Posts from — January 2009

Setting the scene for you:

It’s the second to last week of camp. The Barren Babes are standing on the porch of our cabin, knee socks yanked up to maximum height, ribboned pigtails swinging in the breeze, our sneakers festooned with colourful laces. We’ve kicked ass in the pool, kicked ass in the rope climb, kicked ass in the sing-along competition. We’ve shaving creamed our team name across the pavilion in front of the mess hall. Oh, yeah, and we’ve won the Weblog Awards.

To everyone who is stopping by from the Weblog Awards, allow me to introduce you to our team. We’re 1600+ completely rockin’ men and women who are all writing about our experience with biological or situational infertility. You can find our blogroll here.

Thank you to all the people who voted. Thank you to the people who asked their friends to vote or who Twittered it, Facebooked it (that verb again!), or blogged it. I am so incredibly thankful to be part of this community. And…at the risk of becoming weepy…I just want to tell you how much I love you. This really meant a lot to me.

While we wait for the Weblog Award votes to be tallied (the final outcome will be posted tomorrow morning), two stories.

Getting back in touch with people via Facebook has reminded me of my favourite mistaken identity story. During college, I was friends with a man who is apparently far too google-able to write out his name here but all we need for this tale is that his last name contains the word “hip.”

I thought I saw him standing on Library Mall, holding his bike, so I walked up to him and when I was right behind him, I attempted to scare/surprise him by screaming his name and then saying these incredibly cool words: “you’re my fucking hippie hippie hipster!”

The man turned around and was not said friend, but that wasn’t the embarrassing part.

At that moment he turned around, a huge gust of wind occurred, blowing my Urban Outfitters baby doll dress (this was college in the early 90s) over my head so that as he turned, he was staring at a woman who was flashing her mismatched bra and panties at him while trying to push down her dress.

This would have been a good enough ending if the same thing hadn’t happened again two years later.

Having not learned as a sophomore not to wear baby doll dresses, I wore one for a performance that required a black dress and black tights. There was only one dress rehearsal and it was directly before the performance and we weren’t really moving through the steps insomuch as making sure everyone knew their cues. I noted that my dress was shorter than most of the other girls but was probably fine.

The performance was luckily being video taped and I was able to get a copy of this tape. This is what you see: I’m singing the Gershwin song: “I’m dancing and I can’t be bothered now. I’m dancing and I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’t, caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’t be bothered now!” Step, kick, and twirl and twirl and my dress is over my armpits, the audience is gasping at my black bra and panties, I am twirling, my partner dips me, and….scene.

Afterwards, my friends and I stood around awkwardly until one boy finally said, “well, at least you wore that really good black push-up bra tonight.”

This is the 24th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I am writing to ask about IUI along with Clomid. Does this ever work for anyone? My fertility doctor recommends a few attempts with this approach, but she says it has a 5% chance of working, which is less than the standard statistic of 10% per month for a woman over 35. In my quick review of the blogs on your blogroll, none of them were successful with this approach, only with IVF. Our insurance does not cover any fertility treatments, so we’d rather not waste $ and time on a 5% chance!

–Anonymous and Blogless

If your doctor told you that you would have a 5% chance doing IUI with Clomid, a 10% chance doing IUI with Follistim, a 30% chance doing IVF, a 60% chance doing IVF with donor gametes, and a 99% chance doing adoption*, it would make the most sense to go with adoption. Except that you want to experience pregnancy so then it would make the most sense to go with IVF and donor gametes. Except that you’d like a genetic connection to the child you’re carrying which means you should do IVF. Except that you’re paying out of pocket for every procedure, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense to start with the most expensive so you drop back down to the IUIs and…well…you’re back in square one staring at the statistics again.

The problem with success rates is that (1) you don’t know which side of the percentage you’re going to fall until you do the procedure therefore, looking at them is a lot like gambling and (2) success rates are not one-size-fits-all. You may have a 5% chance of an IUI with Clomid working, but another person may have a 30% chance of the same procedure working. Therefore, I throw all numbers out the window when making a decision because they’re meaningless. Instead I look at the overarching facts associated with each procedure and what problems it can and cannot compensate for or overcome.

I’d look at diagnosis and age as your determining factors. IUI is great for a number of problems including mild male factor (not azoospermia), absence or acidic cervical mucous, and the ever dreaded diagnosis of unexplained infertility. It is not great for egg quality issues, high FSH, or uterine anomalies (though IVF can’t overcome some of these issues either). This doesn’t mean that IUI doesn’t work if you have egg quality issues, but what I’m saying is that it isn’t a procedure that is meant to circumvent that problem. Therefore, I’d take a look first at your diagnosis and consider whether or not IUI is being thrown at the problem because it’s less expensive but it isn’t truly the best fix.

The other thing I’d look at is age. I’m assuming from the wording of the question that you’re over 35. What you would try if you were 25 is very different from what you’d try at 35, especially if you would like to have another child after the one you are trying to conceive. How aggressive I’d be would depend on how far over 35 you are (40? I probably wouldn’t spend a lot of time with IUI. 36? I may give it more consideration) as well as the hormone levels on your day 3 blood work.

I think one problem is that the choices aren’t (or shouldn’t be) just IUI with Clomid or IVF. You could try a few combinations of injectable drugs with IUI, for example. Even with IVF, there are a multitude of protocols your doctor could follow–some more aggressive and more expensive than others. The protocol is chosen based on a host of factors.

I feel for you because we don’t have coverage either so almost everything is out of pocket. You don’t want to spend more than you have to and you don’t want things to be more invasive than necessary. But at the same time, you don’t want to waste time.

I guess this is the analogy I would use for making the decision. You dated a lot of people (I’m assuming) before you met your partner. And those past relationships not only gave you information that made your current partnership more successful, but they also were educated tries along the way. If you had known they wouldn’t work out, you probably wouldn’t have spent the time just as if you know a procedure won’t work out, you probably don’t want to spend the time (and money). But every cycle gives your doctor more information–from how your body responds to drugs to how your uterine lining grows. And that information may be what makes your first IVF successful vs. gathering some of this information with your first IVF cycle before you go on to the next one. Every relationship gives you information too–so those old relationships that didn’t work out weren’t truly a waste of time.

In other words, it is the difference between dating around with low stakes rather than jumping straight into marriage with the first person you meet and either having it work out or having to go through a messy divorce.

I will state this clearly here: sometimes, you don’t have a choice with what you try first because diagnosis dictates a clear-cut solution (or a best solution). It sounds as if the playing field is open to you because you don’t have a diagnosis that points in a single direction. Therefore, I’d always choose low-key over invasive. You may hear from people below that they have regrets that they tried the IUIs because they didn’t work or you may hear from people who are ecstatic that they tried IUIs because they did work. Either way, their experience is their experience and not a prediction of your experience. You may not have regrets if you have some IUIs that don’t work if they streamline your first IVF cycle. Or you may have regrets if you have limited funds and you spend them on something that has a lower success rate (IUI almost always has a lower success rate than IVF).

Regardless, it’s a decision you’re going to have to make because it is a very personal decision but my advice is to always take the path where you’ll have the least regrets while, at the same time, holding yourself in check with the regrets department by remembering that a negative cycle doesn’t always mean a waste of time.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to sen
d in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

*all success rates are fictional. True success rates are based on a plethora of information and aren’t one size fits all.

Actually, wait, before we begin, you voted for Stirrup Queens in the Weblog Awards, right? You haven’t? Go over and vote and then come back. It’s two clicks.

The second week of January is traditionally National Delurking Week, which I took to be this week. Then, last week, I saw people asking for everyone to delurk. And on Sunday, I saw people saying that the delurking has just begun. So a brawl broke out, punches were thrown, eyes were blackened. And look where we are now.

The cusp between the two possible weeks?

In order to be the perfect middle child and appeal to those in the January 4–10 camp and those in the January 11–17 camp, I am placing my delurking request on January 12. At the mouth of the second week and somewhat at the ass of the first.

See, middle child.

Delurking Week is a time for people to come out and admit that they’re reading and not commenting on someone’s blog. It’s a little wave from the ether and then you can go back to your other 51 weeks a year of reading silently. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to sign in as yourself and leave a normal comment so I can go over to your blog and find it and begin reading. But if you are nervous about having readers (I’m not even going to ask you the question: why are you writing?), you can use the anonymous function, tell us a bit about yourself, and sign your first name at the end of the comment.

I’ve combined this delurking request with our normal bar so the delurking will mingle with the general updates and everyone shy can hide behind their imaginary drink.

It is also the two year anniversary of the Virtual Lushary. We first kicked open the doors on January 17, 2007 and we’ve been serving imaginary drinks once a month since. Isn’t that amazing? I still stand by what I said last year about community on the first anniversary.

I wrote this last year, but I think the game is still interesting: If you commented at the first Lushary, I’d like you to click here and read what you had to say two years ago this week. And then click here and read what you had to say a year ago. And then, as you update the group below on your current situation, add what was happening this time last year (or two years ago) and how life is the same or different. If you joined along at a later bar session, the same idea holds. You can scan old sessions here and then state when you found the bar and what has changed since.

And now the words that I’ve been saying for two years:

It has been about a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.

Happy anniversary to the little Lushary and happy Delurking Week.

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

Actually, wait, before we begin, you voted for Stirrup Queens in the Weblog Awards, right? You haven’t? Go over and vote and then come back. It’s two clicks.

Okay, now let’s begin.

On Tuesday night, we lost power around 2 a.m. and for the first time ever, the twins came into our bed. I didn’t sleep at all on Tuesday night because the Wolvog wanted to play with my hair. All night. He wanted to tell me that he thought the grey was beautiful and that my hair smelled good and that he loved it. All from 2 a.m. until about 7 a.m.

In the morning, Josh got out of bed and the alarm went off. And the alarm could not be shut off. Even when wires were ripped out of the wall. It would wear itself out after 10 minutes of buzzing and then start all over again once someone moved and the sensor detected motion. A home security person came to the house and fixed it, but that was only after everyone’s nerves were fried.

Well, imagine our happy surprise when we lost power again the next night. We set up the twins with Plan A (sleep with the flashlights on until we’re ready for bed and then they can come into our room) and lit some candles downstairs so we could have a romantic dinner of cold cereal. “I’m going to read every Harry Potter book tonight,” I announced. It seemed like a great project. Josh pointed out that it would take a long time to read that many pages and I probably didn’t need to bring all seven books upstairs. But I disagreed.

We read and did crossword puzzles by candlelight until the lights came back on at ten and we thanked the gods for electricity and made hot tea and read blogs.

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (hint: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog and use your blog’s name, not your name). The list is open from now until late Tuesday night and a new one is posted every week.