort of the same thing as money. People think they need to have a lot of it, and they horde it, and they refuse to spend it even if it could possibly get them more pride down the road (I swear, I’m going somewhere with this analogy). But in the end, what is pride? What is money? We assign it worth, but does pride keep you company or make you laugh? There is a difference between setting limits that protect your heart or taking a stand on what matters to you.

Is it hard to swallow your pride and put your heart out there again after it’s been trampled on? Most certainly. But based on your question, I am guessing that you see a worth to putting yourself out there again and the damn tether that is holding you back from leaping off the edge and trusting that either something good will happen or you’ll still be able to fly away again if your needs are not met, is pride. A desire to not look like a fool or love someone more than they love you or to be embarrassed when friends and family pass judgment on your choices. Pride is only beneficial when it’s protecting your boundaries rather than locking you in.

If you do decide he would make a great addition to your life again and he’s worth the cost (because he’s got to be both–he can’t look pretty in the living room and be out of your price range nor can he be clutter who is also too cheap to remain in one piece after three uses), I would give the information as matter-of-fact as possible because I think many times, the people who are on the fence will follow the underlying message they get from the way you tell the information. If you’re apologetic, they will pick up on it and take away the message that you think there is something wrong with this so perhaps they should think there is something wrong with this too.

So say it confidently. Write it in an email if you don’t think you’ll be able to get it out of your mouth in a phone conversation or over the dinner table. Tell them that life has a funny way of coming full circle and you’re lucky enough to have found each other for a second chance. You can admit that the news may be a bit shocking if they weren’t expecting it and you may want to fill them in on how you connected again. But make sure you keep it light, have it reflect how you feel.

Er…assuming that your heart is feeling light and there is no buyer’s remorse. Because listening to how the information sits with you once you need to release it to others is a good barometer of how to answer those two purchasing questions.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

At the end of the week, the book will be in bookstores. And right now, if you order it online, they’ll send it to you. There are people holding my book right now. This whole thing, frankly, is pretty surreal. I mean, I remember sitting around in my MFA lounge (wearing the ever-stylish ripped jeans over long underwear, a look that should definitely be brought back for an encore) thinking about how when I’m older, I’ll publish a book or two and…

Well, this is nothing like I thought it would be.

It feels a little bit like I’m about to embark on an overseas trip and I’m racing towards the airport feeling a little discombobulated, and a little unsure of where I’m staying once I get there, and only knowing three words in the native language (and one of those words is “peanuts” which probably won’t be something I need to use at all). I am patting my bags and trying to remember where or if I have my passport (one time, when going to Norway, I didn’t and had to go all the way back home to get it). And I’ve forgotten my camera and I’m really upset about that but I’ve remembered to pack my journal.

That’s a little bit what it’s like.

Actually, you know what it feels like? At my Hebrew school graduation, I wore this new white skort–see, I’ve always been highly fashionable–and it was too big, but we didn’t have time to fix it so my mum pinned it on the side. As I was running down the aisle to join my classmates in our group picture in the sanctuary before the graduation ceremony, my skort fell off. As in, the pin snapped, the skort fell, and I stood in the aisle in my silky navy blue top with my skort around my ankles laughing while the rabbi flipped the fuck out. He literally didn’t know what to do with himself. And what the book coming out feels like is if you could combine the discombobulated discomfort and anxiety of the rabbi with my fifteen-year-old, very embarrassed but laughing self, you’d get a good approximation of how this week feels.

I am eternally grateful to everyone who has mentioned that they’ve already ordered a copy or are planning to read it. I hope I did the community proud. I do have one reading set up in DC for July, but I should know more of a touring schedule by mid-June. I hope to come to a lot of cities to give readings so I can meet everyone. I am a whore for meeting other bloggers. So I will post all of that information once it is cemented.

If you want to help, there is something you can do without even reading the book (though…um…please read the book and tell me what you think). You can place a badge on your sidebar, email it out to friends and family, or even send it along to your local Resolve or clinic. You can get the code for the badge right here. Simply cut and paste and voila, news of the book is out there. If you do put up the badge, please let me know because I don’t want to miss thanking anyone. I’ve been keeping a haphazard list, but I’m always worried that there are things I read about and then forget to write down.

Another thing you can do is add a review online–either on your blog or on the Amazon site or (even better) in both places at the same time. It makes a big difference to have a blurb from your blog post up on the Amazon site. I’m not sure why, but I’ve been told this enough times that I believe it and am passing on this idea as gospel. Again, you do not need to write a second original post; it can be a blurb from your blog post.

I’ve decided to spread out the thanking because…well…there’s a lot of thanking to do.

So the ones I’m doing today are Lori from Weebles Wobblog who designed a badge (and Kristen from Dragondreamer’s Lair who helped her with the code). She has been cheering on the book online since January and many people have the button on their sidebar including (and I hope I didn’t miss anyone!):

I hope, hope, hope that I didn’t miss anyone and my largest apologies if I did. I first met Lori at Teaism in D.C. and it was the perfect setting. She is peace incarnate–she carries peace with it, but she induces peace in others. She is simply a beautiful person and I’m lucky to know her.

The next is Julie from A Little Pregnant who is orchestrating online activities including a giveaway and a virtual book party. Her post made me all kinds of weepy. The winners of her giveaway will be chosen this Wednesday.

And lastly, thank you to people like Dora at ISO the Golden Egg, who bought a copy for a friend (she got a copy for Kristen as a birthday present back in the winter that is being sent now) or a blog reader or someone else. And wrote about it.

More thank yous coming soon. It’s a trippy week and I’m trying to take the advice I received at my wedding to take a step back from everyone in the room and observe the scene for a moment. Josh and I had a moment where we backed ourselves into the corner by the cake and just stood and watched everyone for a full minute. And then we both said, “holy shit. We’re at our wedding.” And that’s sort of what this time period feels like too.

Barren Advice returns tomorrow from its vacation-induced vacation.

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

During Pesach, before she went home, Josh’s grandmother pulled me aside to give me her crystal cake plate. She recently moved from her apartment to a senior community and didn’t have space for everything and she told me that she wanted me to have this, the reason being that cake plays a large role in our relationship.

I am not going to be able to adequately put into words how much this meant to me. I am used to being adored by my own grandmother who has known me since birth. It is quite another thing to be loved by Josh’s grandmother, who notices the small things about me (my love of baking cakes) and presents a gift that speaks volumes. She knows how much family means to me–I have certainly pestered her enough times to recount stories for me from Josh’s family so I can writes them down for the twins–and this cake plate brings with it history. A cake plate is the perfect fit–I am not a jewelry person or a clothing person. I am an old-pictures-or-serving-pieces person.

And beyond that, when she introduces us to strangers, she refers to both of us as her grandchildren. Only if the person questions everyone’s relationship does she clarify and state that Josh is her grandson and I am his wife. But until pressed, we are all her grandchildren–those that she has known since childhood and those that have married into the family–and though I started this post by calling her Josh’s grandmother, she is simply called Grandma by all of us as well, never differentiating which great-grandmother is from my family and which one comes from Josh’s side.

Here is one of those places where words fail–it means more than I can express that she has taken me as a granddaughter rather than a woman who has married her grandson. It is a small distinction, but like the gift, it speaks volumes.

When she gave me the cake plate, she told me that she wanted me to have something to remember her by which made me profoundly sad to consider that future. It is hard to live in the moment with a mind that can comprehend the future–by which we all have this problem. And I am just trying to enjoy today, which includes both the cake I baked yesterday and Grandma, visiting her at her new senior community in Pennsylvania.

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (hint: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog and use your blog’s name, not your name). The list is open from now until late Tuesday night and a new one is posted every week.

Julie from A Little Pregnant is doing a giveaway right now of Navigating the Land of If. Just in case you didn’t see and want to win a copy.

I mean, you probably did see, but in case you didn’t.

Like because you were too busy eating icing straight from the bowl instead of washing it.

Er…and not drinking water.

Not that I did any of those things today.