My Body Talks a Lot and Says Little
My body talks all the time in little signs and twinges but says little of worth. I bend down and feel a strange cramping in my leg as my body speaks up and makes itself heard. So I ask it dozens of questions: “Is this what a blood clot feels like? Should I worry about this? Is it nothing? Did I sleep on my leg strangely last night?”
It gets my attention, and then it clams up and looks in the other direction.
When I was trying to conceive the twins, I spent a lot of time each month listening to my body. I dutifully noted all the fertility signs, even when my cycle was being controlled by the RE. I obsessed over every drop of blood, every ovarian twitch, every clench of the uterus.
What did any of it mean, all this chattering on inside my body, not allowing me a second to forget about what was going on? Josh would go to work and forget for hours at a time about my cycle. But my body never shut up. It was always talking to me while I was trying to do other things, reminding me that I was waiting for an answer and doling out hints that I could never interpret.
Was that cramp implantation or pre-period?
Sometimes I got an answer at the end of the cycle, but other times, my body simply went silent, never telling me what anything meant.
I don’t get the point of this: of talking so much and then coyly holding back what anything means. Aren’t we supposed to be on the same team?
How can we work together when you never tell me what you mean?
Image: Calsidyrose via Flickr