The Alpha Girl Movie Theater
Josh and I had a date night last night. We wanted to see Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, but it was playing at the new “luxury” theater for the time we wanted to go.
I’m sure the movie theater is lovely. I’m sure it has big, comfortable seats and easy viewing from any point in the theater. I know it serves actual food beyond popcorn and candy, and it has a drink menu. It is not the sort of place where one places their gum on the bottom of the seat.
But I couldn’t bring myself to go.
It’s me, not you, Luxury Theater, really. I mean, you’re great. I just know you’re going to make another girl really happy one day.
I care about the personality of the theater, and I didn’t want to watch a movie feeling as if I was being smushed inside an alpha girl’s pushup bra. Fuck popular. I don’t want clean and perfect and leather chairs. I want my theater to have a threadbare carpet that reveals just how many people have walked down the aisle before me. I want adornments on the ceiling and crackily film reels and artificial butter smell hanging in the air.
I prefer old, historic theaters, and if I can’t have that, I want non-descript, completely average theaters.
I don’t want my movie theater to be a cheerleader or class president or the head of the football team. I want my movie theater to be that weird kid who always skips lunch to sit in the library. Or, at the very least, make my theater that nice girl who always lends you a pencil in math class.
If I can’t have that sort of movie theater then I don’t really want to watch the movie. Because being in an annoying space is just as bad as going out with an annoying person. A space talks to you, and I want the spaces I frequent to tell me good stories, not try to impress me with a pristine and perfect surface.
I’ve obviously given too much thought to this.
So we stayed in and rented a movie.
Listen, I don’t love this side of me, but I will choose to read or not read books based on the feeling I get from the cover. I will only eat in restaurants I get a good feeling from when I walk through the door. And I only watch movies in theaters that don’t try so hard to be something other than a movie theater.