Posts from — March 2009

Figure out this math equation: “hands-off government” senator, Ralph Hudgens + Right to Life group = Bill 169, the piece of Georgia legislation that is being discussed in a committee hearing tomorrow morning. Bill 169, which seeks to impose limits on reproductive rights without regard to the actual people affected by these laws. All for the sake of stopping another set of octuplets from entering the world–since, as you know, higher order multiples is just as much a problem taxing the state of Georgia medical system as obesity and Gonorrhea.

Actually, sorry, the state is the 12th most problematic state in regards to obesity and it rocks out as the 5th most Gonorrhea infested state according to Georgia health statistics. Yet it is 21st in line–almost the midway point–of the 50 states in regards to twin births (no information was available about the rate of triplets and higher). Why not enact legislation restricting the caloric intake of citizens or making it a law that a barrier must be used during all sexual acts? Anything to lessen two greater health risks in the state of Georgia?

Because apparently Ralph Hudgens believes that the threat of octuplets is taxing the state’s medical system more than state’s higher-than-average rate of heart disease. Or it’s higher-than-average rate of diabetes.

It is certainly more important to pass legislation concerning the number of embryos transferred during IVF than it is to pass legislation protecting children from firearm-related deaths. Georgia is a state without legislation on an assault weapons ban or trigger locks required to be sold or safe storage requirements.

But octuplets born via IVF will be the downfall of the great state of Georgia.

According to Resolve, the National Infertility Association, Bill 169 aims to

limit the number of embryos transferred during an IVF cycle, and ban the fertilization of any eggs in excess of the number allowed to be transferred. Even if more eggs are produced, they could not be fertilized and cryopreserved for future attempts at pregnancy. In patients under 40, physicians would be allowed to fertilize and transfer only two embryos, and in women over age 40, no more than three embryos. These limits do not meet ASRM guidelines on the number of embryos to transfer, and would affect patients access to care in Georgia. SB 169 would also eliminate any compensation for donor gametes, such as donor egg and donor sperm, severely limiting the number of available donors.

What does this mean in simple terms? And it should be noted that no legislation is being passed to make IVF affordable to the average person who needs to utilize it–Georgia residents do not have mandated health care coverage for infertility. Therefore, citizens will be paying out of pocket (the average IVF cycle costs a little under $10,000) for each cycle.

• That only two or three eggs will be allowed to be fertilized regardless of how many eggs are collected during retrieval. Regardless of the patient’s history or the natural attrition rate with fertilization.
• That every embryo created must be transferred. There will be no cryopreservation of embryos.
• Only two embryos can ever be transferred at one time to a woman under 40. Regardless of quality (for those who don’t know, embryos are graded in terms of quality). A maximum of three embryos can be transferred in a woman over 40. Of course, you may not have any embryos to transfer if you only fertilized two eggs due to the attrition rate.
• A complete ban on financial compensation for those who undergo risky procedures in order to donate their gametes thereby ensuring that the available donor gamete pool is greatly reduced.
• It prohibits stem-cell research from leftover embryos.

Why is this legislation grabbing the attention of all Americans–even those outside of Georgia? Even those not struggling with infertility? Even those not currently trying to conceive?

Because it is what is called back-door politics–the creation of what the majority deem a reasonable bill (after all, what state wants to cover the tab Californians face in regards to the health of the octuplets?) in order to pave the way for additional legislation, in this case, to affect the ruling of Roe vs. Wade. By entering through the back-door, legislation can open up the front door by laying important foundations to helping overturn abortion law. It is no accident that this bill was drafted with help from the Right to Life movement.

It isn’t that there aren’t sound ideas buried in this bill. Trying to find ways to cut back on the number of embryos cryopreserved is important. Setting up guidelines that can be examined on a case-by-case basis is important. If the bill was only discussing the number of embryos that could be transferred, I don’t believe most people would be up in arms. But the bill is restricting the number of eggs that can be fertilized which means that many people who attempt IVF are going to end up with nothing to transfer. Creating laws that restrict doctors from practicing sound medicine, from following their Hippocratic Oath to first do no harm and to act in the best interest of their patients is dangerous. Medicine is more art than science, with each body reacting differently to medications and procedures. One law cannot be in the best interest of every person’s health, especially a law that disregards the myriad of ways infertility is caused from uterine anomalies to CBAVD.

This law is giving rights to embryos–not women and men. In fact, it is taking away the rights of women and men to give it to embryos. As the bill states: “A living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity.” Meaning: you don’t get to choose what happens to your gametes once they mix. The state gets to choose.

What can you do? As the AFA states:

The Georgia Senate Health & Human Services Committee will hold a hearing on SB 169 Thursday, March 5, at 9:00 AM in Room 450 of the State Capitol. The committee will hear testimony in the hearing which is open to the public. You’re encouraged to attend and voice opposition to the bill.

If you can’t make the meeting, you’re asked to please contact the Office of Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle and express your opposition and concern.

You may also contact your Senator directly by finding him or her at the following web address.

You can blog about it, spread word about it, and make sure your voice is heard loud and clear that what is happening in Georgia is not in the best interest of the citizens of Georgia, nor will it be in the best interest of other states if this bill sets a t
one that others follow. That equation is bad math and this bill is bad lawmaking.

No offense to Georgians with Gonorrhea.

cross-posted on BlogHer

Updated at bottom:

Dear Public Library and All the Librarians Who Work Here:

Thank you.

I don’t say that enough to you. I mean, I say it when you hand me back the books I’ve just checked out, but that’s not what I mean.

Thank you for always having wireless Internet access when my Internet at home is down. Thank you for letting me check out as many cookbooks as I can carry home when I’m depressed and not saying anything when I renew them three times. Thank you for humouring me when I’m standing in front of you saying something along the lines of “there’s this book…and it’s blue…or it’s purple…I mean the cover is purple…and it has something about a frog in the title…or maybe it doesn’t. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

I just posted today’s LFCA from the library because my Internet is down for the 8th time in three days. Which is twenty kinds of annoying because I still have to pay for a service that the company is not actually providing. So everyone who receives support today from the LFCA–you should thank your local public library. Just swing by and walk up to a librarian and say, “thank you.” Even if it makes you look a little crazy. And check out a book while you’re there. I mean, you made the trip and all.

I now need to head home because I am going to be on an Internet radio show at noon. It’s probably a bit late (maybe not?) submit questions beforehand, but you can call-in during the show. It’s called Creating a Family and it runs from noon until 1 (EST). It will also be housed on that space after the show or downloadable from iTunes. Here is a chance to ask all your burning questions: what is the future fate of the turkey cutlet, how did I learn to rock the Irish Penny Whistle, or what did I end up doing with all of the empty Follistim vials I collected for an art project?

If Internet is not back up in the afternoon, I’ll head back here. To my little nook in the public library. And bring some mishloach manot for my local librarians.

Update:

I have Internet at home for the time being. I need to amend that I love and thank all librarians. I was using the term public library, but truly, my experience in my college library was just as fantastic. And I could cry thinking about the great times I’ve had in the Library of Congress (where they bring the books right to your table. Like you’re a queen and they’re feeding you grapes. Literally, you just turn in a slip and the books show up a few minutes later). Our public library also has a library bookstore that sells books…I shit you not…for 50 cents. 50 cents! I get all of my chicklit for 50 cents. I filled 4 shelves of a huge Ikea bookshelf with children’s books for 50 cents a piece. I carry around a slip of paper with all the books my friends are looking for too at all times and hit the library bookstore a few times a month to search. Can I just reiterate that these are current books–Jennifer Weiner, Jane Green, Emily Griffin–all for 50 cents. And you can donate your books to them and they’ll sell them. They don’t even question why I have 8 copies of Candide, they just take them and sell them. It is a beautiful world.

This is the 32nd installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I started my blog in the midst of dealing w/ infertility and TTC. It was my 2nd blog while on this journey b/c the first one turned out to be a vent-fest and I realized that’s not what I wanted to have out there. I wanted a blog / place where I could be honest and others could read and maybe relate and we’d be a support for one another. Somewhere along the way I found you! And it was set, I had this blog community that understood me and my desire to be a mother. I got very into reading other blogs and being a support for those cycling, pregnant and parenting.

After years of TTC, surgery and ART, I got pregnant. And even though I knew my online buddies and community would be happy for me, I had a hard time dealing w/ the pregnancy and w/ those IF’ers still waiting for their BFP. I didn’t know how to be excited for myself and not hurt someone’s feelings. I think we all know that mix feeling we get when we’re still cycling and someone we know gets pregnant. I didn’t blog or write into my boardgroup as much as before for these reasons. My infertility was and will be a big part of me and and my life. I don’t know how to balance the fact – and my blog – that I overcame ‘primary’ IF and now have my boys and be supportive to the IF community. How do YOU do it? Just b/c I have kiddies now, I don’t want to or can “just forget” about my IF and my friends that are still going through it.

–Susy

I think your sensitivity and the fact that you notice this and want to do something about it is the most important part of it. Without that impulse, I don’t think that balance can ever be obtained. But you have solid ground from which to step forward.

If I could boil it down to a formula, it would make it a lot easier. What you’re essentially asking is how you seamlessly move from blogging about primary infertility to blogging about parenting after infertility. It may seem as though others stepped into the role without effort just as I’m sure it appears as if some parents have stepped into parenting without effort. I know when I was in those first weeks and had wondered what I had gotten myself into and hadn’t showered and felt like crap and was snapping at everyone and crying at the drop of a hat…well, I wondered how others did it so easily. What did they know that I didn’t? I was certainly grateful that the twins were here, but it wasn’t easy. It was really rocky and it took a long time for us to find our groove.

But we did find it.

Even though we still go through stages where I snap at everyone and cry at the drop of a hat.

But I have to guess that most people experience waves whether it is with parenting or blogging. Even those who have moved from primary to parenting seemingly without effort in their writing, keeping their audience mostly intact–I would hazard a guess that they would weigh in here and admit that it wasn’t easy, they sometimes felt like they had nothing to say, and they even went through periods of light posting where they desperately wanted to connect to people and yet couldn’t find a way to sum up their world that was palatable to the people they knew were reading–in other words, their friends.

Because, as you say, you know your audience and you know what you wouldn’t want to hear when you were in the throes of primary infertility. And that, of course, can be your starting point. If you always wished that people had put a heads up at the top of the post saying “children mentioned,” do so. If it helps you to feel like you have a better grasp on circumspection, hold every post for a few hours and then revisit it before posting, trying to see it through the eyes of someone going through primary infertility. Is it sensitive? Thoughtful?

The best solid advice I can give you is to observe the rule of 3/4ths. I just made up this rule, by the way, just in case you’re scratching your head and thinking, “but I’ve never heard of the rule of 3/4ths.” This rule–to be adhered to loosely and without stunting your own writing impulses–is to stick to your main topic 3/4ths of the time. Write the truth about what it is like to parent after infertility. How your experience beforehand has affected your world now. About your children and interesting anecdotes. The other 1/4th of the time is whatever else interests you. By which I mean a recap of your favourite television show, a rant about PR pitches, or musings on your dream house.

This, of course, gives you a frame and it gives you breathing space. It’s sort of like fixed form poetry–it gives you room to think because you know your expectations. And it helps you connect with an audience because they can predict whether you’re writing about something that would be of interest to them. No one expects you to stick to one topic every single post, and it would be a little boring if you narrowed your world so much that you only wrote about one thing. Your main topic is your frame, but you need to be able to fit your other interests onto that frame as well.

That said, I’m going to give you two analogies because I love analogies on the same level as chocolate and orgasms. And because I can’t walk away from a good analogy that pops into my head any more so than I can walk away from…chocolate or orgasms.

Sometimes people are your friends due to circumstance and location. And other times, they transcend the moment in time and enter a separate space–one that travels with you wherever you go. There are people I was friends with in college because we found ourselves in the same dorm or the same class. And I’m embarrassed to admit it, but even though these people were my world while I was there, I have a hard time recalling some of their names when I’m flipping through pictures. They were so important in the moment, but for whatever reason, I didn’t take them with me when I left college. A few did come with me, and those are the ones that transcend that moment. We weren’t just friends because we were in the same place at the same time. We were friends because we got each other on a very deep level. And they didn’t mind my incessant what ifs.

I think what you are seeing with blogs is that some people are still living here, hence why they still have the same friends (readers) and some people have moved, but are sad that they didn’t bring all their friends (readers) with them. There are plenty of parenting after infertility blogs in the Land of If. They’re still writing about infertility and they haven’t really moved. I’m not saying this as a negative thing–my own blog
is certainly still in the Land of If.

People moving is not a negative thing either. You can move and rebuild on mainland and tap into those resources and a new readership. You’ll take some of your friends (readers) from here, the ones that transcended the experience and connected with your words and ideas. It may take a while to find your new groove, but you may want to reinvent as a mommyblogger, food blogger, or book blogger. New interests replace old interests and the soul of the blog changes. It all depends on whether you want to stay in this town or move somewhere new.

That said (and here is the second analogy), living in the Land of If when you’re parenting after infertility is sort of like being a twenty-something in a retirement community. It makes me think of Jennifer Weiner’s book In Her Shoes, where the sister goes to live in the retirement community and everyone loves her. While I loved the book and I could see why the people would connect with this particular character–especially when she was a rockin’ personal shopper–I didn’t find it particularly believable based on my experience with retirement communities.

The ones I’ve seen are happy enough to have me visit, but they certainly don’t want me hanging around the pool all day. And, to be frank, I wouldn’t really want to live in a retirement community day in and day out. Because we’re at different places in life. I can understand why they don’t want to see my perky breasts (if I had perky breasts) in a bikini (if I ever wore a bikini) just as they probably understand why I wouldn’t want to walk very slowly or play Bridge.

Which is not to say that you won’t find people in the retirement community who want young people around. Just as there are people in the infertility community who see burgeoning bellies, young children, or adoption finalizations with hope, there are certainly people we’ve met at the nursing home who are thrilled when we bring the twins and let them run around. They think they’re hysterical and instead of making them depressed, they see them as a brief moment of entertainment.

But there are also plenty of people at the nursing home who don’t want to see the twins at all, who are annoyed that they’re in their space. Who find them grating and intolerable. Not because those people are crotchety or mean–but because we all have differing likes and dislikes. I will never hold that against them just so long as they don’t hold my likes and dislikes against me. Our unique way of viewing the world adds to the whole. But to be fair, it is their space, their home. The blogosphere is a messier affair with some people wanting those parenting after infertility to stick around and some people wishing they would pack up their blog and leave. The way we exercise our opinion is to decide what we do and don’t want to read. It’s a two way street unlike the retirement community who can decide who gets to live there–you get to decide what you want to write and others get to decide what they want to read.

Here’s the thing about the character in that book: she makes herself stand out amongst them. She lounges by the pool in her bikini and prances about. I would hope that if I had lived in a retirement community in my twenties, I would have tried a bit better to blend. Or, at the very least, be mindful that I am the one who wishes to be with the elderly people and therefore, need to play by their rules.

I wouldn’t run through the hallway of a retirement community wearing nothing but a bikini and screaming about how we all need to paaaaaaaaaaaaar-tay! (Yes, I am making a lot of assumptions that elderly people do not like to rave)

And I wouldn’t write long posts giving a play-by-play about nuzzling a warm baby neck if I knew my audience was comprised entirely of those still experiencing infertility.

Meaning, I wouldn’t do either of those things if I wanted to still be welcome in that particular space.

If I had no care about that space or if I was trying to live in bikini-land, but the elderly were still at my elbow, asking me what I’m doing, I would write accordingly too. In other words, I match my behaviour to the space where I wish to be, not where others wish me to be. If you want to still be in the infertility world, it’s a big space and I say there is room here. If you wish to be on the mainland, you should also be free to move there and build a home without anyone making you feel badly or demanding that you come back.

Your blog is your space. You get to decide what you write and how you want to run it. If you want to remain in the Land of If, remember your roots. Use the cues you would have wanted to see when you were still family building. Sit on a post for a few hours and make sure you look at it again with primary eyes. Stick to a topic (parenting after infertility) 3/4ths of the time so readers can predict whether what you’re writing will be of interest to them. Don’t take it personally if some people aren’t in a space to keep reading. And make sure that your blog fits well with you–that it feels comfortable and home-y and not as if you’re stretching to make other people happy at the expense of writing what you want to write.

Or, after reading this, you decide that you want to move, trust that you’ll make new friends in your new city. By which I mean a new area of the blogosphere. By which I couldn’t resist another analogy.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 31st installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

What do you do when someone leaves a comment on your blog that just makes you want to throttle them, even though you know they are trying to be supportive? I had someone leave a comment telling me that my baby angel was in heaven and that it breaks her heart to see how I am carrying on back here on earth. She said I should release my anger with my doctors, body, infertility, etc and stop carrying around this burden because my baby would never want me to live this way.

I…almost came unglued. I know they were trying to be helpful and leave the general platitudes, but how dare they? My initial thought process was “How dare you presume to know what my baby would and would not want? I believe she in heaven too, but how DARE you come in here and tell me what I should and shouldn’t do?!”

I know – they were trying to comfort me. Instead, I was unreasonably angered. I have not responded, and probably won’t because I don’t want to hurt anyone or put them off of commenting or offering support, but still…what do you do with stuff like this?!

–Anonymous

Here is the problem with giving comfort to someone you don’t intimately know–you never know if your way of giving comfort is actually helpful to them. I know how to comfort Josh; know what he does or does not want to hear. I can’t say the same thing about most people on the Internet with the exception of the people that I’ve connected with off-blog.

Comfort is sticky when it comes from a religious space and religion is sticky because even those who practice the same religion may feel uncomfortable with some religious sentiments. As you state in your question, even if you also believe that your baby is in Heaven, you don’t necessarily sound like your Heaven matches the commenter’s vision of Heaven (where your baby is watching your angry reaction back here on earth).

And yet we’ve set up blogs as a conversation–unless you turn off comments on a post, you are tacitly giving a welcome to other people’s words. Therefore, when you’re happy, they are going to echo your happiness with congratulations and when you are sad, they are going to say what they believe will help you process your grief. Perhaps in her world and within her losses (whether they were pregnancy losses or other forms of loss she has experienced), it is helpful to think that the people lost would be angry with her if they saw her grieving. Perhaps that is what gets her through the grieving process and makes her put one foot in front of the other.

It wouldn’t work for me.

It doesn’t sound like it works for you.

So what is a way to comfort someone that is a little more neutral? If people only have words to give comfort and cannot give you a hug, what should they say? A simple “I’m sorry” works. A “I’m thinking of you” or “hug” is fine too.

I believe the conversation began on I Won’t Fear Love about the term abide, as in “I abide with you” which is a way of saying that you are sitting beside them, waiting for the person to come through their grief. You’re not nudging them along or trying to talk them out of it. You’re simply sitting with them. It’s a term that lacks judgment nor tells the other person what to do. It is a really perfect way to comfort another person that you don’t know.

That said, what do you do with the people who choose instead to bring their own way of comforting to the table? Who choose to bring in their religious views, even if they end up causing more pain than comfort because their views differ so greatly from your own? There are only three possibilities here: ignore (easier said than done), remove (though, as you said, the words were never meant to hurt), or close the comment section on a post where you fear the response. Some will take the extra step when the comment section is closed to reach you via email. And while I can’t promise that you won’t get emails that are unhelpful, you have a greater chance of getting helpful comfort from someone who knows you somewhat well.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

Show and Tell is still going strong and that post is always open until Tuesday night every week. It’s just below the new IComLeavWe list…