Josh came home this week with a crate of lemons and asked if I could do anything with them (please don’t ask how he ended up with a crate of lemons).

When life gives you a crate of lemons, most people would make lemonade. But I used them to make the world’s worst and most complicated lemon cookies.

Thanks a lot, Rachael Ray. They will be going into the garbage soon enough–all eight dozen of them.

But the baking process–of which there was over 45 minutes of just prep time to zest all of those lemons and juice them–gave me time to think of a new what if.

What if a close friend or family member couldn’t withhold judgement on your infertility/pregnancy loss decisions (for example, they were wholly against IVF and you chose to do IVF or they thought you needed to wait after a loss and you wanted to try again or they thought you should keep trying IVF with your eggs and you wanted to use donor eggs)? What would you want them to say in order to protect your relationship while still continuing with your decisions. Would you rather have them be honest, or would you rather have them slip off the face of the earth for a bit rather than tell you the truth?

Subsequently, is there any way that a person could tell you that they couldn’t support you during infertility and didn’t want to hear the details of your journey that would still keep your relationship in tact?

Wasn’t sure if everyone knew about the AFA‘s (American Fertility Association) online chat sessions, but there is one happening tonight. I’ve never done one of these chats, so I’m not entirely sure how it works, but it sounds like you can ask questions about IVF to a doctor from Cornell.

This is the information I received in an email this morning:

AFA Online Educational Session

Don’t forget to join The AFA for an online educational session, part of our Connections program. This is a wonderful opportunity to get your questions answered by leading physicians and professionals in the field, learn something new, and find support.

www.theafa.org/connections/chat.html

Date: Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Time: 8:00-9:00 PM (ET)
Guest Speaker: Owen K. Davis, M.D., F.A.C.O.G., The Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility
Topic: Assisted Reproduction and IVF – What are your options and how do you decide?

About Dr. DavisDr. Owen Davis is the Associate Director of the Center’s Program of in vitro fertilization, a world-renowned specialist and leader in the field of reproductive medicine, and a board certified obstetrician-gynecologist and reproductive endocrinologist. Dr. Davis is a member of more than 10 leading medical societies and is Past President of the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology. Currently, Dr. Davis is on the Board of Directors of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. In addition, he has served as Chief of the Division of Gynecology at the Weill Medical College of Cornell University and is a member of the Medical Center’s Institutional Review Board.

I receive an email from them every week or so with online programs similar to this one. You can receive this email too by signing up via the AFA‘s website. Just wanted to pass it along in case it’s helpful for anyone.

I went to see a film about motherhood at the Washington Jewish Film Festival called Be Fruitful and Multiply. Afterwards, they had a panel discussion with the filmmaker, a woman from the film, and two researchers. This film, by the way, has nothing to do with infertility and everything to do with hyperfertility. There were four women in the film–the first had 16 children (woman A), the second had 14 children (woman B), the third had 5 children and wanted more but her husband thought they should limit their family size (woman C), and the fourth had been part of a large family and had decided to limit her family to 4 children (woman D).

You would think, statistically, that out of 16 children, one would be infertile. Just based on statistics. But all of the siblings were popping out babies left and right. My husband raised an interesting point–some fertility issues are present immediately and some (like diminished ovarian reserves) develop over time. Are some women, who may be infertile if they waited until this mid-twenties to start, leaping over infertility just because they’re cranking out babies by 18? Are they facing infertility at 30 after they’ve already had 10 children so it’s not as obvious to the outsider that there’s a problem?

But I digress.

The woman who sat on the panel discussion was the first-born child of woman A. You see her in the film. She’s the one sitting around the dining room table, holding her baby while she tells a story about a woman she met in the zoo who chose to live child-free. Her sisters are discussing this woman with their mother (woman A), and they essentially decide that this woman must be mentally ill if she has chosen not to have children.

Um…

As this woman sat on the panel discussion, she paid lip service to living child-free or limiting family size, saying that it was every woman’s choice. People are entitled to change their minds, but it felt like she realized the audience didn’t share her wildly fertile uterus and she was changing her tune in order to appease the crowd.

But again, I digress.

I raised my hand and asked a question: “how are infertile women viewed in ultra-orthodox society? Are they more supported because everyone is sympathetic to their yearning to have a child or are they living on the fringes of society as an outcast?”

Without actually addressing my question, the child of woman A spoke about the organization A T.I.M.E., which is a Jewish infertility support group. She talked about the financing of fertility treatments and how there is so much support for the infertile orthodox person.

Up until this point, every time an audience member asked a question, it was answered by one person on the panel. But this time, one of the researchers grabbed the microphone and added her own point of view in an incredulous tone.

She told the story of a woman she knew in the ultra-orthodox community who was so consumed by the pressure to conceive and so distraught over her inability to conceive that she made herself physically ill. She became bulimic in an attempt to gain some control over her life. It was a sad story.

The other researcher, who turned out to be a fellow stirrup queen, also grabbed the microphone and added her two cents. Jewish women have the highest rate of infertility out of any other ethnic group. And the rate of infertility increases based on education level (damn, why did I go for that MFA? Thank G-d that I dropped out of the PhD program or my eggs would have shriveled up all together). She pointed out that certain RESOLVE chapters have overwhelming numbers of Jewish members. The point being not only is infertility prevalent in the Jewish community, but if the support is so fantastic, why are the Jews flocking to an outside source–RESOLVE?

Touche.

And I have to agree with her. I think the Jewish community has many great points (and I’m obviously still part of the community regardless of my “but”), but one of the places it fails is in regards to infertility. Like the name of the film, the highest commandment in Judaism is to “be fruitful and multiply.” At the minimum, you are supposed to have a boy and a girl to replace yourselves. But what if you can’t fulfill this commandment? When that question was posed last night, one woman said, “so you don’t fulfill it. It’s not a big deal. Not everyone was put on this earth to be a mother.” But in the next breath, she pointed out how multiplying is the highest commandment. So which is it?

In Israel, army service is mandatory with a few exceptions. If someone has an illness that precludes them for serving, they would be released from the draft. But just because there was a reason to why they weren’t fulfilling this governmental commandment wouldn’t mean that it wasn’t a big deal. Not serving is a big deal emotionally. And it’s a big deal socially. At the end of the day, it’s a fucking big deal.

And I’m trying to figure out how to explain this to an outsider. It’s not just a disappointment. It’s not on the same level as “I wanted to…but.” Becoming a mother can be a need and it’s a need that blossoms when a person is a child and playing house and becomes louder and louder until the time comes to fulfill it. And then you discover the need can’t be fulfilled. And while the outsider, like the woman on the panel, may say, “okay, so you can’t fill it–there must be another reason you’re on earth. You just have to move on and stop obsessing” it merely reveals the lack of understanding between the non-infertile and the infertile communities. What is the analogy?

Her response was just the outsider paying lip service–of course we support! Of course it isn’t a big deal if you can’t conceive! No one is judging you!

But you know full well that you are being judged. You’re being pitied. Which is almost worse than being judged. And the saddest part was that this woman on the panel probably considers herself to be supportive to those going through infertility. But it was obvious from her answers that she had no clue.

At the end of the researcher’s remarks on RESOLVE, my husband leaned into the microphone and said in front of the whole audience, “thank you, and as a card-carrying member of RESOLVE, I couldn’t agree more.” Announcing your infertility in front of your entire community–priceless. And that, my friends, is strength and conviction–the opposite of lip service.

P.S. The film was excellent. If you get a chance, you should see it.
————————————————————————————————
Updated at 7:49 p.m.

Just to clarify, I believe the statistic of infertility rates rising with education levels applies only to the Jewish community. I could be wrong, but that’s how I understood the comment. Which obviously makes my graduate degree look a little less appealing right now. I’m not sure if the reason behind this is that people are delaying family building (though I certainly knew people in grad school who were married and trying to conceive) or if it’s just an interesting little coincidence. Either way…

Googling “Judaism and fertility” brought this little nugget: “Because proportionally more Jewish than U.S. women have attained higher education, the connection between education and fertility disproportionately affects the Jewish population.”

So I guess it’s not exactly tied to religion, but instead tied to education. But it’s perhaps more apparent in this population because many Jewish women continue their education past college. Strangely, googling educa
tion and infertilty did not bring up similar studies that are focused solely on education levels and not education levels within a specific group. Anyone out there in the fertility world who knows of such a study?

And even if I had known about this study before I ever applied to gradute programs, would it have impacted my choice?

Taking a break from making applesauce for Chanukkah (how does applesauce fit into the meal, the non-Jewish reader asks? On top of the latkes!) to clean up the side bar a bit and make it more readable. All the write-up titles flowed into one another so I divided them with numbers.

I added two links that aren’t on the blog. One is a hormone level chart (from Fertilityplus) under “diagnosis” and the other is a beta chart (from betabase) under miscellaneous. Both seem like helpful links to have handy.

There are a bunch of new write-ups including unexplained infertility (thank you, Jackie) and questions for a high-risk OB (thank you, Tina). Tina wanted more eyes on her list to make sure she wasn’t forgetting anything important. If you’ve been to a high-risk OB (MFM specialist), head over to her post and see if you have anything to add.

Keep those write-ups coming…

My side bar keeps growing and growing in length. It is now longer than the posts. I find that very amusing. I think it was adding so many write-ups to Operation Heads Up (by the way, if you have any topics to add to Operation Heads Up, let me know. I would love to have a bunch of international adoption ones geared towards specific countries since the process varies from place to place–anyone want to jump in and start one?).

I also added a new poll, but it’s so far down the side bar that I’m not sure how many people have seen it.

Lastly, I added a link under the big book icon for the Barren Bitches Book Tour–essentially a book club that you can do from the comfort of your own living room in the hour you choose. Go to the post to read more and send me an email or leave a comment if you want to participate. The more the merrier.

And now, the blogs…

Serenity had a great post this week about conversations at parties. Obviously, if you’re doing treatments or in the middle of the adoption process, it’s on your mind. Yet no one talks about it. You see people at parties and they ask how you’re doing and what do you say? You feel like you’re lying if you don’t mention that last IVF attempt. But you also know that most people don’t want to see pictures of your embryos while they’re drinking that appletini at the company Christmas party. Serenity says it much better that I do, so head over and read the whole post…

Teamwinks at Are We There Yet asked an interesting question on Wednesday: why does foster-to-adopt lag behind domestic and international adoptions in terms of popularity? She has already posted a list of books about foster parenting. But it is a good question–why does it not only lag behind as “third choice” in the adoption world statistically, but it also lags behind in terms of printed material and web sites? Why isn’t there more information out there to be gathered by prospective foster parents?

I know I posted about this earlier in the week, but it’s such a good idea that it’s worth repeating. Bea at Infertile Fantasies has started an idea called 50 Good Deeds. Every week, she posts a report card chronicling the things she’s doing to give back to the world. Rather than repeat the same crappy year, she’s decided to take control of her life by giving to others. And this idea rocks. It rocks for everyone she helps along the way, it rocks for Bea who is turning around her life, and it rocks for every person who is motivated by her great idea to go out and get involved.

Vee at The Sweet Life has been having a hard week–she went to her friend’s mother’s funeral this week and her own mother is ill. She also had a very moving comment in the center of one of her posts this week. She writes about holding a friend’s new baby: “Everyone was oohing and aahhing and they kept throwing in the ‘oh he looks exactly like his father.’ Which he did but one thing I have learnt was never say who the baby looks like because you just never know. I know for a fact that they didn’t use a donor it was an accident, yeah one of those. But I know if I can avoid any pain that any future donor mum or dad have to go through then I will. Even if it is as simple as not mentioning who the baby looks like, not unless the mother or father mention it anyway.” I’ve been thinking about this for a while and the whole biology game and the importance people seem to put on a child looking like their parents. I know I’m guilty of doing this too and it’s something I’ve tried to be conscious about not doing once I realized how those comments would sting if we go ahead with adoption (see, even stirrup queens need to be taught). When I first met my husband’s grandfather, I commented that they both had the same hands. And when my son was born, the tradition continued. He was named after Josh’s grandfather and he has the hands of his father and great-grandfather. It’s something I think about a lot now as we look at adoption. And weighing whether seeing those hands again matters (as if it’s entirely up to me!). Or why we can’t celebrate and comment on the beauty of having everyone biologically unique. Again, what is the purpose of the biology game except that it makes us feel connected to someone who has passed away. But what about the emotional pain it causes the living parents when people comment about how their child doesn’t look like them? Do the drawbacks outweigh the benefits of the game, especially once you consider that this is the reality of the donor and adoption world. And, like Vee points out, the simple way to remedy this situation is to not try to look for these similarities and point them out to the parents.

Baby Blues has fantastic advice–comparing parasailing to infertility–and how the same techniques that can get you though your fear of heights can also be used to navigate the non-infertile world as a stirrup queen (or sperm palace jester–boys sometimes need advice too). You need to go to her blog and read the whole thing–especially before you have to go to all of those holiday parties that Serenity mentioned in her post.